Mothering Teen Sons
Dear Crystal,
I have a topic that I would love some feedback on, and as I ask questions, and search for wisdom from other moms I really don't get much response from a truly Christian point of view.
My question is about the mother/son relationship. We are Reformed Christians, have always home schooled our children (3), been cautious about what kind of friends they have, little TV, and all that kind of stuff. Our family has always tried to be 'Others-minded', knowing that our love for Christ is first, and He commands us to love our neighbor.
Today is my son's 18th birthday, and I am so disappointed in so many of the choices he is making (as is my husband). We feel like we are stumbling around each day trying to figure out how much to let go and how much to draw back in. We don't agree with the "kids will be kids, they'll grow out it" kind of thinking. But right now we look at him and think.."WHO ARE YOU?" He is questioning and challenging us at every point.
I'm not sure if this is making sense. It seems like he and I are constantly butting heads. I guess my question from a woman's point of view is, how and when do moms need to back off? We've had a little struggle over the past year and a half. I know he is becoming a man, but how do *I* fit into all of this? Sometimes I feel like I am 'Lording it over him', though I do try very hard NOT to. I know men thrive on respect, and I am starting to see how important that is for our sons also. But how can you respect someone that is making such poor choices?
Don't get me wrong, compared to the World's 18 year olds he 'looks' great, but THAT is NOT our standard. -Kathy
posted by Crystal Paine at 1:42 PM
13 Comments:
Kathy, my "mother" heart grieves with you over this. Does your son claim to be a believer? If so, I would appeal to him on the basis that he claims the name of Christ. Simply put, I would begin to pray that God would just arrest him. That your son would be so caught up in thankfulness to the Lord for life and salvation, his conduct toward you and your husband would just be a natural outflowing of that.
I know I'm not a mother of a teen, just of a baby, so I'm not really qualified to answer this question from a mother's standpoint. However, I was a very misguided, troubled 18 year old and I can tell you that if I didn't make some of the terrible mistakes I made at that time, I would probably never have turned into the Godly woman I am striving to be now.
In other words, God purposely used all of my negative choices and experiences to break me down and then build me back up w/a focus on him, instead of on myself. Sometimes the most Godly people had the most troubled pasts.
I hope this offers some tiny encouragement. I will pray for you.
I'll get my mother to respond... but I would suggest reading the recent articles that Micheal Pearl has written about jumping ship...
Crystal,
I have written three posts on teens that your reader may be interested in. I will link to them here for the possible benefit of others who are reading and struggling with their teens as well.
I don't have all the answers and am still living in the grace of God each day to give me wisdom to parent my children. I share these as one who seeks to encourage others not as one who has it all figured out.
The first is called Don't Bend the Wire,
http://spunkyhomeschool.blogspot.com/2005/05/dont-bend-wire.html
The Second is Extreme Parenting
http://spunkyhomeschool.blogspot.com/2005/12/extreme-parenting.html
And the Third is The 3R's of Parenting
http://spunkyhomeschool.blogspot.com/2005/06/3rs-of-parenting.html
Please read them all as they represent a more complete picture of how we view parenting teens then any of them separately.
spunky
Kathy, I haven't experienced your situation personally but I have seen my best friend who is a mother to 6 sons ranging from 25 to 16 go through a similar situation. Each one of her sons has gone through this at some point...some caused her more tears than others. Some even left the family for a time. Here are some of the steps she took:
1) prayer and lots of it - for the son and for yourself to be wise in relating to your son.
2) insist that your son follows the house rules. He does not have the right to be a bad example to younger siblings. If he refuses, he must move out.
3) assure him that he is welcome to family gatherings and visits and that if he ever needs help you are a phone call away.
4) do not be moved by his pleas to "accept him the way that he is" if he is violating standards you and your husband hold dear. Instead tell him that you respect that he has the right to make choices but in turn he has to respect that you have standards.
5) keep a long term view. As each child is different they take different journeys. Some realize how foolish they are quickly and return back to their family. Some take what seems like forever to come to their senses and return to fellowship with the family. It can almost break a mother's heart.
For some reason boys hate to be lectured by their mother at this age so its probably best if dad takes over the heart to hearts at this point...afterall dad went through this too!
Hope this helps in some small way!
I was never sure if it thier behavior was caused by what we did or their own unique personalities.
We especially strict with our oldest sons, and limited how much time he spent out side the house and as much as we could who he spent it with and what he was doing.
He married at 23 to a wonderful woman and they are expecting our first grandchild. He made some bad discions but for the most part as turn out very well.
With my second son we succomed to pressuer and lightened up. The first thing we found out was, if you give them an inch, they really will take a mile! :)
I intended this to be a better post but the youngest boy (14) is fighting with his sister (17) again, so gotta go.....
Here is a direct link to Michael Pearl's article:
Jumping Ship
It's a very long article (4 parts with several pages for each part), but you have to read to the end to get his full point.
I just want to agree w/ the ladies who have recommended Michael Pearl's 4 pt. article Jumping Ship. My two oldest children are boys (7 & 5). My thoughts and prayers are with you and your husband, and your son.
Mrs. A. Barnes
Maybe a pastor of your church could do some one on one counseling to help reach to the root of the problem. Sometimes it's easier to talk to a person not related so closely to the situation.
The hardest part to realize is that a person will not change until he has a desire to change. That's incredibly hard to take in when you love that person so much.
Keep praying for wisdom & strength, & He will provide.
Wanderingrose,
you said "The first thing we found out was, if you give them an inch, they really will take a mile! :)"
That is exactly what my son was saying in the post Don't Bend the Wire that I linked to above. He was encouraging us not to give in.
Last year at this time my husband and I attended a Parental Guidance Required class. This is available from North Point Resources. I recommend it highly.
One of the things that the class talks about is the gradual shift from parenting in total authority (when the kids are little) to total influence (when they are adults). The shift from total authority to total influence is gradual over a long period of time, starting from when they are old enough to make some of their own decisions. First it may be the child choosing what he will wear each day, growing into bigger decisions as they grow.
What a parent's goal should be is not to use your authority to make your child do what you want, but to build the relationship in a way that makes your child admire and trust you so much that they will listen to what you have to say when they don't have to any more.
If you fail to build your relationship in a way that causes your child to respect you and your advice, you will ultimately fail because your child will not choose to yield to your influence later in life when you do not have authority over them.
How and when do moms need to back off? Way before your son is 18. Hopefully your husband can take a stronger roll in his life.
If you feel like you are lording over him, you probably are..more than you suspect.
Questioning and challenging is part of being a MAN! I am sure that you really don't want him to be a guy that just quietly follows along without ever weighing things in his own mind. He needs these skills in order to lead his own family some day. It may seem really scary that he is questioning, but I think when a thinker is encouraged, given some good, open, honest, kindhearted discussion and debate opportunites, they can really "own" their beliefs, which is exactly what they need to do!
The Pearls have a lot of good stuff to say about boys, teens, and I agree that the Jumping Ship series recently was very, very good.
I know it must be very hard for you to go throuth this after all that you have invested in your child's life. I know it is popular in homeschooling circles to think that any deviance from the plan the parent's hoped for their children is unacceptable, but I don't think that's very realistic. I believe that a lot of people need to "Drop their parent's religion in order to pick it up again as their own." No, it's not a parent's first choice, but I'd rather my child go through this when they are still home and 18, than later on when the stakes are higher.
Since I don't know what exactly your son is doing that is upsetting you so much, I will just say in general terms that there are standards that families have that are Biblical absolutes, and there are others that are preferences or your own choice on ways to apply a Biblical principle. I would encourage you to consider whether what he is doing is violating something absolute in the Bible (premarital sex, breaking laws, etc.) or if he is simply making some different choices on how to apply principles (ie: music, modesty, clothing styles, etc.). Young adults have to learn to make their own choices on applying principles, and most of the time every family is a little bit different on that.
Kathy sent an update yesterday which I am posting below. Please pray for their family.
------------------
Our son left us a note today while we were gone to church (he was suppose to follow us in his truck a few minutes later), that since we want to continue to be "strict", then he wants to be out and make it on his own. His clothes and a few personal things were gone.
As far has being strict...we ask that he let us know where he is, when he'll be home and who he is with. With bigger things he should get permission (like a rock concert he informed us he was going to and we said, "No way!" we have never allowed this.)We ask that he take the trash out, mow the grass (every other week), and to make breakfast the first Sun of the month. We ask that he be home 7ish in the evenings, families NEED that time to relax, talk, laugh, read, pray together (which he always finds a reason to be gone until 8-9-10). He also has to attened church with us while he is dependant ($$) on us (because he works we've asked him to pay $30 a week and that includes 'laundry service'). Church seems to be a big issue. We attend a Reformed church, no youth group, all home schoolers or Christian schooled, and our worship style is 'reserved' (not sure how else to discribe that ;o) ). But it is not 'church' that is the problem, nor do I think our 'rules' are too strict. I do think it is his quest to "be a man" and he is choosing to take the wide path to get there.
I do confess that I *DO* have a hard time being quiet when I get angry with him and would be considered a 'nag' :o( Though I promise I am working so hard on that! My husband is more reserved, slow to speak (which is good) and a very hard worker. We love God, and all we want is for our children to love God and we can't understand WHY he is acting this way. He keeps looking to the world for his standard. We have allowed him to work with my husband for the past 2 years on and off in construction under his careful eye. He has been exposed to alot of grabage and has seen what sin can do . I feel like he is trying to walk as close to the edge as he can.
I keep thinking about Eve, Cain, etc... I keep asking God to show me where did we go wrong. Yes, we've made mistakes, but we do try to confess them. How much of it is US, and how much is it God needing to work things out in our son?
Thank you to all who have replied. We are striving to persevere in tribulation, pray continually, and rejoice in hope. -Kathy
Please understand that I mean this to be helpful, not hurtful. Perhaps it is because I am coming at this from a different perspective, but I think expecting an 18 year old to be home by 7:00 is highly unreasonable, especially when, at the same time, you're expecting him to pay over $100 a month in rent. At 18, he is an adult and is no longer a child. Even if he is living under your roof, I feel he should be given much more independence. If you have time, I would recommend reading some of the articles and books Dr. Dobson has written. (He's the founder of Focus on the Family.) He frequently talks about the need for parents to take hold of the authority when kids are young, but then to gradually let go as they get older. It sounds to me like you are trying to hold on very tight, which in turn has led to his wanting to be free from the grip. I know this situation must be very difficult for you. I think you'll find a lot of great insight and help if you can read some of Dr. Dobson's materials. I wish you well.
daybreaking
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