Another Big Happy Family
Martha emailed me in response to this post: "I always read with interest on the articles like the Duggars and others as I come from a large family. I am the oldest of 11 children, 7 girls and 4 boys. I am 26 and my youngest brother is 6.
I am really thankful I was part of a large family, I think we had so many more opportunities that we would not have learned if we were from a smaller family. My closest friends are my sisters and my mom! I do not think a day goes by that I don't talk to more than one of them. Our relationships have carried on to adulthood, more than other friends we had in our childhood.
We learned how to earn our way in life rather than be handed everything. We worked for music lessons, bikes, objects etc. I think one of the biggest differences I have seen between families with less than 4 children and ones with 4 or more is the attitude differences. Yes, there are the selfish attitudes, but for the most part there is a different attitude towards life. We enjoy being around people, we see what we want and we go for it, and we love being with our family.
Family gatherings are huge though! Right now with 2 son-in-laws, 7 grandchildren, 11 children, and 2 adults, we have a group of 22 just with immediate family, let alone if we invite anyone else over! It makes so we do not need outside entertainment!
My boys love playing with their uncles! Paul is 7 and has a uncle that is 8 and one that is 6! Not many people have an uncle younger than them! -Martha"
I am really thankful I was part of a large family, I think we had so many more opportunities that we would not have learned if we were from a smaller family. My closest friends are my sisters and my mom! I do not think a day goes by that I don't talk to more than one of them. Our relationships have carried on to adulthood, more than other friends we had in our childhood.
We learned how to earn our way in life rather than be handed everything. We worked for music lessons, bikes, objects etc. I think one of the biggest differences I have seen between families with less than 4 children and ones with 4 or more is the attitude differences. Yes, there are the selfish attitudes, but for the most part there is a different attitude towards life. We enjoy being around people, we see what we want and we go for it, and we love being with our family.
Family gatherings are huge though! Right now with 2 son-in-laws, 7 grandchildren, 11 children, and 2 adults, we have a group of 22 just with immediate family, let alone if we invite anyone else over! It makes so we do not need outside entertainment!
My boys love playing with their uncles! Paul is 7 and has a uncle that is 8 and one that is 6! Not many people have an uncle younger than them! -Martha"
posted by Crystal Paine at 6:17 PM
7 Comments:
You are so right. I am one of 15, the Lord in His wisdom saw to bless us with only 3 children. I have a hard time understanding them. I learned young to compromise and work together as a team. My children are lovely people, but, sometimes I just don't understand their persepective on things. My parents have 23 grandchildren and 16 great grandchildren.
Crystal, We've got a similar situation with the exception of a large bunch of kids. Our 5 children range from 28 down to 5 along with 4 grandchildren. Our littlest is younger than 1 of her nephews and her niece. Heh. It does get a bit crowded in our little home on holidays!
I think it's great that these children of large families are so happy about their childhood experiences. However, there is another side of it. Of the famous Gilbreth dozen (the people about whom the book "Cheaper by the Dozen" was written), the most any of them had was four children -- and that was only one. Several had only one child. My best friend was the ninth of ten, and her husband was the seventh of seven. They have only one child, and only want to have one, because they both believe they missed valuable experiences in their childhood, like having adequate one-on-one time with their parents, and the freedom to spend some time alone, just dreaming, thinking, and reading. In the noise and chaos of a large family, they believe they missed the chance to learn appropriate boundaries and respect for someone else's personal "space," simply because there are no boundaries when you share a room with three siblings and no such thing as anyone's personal "space."
As one of two, I am very grateful that I got to spend a lot of one-on-one time with my parents, especially my father. I benefited in ways I'm only now understanding fully from having both quality AND quantity time wherein I had his undivided attention and all of his energy at molding my character and giving me the security of being loved as an individual. If there were 15 other children, there is no way I could have experienced even a small fraction of those benefits.
I respect the right of each couple to seek God for guidance and to use the brain God gave them in thinking about what makes a quality childhood and the best possible beginning in life.
I would be curious to hear from some of the mothers of large families, mothers who are still raising small children. How do they feel about it, are they resentful of not having so much time to do their own thing? Of having to sacrifice their time to ensure their children are taken care of, are fed, are clean, have clean clothes? I have 3 small children and with each child, my time gets cut back more and more, yet it isn't a matter to be moaned at. I am thankful and feel blessed by the gift God has given us in our children. With each child, as our family grows, we as parents grow in order to meet their needs. This may mean that I have to get out of bed a half hour earlier in order to make it to church on time, but that little sacrifice is worth it for me to be able to go, to be ready without having been rushed and to see my family regarded with appreciation because they are all neat and orderly. I find that "me time" can come in many different ways. The kids take a nap every day, I save that time to do things I like to do (often things I can't do with little children underfoot), such as sewing, crochet or watching a movie (or watching a movie while I crochet!) We have set an early bedtime for the kids, this provides my husband and myself with time to do things together, alone. And my husband often keeps the kids distracted so I can do or finish doing something in peace and I try and do the same for him. I find that in our relationship, the more I give to my husband, serving him, caring for him etc, the more beautiful our marriage becomes. It is a joy to serve others!
And so, when we as children think of having grown up in a large family, bemoaning the sacrifices we had to make in order to have so many siblings, take a little time to think about your parents, especially your mother, and be thankful that you only had to give up so little. And if you think she looks haggard and worn down, remind yourself that you are the reason and cause of that! And then remind yourself, that her beauty was one thing that she willingly sacrificed so she could have you! And if you're feeling deprived of good quality one-on-one time that you missed as a child, go make time for them now. As much as you think you missed it back then, you probably wouldn't have wanted it anyway. And now, as two adults, you have so much in common and it is never too late to learn from them.
I would love to see encouragement for those of us who wish we had large families but are struggling with infertility.
My parents did make time for one on one time, but it was really more work. When we were younger they did "dates" with us, we took turns going to Kalispell or other shopping trips and got to just talk to mom.
When were younger we all shared a room, but we for sure had "our own space" even there. We all had our own bed and then when we moved we shared rooms for a time, but then most of us had our own space/or room. Now they all do, the ones at home still. I think the Duggars are unusual to have so many children in such a short amount of time. With my mom there is a span of 20 years between all of us. I married young as did my younger sister, so both of us were away from home when the youngest 2 were born. Now she has 2 married and 3 others that live away from home. She has "only" 6 children at home.
I don't know if any of us will have very large families! God gives to each family different gifts. Sometimes there are times where He blesses a family with many and sometimes they only have 1 or no children, or sometimes it is 4. I don't think they are not blessed by God, but God has given them blessings in other ways. My sister would have loved to have more children and may someday, but since her marriage ended, she must wait for God's timing. My husband has been very ill and we may not be able to have more than 4.
I think that too that a family of one can be just as deprived of attention as a child in a family of 10 or more so. The mother may take a job and not be home when the child comes home, but the mother of a family of 10, could probably not afford the child care if she wanted to work, so works with the children!
My Little Boy's Mommy: If you do a search for "infertility" you should come up with some past posts on this. My husband and I dealt with infertility issues early on in our marriage so my hearts aches for those who long for those who desire children and are unable to bear them.
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