Responses from Readers
I received some interesting responses by email to my post on "Can't Afford to Have Children?" and I wanted to share them:
I had to chuckle when I read your post 'Can't Afford to Have Children?'. If we had waited until we were "ready" and could "afford" to have children, we still wouldn't have any after almost 29 years of marriage. We have ten children and the Lord has provided over and above all we could ask or think. We have been so blessed that we have shared several wardrobes with of clothes with others through the years. -V.B.
Again, thank you. You seem to put into the best words things I've been longing to say, things I've felt and not had anyone nearby with whom to say, "Yes, that's it exactly."
I hear nothing in our church but "when" to have children, "being ready," what people want to do first, how much money is enough, and so on. My husband and I had never even heard the message of allowing the Lord to control your family size until after our 4th baby! We decided to wholeheartedly embrace His promise for us, and He sent us baby #5, but He also allowed me to have a brain tumor and MS diagnosed after our son's birth. We felt He showed us His joy at our acceptance of His word, and then showed us a new direction. My tumor was removed by surgery when Liam was just over a year old, and all is fine on that count. I'm weak with the MS, but our homeschool runs pretty well anyway! Our children have learned housekeeping skills, how to care for one another, how to self-pace their school days, and how to stay busy in our home with all sorts of crafts and things. Our family has drawn in wonderfully close, and this year we will be able to sell our 2-story home and move to our land in Oregon, to live moresimply and without a mortgage, bringing my husband home to work.
Even in the churches of today, most children aren't raised with a truly Biblical worldview, and they don't know what it looks like to be a family who allows God to lead and provide. This kind of dependence is not sensible by the world's standards, and yet it is rich with blessing and peace. We have never been let down by our God, no matter how many "backward" moves we have made, and there have been many!
I have a young friend, newly married, who talks of wanting to graduate from college, go and travel, get a job using her degree...she says that you can't know what God wants you to do if you just stay in your father's home all your life, or if you don't go to college and get out in the workforce. This is a pastor's daughter, and she does truly love the Lord. But even those young people who truly love the Lord are wandering in a fog. They segregate all the children in the church away from their parents, and by age in little classrooms. They say you can't expect the 4th graders to deal with those little kindergartners who can't read yet. They promote youth-empowerment and alienate teens from their parents; there are no family activities, just events for youth that promote thrill-seeking behaviors. Is it any wonder, coming out of this culture of the American church, that our well-churched young women still talk about when and how many children? Is it any wonder that our pastor's wife had never heard that the birth control pill is often an abortifacient? That the main topic among the young married women I know is birth control options?
And then, farther on....the women I know who are my age, with children...not one of them ever speaks of loving her husband as her best friend. Not one of them seeks to spend more time with him, and all treat him as an adversary, an impediment to their own true happiness.
It's so, so grievously sad. I'm so thankful to read what you have to say when you write, and wish I could know you a little better. I know when you write that there are other young women out there who hear what you are saying, and who nod YES when you speak. I pray that my girls will understand that God is to be trusted, is big enough, and has greater plans for them than anyone on earth can even imagine. -A.B.
posted by Crystal Paine at 5:08 PM
11 Comments:
It certainly bugs me to hear people say they can't afford children. Or "We'll WE'RE not having anymore!" - as if it's something you have when you want it and then when you don't - we'll that's that. It almost sounds like using children as an asset to your standing in life. *sigh*
My parent's certainly couldn't 'afford' children... so yes, we had to do without a lot growing up, and still do live below the 'poverty line' (if that's what you want to measure one's richness by) but I would've have traded growing up with 3 sisters and 2 brothers for anything money can buy. No amount of money can make up for that.
I actually tend to feel sorry for those who have only 1 or 2 children by choice. What fun they're missing out on!
That is so true of a lot our churches today. It seems as if more and more pastors are "walking on eggshells" trying not to offend anyone. In turn, very important messages regarding the blessings of family, children, and marriage are often left out of sermons. It's so sad!
Why are big families seen as more superior to small families....the size doesnt matter, but the state of the relationships in that family.
simeon
I hear ya Olivia! I know of so many people, who call themselves Christians and are pregnant and all I have heard is "this is it, after this baby is born". I find myself biting my tounge when I want to respond "shouldn't that choice be left up to God?". I stay silent instead. Maybe I should say something, I don't know. What do you all think?
It is sad to see Pastors not really teaching their congregation the truth when it comes to children, but then again. each Bible college has different views on how to teach that to their ministers. Church history tells us that birth control was wrong (and I am not having a Catholic point of view as so many people have told me, including my own Pastor, but true history. From Martin Luther, Wesley and some of the others (I can't think right now, my brain is on overload..LOL), they were against it. What has become of this society?
I think the important thing is not to judge others. We are often not party to all the private discussions and reasonings that people may have for limiting family size, nor are we party to Gods will for their lives.
Cyndi
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I don't think larger family's are 'superior' nor do I think we should try to play the part of God in people's lives. Of course we don't know all the circumstances and it is okay by me if people choose for whatever reason limit the number of children - I just don't like to hear them 'brag' about it. For one reason, because the very people who say those things sometimes wind up wanting another child badly.
I don't like it when people say it just because it makes them sound like they are in control of it all and they'll choose when, where, and how soon they'll have a baby.
I'm not all too sure about choosing your family size, for me it has a lot of different aspects and is very confusing, but I figure that I'll decide that with my husband one day...
I do know that I never want to adopt the attitude that I'll have as many children as seems fitting to my standing in life and then after that I'm DONE - It just grates on me to hear people talk about it like it was just a normal everyday thing. There are women who CAN'T have children and to take it so for granted is such a blindness to what one has been blessed with I believe.
Another thing is; I don't want to know if you don't want more children and I also don't want to know if you're trying to have another one. It's not my buisness and it seems highly indelicate to let the whole world know.
"My parent's certainly couldn't 'afford' children... so yes, we had to do without a lot growing up, and still do live below the 'poverty line' (if that's what you want to measure one's richness by) but I would've have traded growing up with 3 sisters and 2 brothers for anything money can buy. No amount of money can make up for that."
That is a very touching story! It reminds of my best friend. She grew up in poverty. She is an only child but has a huge extended family with cousins that she is close to like bothers and sisters. I would say her life has been anything but empty because her parents didn't have 'enough money' by many folks standards.
She got married in August and is now 15 weeks and 3 days pregnant. Her husband is a garbage collector for the city, which means great benefits but low pay. Yet somehow with careful planning they have bought a house, with him only making $9.50/hr! So it can be done, but it will take careful planning and help from others. Like for example her mother has already started buying diapers and I just got a new cell phone so I'm giving them my old one. Also, with all those cousins she is close too she is getting lots of hand-me-down clothes for her and the baby!
It would never occur to me to think one family size is superior to another. It strikes me as something that should be an individualized choice made by the couple in line with their temperaments and priorities. Some people are meant to be parents of large families, other people wouldn't be able to handle it, or have other interests. I'm glad that I was an only child because it's what I am used to, but I also admire large families.
I find the idea that one shouldn't control one's own fertility somewhat puzzling. After all, there are a LOT of things that we control. Most of us see doctors and use man-made technology and medicine to cure our diseases, rather than simply letting God take full control of when we die. Most of us fly in airplanes even though God didn't design us to fly. Why is it that when it comes to pregnancy, a function that primarily affects (and burdens) women do we suddenly say that it should be out of our control?
"After all, there are a LOT of things that we control."
Good point. Birth control is a personal choice, Christians are free to use it or not. This is because God gave us stewardship over our bodies. Stewardship over our bodies is why we can go to the doctor to treat illnesses. I believe the only debate about birth control within the Christian community should be hormonal birth control or not.
I really don't want to turn this into a birth control debate. We've talked about that at length in other posts and comments. Do a search in the archives for that.
Killing or preventing children is much different than flying in an airplane. God's Word is very clear that children are a blessing. Preventing this blessing should not be viewed as a personal choice -- this is a grave matter which couples need to not take lightly but search the Scriptures diligently concerning.
For more thoughts on this, search the archives -- we've dealt with this extensively in the past.
May God help us all to realize that children are truly the heritage of the Lord and His blessed reward!
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