Idealistic or Faithful?
Guest Blog by Glenys Hicks - a wife, mother, and grandmother from Australia
Prior to that, they were going to have his money and her money in separate accounts with her keeping a secret account for provision for herself in case of marital problems necessitating her setting up a home for herself and the children. I expressed my concern that she should see this as a necessary step when entering into marriage. She responded with saying that one never knew what the future would hold and it was unrealistic to believe that just because she was married, there would be a guarantee of happiness. She intended to be prepared for any event that should arise. I told her that it was foolhardy to enter marriage -- a Christian marriage at that -- with one eye on the altar and the other on the divorce court.
I commented that it seemed to me to be a failing of trust on her part and also that it was in fact laying a foundation of mistrust and deceit in her marriage right from the beginning. Her retort was that I was just being idealistic and that being left without financial security in the event of a marriage failure was not on her agenda. She could not see my point of view so I let it drop- God would have to deal with her heart. I felt saddened by her cynical attitude. To enter marriage with the view that it may very well end in divorce is a tragic view and a distortion of the covenantal view that Christ has for marriage.
Marriage is to be built on trust. If there are problems, then they should be worked through. The marriage is already failed in the context of trust if one of the parties has a parachute to use to bail out with when or if the going gets tough. The area of trust has been compromised already by my friend keeping her account secret- she has allowed doubt and deceit to cloud her mind. One cannot enter a covenant with lies and doubts and plans for self preservation instead of trust in God. Not in a Christian marriage. The whole concept of marriage is built on trust and accountability to each other. I do not think it is idealistic or unrealistic. I think it is a basic principle of marriage that cannot be compromised.
Issues of doubt and fear should be ironed out long before the nuptials. For to be double-minded about your commitment in your marriage is to invite trouble and failure. The heart of the faithful is strong- but where there is any weakness in either spouse’s commitment there will be not only lack of trust but lack of blessing. My prayer is that the LORD will speak to my friend’s heart and give her the commitment and confidence that are hers as she trusts Him and her husband to build and bless their marriage. But first she must let go of the parachute and show herself faithful. Happiness can come only through true commitment and faith.
© Glenys Robyn Hicks 2005
posted by Crystal Paine at 11:41 AM
7 Comments:
I whole-heartedly agree that such a view of marriage will invite trouble and increase your chances for failure. When things get tough, the first though will be "Well, I've prepared myself for this...off I go!"
Better to trust God to see you through all your relational hardships and all your future trials, even the death of your spouse.
It's admirable that Mrs. Hicks was willing to speak up to her friend about this! There is no doubt that divorce is a tragic reality in our nation, however, in a Christian marriage it should never even be an option! If the woman wants to prepare herself for the difficult times in life then she should strive to build up her relationship with God, instead of building up her private bank account.
I agree with nicole. That is not the right attitude.
Here is what I'm doing. (I'm not married or even engaged but I have been dating my boyfriend for 2 years now.)
I have a savings account. It is in my name. I put 10% of my paycheck into it when I can afford it. It is not a secret. This is what I'll be using it for: retirement (I'm only 26 but I don't want to depend on a job retirement plan. Just look what happened to Enron.) In case I get sick or injured and lose my job I have something to fall back on for at least a little while. When I get married I'm still going to keep it in my name. If the family comes under duress: sickness, injury, loss of job. I use it for that. Retirement. If my husband divorces me I would use it for that too.
I don't believe in divorce and would never do it myself. The only time I would divorce someone is if they were physically, emotionally, sexually abusive to me or the children. But then I wouldn't marry someone like that. So in order for there to be a divorce he would have to divorce me.
Does this view seem wrong for keeping my savings account in my name only?
I agree that having a "back up plan" doesn't shows a willingness to CONSIDER divorce as an option--which it should simply NOT be to the Christian bride or groom. If divorce is allowed to be a posibility, it will be so much easier to try to bail "when the goin' gets tough." I'm sorry that so many couples see marriage as a experiment to "try on" for size. :(
Lyra,
When I was single I had quite a large savings account. I also have and still have a small retirement investment in the stock market. It is very small. I started it when I was working full time before I was married.
When I got married I was able to use my savings for needed repairs on our house. My husband also wants me to keep a small bank account so that I can build credit. This would be a positive thing for us both if we wanted to buy a car or another house someday. My name is also on the deed of our home. When we refinanced our home he thought it was important to add my name to it so I would learn to see the house as mine too.
With all that said, no Christian should enter a marriage with divorce on their mind. I only see sexual immorality and physical abuse as a biblical reason for divorce.
A woman should always be able to take care of herself - what if her husband dies?
And unfortunately, sometimes divorce is inevitable. Look at someone like the BTK killer - he was married! Sometimes bad things can happen to good women.
Having a savings account is fine - but if it needs to be a secret, that's a problem.
I agree strongly with this post. Keeping a secret bank account starts a marriage off on a bad foot. Imagine how hurt her husband will feel if he finds out about it -- especially if he finds out why!
I think Lyra Jean is on the right track. By all means, have your own bank account if you want, but don't keep it a secret.
When my husband and I first got married, we started off with our own separate accounts and a joint account. The idea behind that was so we wouldn't get confused and take out too much money. We wanted to avoid a situation where we both were spending money from the same account at the same time without realizing it, and then creating an overdraft. About a year in, it just got too complicated to have so many accounts so we mingled everything. And yes we did create overdrafts a couple of times, but the simplicity of having one checking account is worth it.
The larger principle of course is that one should never think about divorce going into a marriage. But self-sufficiency is still good-- because even if you don't consider divorce as a possibility, death and illness are.
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