Marriage: Blessing or Bondage
In light of some of the recent comments, I wanted to share this article that I wrote last year. It is a controversial subject, to say the least, but I believe it is important that parents and young people realize how feminism and humanism are destroying marriage from its very core -- even Christian marriages.
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In this post modern pop culture of selfishness, greed, and “if-it-feels-good, do-it” mentality, it is no wonder marriage is becoming less fashionable, and people are marrying at a much later age. What saddens my heart most is to see this mentality unknowingly creeping into conservative Christian circles.
I cannot tell you how many times over the past few years in speaking with some of the best and brightest homeschool graduates, I have been told, “God has called me to marriage, but not for quite a few more years because I have so many things I want to do while I am single that I won’t be able to do when I am married.” To hear such statements breaks my heart. Whoever said marriage is bondage? And when did singleness become equated with freedom?
Marriage is extolled in Scripture as God’s example of Christ and the church. Ephesians 5 paints a beautiful picture for us:
“For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing. Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish. So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church: For we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones. For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh. This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church. Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband” (Ephesians 5:23-31).
Recognizing that marriage is an illustration of Christ and the Church, it would seem logical that Christian young people would be excitedly anticipating marriage. And yet, time and time again, I hear godly Christian young people associating marriage with an “inability to serve God.”
God’s original design for marriage was for two people to come together to fulfill a mission they could not accomplish on their own. Marriage was God’s idea in the first place, for He knew, “It is not good for a man to be alone, I will make him a helpmeet suited for him.” God is the one who determined it is not good for a man to be alone!
16 short months ago, I stood at the altar and covenanted to love, honor, obey, and cherish the most wonderful man in the whole world! We had first met 11 years ago when our families began attending the same church. We were only nine and ten at the time, but even then the Lord had planted a seed of love in our hearts. It was not until ten years later that God’s timing was perfect for our relationship to begin to grow and blossom under the protection and guidance of our parents.
Since our births, our parents had laid down their lives to train and raise us in the ways of the Lord. They had instilled in us the desire to save our hearts for the one and only person the Lord had sovereignly chosen to be our spouse.
By God’s grace, we were able to begin our courtship free from past broken relationships. Experiencing our very first romance in this way was a most thrilling thing! We could hardly contain our joy! As time went along and engagement ensued, a number of well-meaning individuals stepped forward feeling that, out of duty, they must explain to us the real “truth.” “It might seem like bliss now, but just wait until you’re married.” I cannot even count how many times we were told, “Just wait, the first year is always the hardest.”
After hearing this reiterated so many times, I must admit I began to believe it must be true. After all, it was coming from those who had been married for years. They should know better, shouldn’t they?
I quickly found out they did not. Marriage has proven to be so much beyond what I could ever imagine. It has been an incredible, wonderful experience. Over and over again, I have asked myself, “Why are so many young people delaying marriage, thinking they will be better able to serve God in their single years?”
As I have realized over the last few months, the problem is not so much with the young people as it is with the parents. Godly, Christian parents today are not encouraging young people to understand that marriage is a wonderful, blessed thing. Instead, all too often, I fear, it is the opposite.
I recently attended a conference where I listened to a father and daughter speak on courtship. I have great respect for this family and was excited to hear what they had to share. About halfway through their presentation, the father began to explain how they had encouraged their children to wait until they were older to marry. His reasons? So his children could more effectively serve God single and be more mature and ready for marriage. I could hardly believe it. Here is this wise father admonishing his 25-year-old daughter to wait to get married so she can more effectively serve the Lord!
Let me be quick to assure you, I am not advocating throwing caution to the wind when it comes to marriage, nor am I saying every person needs to get married by the time they are 21. What I am saying is that it is time for parents to stop discouraging their children and other young people from their highest callings—that of being fathers and mothers to the next generation.
I am so grateful that my parents raised me with a vision for marriage. Through the example they set forth in their marriage, I could imagine nothing more that I would want to do or be. After almost 30 years of marriage, their love for each other is radiant. I know beyond any shadow of a doubt that my dad would never be the leader that he is in his family, in the church, and in his workplace, were it not for my mom standing behind him every day. She is always by his side, lifting him up in prayer, encouraging him through her words, and praising him to us. At the same time, my mom would never be the wonderful mother she is and has been to all seven of her children were it not for my dad’s constant loving support and leadership to her. He is always there to help bear her burdens, calm her fears, and show her gratitude.
Seeing my parents live a beautiful marriage every day of my life gave me such an incredible vision for what my own marriage could be. I still have a long way to go before I am a woman of the same caliber as my mother, but I certainly can tell you I have a blessed marriage. Every day, I thank God for the wonderful husband He has given me.
As the world falls apart around us, it is imperative that we build strong ranks of second-generation Christian homeschooling families who will raise up “armies” of godly children for the glory of God. I call upon parents everywhere to take part in this work. Let us show the world that marriage is a blessing, not bondage!
--------------------------
In this post modern pop culture of selfishness, greed, and “if-it-feels-good, do-it” mentality, it is no wonder marriage is becoming less fashionable, and people are marrying at a much later age. What saddens my heart most is to see this mentality unknowingly creeping into conservative Christian circles.
I cannot tell you how many times over the past few years in speaking with some of the best and brightest homeschool graduates, I have been told, “God has called me to marriage, but not for quite a few more years because I have so many things I want to do while I am single that I won’t be able to do when I am married.” To hear such statements breaks my heart. Whoever said marriage is bondage? And when did singleness become equated with freedom?
Marriage is extolled in Scripture as God’s example of Christ and the church. Ephesians 5 paints a beautiful picture for us:
“For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing. Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish. So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church: For we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones. For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh. This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church. Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband” (Ephesians 5:23-31).
Recognizing that marriage is an illustration of Christ and the Church, it would seem logical that Christian young people would be excitedly anticipating marriage. And yet, time and time again, I hear godly Christian young people associating marriage with an “inability to serve God.”
God’s original design for marriage was for two people to come together to fulfill a mission they could not accomplish on their own. Marriage was God’s idea in the first place, for He knew, “It is not good for a man to be alone, I will make him a helpmeet suited for him.” God is the one who determined it is not good for a man to be alone!
16 short months ago, I stood at the altar and covenanted to love, honor, obey, and cherish the most wonderful man in the whole world! We had first met 11 years ago when our families began attending the same church. We were only nine and ten at the time, but even then the Lord had planted a seed of love in our hearts. It was not until ten years later that God’s timing was perfect for our relationship to begin to grow and blossom under the protection and guidance of our parents.
Since our births, our parents had laid down their lives to train and raise us in the ways of the Lord. They had instilled in us the desire to save our hearts for the one and only person the Lord had sovereignly chosen to be our spouse.
By God’s grace, we were able to begin our courtship free from past broken relationships. Experiencing our very first romance in this way was a most thrilling thing! We could hardly contain our joy! As time went along and engagement ensued, a number of well-meaning individuals stepped forward feeling that, out of duty, they must explain to us the real “truth.” “It might seem like bliss now, but just wait until you’re married.” I cannot even count how many times we were told, “Just wait, the first year is always the hardest.”
After hearing this reiterated so many times, I must admit I began to believe it must be true. After all, it was coming from those who had been married for years. They should know better, shouldn’t they?
I quickly found out they did not. Marriage has proven to be so much beyond what I could ever imagine. It has been an incredible, wonderful experience. Over and over again, I have asked myself, “Why are so many young people delaying marriage, thinking they will be better able to serve God in their single years?”
As I have realized over the last few months, the problem is not so much with the young people as it is with the parents. Godly, Christian parents today are not encouraging young people to understand that marriage is a wonderful, blessed thing. Instead, all too often, I fear, it is the opposite.
I recently attended a conference where I listened to a father and daughter speak on courtship. I have great respect for this family and was excited to hear what they had to share. About halfway through their presentation, the father began to explain how they had encouraged their children to wait until they were older to marry. His reasons? So his children could more effectively serve God single and be more mature and ready for marriage. I could hardly believe it. Here is this wise father admonishing his 25-year-old daughter to wait to get married so she can more effectively serve the Lord!
Let me be quick to assure you, I am not advocating throwing caution to the wind when it comes to marriage, nor am I saying every person needs to get married by the time they are 21. What I am saying is that it is time for parents to stop discouraging their children and other young people from their highest callings—that of being fathers and mothers to the next generation.
I am so grateful that my parents raised me with a vision for marriage. Through the example they set forth in their marriage, I could imagine nothing more that I would want to do or be. After almost 30 years of marriage, their love for each other is radiant. I know beyond any shadow of a doubt that my dad would never be the leader that he is in his family, in the church, and in his workplace, were it not for my mom standing behind him every day. She is always by his side, lifting him up in prayer, encouraging him through her words, and praising him to us. At the same time, my mom would never be the wonderful mother she is and has been to all seven of her children were it not for my dad’s constant loving support and leadership to her. He is always there to help bear her burdens, calm her fears, and show her gratitude.
Seeing my parents live a beautiful marriage every day of my life gave me such an incredible vision for what my own marriage could be. I still have a long way to go before I am a woman of the same caliber as my mother, but I certainly can tell you I have a blessed marriage. Every day, I thank God for the wonderful husband He has given me.
As the world falls apart around us, it is imperative that we build strong ranks of second-generation Christian homeschooling families who will raise up “armies” of godly children for the glory of God. I call upon parents everywhere to take part in this work. Let us show the world that marriage is a blessing, not bondage!
posted by Crystal Paine at 1:32 PM
10 Comments:
excellent article! i very much agree that marriage should not be intentionally postponed 'til one is "older and therefore mature." my opinion on postponing marriage is that the longer you consciously decide to wait to get married, the more selfish your lifestyle becomes. i don't mean that to be harsh, but living a single lifestyle just because you "there are so many things you want to experience before you're tied down" only teaches you to live for yourself. it doesn't train you to be loving servant to your future spouse.
my thoughts on delaying having children are also similar: living a married lifestyle for however many years while purposely avoiding children only makes you develop that same sort of lifestyle in which you are serving yourself. then when you finally decide to "allow" the children to come, it is often a shock to your marriage!
many people thought we were too young to get married; i'm sure you also heard all the comments on how a person changes the most after they turn 24 (or something like that) and you should wait til after a person is done changing to get married so you can be sure you still love them. we look at these years of "changing" as an opportunity to grow and change together! i wish more people today realized the blessing of marriage.
My husband and I have been married for almost 12 years. We were married when I was 17 and he was 20. It hasn't always been easy. Whose marrige is always easy? But I found that being married at such a young age has a great advantage. We "grew up together" in our marrige so to speak. We weren't already stuck in our ways. We learned about each other as we learned about ourselves.
My husband and I often talk about how that years ago, people got married quite often in their teens. Sometimes at 14 or 15 years old. It seems those marriages didn't end in divorce like today. What was the divorce rate then??? Next to none I'm sure. Nowadays people are in their 30's and 40's before they are married. They are mostly set and their selfish ways and will not bend for anyone. I'm sure there are exceptions to this, but not as a rule. And my, look at the divorce rate.
People think I missed out on things because I married so young. What in the world did I miss out on!?!? NOTHING. We are extremely happy in our marriage and have learned each other so well. Our marriage just gets better each year. And we certainly give God the credit for it.
I would by no means discourage my children from marrying early. I want them to marry when God sends their spouse.
I don't think it is very wise always to marry young, but I guess it depends on what we think of as "young". I think it more important to make sure the young people are prepared well for life, than their age. When young people want to get married and they own no car, no place to live, no job and have not even graduated high school...it is not wise to think it is okay to marry. If the young man has been prepared from his young ages to care for a family, and have a strong work ethic..then I think this is different, but sad to say there are not many of those.
I married young....at 18 though I was well prepared to take care of a household. My husband was 5 years older. My mom married young and has had a wonderful marriage in spite of many people telling them they would not! They have been married almost 30 years now.
On the other hand it is alot harder on a family if the husband is still in school when they marry. I t can be done, but it is hard. My dad went to school for awhile with children and it makes life very hard. I am sure Crystal can share about that. Some families end up with the wife working to put her husband through school.
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I only knew my husband three months before we were engaged. I got the lectures that I was rushing into marriage and that I should take some time to enjoy singlenes. The few years I was a single adult I didn't enjoy it. I was very lonely and really wanted my own family. I got the speech that everything was going to be down-hill after marriage and that the first year is the hardest. So far the first year has been the hardest but we have only been married two years so I don't have many years to compare on. I was also very sick and in bed the first 6 mos. However, things are great being married. I am so glad we didn't post-pone our marriage a year like we originally planned. Instead, we got married 6 mos form the day we were engaged. I think if you are ready to marry and you love someone, you shouldn't be discouraged from it. (Granted both parties are Christian). I think it is silly to make two people who are ready for marriage to wait. If you don't have anyone in mind or are still single I think it is fine to take advantage of your situation and do activities that you would not be able to do if you were married. However, serving God in singleness is not on some higher plane than serving God in marriage. If two young Christians want to marry they should be encouraged. The only case I see of young Christians post-poning marriage is if the man is not ready to support his wife and potential children.
Being married isn't being tied down. I am as free today as I was when I was single. I am the queen of my own little kingdom. i love my king and my little prince. I run my housefold as I and my husband see fit. We have a blast. I don't miss the "freedom" of singleness. And if marriage is bondage, bring on the chains.
-Zan
I married young and definitely don't regret it at all. In fact I love it! I also agree with Zan that I believe there are a lot of people in their mid 20s who are extremely lonely and really wish they'd find their mate soon. I know that God doesn't bless everyone with a mate early in their lives and He uses the period of singlness to grow them in ways they wouldn't otherwise grow so to make a statement that all people should marry early would be false and in many ways feel like you're limiting God's ability to use all types of circumstances to grow us but personally I feel that someone who loved another person but decided to delay marriage to that person soley because they wanted 'freedom' has more than likely bought into the lie that you can't enjoy life once married. Marriage takes work, it does "tie" you down in many ways but it also has many blessings that noone can truly know about until married.
Sorry I've rambled on a lot and it probably is not all that well explained or enunciated. I don't do well with words even though I love to read. :)
Great thoughts, everyone! Thank you for sharing! I have received so many negative comments on this article, it was encouraging to hear these comments. :)
Crystal,
I read this post of yours a day or two ago and have been thinking about your comments here enough that I decided to write back.
I think it's interesting that while you had previously felt such respect for the conference speaker's family, when he spoke on courtship and shared his views that differed from yours, you could so easily decide that you, a very young and inexperienced woman who had only been married for 16 months, knew better than he.
Marriage can be a wonderful thing, but you are wrong about it and parenthood being our highest calling. Serving, honoring, and worshiping God is. Do you have any scripture to support your view that parenthood is our highest calling?
Your enthusiasm for marriage is lovely, and it is not surprising that you wrote this article as a newlywed. I think you have some good points, but you lack the life experience and humility that would help you consider that there is a reason why older, wiser, more experienced people feel that it is valuable for young people to experience service to the Lord as single adults. I doubt that any such people would actively discourage a budding relationship between two young people. I imagine that it would be more like they would not actively pursue marriagable relationships until a little later in the person's 20s.
DollyMama: Thanks for sharing. Plenty of people have told me that they think I am wrong to come out and say such things since I do not have life exeperince or the wisdom that that brings. Obviously, I have a lot left to learn. But, I also believe that we should "let no man despise thy youth." I want to be an example and an encouragement to other young people who are coming after me and not give them a low view on marriage that I see being openly expressed in other places.
Believe it or not, I have been to a number of conferences and talked with a number of individuals who felt it was wrong to marry before you were 28 or so -- that you were selfishly pursuing your own interests (marraige, family) rather than serving the Lord. I do not see that as Biblical at all. Marriage is normative and as Christians, we are called to "be fruitful and multiply." I do believe that there are a very few that God calls to singleness, but those cases are few and far between.
Like I said, I am not advocating throwing caution to the wind or saying that anyone who is not married by 25 is somehow less of a Godly person. What I am encouraging is that parents would hold up a beautiful picture of marriage to their children and other young people. Young people who are wisely trained will be ready for marriage at a younger age.
HI again,
Well, I hardly think that you could ever be construed as giving anything but a high view of marriage. Obviously you are very enthusiastic about the life you have and the work you do within it.
I think there are more than a few ways to interpret the verse you mentioned. One reason I feel myself leaning toward despising someone's youth is when they think they know a bunch about stuff they have never experienced.
Like i said, your enthusiasm is lovely, but I very often feel that in your writings you think you already have it all figured out, and that anybody who says otherwise is flat-out wrong. You don't seem humble or teachable in your writings, and I think that's a shame because you have a wide audience and a large responsibility that goes along with it. I hope that in real life you take time to step back and humbly consider why so many others that have gone before you disagree with your statements.
There is a very good reason why it is the *older women* are called to teach younger women. Younger women aren't asked to teach anyone. They are to be taught to mind their own beeswax. :)
At age 34 I still don't consider myself worthy of teaching anybody much of anything, except for practical tips that I've used. Why? Because time has shown me how many of my perfect ideas were too narrow, seriously flawed, lacking in grace, and legalistic. Time tends to mellow out those things, plus we have the benefit of seeing how all of our great ideas worked out (or didn't).
Since I did not get to hear the conference speaker's full view on marriage and courtship, I'm not sure what you heard. I would venture to say that an older parent recommending that their children enjoy their singleness and the unique availability in service to the Lord during that time, does not come without some valid life experience behind it.
I do not doubt that you have encountered people with odd ideas about a certain age that marriage should come before or after or whatever. There are extremists galore out there!
I do think it is possible to hold up a beautiful picture of marriage, as well as not recommend a young marriage.
I disagree with your statement that young people that are wisely trained are ready for marriage at a younger age. In my own experience as a mother of 6 children, I can tell you without a doubt that there are wide variations of readiness for things that are outside of my control. I would expect marriage readiness to be the same.
Just to give you a snapshot of where I'm coming from, I married at 20, had my first child at 21, and have now been married for 14 years. I have 6 children. There are definite benefits to having married young and being young parents. However, there are drawbacks that my husband and I have noticed as well. It is not all one way or the other. It's just different. I think the bottom line is that marriage and parenthood are high callings that come from the hand of God on His own timetable only. Not ours. I think that age should have little to do with it.
That being said, I think that there are many changes in maturity and perspective that extend through the 20s and beyond, and I would not actively encourage my children to marry at 20 as I did. If they find the right person, then obviously I would not prevent them from marrying.
For my sons, I will be encouraging them to work hard and save money so that they can enter marriage completely debt free and hopefully with a house that is all paid for.
Well, I could say a lot more, but I'm out of time. Must help my 7 year old clean out the mouse cage! You have a lot of good stuff to offer, Crystal, but without humility and teachability it won't go as far as it could.
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