"I've Not Seen This Point of View..."
Dear Crystal,
I have been reading your blog for quite awhile now but never posted. However, I think that I have something to add to this discussion from a perspective that not many young women know of yet.
I am 30 years old, married for 11 years and the mother of 2 children ages 7 & 9 that I homeschool. I live in rual Tennessee. My husband owns his own business and I am happy and content to be a stay at home mom. All of this sounds pretty normal compared to alot of the people that read and participate in your blog.
Well, here's the difference. Since I was 28 years old, I have been the caretakers of my parents. When I was 28, my mother was diagnosed with congestive heart failure. My father had already been fighting Parkinson's Disease for many years. Through the course of her illness, my mother completly lost her mental abilities. We moved in with mom and dad because they were unable to care for themselves. In the end, my mother was in diapers that I changed, she ate food that I spoon fed her and she had no idea who I was. She got confused and was convinced that she had given birth to my daughter and was angry with me because she thought I was some type of interloper. It was hard, be we made it through. Mother died in March of 2004.
Now, I am my father's full time caretaker. We have good days and not so good days, but after doing this for a few years now, I feel like I have a handle on it and it is no longer a shock to my system.
I guess the reason that I'm sharing this is that at our age - women in their 20's & 30's - we define ourselves as, "wife, mother, and daughter." There is so much more to that word daughter than many of you know. But, it is coming. There will be a day when you will be the parent of your parent. It is a whole new dimension of life and a whole new direction in your walk with God. It really wouln't hurt young women to give some thought and prayer to this part of their lives before they actually get there. I know you can't know the feelings you will feel when the time comes, but prayers asking for wisdom when the time comes will not hurt anyone.
Your life as a mother will probably not be extended to just your children. For alot of you, it will at some point, be extended to your parents as well. (It's amazing how much of your parenting skills you will use with your parents.) There is nothing that will set your priorities in order or humble you as much as washing your fathers hair because he can no longer do it.
I had not seen this point of view on your blog before and I just wanted to share as it is a reality for alot of Christian women who strive for a "rich, home centered life."
Sincerely,Deanne
posted by Crystal Paine at 1:32 PM
13 Comments:
Thanks for posting, this was a blessing to me. I have been in a similar situation in the past and I'm now planning on another similar situation in the very near future.
Deanne..Thanks for sharing this point of view. I often think about the the time that I may have to care for my parents in this way. I pray that I will not have too, but my husband and I have both talked about the possibilities of having to be there in that way for them. I pray that God will give me the strength and ability to do it, if the need arrises.
Thank you, Deanne....this is a good reminder, I appreciate you sharing your wisdom.
Hi Deanne,
I became my mother's caretaker when I was 27. It was no fun; very challenging financially, emotionally, and physically. I had two siblings who 'conveniently' were 'too' busy to assist. My mother died in 2001 and I still have relations who are not speaking to me for finally putting my mother in a fulltime care facility in 2000.
Taking care of a parent brings a whole new dimension to a woman's life.
On the plus side, we now have my husband's parents living with us. Although my own mother's demise was unpleasant, I'm fully prepared to take care of whatever my inlaws require. It won't come as such a shock to my system. I also am much more aware of coping strategies and available assistance services that in 1994 were not around.
You hang in there, Deanne. You have a special place in the hearts of those of us who have "been there, done that".
Katie in Ohio
What a blessing it will be to our parents if we DO care for them this way, and not stick them in a nursing home alone and away from family.
You bring up a good point, Deanne. Our society would rather put their parents in nursing homes instead of caring for them themselves. It is great to hear that some children are actually giving their parents the respect they deserve.
This was a blessing and a touching thing to read. Thank you for giving me some perspective on something I will probably face in the future.
God bless you Deanne! You are in my prayers.
Thank you for this beautiful reflection. My fiance and I are discussing serious issues in thie regard, as he is the only child of ailing parents, and this was encouraging.
This is a point of view that is very much needed I think. My husband and I are 27, and we live with his elderly grandmother. After her son died (two years ago last December), he and I took over her care, as her daughter (my mother-in-law) works full time on an evening shift, and does cleaning jobs during the day.
Dh's grandmother has diabetes, and macular degeneration, and is now almost nearly blind, so there are many things that she needs assistance with. She can still do most things herself (cleaning, dressing and eating), but I have taken over all of the household duties. I know that at some point in the future, her abilities will decrease and we will have to do more, and I am thankful for the chance to ease into that, and be more prepared.
Thanks for posting that! It is very encouraging :)
~Amy
I know what it's like. My dad was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer Christmas 2004. Me (23 at the time, now 24) and my brother who is 35 went to Indiana and helped dad as he got a little weaker. My brother helped him more than I did as of mid 2005 the Army was packing me and my hubby up and moving us to Germany. I did my best to keep dad's spirits up and prayed for him and my brother to have the strength they neded to make it. Dad died Oct. 9, 2005.
He was 61 years old.
Our mom is still going strong (health wise) but I know somewhere down this road of life desicions will have to be made concerning what will happen of dear ole' mom. Same with my dh's parents. I am not for or against nursing homes because I don't know much about them. My dad was in an assisted living home for the last 2 months of his life and it was such a caring place to be. But well, I don't know. When the time comes, I know the Lord will lead me and my dh in the right direction. :-)
I can relate to your story, but for a different reason. My husband has a mentally disabling brain disease, that is controlled by medication, for now as much as it can be, but I am his caregiver. It is hard when it is your hsuband you care for as there are things you never thought about when you thought to prepare to get married. Who thinks about what you are going to do when your husband cannot think clearly anymore and you have to decide very hard things just to keep him safe and your family? I think it is good to remember that there are many people in so many different situations, whether caring for aging parents who do not remember you anymore or a husband who doesn't know he is married to you or a child who is handicapped and reach out to them. They have harder things to deal with everyday than we think.
I also would like to agree with the comments and perspective of Deanne. My husband and I care for his father who has lewy body dementia. We are also parents of children ages 21, 18 and 11. Having the commitment to care for parents and living it out can be very different. Living with dementia is very difficult, especially for my youngest child who only remembers his grandfather in this mode. God's grace has been sufficient so far and my constant prayer is that this will draw us closer as a family and not tear us apart. I have learned that there may be times a family may need to find other care for a loved one. This time has not come for us as of yet, but it may down the road. Finding the right balance between caring for parents and still being parents is challenging. May God bless all of you who are seeking to honor God and your parents in this way.
Blessings,
DL
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