"Modern women must not be enslaved by their children"
It's the start of the summer holidays, when millions of mothers despair at how to entertain their children for the next six weeks. What none of them dare say is that they would rather their children were still at school or, frankly, anywhere else. Helen Kirwan-Taylor, a 42-year-old writer, lives in Notting Hill, West London, with her businessman husband Charles and their sons Constantin, 12, and Ivan, ten. Here, she argues provocatively that modern women must not be enslaved by their children.
The lies started when my eldest son was less than ten months old.
Invitations to attend a child's birthday party or, worse, a singalong session were met with the same refrain: 'I would love to but I just can't spare the time.'
The nanny was dispatched in my place, and almost always returned complaining that my son had been singled out for pitiful stares by the other mothers.
I confess that I was probably ogling the merchandise at Harvey Nichols or having my highlights done instead. Of course I love my children as much as any mother, but the truth is I found such events so boring that I made up any excuse.
I can't say which activity I dreaded more: playing Pass The Parcel at parties with a child who permanently crawled away from the action towards the priceless knick-knacks, or listening to the other mothers go on about such excitements as teething and potty-training. Mind-numbing!
Sorry, Helen, but I disagree that you love your children as much as any other mother. The truth is: You love yourself.
In this age of the feministic "It's all about ME" mantra, what can we expect, though? More and more women have children only to pass off the responsibilities of raising them to anyone but themselves.
I feel no sympathy for these moms but I feel incredible sympathy for these children. Can you imagine how it would feel if your mom thought you were boring and she'd much rather get her highlights done than spend time with you? That she'd rather be anywhere else than with you? And this is passed off as loving and healthy? I honestly don't understand how anyone can think this way. Yes, children are a lot of work and they require enormous amounts of time and love and sacrifice. But it is worth every bit of it.
My advice to Helen: If you weren't willing to be a mom in the first place, why did you have kids? Your children need you. At the end of your life, I doubt you'll look back and be happy that you sacrificed being your children's mother for the sake of a selfishness. You'll wish you could take back all those years and you can't. You only have one shot at being a mom.
posted by Crystal Paine at 11:13 AM
24 Comments:
I do agree with one tiny part of this article. Many parents make everything center around the child's wants and spend too much time running from one kid-friendly activity to another, which is certainly not healthy for the child or parent. The rest of the article makes me sick though. Maybe the author should try to find something interesting to do with her children, or maybe she just needs to change her attitude. She seems to feel that her degree and career make her too good to do something so menial as taking care of her own offspring. Personally I find having my hair done or trying to find the right shoes to go with my new skirt much more boring than watching my children learn about the world. I wonder how Helen will feel when her children never come visit her at the nursing home when she is older. I mean if they pay for her room and board and send her a card saying "I love you" once in a while they will probably feel they are doing the best for her. Coming to visit would make Mom too bored, especially if they brought the grandkids.
This reminds me very much of the attitude of my distant father who never spent time with me or interacted with me except for his weekends, which he changed at his whim. Then he wondered why our relationship was non existent.
Children don't really understand words that well, but they understand actions and time spent together.
Maybe the time I spend laying on the floor with my daughter while she climbs all over me and we laugh and giggle is not educational in the traditional sense, but it shows her that I love her.
Words are nice, but actions speak louder.
The answer to this woman is so obvious! OF COURSE you think your children are boring - you don't have a relationship with them! Anybody would feel bored with a child or husband or even pet dog whom they didn't bother to get to know or speak to or spend time with. In general, even people who like kids are not going to find "other peoples' children" fascinating unless they develop a relationship with those children. This woman is treating her own kids like "other peoples' children". What a shame. How much she is missing out on!
But I agree Crystal, it's the children who really deserve our compassion. Imagine having such a "boring" mother! You will never find more boring people in the world than the entirely self-absorbed.
Ugh! This kind of thing really gets me upset...sorry about that!:op
I don't agree with this woman at all, but unfortunately this is being taught all around us. It's all about me, me, ME!!!
But I do agree with something at the end of the article. Parents should not build their lives around their kids. A family should work together as a unit. I've been thinking much on this lately. When my children were young, we took them everywhere, and many times they had to sit quietly and listen, not be entertained or waited on. Now it's so common to hear people stay home rather than go to church, visit friends or anything else that would conflict with a child's schedule. I think it's a really bad habit to start.
I remember my MIL counseled me once to lay my kids on the couch or in the corner of the floor for naps once in awhile, so if we were out at naptime or in the evening they would be used to just going to sleep without their beds. She had eight kids, and not a selfish bone in her body, but she always made time to fun things with their friends. The kids were there, involved, but not always the center of attention.
I do not even want to go over to the link and give whomever posted that article a hit! I am seriously sick to my stomach! I am not being mean when I wonder if a woman who thinks like this should be called a mother. She birthed a child, but has given him up to be adopted by the nanny, the school and anyone else who would care about the things he cares about (in other words care about him).
I really, really do not understand how getting your highlights done (in other words sitting in front of a mirror for a few hours doing NOTHING) could be more fun than spending some time with other moms and kids.
Color me baffled!
Amy
homeschoolblogger.com/reformingmama
you go crystal! you are speaking the truth!
That is just terrible. Sure, sometimes I do things with my son I find boring. It's not always "fun" being a mom. But I do it because I love my son. I can't imagine getting highlights instead of taking my child to a party. And what message does that send the child - "my hair is more important than you". Just repulsive!
I totally understand taking some time off here and there to get a haircut and such - that makes sense. But purposely choosing to send a nanny with your child because you don't want to go...I just don't understand how a mother could do that.
I agree, she doesn't seem to know how to love outside of herself. It makes me sad to look at the picture of her with her sons, one of them looks about the age of my nephew. It would break my heart if he ever thought that I was bored with him. What people sometimes forget is that children are human beings. How would she feel if her husband told her that she "bored him to death"? Children feel hurt as much as anyone, especially if they feel rejected by their own mother.
Children are so precious. Their childhood is such an important and central time for them to feel safe and loved. Sadly, I think this woman represents a large majority of selfish parents. Yes, this one definately hit a nerve with me:)
Okay...
I commented on this at Sallie's site, but I'm still so infuriated with this woman's attitude...
She's college educated. She's "got it all"...SHE MAKES THE REST OF US GODLY COLLEGE EDUCATED WOMEN LOOK BAD! This is just another person who adds more fuel to the call for women to come back home (not that that is a bad thing. Sometimes, I just think Christian women who are college educated/ aren't able to be at home get a bad rap because of women like this.)
We haven't tried to have a baby yet, and to be honest, I'm not all that crazy about the little buggers sometime (I'm from a big family, and unlike some folks, love to be solitary as opposed to being surrounded by people always), but if the Good Lord sees fit to bless me with kids, you better darn well believe I'll take an active interest in them. And she obviously doesn't realize some folks struggle with something called 'infertility.'
And by the way....her kids are only boring because she obviously doesn't make an effort. Perhaps she should try speaking to a therapist. Or start appreciating God's gift to her.
AUGH!
How very very sad :(. I tried to read the whole article but, to be honest, it got kind of "boring" hearing her state the same things over and over :). Children are boring...I think not! Boring is sitting and trying to have a conversation with another grown woman who would rather think about shoes ;)!
Just this morning my 8 and 4 year old daughters were playing restaraunt and it was so cute to listen to them figure out how they were going to "go into business" while still raising their "children". They finally decided that their "restaraunt" would be attatched between their homes so that they and their children would all be together, except during naptime when they have a baby monitor handy to keep an ear on them. During this conversation my 4 year old asked me, "Mommy, why do people have children if they are going to leave them all of the time?".
I feel so sorry for her children, and a little worried that this is the way that a majority of our children's generation is being raised!
This article brought me to tears!
I may have my days of frustration in being a SAHMama, but I don't want to be anywhere else but with my daughter, and I don't want someone else taking care of her.
I cannot imagine having missed out on all of those little things in life!
I suppose I'm dull! I love coloring in color books with my daughter. And I love talking about all of the little things that comes across her brilliant mind. She interests me greatly, as I watch her grow and learn.
That article made me want to cry! What a horrible woman! She doesn't deserve her children. May she reap what she sows. Valerie
This woman does not know God's definition of Love as recorded in 1 Corinthians 13:4. I think it would be difficult for any honest person to believe that she loves her children. I'm also appalled that others agree with her article. I can understand needing some adult conversation if you've been home alone with your 2 year old all day, but she sounds like she's gone off the deep end!
It is heart breaking that she views her children in this way and still thinks she loves them as much as anyone. I'm sure she loves them somewhat..but when you see them as a burden...how tragic.
Sommer
I suppose if you saw no purpose in raising and training children, the day-to-day WORK of parenting could seem boring or monotonous at times. But when you take seriously the Biblical command to raise your children in the nurture and admonition of the Lord, and when you realize that you are actively discipling the next generation, every single act of parenting is immensely valuable! I don't see how such a wonderful opportunity could ever be boring.
I always wonder what will happen in 10 years. A lot of parents complain about their teengaers, that they rather hang out with friend than do stuff with the family.
In our family we have a woman with 2 precious small children who doesn't want to make time for her children, when the family talks about it, they always o "she's just not good with small children, once they're older she'll do more stuff with em." But will those children want to then?
When mothers put their self before their family, they shouldn't be surprised if that is what their children will do later on. That is someting they should keep in mind, I think.
I am always inspired by something I heard on Elizabeth Eliott's program when my children were small. It it a quote by Amy Carmichael.
An old proverb in India says, "Children tie the feet of the mother."
Amy once wrote, "I will gladly tie my feet, therefore, for the One whose feet were nailed for me." Amy saved thousands of children in India and raised them in an orphanage. How much more should we as mothers allow our feet to be tied by the children God entrusts to us.
Ok, after I threw up I did some thinking.
She does talk about this being a child-centered society. I know moms who practically worship their children.They give their children everything they want, they have their children plan their vacations, they go to playdates and never cancel them if they are too tired (if I'm exhausted I cancel playdates), they spend almost no time with their husbands because of the children, etc... I believe that extreme is wrong, but she has taken it to the other extreme. I have adult time and kid time. I don't play with my children 24/7 and cater to their every need and neither did my parents.
This nut, on the other hand seems more hateful to her children than loving. I love building towers with my toddler or talking to my 4 mos old. I love to see him love me. It is such a wonderful experience. I love to watch my 4 mos old nurse and look at me with his big (almost brown eyes, now). I don't get bored by that. I am never bored at home come to think of it.
I love to have little conversations with my toddler who tries out new words that are so hilarious when they come out. Yesterday he said "bi-cle." That means bicycle.
As I write this, he is "reading" the car section of the newspaper pointing out every car and truck and what make they are. It is absolutely hysterical.
I love my kids and wouldn't have someone else raise them. People like this Helen lady are so messed up. No, you don't worship your children and give them everything they want, but you also don't call them boring and show your obvious disdain for them.After I read this article I just felt like she couldn't be bothered by them. If you love somebody don't you want to be with them? I sure hope her kids don't ever read this.
The fact is, if she is bored with her children, it is no ones fault but her own. I do not know of a less boring job than raising children. Between the unexpected joys of finding that your child has done something you did not expect to the harder things of finding out he drew on the wall, nothing is more boring sounding to me than a office job! In comparision, mothering may be hard, maybe be tough, but boring? Not a chance!
I read that article and I am literally sick to the stomach. What kind of mother would write something like that... if her kids read that they would be devastated. I am sure they are already starved for love and attention and yet she not only selfishly refuses to parent them, she puts it into writing for the world to see. I would like to bring those two children into my home and give them the attention they have never received from their own mother!
That is completely disturbing. I feel terrible for her children. I also feel terrible for any mother that reads her work and begins to doubt her own role as a mother. Whoever gave that woman a position of power by letting her be published should be sacked.
Thanks for this. I posted this on a forum with much the same personal response and I was shot down in flames for being judgemental.
Like it's not judgemental to call your kids boring and motherhood menial.
Others read it as hyperbole, they explained, and we all do have moments of tedium as mothers, which is a fair point. But the woman in the article seemed to want to be affirmed in her attitude, rather than told to snap out of it and stop being so self-absorbed, which is what she really needed, imo.
To Jenny:
I love that quote, it says so much....sounds like a great crosstitch project.
Methinks that Helen has a big "L" on her forehead!
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