Dealing with disapproval
I came across your website last night and was inspired as I read through your blog entries. I am 21 and, to the dismay of many people, have not attended college. I was accepted at several different colleges, but the Lord clearly shut the door of opportunity at each step of the way, mostly by not making it financially feasible for me to attend. I have had many people look down on me and quite a few tell me that I will never make anything of my life unless I further my education through college. I am currently working full-time as a medical biller, but my ultimate goal and what I truly believe to be my "calling" in life is to be a wife and mother. What are your suggestions for dealing with the constant disapproving comments that others make because I have not furthered my education? - Angel
Hello, Angel! Thanks for writing. I read your email and remembered all too poignantly how it feels to be what seems like the only girl alive not in college (I know that's a bit of an exaggeration, but there were certainly times when it felt that way!). It seemed everyone felt it was their duty to weigh in on my "predicament" and tell me why they thought it was so important I go to college. Even now, believe it or not, I still get a lot of condescending remarks from people because I'm an "uneducated housewife."
Let me start by saying that I'm not completely opposed to girls going to college. I think there are circumstances where God directs a young lady to pursue higher education (either through her parents or when circumstances or the calling of God dictate such). However, I think such circumstances should be more the exception, than the norm. In today's society, college is highly overrated. It's as if the only way to learn anything is by going to college. All other learning methods and study methods are second class compared to it. I'm not sure where that nonsense originated - maybe from college professors or the colleges themselves? Yes, there are some good things you can learn from some colleges, but much of what is considered "learning" is not preparing you for real-life. In fact, many of the things taught are completely meaningless and often unbiblical. Despite what the world says, there are many other ways to learn most things than through spending four years of your life being "indoctrinated" by humanistic professors.
However, that said, spouting off something like the above paragraph to everyone of your naysayers is probably not going to be a very effective tool in earning anyone's respect. So, what should your response be?
First off, realize that oftentimes when God calls you to something, it doesn't mean other people will understand. In fact, many times they won't. He requires faithfulness and obedience from you, whether or not other people understand or agree. There are so many examples of people in the Bible and throughout history who stood for what was right, no matter what kind of criticism they received. If you are ridiculed for your obedience to God, don't feel sorry for yourself. Instead, rejoice that your faith is being strengthened through adversity. I'm sure it won't be the last time in your lifetime that it happens so it can be an excellent learning and growing experience.
Secondly, don't be ashamed at the path you are taking. Following God is never something to feel embarrassed about. I remember when I was nearing my high school graduation and I started receiving the usual barrage of "what-are-you-going-to-do-now?" questions. At first, I was really timid to answer and felt a nervousness arising inside whenever the subject was broached. My older sister had gone to college with the direction and blessing of my parents and it was just assumed I would follow suit. My parents were open to however God led me and I felt really strongly that college wasn't what God was calling me to. I had so many opportunities for ministry in my home, in our church, and in our community and so many different things I wanted to learn, to read, to explore, to do, there wasn't time in my day for it all and I couldn't imagine trying to squeeze in four years of college, too. What was I ashamed of? I had a full and wonderful life of learning, growing, serving, loving... why should I shrink to share about it with others when they asked? And so I began viewing the "What do you do?" question not as a dread, but an opportunity to share how God was leading me. I found that if I answered matter-of-factly and genuinely that I was busy serving my family, teaching violin, working part-time as a waitress, and publishing a newsletter for young women worldwide, among many other things, most people were actually very courteous and often acted pretty impressed that without being a full-time college student, I didn't seem to be wasting my time. By being confident in God's calling and leading in my life and not pandering around for an answer or mumbling something about "I'm not sure," I was able to gain the respect of many would-be naysayers.
Sometimes, though, no matter your confidence or well-prepared answer, people are still going to disaprove. Don't let it worry you or dishearten you. Let it, instead, motivate you to pray for these people, to show love towards them, and to be a Godly example of a contented, selfless, virtuous woman. The way you live your life is often much more powerful than anything you could say. So keep on, keeping on. The Lord will richly bless you for your faithfulness!
Related: Here's an answer I gave to a discontented young single girl recently. I also recommend you get a copy of my latest book, Handmaidens of the Lord. It was written to be an encouragement to young women like you.
Graphic from Elms Puzzles
posted by Crystal Paine at 10:19 AM
8 Comments:
"I found that if I answered matter-of-factly and genuinely that I was busy serving ... most people were actually very courteous and often acted pretty impressed that without being a full-time college student, I didn't seem to be wasting my time."
I had the same experience. I always had a list of things I was busy doing. (I still do! lol) Most people were intrigued and supportive. (They still are! Now I'm a SAHW&M but never once has anyone looked down on me for it.)
I strongly believe it is when we waver or seem unsure of what we're doing, that people want to "jump in" and rescue our insecurities. That's when they pester us with the "you MUST go to college" routine. When we resist after their initial suggestion, because deep down we really do know what we want to do but just didn’t want to say it, they make a stronger case for college because they think we're lazy or completely clueless.
I say gather your list and be unashamed the next time you’re asked! : )
I used to be one of those who couldn't believe that a young girl wouldn't go to college after high school. Being a college professor's wife and coming from a family where higher education was very highly valued, I really couldn't understand an intelligent young woman NOT wanting to go to college.
Right now I am going through a major transformation on what I believe about Biblical womanhood. This blog has helped in this transformation. I don't look down on young women not wanting to go to college anymore. I have two daughters and I will teach them first to be a Godly wife and that their family is their first priority. If they decide to go to college and have a career, I would hope that they would do that while still single.
Thanks for the encouragement in this blog!
Erin
Crystal, since you so often field these sorts of issues, there are two books that I would highly recommend to you- two very godly perspectives on the Christian rationale for university education. The first is "The Idea of a University" by John Henry Newman, a British pastor of the 19th century; the second (much shorter and more contemporary) is "Leisure, the Basis of Culture," by Josef Pieper.
I think that you would really enjoy these, and that the material would enable you to respond to these issues with all the more depth and precision. - Best!
Boy do I know what this is like! I tried to get into a missionary college, and it seemed as if everything that could possibly go wrong did! Then I did end up at a community college one year, and ended up in a sociology class that made me come home and despise men because of what the professor taught. Needless to say I'm 22 and I'm not college educated either.
I love what Crystal said about thinking of the "what will you do now?" question as an opportunity to share how God is working in your life.
I also want to add that being a little confused about life is perfectly normal, not everyone knows exactly what they are supposed to do right away. Take time to pray about it, and don't be too hard on yourself. God's plan is very different for each person, and going to college, contrary to what society tells us, won't give your heart peace about this.
Ohh YES....thank you Crystal so much for posting this! If you felt liek it was God's leading to post this instead of just answering through private email, I was probably the reason for that. Our GOd is so good and knows exactly what we need. =)
In my familiy it's not just the expectation to go to college...it's a given. My grnafather is very wealthy and has given each of his grandchildren a college fund, which he adds to every year. My older sister went to an out of state college as a sophmore at the age of 17. My little sistr, at the age of 9, is already a year and a half ahead in school. It's what is expected in my extended family be especially in my immediate family.
Then it was found out why I struggle so in school and why I am sick all the time...I have an incurble physical illness that affects my brain function as well. Over the last 8 months I have been either bedridden, wheelchair-bound, or sometimes just confined to my basement, I have discovere what my true desires and passions in life were....to be a mom, wife, and keeper of the home.
My parents talk to me about "getting caught up" and "still being able to make it" and although I strongly dislike disappointing them, I keep telling them..."God has placed so many other passions on my heart and it seems like I would be throwing those away." I know if I don't go it will also be disappointing my grandfather...that's what he gave the money for.
BUt I have been learning so much! I have been sewing, crocheting, praying about my future family (Lord willing) and learning from godly ladies how they run the home.
So I just wanted to say thank you, Crystal, and also for whoever posted that...you're not alone!!
Sometimes I get tired of the fact that if you do not have a degree in it, it does not count. I took an ambulance training class, but to many people I have even heard them say "Well, you didn't take it at a college!" I get made fun of by some of my cousins for reading constantly, but you know I learn all the time. I am not pregnant, but still read pregnancy books, childbirth books and breastfeeding to be able to know alot about it to encourage others. I am thinking of taking a 3 day Doula training class also. I read all sorts of books and carry on conversations about most of the stuff they learn in college or more than some college attendees because of what I read, yet what I hear is it doesn't count. I know people who have degrees where they refuse to read anything to enrich themselves, they would rather watch TV. Anyhow, so what I say about disapproval, is make sure you are happy with where you are. If they give you a hard time about something, learn about subjects that show them off hand that your brain is still alive and well, not in a bad way, but be able to converse about subjects above and beyond their expectations.
I have wanted to be a nurse for as long as I can remember. This is obviously a profession that requires higher education. I enrolled in a suppossed "Baptist" college to complete nursing school. I feel that my education in nursing classes was excellent (the school does have a good reputation in the community). However, the general classes that I was required to take were very "worldly". I barely got through the religion course that was required to graduate, as it went so against every thing I believe. It would be nice, if nurses training could be more "on the job" like it used to be, rather than having to spend so much time in "gen-ed" classes. (Maybe that would help ease the nursing shortage!) Perhaps some of your readers who dont feel led to go to college but are still single would consider being a part-time nurses aide. They would learn many healthcare skills that could be put to use in their homes or outside service opportunities.
My heart goes out to the young lady who shared these thoughts. Although, I did make the choice to attend college, I know that there is a great amount of pressure on young women to attend college even if they don't feel called to.
What Crystal had to share was excellent in knowing how to respond to this sort of questioning. I think most people just want to see that you are not wasting your life or being lazy once you complete mandatory highschool education.
Since I have attended college and now work as a professional, I can look back and see that college was not all its made out to be. There are so many things you can learn and grow through without ever setting foot on a college campus.
I use to be one who felt strongly that all young women, barring physical disability or mental incompetencies, should attend college for a season. I didn't recognize that there is much more to life than having a college degree or pursuing higher education. I think I had college education set way up on a pedestal where it did not belong. Thankfully, God is good to bring me through errors in my thinking and lead me on the path He has set for me. While I don't regret obtaining a college degree I would have maybe done some things differently if I had the option. College has its place in society but it is not for everyone.
My highschool-aged sister does not have any desire whatsoever to attend college and my parents do not feel God is leading her down that path. One thing I want to do after she graduates is be very supportive and affirming of her pursuits outside of a college education. I am sure some people will ask me what I think about her not attending college and I hope to share some things that will make them think that there is much more out there to experience and learn than in a formal college setting. I will defend her and stand up for the path God has directed her in.
In many ways she puts me to shame with the skills she has attained at a young age while still in highschool. She is fully capable of doing so many things that I have no clue about or no competency to learn. Even though we are so different from each other I just rejoice in how God made us so different for a specific purpose in our lives. I don't fully realize what that is but I know God has the greater picture in mind. Likewise the path I am on would never fit for her. I can't imagine her working full-time as a nurse taking care of people with all sorts of complicated conditions. God has not called her to that though so she has no reason to be upset that she can't do the things I am doing.
I am encouraged to first of all seek God's direction for my life and be open to whatever He is calling me to do. I don't assume my life will end up a certain way that I planned for but I surrender all my hopes and dreams to Him. He will not disappoint me and remains faithful to the end.
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