More to life than materialism
Why My Future Wife Will Stay Home (even before we have kids)
by S. L.
I've gotten more than one incredulous look when I tell people that my fiancee (hereafter referred to as "M") will stay home when we get married. Below is a rather unstructured rant about why we believe it will be best for our marriage if she stays home.
-Errands, of which there are many categories. For one, groceries. I'm sure all of you working people LOVE to run errands after you get off a long hard day of work. Right? Wrong. Wouldn't it be much nicer to be able to go right home?
-Car maintenance. To me, it's a big hassle to have to take time off in the middle of the day to go get the car when it's done being fixed.
-Cooking. We both value our health and wish to put as good food as possible in our bodies. Sure, all the working moms say that they do this anyways. But to us, we look at the label before we buy. Making healthy and delicious food can be difficult, and so it takes extra time and effort.
-Cleaning. This might not be such a big issue to people who don't mind filth. But I like a clean household. If both of us have to come home from work and have to clean, don't you think we'd get really tired? Please don't try to tell me that it's not tiring, because for me, it is.
-Finances. When both people are working, it is difficult to keep on top of budgets and bill balances and stuff. If one person is in charge of keeping track of these things, it would be much easier to make sure bills get paid on time.
I do not think that both of us coming home to a dirty house, with no food, after doing lots of errands, would be good for a budding marriage. I believe that having my wife devoted to taking care of the house will be extremely helpful to our marriage.
Another big point relates to money. Inside, both of us would love to be rich. If M got a job in her field (polymer engineering), I'm sure that we COULD be rich. Trust me, I would love to have a lot of nice things, like a really awesome sound system, a huge widescreen TV that we can hang on the wall, really nice furniture, etc. it goes on and on. Materialism runs wild in
With some couples, both work, but they say that once kids come along, the woman will stay home. Can anyone attest to the fact that it is difficult to go from "TWO people with TWO INCOMES" to "THREE people with ONE income." That sounds difficult to me.
I want M to be at home with the kids. One reason why I chose M to be my wife is because I know that she will be a great mother to our children. And for that reason I want her to raise our children. I do NOT want someone else raising our kids. I do NOT want my kids to be raised in a filthy daycare. I do NOT want my kids raised by a nanny. How do I know what sort of morals and standards these people have? How do I know that my children's minds aren't going to be corrupted by daycare people or whoever? I believe there are few things more important in this world than raising your own children to be strong in the Lord. The person I feel safest raising my children is my wife. That is what we're going to do, and I'm sorry if you don't feel happy for us. I'm sorry for you if you are a woman and are not raising your own children (exceptions had for single parents or other extenuating circumstances).
And another thing, if both of us are working when we have kids, the cost of childare is EXPENSIVE. I do not believe that the net gain of her work will be worth it. Tons more work and stress, less happy marriage, a little bit more wealth....or less stress for both of us, happier marriage, and not having to pay for childcare? I know my answer.
-S.L.
posted by Crystal Paine at 9:26 AM
27 Comments:
I agree with everything he said except the woman taking the car to be repaired. lol! I just finished doing this and I had to keep calling my husband to ask if this should be repaired or that and try to understand what the repair man is telling me. Car mechanics can really rip you off. If I didn't have my husband, I would've walked away paying double the amount necessary! I was so flustered and embarrassed and totally out of my element.
Bottom line for me: Car repairs, man's job. Also it is really hard to drop a car off when you have kids. Switching carseats around and everything.
Don't mean to be picky.
I also wanted to add that before we had kids I worked, but my money was for savings only. None of it went to bills. We did this intentionally so as not to get used to two incomes.
Don't worry, Zan, car repairs are my husband's job around here, too. :) I think my husband knows better than to send me to the repair shop. That could be potentially dangerous. I wouldn't have a clue about most anything so I could easily spend way too much money. :) Other ladies I know take their cars in for their husbands all the time and seem to do a great job of it. They have my admiration!
Wow I'm famous! (This is S. L.) Admittedly, I know next-to-nothing about cars myself (how unmanly)...but maybe the fact that I am a man will make it less likely that a shop will try to rip me off?
Hopefully M will be one of those car savvy types that Crystal mentioned, cuz I had to spend 1.5 hours away from work on Monday to deal with car stuff.
One of my favorite verses is Proverbs 30:7-9. Basically asking God to give him no more, no less than he needs. Hopefully we will have no more and no less than we need.
*Sigh* If only it were so easy in this day and age. I keep praying and hoping that someday, SOMEDAY, I'll be able to stay home. Let it be the Lord's will though, not my own.
And as for the car repairs, I recommend the Auto Mechanics for dummies or idiots (I forget which series published it...). You never know when the hubby might HAVE to have you take the car in ;) And sometimes even just reading your car's manual is very helpful :)
S.L. - Would you do me a favor and consider responding to the comment from Happy Feminist in the post below this post (she accidentally commented in the wrong place)? Thanks!
Andrea: Don't feel badly. It's where your heart is and what you are working towards, hoping for. We can't all be in ideal situations but that doesn't have to keep us from at least working towards that as a future goal. :) Some of us have been on this journey a lot longer than others and therefore, we should be farther along. Many people didn't really know any better when they made the choices they made and now they are having to work to free themselves from the consequences (debt, etc.) It doesn't always happen overnight! Hang in there.
Dear Mrs. Happy Feminist,
I am of the belief that men and women do not have the same roles, according to God. M was created to be my helper, not a man-copy (goodness no, she'd be a HORRIBLE man, and to her that's a compliment) or a roommate who goes off on her own quests to rid the world of Suffering and Evilness (TM). Lucky for me, she does not have such WORLDWIDE aspirations; lucky for me that her aspirations are for the well-being and health of her future family. This, I believe, happens to line up quite well with her Biblical role.
As I mentioned non-verbatim in my original post, the post itself was rather unstructured and quite like a stream of consciousness. To someone who doesn't agree with me, it would seem like I am being materialistic in a different way. My prime concern is NOT with just having a good dinner on the table or more free time at night. What I'm saying is that these things could only help with my prime concern, which is having a wonderful, healthy, and God-fearing family. You will just have to take my word on that, as I can state it no more clearly than that.
Awesome attitude! SL, you're absolutely right about the strain that the "little things"--food, errands, etc.--can put on a young marriage when you're both working. I'm pregnant with our first child right now and am about to stay at home, and I can't wait. I am thankful that during the time I did have to work outside the home, the Lord provided jobs for me that were not taxing so that I was able to do the errands and cooking as well--but I'm looking forward to being able to do those things while Ryan is at work so that we can just relax and spend time together when he's home in the evening.
Crystal,
I just wanted to leave another note saying that it's so nice to see this whole blogging community of women who like being women, as opposed to women who want to be men. *cough cough feminists cough cough* Or women who want men to be subservient to them. *cough cough*
Sorry. I must be coming down with bronchitis or tuberculosis, with all this coughing.
I don't know if it's just me, but there seems to be this misconception that SAHM have perectly clean homes. It's harder for me to keep my home clean than it is for my sister-in-law who works and whose children go to school all day. The ladies in my homeschool group often lament the fact that our houses are not as clean as we'd like because our job is our children's education first and house second. Living in a house all day means the house gets messier than if the family is off to school and work all day.
My husband is very handy when it comes to doing his own car repairs. I hope to have this passed on to my boys. I always feel so uncomfortable in car repair garages because there are a bunch of men there (nice guys), but I am totally out of my element. I feel like such a blonde!
My husband would've brought my car only he can't drive stick. I actually want to trade in my car for a nice mini-van. I know we only have two kids, but his little Nissan is so crowded. I have a Subaru Forrester. I got it when I was single in the hopes that I would have plenty of space for a few kids. Yes, I bought a car with marriage and family on the brain. Unfortunately, I figured that all men can drive standard, nope. My husband refuses to learn, too. Oh, well. Atleast the trade in value of my vehicle is high.
Junkmale, my husband also does the grocery shopping and the bills. You make me feel ashamed! lol! Grocery shopping is hard with two babies and he actually enjoys it. The bills, well, if you saw my checkbook you would understand. ; )
Congratulations on your engagement and take care of that cough.
I used to be of the feminist mentality of that a woman should kick butt and be the boss no matter what.
Then I met my husband. And I realized something....Men don't really care for feminists for the most part. I certainly did not change my mindset for him...it was totally the Lord opening my eyes to wrong thinking.
While I now still champion the right for a woman to choose what she wants to do, provided she's not married, I've come to embrace being a woman more and more in the last five years.
What is so so wrong with being pretty, smart, a keeper at home, a mother, a teacher, a chef, a scientist, a horticulturalist, a farmer, a nurse, a seamstress, and most importantly, a wife? Those are all roles we fill every day, whether we have a family or just a husband! Yes, I believe women shouldn't be denied the right to education (working on the Masters' degree myself.), but a career should not ever define a woman (or a man, for that matter!). Ultimately, when we get to heaven, I'd rather have the Lord say "Well done, good and faithful servant" than take me to task over not raising my children to be god fearing, or neglecting my husband because I worked 50+ hours a week.
Yeah, our house isn't always spotless, and the laundry sometimes takes a while to get done, but at least I know where my heart is, even if I can't be there right now.
Great Post! It's very refreshing to hear the man's point-of-view on this subject. It sounds like "M" has got quite a catch :)
Amen!!!! Thank you so much S.L. for being so bold for the Lord and posting on such a delicate topic :) It is very encouraging to hear your thoughts on the matter. As a young lady with a conservative circle of friends, we often have conversations encompassing the topic of being a stay-at-home wife even before children come along. But I've never really heard the guys' point of view, so it was fun to read! I'm glad to know that guys feel the same way.
Personally for me, I would never WANT to work outside the home. Occasionallly I've gone to work with my brother when he needs an extra hand for the day, and I can hardly stand it. I do enjoy working with my brother and who doesn't like earning money; but it is awful being away from home all day. I come home in the evening and feel lost :) Like I've missed out on all the excitement on the home-front... even if it had just been boring day at home :) So I'm definitely planning to stay at home and I'm praying the Lord will send me a Godly man who shares that desire and will support me in that.
One last thought: guys LOVE to come home from a hard day of work and smell a delicious dinner cooking! My brothers have physically laborous jobs (compared to the office job my dad has.) and it is so fun to prepare dinner for them and see their appreciation when they come home. Most guys don't really even care what the meal is; as long as it's hot and hearty. They know I made it out of love for them, and it brings me joy to bless my brothers! To me, that is true satisfaction. Working at home to bless the men in our lives when they come home. The home is their haven to rest and recuperate, and a "sanctuary", if you will; so we s must do our job and make it such!
What a fabulous post SL!!!!!!! I'm about to be married in 73 days to a fabulous man who wants me to stay home too! His arguments aer almost verbatim to yours. And I am VERY willingly (excitedly, happily etc) giving up a good career with the federal gov't to be a stay-at-home wife!
I would like to take this time to apologize for assumptions I have made. Upon further thought, yes, the house would probably be messier if it's actually been lived in all day. But I'd REALLY prefer to have the kids and wife at home waiting for daddy to get home, rather than a spotless household whose occupants are at work and daycare/public schools all day.
See, I have not actually been married yet, so again, I apologize for assumptions that might've put anyone back. Who knows how exactly the division of chores will go? I do know that I will be handling dishes and trash though ;)
After I developed severe chronic pain I could no longer work outside the home. That was 3 years ago and I have so happy with my status. My husband recently told me that he knew I always wanted to be home and that he realizes that now.
Our teenage son recently commented that he didn't want his wife working outside of the hme when they have children. He added that he didn't want a nanny raising them.
Good Man, Junkmale! I am a firm believer that men should do the trash, too...and fix toilets. :D
Junkmale, it's not necessary to apologize. I was just pointing out the fact that a house will tend to get dirtier and need more care when people actually live in it! I have to shake my head at people who invest huges amounts of money into a home and furnishings and then leave it every day. We get our money's worth out of our home that's for sure. You and your fiance will figure out what's comfortable for you as for as errands and household standards go. The most important thing in any relationship is to make Christ the head. Both parties in a marriage should always be seeking God's will first. God never gives conflicting directions to a huband and wife striving to be in His will.
Hi S.L,
I hope you don’t mind if I leave a few comments.
I think you and M’s reasons for choosing to have a her stay home before having children ( I would agree that a woman should always stay home if she can after the first child arrives) are good and excellent reasons. However, you cannot prove from the bible that they ought to be binding on all Christian couples. Regarding things like cleaning, cooking, errands etc, each couple ought to be able to decide for themselves what their arrangement will be. I don’t see how you can prove from the bible that because a couple eats out or eats takeaway on weekdays they are somehow more worldly. Working does mean a couple has to put more effort into their marriage, but that is something that should be left to the prudence and discretion of the individual couple. The question we should ask ourselves is ‘Does God say it is a sin for a women without children to work?’ if the answer is no, than perhaps Christians on both sides of the argument should allow the other side their liberty.
all the best in your coming marriage though!
Oh, for Crystal and anyone else who might have noticed, I am the 'mm' who commented in the 'Don't marry career women' post. I just realized some might have thought i was a woman (because of the name of this blog...) and didn't want to risk being deceptive.
Mark,
No, I absolutely cannot prove that my ramblings are binding upon all Christian couples. Isn't it a great thing that we humans can't condemn each other? There is rarely ever a case of one-size-fits-all when it comes to human reasoning.
Right now we have an idea of the way we'd like for things to operate (with regards to cooking/cleaning/etc). But I am quite aware that life is tough and changes will happen. We're going to do our best to be versatile.
I was not trying to prove from the Bible that it's sin for people to eat out. We ourselves have budgeted some money every month towards eating out. There might be some times when it would be better for us to eat out. It's not a sin; but we'd definitely like to avoid too much of it, considering we could use the money more wisely if M cooked. If the budgeted money doesn't get used, then a few more "sinful" 100 Grand bars for us ;)
I don't think it's a sin for no-kids-yet Christian women to work. However, I have clearly stated the way that we ourselves will operate. I am fully aware that what works for us may not work for others. God happens to have given me (a young whippersnapper by many standards) a good, secure job where we can live on just my salary. I am extremely grateful for that.
Oops. Sorry for my late response to junkmale. I was a little confused by the thread because I was reading it quickly and I hadn't realized that I'd posted my comment in the wrong place.
Junkmale, I do not question your sincerity when you say that your values are not driven by materialistic concerns. Of course, it is also wrong to assume that two-career families are motivated simply by the prospect of wanting a larger bank account or a larger house (which, trust me, if you knew the decisions my husband and I have made over the years, including times when we have worked for local government or non-profit agencies, is far, far, far from the case.)
I am always amused by suggestions that a career woman like me is not a real woman or is somehow more like a man. In my adult life, I can assure you that no one has ever confused me with a man. I can also assure you most adamantly that I have never had any desire whatsoever to be a man. If I were offered the opportunity to switch bodies with a man, I would refuse (although I wouldn't turn down additional ability to lift heavy things, since that seems like it might come in handy).
And given the demonstrated predilections and talents for multitudes of women in such areas as practicing law, practicing medicine, and governing nations (to give just a few examples), it seems to me that such fields are indeed consonant with being a woman. As women, we define by our actions and behavior what womanhood is. By definition, everything I do is feminine because I am a woman! Thus, practicing law is every bit as feminine as it is masculine-- and practicing law is every bit as feminine as is housewifery.
A question...
I am a woman and when i go to see a doctor concerning specifically female complaints I want to see a female doctor. If women should give up careers and not pursue them when they get married what about the gap that there will be in professions such as medical doctors where women want specifically to see women, not men? At the moment there is no female doctor due at any of the local surgerys in our town and I find it very discomforting.
I could think of other cases where this principle applies, ie the woman who has been raped and wants to speak to a female police officer.
I think a women can be a good, and more importantly a godly, wife and mother and pursue a career. Why should women with intelligent and creative minds only use them to sort the household bills when they could use them to serve God by saving lives or fighting injustice or helping the needy?
I am keen to hear what you think on such matters.
many thanks
Hi, Anonymous:
I'm not S.L., but I did want to weigh in on your question. We've discussed this at length before here. I am also a woman who would very much prefer to have a woman doctor unless it was an emergency situation. I do believe that God could call a Christian woman to be a doctor specifically for the purpose of ministering to other Christian women. However, having a family in addition to being a doctor does not seem like it would allow the woman to be able to carry both weights well. For this reason, I see more of women Christian doctors being maybe older women whose children have grown and gone. Or maybe an older woman who is not married. Or, there are many alternatives to the traditional hospital model which also could be an option. For instance, I love the concept of midwives and am a strong supporter of home-birthing and midwifery.
I personally go to a free-standing Birth and Women's Center which is run by an all-female staff of one doctor, some nurses, and some nurse-midwives. Some of the women are older and do not have children many of the women are mothers but they only work 1-2 days a week or sometimes less and are allowed to bring their little children with them to work (if they have little children), I'd love to see more such clinics set up which are so family-centered.
I also know of young women who are not married who have become nurses - I think this could be a ministry God calls some young women to before marriage. And what a benefit she can be to not only her future family but also many others in the body of Christ through these skills.
I think it is very good for all young women to study on their own or maybe through a herbalist or nutritionist type correspondence course so that they can learn basic ways to care for their future families at home and know when it is needed to take them to the doctor or hospital, rather than rushing a mildly sick child off to a germ-infested doctor's office within the first few sneezes. :)
What I want to know is, if a couple decide that they want one of them to stay at home to run errands, do the housework etc, why does it have to be the woman? It made sense in Biblical times when women didn't have the option of a career, but now that it is recognised that men and women can do jobs (with a very small number of exceptions) equally well, shouldn't this be reappraised? I'm assuming that you're not following everything in the Bible to the letter, but allowing for some updating, for example I take it that you do wear clothes made of more than one kind of thread, eat pork etc? If in fact you do follow the Bible exactly then I suppose that answers my question- can't remember off hand where it says that about male and female roles but I take your word for it that it's in there.
I am quite happy for M and SL - it is always a blessing when God brings together two people in the sacrament of marriage. I was, however, a little bothered by the tone that SL took in his letter - and I mean this with all due respect. His letter seemed much more focused on the fulfillment of his own needs, rather than the needs of his wife - instead of saying that he was perfectly fine with M staying home (and that he would support her in this endeavor, in any way that she might need), so that she wouldn't be burdened by the responsibilities of managing both a career and their house, he said that he wanted her to stay home so that he could come back to a clean house and a good dinner at the end of the day - the focus was mainly his convenience, not hers. Husbands should love their wives even above their own needs and desires - and I confess I saw little of that in his letter - I felt that it was defensive, rather than confident or joyous. I also think that there is a way to share your own experiences without denigrating the way that other people have chosen to live their lives - or the way that God has led them to live their lives.
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