For Women Only
I've been wanting to post on Shaunti Feldhahn's book For Women Only for a long time. I have not finished it yet (the story of my life!), but I'm over half-way through and I thought it was really excellent. Feldhahn conducted a professional survey and personal surveys and the results of her findings are in this book.This book may surprise you. It proves that the Biblical understanding of submission is really what men want -- even nonChristian men. The feminist agenda has tried to make this reality a myth, but it is the truth. Men need to be protectors, they need to be providers. They don't want to be sissies. They don't want to be equals with their wife. This is not wrong. This how God made men! And, it's wonderful! We women often fail to understand this, though. We think we deserve our rights and our equality.
Here are seven revelations she includes in the book (she expounds on each of these revelations in a chapter):
| Surface Understanding | What That Means in Practice |
| "Men need respect" | Men would rather feel unloved than inadequate and disrespected |
| "Men are insecure" | Despite their "in control" exterior, men often feel like imposters and are insecure that their inadequacies will be discovered |
| "Men are providers" | Even if you personally made enough income to support the family's lifestyle, it would make no difference to the mental burden he feels to provide |
| "Men want more sex" | Your sexual desire for your husband profoundly affects his sense of well-being and confidence in all areas of his life |
| "Men are visual" | Even happily married men struggle with being pulled toward live and recollected images of other women |
| "Men are unromantic clods" | Actually, most men enjoy romance (sometimes in different ways) and want to be romantic–but hesitate because they doubt they can succeed |
| "Men care about appearance" | You don't need to be a size 3, but your man does need to see you making the effort to take care of yourself – and he will take on significant cost or inconvenience in order to support you |
For more information:
The Mystery of the Male Mind
Read a sample chapter here.
posted by Crystal Paine at 4:05 PM
19 Comments:
With all due respect, as a Non-Christian man, I have to say that theory is false. I want an equal in my relationship, and know many other men who feel the same way. It's important to me that my wife feel fulfilled and be able to operate on her own. I want someone I can respect and who respects themself, whatever choices she makes in her life.
I don't want to debate religion here, as it is your blog and I respect that, but I just wanted to pipe up...we're not all looking for meek women.
The book sounds interesting! Would you say you have learned a lot from it?
Heya Crimnos...half of this is a communication issue.
Proper submission does not equate to meek and definitely doesn't preclude the things you listed.
A general outranks a colonel.
A CEO outranks a middle manager.
A sheriff outranks a deputy.
It does not make them lesser persons. It does not make them inequal in terms of their worth as people.
I have 7 daughters. My wife could not run our household unless she was able to operate on her own.
Submission does not equal dependence.
As for fulfillment and and respect ...humans (male or female) find the most fulfillment and respect (self or otherwise) when they are pursuing the roles and operating in the spheres that God has laid out for them.
Besides that, egalitarianism is a nonsensical myth. Name one other organization on the face of the earth that anyone would suggest can survive without long without a single person at the top to make a final decision.
I have read it. It is wonderful. I started "testing" the theories in it and found it all to be accurate.
Crimnos, My husband is my Leader, but I am definitly a dominant female. I understand biblical submission and take great joy in that. Things are so much smoother in the relationship when we follow the guidelines that the Lord has given us.
I would encourage you to pray about it.
"Men need to be protectors, they need to be providers. They don't want to be sissies. They don't want to be equals with their wife. This is not wrong. This how God made men! And, it's wonderful!"
Where in the Bible does it say that women are inferior to men? Nowhere. I'm a Christian, I believe in the Bible, and in submission... but it NEVER says that women are 'below' men or that women aren't "equal" to men! That is simply ridiculous and not Biblical. God created us differently and with different roles, but we ARE equal.
I was watching the ballroom dance competition on ABC (forgot the name of it), and heard the commentators say that a particular couple's dance was beautiful, and that "he lead and she followed". I immediately thought that that was how God intended marriage to be.:)
Just to clarify: The Bible does say that women are below men as it pertains to the authority structure ("the husband is the head of the wife"), but you are right, Leah, that women are not below men in worth and ability. God has set up this authority structure and when followed, it is a beautiful, wonderful thing. The problem with many marriages today is that the husband and wife have a warped view of what God's plan for marriage is. Many marriages today have been fed the lie that the husband and wife are equal authorities. This is not what the Bible says and this is setting yourself up for misery.
Ah, okay, I do understand on the submission thing not being dependence, but I have to respectfully disagree about having one person as the head, making decisions.
For instance, in my own marriage, we have an equal division of duties. My wife has a larger amount of say (though I do have my input) when it comes to financial matters and home improvements, and I have more say in handling day-to-day issues (such as scheduling) and housework. I couldn't begin to rank any one of those over the other, as each is essential to our lives, so it's hard to think of our marriage as having ranks.
"egalitarianism is a nonsensical myth"
Amen. Too bad it's such a dangerous one! It has hurt women more than helped them.
(by the way, I'm female)
If we saw a human being walking around with 2 heads, we would all probably stop and stand there with our mouths hanging open. Just as God did not intend for the physical body to have 2 heads, nor did he intend for the family unit to have 2 heads. Can you imagine the trouble we would have if we had 2 heads? I seriously doubt that we would accomplish much of anything.
Eph. 5:22-24 - "Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body. Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything."
1 Cor. 11:3 - "But I want you to know that the head of every man is Christ, the head of woman is man, and the head of Christ is God."
Crimnos,
Are you a "stay at home husband"?
Not at all. Both of us are gainfully employed...we are able to manage the household and work because we share the workload at home.
The nice thing about blogs is the chance to give personal examples. My husband is a lawyer for a non-profit public interest agency. He represents people who need help but cannot afford to pay their legal bills. I work in the private sector. As a result of our differing career paths, I make substantially more money than my husband.
I never thought of it in these terms but I suppose my husband IS a protector. He protects poor people who have no one else to stand up for their interests. My greater income does not detract from that. My independence and equal authority do not make him less of a protector. My feminism does not in any way threaten him or make him feel less masculine.
I also make more money than Chris. I've attained a higher level of education, and my career goals are different then his. He is seeking to start his own business, possibly beginning this at home. He also likes to be around the house, whereas I like working and being around people. Should we have children, it will be much easier for him to stay home or work a more flexible schedule.
I always feel safe with Chris, because he is so capable and talented at solving problems in areas that I would be totally lost. He loves working through my problems or difficulties with me, and it's quite obvious that this makes him feel better. He provides great friendship, companionship, and caretaking skills.
if anyone checks out my blog, I found a great reference list for homemaking books 1860-present.
I kind of understand where Crimnos is coming from. Though, I think it is a little backward (my opinion) that he does housework and the wife does the finacial stuff.
I don't ask my husband's opinion on everything. I know some Christians think women should but I don't. He has left me in charge of child rearing, groceries, the menu, decorating. I have the final word on quite a few things because they fall in the area of things delegated to me. His jobs are the breadwinning, finaces, investments ( he ivests in stocks which I would have no clue about),home repairs, and child rearing comes on the weekend for him when he is home.
I also am in charge of the remote control.:)
I am no doormat or mouse but he is my head and I respect him and he respects me.
I do disagree with some of the categories in the book. I do not think all of them apply to all men. But I won't go into that here.
-Zan
I posted to early. I just wanted to say that my husband was not seeking a meek woman either. He had dated women who would fit this mold. He actually had a bad opinion of homeschoolers because all the women he knew who were homeschooled couldn't really carry a conversation that held his interest. When he met me, it was very different. He liked the fact that I had been to college, was making a living and owned a car. He thought it was good world experience.
My husband is very irritated by loud mouthed bossy women. He wasn't looking for that at all. He had been married to one before and she took him for a ride. A lot of his brothers married women like that and they always look so depressed and worn down.
If you have a biblical marriage you will have that balance(I hate using that word) that will make it so beautiful. The family is like a small army. You can't have two generals in charge.
-Zan
I think in Crimnos case, they took on the things that they were most strong at, and adapted to roles that best suited their personalities. I'm better at money and bills than Chris, and I am better suited to organizing that all.
I can understand your sentiment about "loud mouth women," because my neighbor is that way, and she drives me up the wall. There is a grace to being an intelligent, well educated woman, and not all women have found it. My mom and my brothers have always been real bubbly, humorous and loud, while my dad and I are both shy. I always said that if you need to be that loud, get a loudspeaker and go all the way.
Zan, you bring up an interesting point and that is that every man needs a different kind of help meet. We are to be our husband's helper. Some men want their wives to consult them on little details, other men don't. We are to study our own husbands and seek to reverence them in the way that would be best for them. The husband, however, is always to be the authority. The wife is not an equal authority.
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