The Modern Life is a Lonely Life
I received this very thought-provoking and articulate email yesterday:
Dear Crystal,I read your blog a lot, and while I do not agree with 100% of everything posted, I believe that your messages are tearfully truthful.I have come to realize that my life as a single 27 year old woman, living alone is not my idea of having "freedom" as a 21st century woman. The meals alone, the empty house, the letting cobwebs grow because no one else is here anyways, is more debilitating than any medical ailment, and does not give solitude any value.While education is great, paper diplomas serve little purpose on a wall, when there is no one to share the joys of life with. The old comment that women need men, like fish need a bicycle, has been reinvented over and over in my mind. On the movie Chicken Little, there is a character called "Fish Out of Water." He is the cutest little fellow, and amazingly he walks around like the other characters. He has a special water-filled helmet that goes over his head so he can "breathe" and walk on land! I guess he could even ride a bicycle if the animators wanted him to. What I am trying to say here is that nothing is impossible with God, even a fish competing in the Tour de France, peddling away! Women do need men and men need women. Marriage is not an old-fashioned flop. It is a unique part of God's design for those he created- us. It is not archaic, or traditional even. It is just the way it should be. Like the sun setting and rising, the seasons changing. It is part of living. It makes living worth while.I was recently diagnosed with a thyroid condition as well as a cyst on ultrasound. While I am confident that God is healing me, the human part of me knows what the condition can do to affect fertility. I also have polycystic ovaries-which cause fertility problems. I do not believe in taking fertility drugs, so I know that there is a chance I may not be able to have children. When comments get made about large families, snickering remarks about women being "baby machines." and comments like, "wait till they start walking.." I am upset by it. Because they could easily be on the other side of the fence becoming non-medical experts in the infertility arena. They could be hearing the news of never being able to bring life into this world. I used to think the idea of parenting, was too much in this fallen world. I cried the other day, feeling down in spirit, and asked my Mom if it was really worth it to go through four c-sections, a bitter custody battle, resulting in losing her two younger sons. She told me that no matter what happened, it never changed the fact that she was and still is a mother. Motherhood, like marriage is a state of being as much as a duty or title. Everything is backwards now. People keep telling me over and over that I have plenty of time, that I should focus on getting a career going. Yes, I do have time but it is a precious commodity that once spilled, can never be poured back. The loss can leave one empty, if it is not filled with love. Marriage. Motherhood. It is love shared.Watching Kathrynne grow through your blog posts, seeing the changes in you makes me realize that the important things in life are often the least promoted ones. How many billboards read, "Get married. It will keep you healthy." or "Have a baby! Take the Focus off Yourself."I am certainly not perfect, I don't cook very well, my apartment is dusty and cluttered with papers. Often my bed is not made and dishes are piled up. My laundry is Mount Neverest, that I never quite conquer. I have all this time, and why is my place like this? It is from the absence of what time should be. Sharing, family, unity. I may be pitying myself, yes. Am I alone in this? No. It is an epidemic, worse than any recession or problem. Too many people are too often alone.Feminists rant and rave about liberation, not having a man, etc, etc. They are the most uneducated, ignorant people. They don't know love, like the Duggars know it, or the Paines even. To know love, is to be on top of the world, exhilarated by the sense of a new beginning. Hope everlasting. God, may I be able to experience it like I never have before. Amen. -S.S.
posted by Crystal Paine at 10:05 AM
18 Comments:
This post brought tears to my eyes and a vision to my soul. Thank you so much for posting it Crystal and thank you S.S. for sharing with us what it is like to be on the 'other side of the fence'. You have given me new appreciation for my life that is less than perfect but is what God has for me.
THANK YOU!
~Jen
S.S.---very good post. I will pray for you!!! Having a medical ailment is no fun I am sure, but it's good you believe God is healing you. Keep believeing that because it is true! He is the ultimate healer.
And remember, He is the One who opens and closes the womb. Doctors only know so much, and even though some may act like they are God by thinking they know everything, they are not. So contine to stay focused on the true and living God for your strength.
Maybe you may not be able to have children, but think of what an opportunity it will be to be able to adopt some needy children in need of a Christian home and love them as your very own. Maybe that's what the Lord has planned for you.
I know several older Christian women who are still single, and yes, they would like to marry someday and have children, but instead of getting down and out over it, they use each day to bring glory to God in whatever they do. They know God may or may not give them a spouse and either way, they are happy. They just want to please our Heavenly Father. So, keep on keepin' girl and no more sadness!!!!!!! As some of my single Christian friends say when they ask if they are married... "Yes, to Jesus Christ". It's true. So, allow Jesus to be the Man in your life for now. :-) He won't let you down...ever! God Bless You!
S.S.-
You have recognized truth in your life - now start living! That is what I did. Your testimony is beautiful, but now it is time to have faith and live with purpose. You are only 27! I have confidence that God has great things in store for you!
-Megmarc
S.S., my heart goes out to you for what you have been experiencing.
I cannot help but think that these words are for you-
Romans 8:31 ff
What then shall we say to all this? If God is for us, what can be against us? He who did not withhold or spare [even] His own Son but gave Him up for us all, will He not also with Him freely and graciously give us all things?
...(What) shall ever separate us from Christ's love? Shall suffering and affliction and tribulation? Or calamity and distress? Or persecution or hunger or destitution or peril or sword?...Yet amid all these things we are more than conquerors [m]and gain a surpassing victory through Him Who loved us. For I am persuaded beyond doubt (am sure) that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities, nor things [n]impending and threatening nor things to come, nor powers, Nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation will be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Wow! What a powerful post! S.S. God has a plan for your life. I pray God will bless you with a husband and many children to your delight. Thank you for being so vulnerable! I was married at 22, but did not have my first child until I had just turned 28. I had my last child at 41. (and I had all five of my kids by c-section) Keep writing your thoughts down. We have a generation of young woman who have bought into the lie.
Thank you again for sharing and may the Lord give you strength today. God will be faithful to you as He was to Hannah.
AMEN AND AMEN!
Sister, I pray that God will send you a man to love you and you him, and that He will heal your body and allow you to some beautiful babies into this world!
Crystal - regarding your comment on my site. Thanks for sharing your motherly "cleaning" story! I have to laugh about my experience this morning knowing that cleaning up after my sick kitty was great practice to get ready for our baby. I know my mom has told me about plenty of times when she was ready to go out the door to church or whatnot only to have to turn around and clean everybody and everything again due to diaper issues!
S.S. I am 33 and recently engaged to be married later this year. I was about 27 when I really felt that I was being called strongly to the vocation of marriage/family life. Time passed and then more time passed. Still God hadn't seemed to have brought the man who would be my husband into my life. I started praying deeply for my future husband everyday. I also began truly pursuing knowledge that would make be a better maker of a home, wife and hopefully mother. You mentioned the condition of your home right now--sounds just like mine use too. Try to use this time to create a weekly cleaning schedule, have friends over to use this time developing your hostess and cooking skills and pray, pray, pray for God to help you become the woman He wants you to be when He brings your future husband before you. And always pray for your future husband because God might not yet be finished molding him into the husband He wants for you. I have been where you are and it is a difficult thing to be still single, but feel so drawn to the life of a wife (and hopefully mother). You will have your days when you feel low and that is okay, but at the end of the day remember to pray and listen to what God is trying to teach you right now. I will keep you in my prayers SS. I pray that God will bring your future husband to you soon, that your body will be healed, you will be able to carry as many children as God wishes you have and that you are the best wife and mother you can be!
Thank you, Crystal, for sharing such a poignant e-mail. And thank you, S.S., for sharing your thoughts and desires.
Thank you everyone for your prayers and support. It means so much to me <><
WOW! This is so encouraging. What a woman, to be able to voice these concerns not only to Crystal, but to all the rest of us out here. Thank you so much for sharing your story, your passions, and your desires. I am certainly not a woman who has any room to give a woman older than me advice, but I know the kind of God I serve. He has been faithful... and He will not neglect His children. He will remember us and send the Comforter to help us cast our cares upon Him.
Delight thyself also in the Lord; and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart. Psalm 37:4
Thank you for letting us read this, Crystal!! What a blessing and what proof of your ministry through this blog!! AMEN!!! :D
I have to say I am a bit offended at the last paragraph! I consider myself a feminist, but that doesnt mean that I dont know love! Most feminists are not anti-men, but are pro-women, and wish to empower women to make the choices that suit them....not merely the choices that are dictated by society or whatever.
I am not uneducated, nor am I ignorant. I know what love is like, to both give and receive. I am in a truly wonderful relationship, and have a very loving family. I wonder what part of being a feminist implies that you dont feel love?
Like SS I have PCOS and have had to face my fear that I will never have children. As a result I am taking measures toowards addrssssing this....changing my diet, getting more exercise and am on medication (for this as well as insulin resistance/pre-diabetes).
Please dont assume that all feminists are bitter, mean women who hate men, and dont know love. Women everywhere are more alike than we are different.
Thank you Crystal for sharing this.
Dear S.S. - thanks for this post. It could have been written by me. Just 2 years ago I was young, successful, well-off 'single' businesswoman as well but felt so lonely and sad as in my beautifully furnished cool apartment there was just silence, no one to talk to, no one to cook for, etc. Often I just cried and wished that the clean floors would be full of dirty small rubber boots and used diapers and Lego bricks instead. And that there would be someone to spit and wee on my breautiful expensive designer clothes...
At the same time, I was told by a doctor that I have PCO and are not able to have children at all. That was the end of my life, all my dreams crashed. But somehow, amazingly, God was still strengthening me. I was reading the Bible and stories about the ladies who were childless but God opened their wombs. And I got the power to believe that God is almighty, he is the beginning and the end. He can give life, and also cancel the life. I just prayed and trusted Him.
Just a couple of months after that I met my husband-to-be. Now we have been married for approximately six months and are expecting our first baby to be born in June. All these good things have suddenly happened to me as God has been hearing my prayers and been so kind for me.
I just wanted to share my testimony in order to encourage you. God CAN do miracles. He looks into the heart and KNOWS what is best for you. I am sure that being a wife and mother is good for you as that is what we women are called to be.
As someone else already said beautifully, I also believe that God has great things in store for you! I pray that your wishes will come true.
Baby Girl: Most feminists will say they are "pro-women" and even believe they are so, but they are not. By feminists saying that men and women are no different (which could not be farther from the truth!), they are abolishing the need for men and denigrating the beautiful calling for women and thus destroying the family. The only way to truly empower women is by sharing the Gospel and showing women who they are in Christ and encouraging them to fulfill the role that God has called them to in Scripture.
Thanks for sharing your story, Kanga! How exciting!
S.S.,
I had a girlfriend who has a thyroid problem and was told she would have difficulty getting pregnant. She had a baby two years later.
I had another friend who had to have an ovary removed because of a cyst. SHe was told she would have problems conceiving and she thought that no man would want to marry her. She is married now and has two children so far...
Dr.s can be full of bad news but they are not always right. Miracles still happen.
My mother-in-law was told after her first baby that she probably wouldn't be able to get pregnant easily because of a tipped uterus. She had ten children. The first two were Irish twins!
Thanks for posting that letter, Crystal.
Yes, I don't think it's fair to make a blanket statement that all feminists are ignorant and unloving. Anyway, there are varying degrees of "feminism", and many women who consider themselves feminists don't believe that men and woman are identical.
Amy Jones
S.S.,
There is a wonderful, godly women at my church who married in her late thirties; she now has three beautiful sons, and I would not be surprised if she had more. Another woman waited many years for her second child. When she finally gave this issue to God, He gave her another child. God loves you, and all things work together for the good of those who love him. Do not despair or put your hope in the knowledge of men. He has a wonderful and perfect plan for you; plans to give you hope and a future, to prosper you and not to harm you.
Most feminists today are pro-choice. This means that they are working against everything which makes women special. There are some women, godly women even, who identify with the term feminist but are instead interested in helping women in disadvantaged countries and encouraging women to believe themselves holy and blessed princesses. I do not know why they use the same word, but the word is full of very emotional implications for many people. It is probably preferable to state your actual beliefs to avoid misunderstandings.
Hey Zan, you're back! Did you have your baby yet?
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