What did your parents do differently?
Hello Crystal,I enjoy reading your blog. Something that has really stood out to me is that I think you highly respect and love your parents. As some people would say, your parents "had your heart" when you were teenager (at least that is my impression). I was home schooled as well, as were many of the children in my baptist church, yet so many of us acted and looked like the world, rebelled against our parents, etc. What do you think your parents did that was so different? As a parent myself, I keep asking myself how can the family with my husband be different.. be Christ honoring especially during the teenage years? I believe that starts now but I'm not quite sure of the specifics.I'm asking because I've been pondering this myself as I've been thinking about my teenage years and how I would like my young children to always walk with God! Quite honestly, I think I only know one family in real life that has respectful teenagers that seem like they honesty care about their parents, but more importantly, those kids seem to love and fear God. -Ahlam
Ahlam, Thanks for emailing such a great question. I wish I had the "perfect" answer to tell you what to do to produce Godly children. But alas, I don't. I can, however, tell you what my parents did that had a profound impact on my life.
1) They loved me. Yes, it sounds so simple and it really is, only they loved me so much that they were willing to give up their own lives, their own agendas, their own "me-time" and fun to take the time to invest in our lives. Everyday, they live out lives of sacrifice. I think about their sacrifices for me almost daily when I might feel tired or weary, or wish that I could take a little 2-hour vacation from being a parent. I know that raising seven very lively, stubborn children couldn't have been the easiest task on earth. But, they never complained. And they still don't complain. They continue to give and give and give. I wish I was so selfless.
2) They prayed for me. From the time I was in my mother's womb, my parents have faithfully and earnestly prayed for me, and they continue to do so to this day. They prayed for my salvation, for my future marriage, for struggles I was going through, for little seemingly insignificant things. Every evening, no matter how long of a day or how tired they may be, my parents always pray together before going to bed. How comforting it was to walk past their room and see them kneeling by their bedside beseeching the Lord for their children. One special practice they have had for years is to assign a child to one day of the week (I guess that's one reason God gave them seven children!) and then they would especially center their evening prayers on that child's behalf.
3) They protected me. They had the courage to stand alone and do the unpopular thing. Many times I didn't understand why they were saying no to this or that. I confess I wasn't always excited to be the only one who didn't get to wear something, watch something, listen to something, or go somewhere. I often felt that their standards were a little ridiculous when I was younger. It seemed like they were just trying to be strict. Looking back, I appreciate their willingness to stand strong in the convictions God had given them and protect me from harm in the process. I am so grateful for this today, even if I didn't always understand it at the time.
4) They gave me a purpose to live for that was bigger than myself. We were raised, from a young age, to delight in serving our family and others. They didn't allow a lot of room for selfishness. We were all required to pitch in and help with chores, with cleaning, with meal-preparation, with caring for and teaching our younger siblings. It was non-optional. They taught us by example. They didn't require anything of us that they weren't willing to do themselves. They also provided many, many opportunities for us to reach out and minister to others -- through ministering in nursing homes, writing cards to people who were ill or homebound, earning money to give to the poor, taking food to needy families, or having hundreds of people into our home.
5) They fostered in us a love for home and family. My parents always desired us to be family-oriented, rather than peer-oriented. With that goal in mind, they rarely let us go off and do things by ourselves with friends. If we got together with friends, it was usually as families, or at least partial families. To this day, we would much rather spend time as a family than with anyone else. When you get us altogether, we are about the liveliest bunch around -- laughing, four people talking at once, in-depth discussions on just about every subject under the sun. It's quite a sight to behold and how wonderful! We just love being together as a family!
I could go on and on listing many other things, but those were a few of the things which first came to my mind. I am so blessed and unworthy of the gifts God has given me in my parents. I just desire to live a life that would never, ever dishonor them.
1) They loved me. Yes, it sounds so simple and it really is, only they loved me so much that they were willing to give up their own lives, their own agendas, their own "me-time" and fun to take the time to invest in our lives. Everyday, they live out lives of sacrifice. I think about their sacrifices for me almost daily when I might feel tired or weary, or wish that I could take a little 2-hour vacation from being a parent. I know that raising seven very lively, stubborn children couldn't have been the easiest task on earth. But, they never complained. And they still don't complain. They continue to give and give and give. I wish I was so selfless.
2) They prayed for me. From the time I was in my mother's womb, my parents have faithfully and earnestly prayed for me, and they continue to do so to this day. They prayed for my salvation, for my future marriage, for struggles I was going through, for little seemingly insignificant things. Every evening, no matter how long of a day or how tired they may be, my parents always pray together before going to bed. How comforting it was to walk past their room and see them kneeling by their bedside beseeching the Lord for their children. One special practice they have had for years is to assign a child to one day of the week (I guess that's one reason God gave them seven children!) and then they would especially center their evening prayers on that child's behalf.
3) They protected me. They had the courage to stand alone and do the unpopular thing. Many times I didn't understand why they were saying no to this or that. I confess I wasn't always excited to be the only one who didn't get to wear something, watch something, listen to something, or go somewhere. I often felt that their standards were a little ridiculous when I was younger. It seemed like they were just trying to be strict. Looking back, I appreciate their willingness to stand strong in the convictions God had given them and protect me from harm in the process. I am so grateful for this today, even if I didn't always understand it at the time.
4) They gave me a purpose to live for that was bigger than myself. We were raised, from a young age, to delight in serving our family and others. They didn't allow a lot of room for selfishness. We were all required to pitch in and help with chores, with cleaning, with meal-preparation, with caring for and teaching our younger siblings. It was non-optional. They taught us by example. They didn't require anything of us that they weren't willing to do themselves. They also provided many, many opportunities for us to reach out and minister to others -- through ministering in nursing homes, writing cards to people who were ill or homebound, earning money to give to the poor, taking food to needy families, or having hundreds of people into our home.
5) They fostered in us a love for home and family. My parents always desired us to be family-oriented, rather than peer-oriented. With that goal in mind, they rarely let us go off and do things by ourselves with friends. If we got together with friends, it was usually as families, or at least partial families. To this day, we would much rather spend time as a family than with anyone else. When you get us altogether, we are about the liveliest bunch around -- laughing, four people talking at once, in-depth discussions on just about every subject under the sun. It's quite a sight to behold and how wonderful! We just love being together as a family!
I could go on and on listing many other things, but those were a few of the things which first came to my mind. I am so blessed and unworthy of the gifts God has given me in my parents. I just desire to live a life that would never, ever dishonor them.
posted by Crystal Paine at 11:21 PM
16 Comments:
I have wondered this same question. My parents did those same things that you said, Crystal, but maybe they got tired or they started to wonder if it didn't work as their children went in different directions. I sometimes think I am the only one that does not resent some of the ways we were raised with. Mom and dad saw that and I think though maybe they better try the other way, but it is not working either and now it is too late to go back.
Why is it that some families it can work and some it doesn't? Do you think they will come around eventually because they were taught right in the beginning? I know some say it is because the parents had their heart or not. My parents tried everything they could with my sister, she was very, very stubborn and ended up getting married very young.....I don't know how else they could have gotten her heart than the things they tried.
Thank you for sharing this Crystal. My heart cries daily for my children. I dont want them to wander away, yet when you look at other young people you wonder if its possible for them not to. Its weird because my brother and I were raised in the exact same way and he has wandered far. I hear about Christian families every day in my own circle who thought that all was right with thier world only to have an unwed mother as a daughter or a son facing jail time for drinking and driving. Its all very discouraging. Of course then I see families who have sons and daughters who are following the Lord and staying close to the family. So, I see it is possible. It just seems like a hit or miss situation sometimes.
Thanks again for your insight. I will definatly keep close to my heart what you have shared.
Crystal, Thank you so much for sharing this. Something I've wanted to blog about for a long time is how those of us who are first generation Christians are at somewhat of a disadvantage because we don't know the how to's. I've just not been able to put all my thoughts together on it properly. Anyway, one of my main thoughts is that we do have to seek out the answers in other ways, like asking those who are NOT first generation Christian parents and the Godly children they have raised. To ask them questions about what they did right and what they did wrong. To learn from others so that we may do better for our children. Disjointed thoughts here, but thank you so much for this post! It really helps direct me. :)
Jamie
http://livingthe127thpsalm.lifewithchrist.org
Crystal, I really smiled when I read about your parents assigning one child per night to especially pray for. It must be something about families with seven kids...I'm the Wednesday child at our house. =)
I think they pray for each one each night...they just switch which one they start with. Anyway, I thought that was a funny coincidence.
For anyone reading this who hasn't had the privilege to meet Crystal's parents...I wish you could. They are so precious! Their humble, loving spirits and lives have been a huge blessing to my family in the short encounters we've enjoyed with them.
Just happened to read this post, I have a sister who enjoys reading your blog Crystal. I am a nineteen year old, homeschool graduate, second oldest of eleven. The above question means a lot to me as my parents are my best friends (and my source for advice) and my family sticks together (I can relate to being the liveliest bunch around.) but I know that is not always the case. Keep in mind I am totally inexperienced in the realm of parenthood but in my case as a child I think my parents have won our hearts by somehow succeding in passing on their dream, not just a set of commandments to live by. They have taught us not to obey a list of rules but to let the Holy Spirit work in our lives to to bring us closer to God. For example, my mother has never laid down a set of rules concerning dress for us girls but rather as taught us our whole lives about true beauty really is and encourages us to develop our own unique sense of style with that in mind. In my inexperienced opinion I think a lot of children rebel because of rules that don't make sense to them and the only reason they are obeying them is to obey their parents.
Although I wasn’t raised Christian, I was a pretty responsible and respectful teenager. I think the key is to avoid being rigid. It’s certainly appropriate to set boundaries and impart value-judgments to your kids, but you have to explain why and you have to respond respectfully to any doubts or questions they may have. The surest way to cause a kid to rebel is to say, “Because I said so” on every occasion. Above all, you have to respect your kids’ individuality and humanity. You want your kids to adopt your values because they are personally convinced that these values are correct, not because they’ve had it forced on them. I think it’s a tough balance to strike though between establishing boundaries of acceptable behavior and allowing some flexibility into your approach.
Crystal,
I was a lot like you in my upbrininging. I think one really important thing is the importance of being family centered not peer centered. I had very few friends my age but had my sisters for playmates.
People I worked with were so impressed with my close relationship with my mom. She is my best friend and we do everything together. I think it is OK to let you kids play with friends or others their age but if the kids are putting more importance on friends than their own family there is a problem.
I was raised on, "Because I said so,". Kids need to respect their parents because they are their parents. I don't need to explain to my child why everytime they don't want to do something I want them to do. Ofcourse parents should not say one thing and do another and expect their kids to turn out OK but the home is not a democracy. This is a very old fashioned way to raise kids but it was how I was raised and my husband. My sisters and I have all turned out very well and 9 out of ten of my husband's siblings have as well. Mommy and Daddy know best. Reasoning is a waste of time and energy. I see parents reasoning with 4 and 5 yr olds and it doesn't seem to work. It just causes frustration and back talk. I was never reasoned with until I was a teenager and I never needed to be reasoned with at that point because I knew that my parents knew what was best for me.
I agree because I said so is enou gh. Parents need to preparekids for adulthood not only be their friends.
I don't mean to imply that it's never appropriate to say "Because I said so." Obviously, it's silly to take time to explain every little thing to a 5-year old who just wants her own way. Nor am I trying to say that you shouldn't impose rules on your kids unless they agree with them. That would be silly. What I was getting at is that explaining the "why" of your core values and your rules over the long haul is important.
And that point about modeling appropriate behavior is crucial. "Do as I say but not as I do," is a sure way to foster resentment and rebellion.
Crystal,
I like the words you had to say about your parents. It is obvious that they had their priorities straight.
I was raised in a Christian family and my parents have always tried to make God center in our lives. I think that is key, but it doesn't guarantee every child will turn out right. My brother and I were raised the same, but he has traveled a path much worse than mine. He seems to be turning towards God and I pray that he is returning to the way he was raised.
As for my family, both my husband will probably take things from our parents, but there are many things we feel will change.
I will take the God centered, family oriented plan and do my best to do better for my children. I believe that there must be clearly set rules and that it should be enough that I said so. Having said that, I also think that you should explain your beliefs and values to your children so that they can also discern right from wrong...and hopefully, not need me to always tell them what they are doing is wrong. I want them to see by my example how to behave and live. I also feel that we must remember that every child is different and sometimes we must deal with them in differnt ways. But the rules are always the same.
I hope that I will raise my children to be godly, obedient and respectful. I also hope that they will enjoy being with me as much as I enjoy being with my family now.
It seems to me that the children and teens who are kept as a family unit stay closer to the family. Those that are allowed to do peer oriented things like youth groups and such seem to really disconnect from their parents. This isn't a hard/fast rule but it does seem to fit those I know
In response to #4 They fave me a purpose to live for that was bigger than myself. I am in agreement with learning responsibility at an early age for both yourself and others around you. Ok you teach them to do chores and take care of the younger siblings and help others. All parents should be teaching that to their children. My questions is when you say "they did not allow a lot of room for selfishness" what exactly do you mean? Please be specific. Capitalism is a selfish system and some selfishness is necessary to acquire skills to maintain your family. Please dont look at individualism as a sin or a conflict. It goes hand in hand with maintaining the family and community. As most of you have large families how much responsibility should you 12 year old daughter take in rearing siblings that are 5 and under? Do you require this of your sons?
Hey Crystal,
I just read this post and had to think of how much I love my parents for some of the same things you wrote about. My parents are first generation parents so in raising my 8 siblings and I, I have to say I love them for what they have done and are doing. The one thing I think that has given us as a family a unity that alot of families dont have... (even some Christian ones out there) is a Real Love for your siblings. I dont just love my sisters and brothers "just cause" they are family...but truely love them. As I was growing up and I see it still in my little siblings now is thru any sibling squable it always came down to my dad saying... do you really love your sister? brother? (whoever it was) If you really love them...then you wont act like this. You will share, you will help them, you will look out for them, ect... And its true! My sisters and brothers are my best friends. And so are my mom and dad! When someone askes me why my family is so close and how is it that we all get along like we truley like each other I think that is so sad. Parents dont teach there children to love each other like they truly should. A bond more than just blood.
Fill my cup Lord!!!
Nichole
:-) First generation Christians... I need to preread more often.. haha
To Ahlam,
Just as a thought, I'd recommend the book Shepherding a Child's Heart, by Tedd Tripp. It's not a cure-all: nothing short of the gospel is. But it has much biblical wisdom for raising children.
In Christ.
My parents did very much the same thing, and we did things as a family. And they stayed involved in my education even though we were public schooled. (I grew up Baptist but never heard about homeschooling until I was an adult.)
These are things every parent can do, no matter what the schooling situation. Sometimes school can complicate it. Sometimes the child's temperment can complicate. But it is about a parent-child relationship underneath a parent-God relationship.
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