Biblical Womanhood: Input Needed: Dealing with a wayward friend

Monday, September 25, 2006

Input Needed: Dealing with a wayward friend

Let me preface this by saying that I know Biblical Womanhood isn't a "discussion board," but a few subjects have lately brought to mind something that I have been struggling with for a long while now.
In the 'Rosie' comments there has been talk of showing God's love to everyone, despite how difficult people can be to reach, and in the 'loneliness' comments, your readers are discussing the importance of deep friendships rooted in Christ.

My best friend, in short, used to be a woman of faith. This is no longer true for her and it's extremely difficult and painful for me. Her life choices have left me absolutely reeling and stunned to the point where our friendship is strained and often awkward - not because I myself have stopped trying, but because I think she is deeply ashamed of herself and has "withdrawn" as a result. We are growing apart, because we have become so different. My faith and resolve have only strengthened over the years (I pray that it will always be so; I am in no way saying I am superior to her.)

My very loving, supportive, and kind fiance feels badly for her (he has never known the happy, joyful girl I first became friends with eight years ago.) I have discussed this with him extensively; if he told me that he wanted me to "remove her" from our life, I would, but he never has. Instead, he has reminded me that "the Lord prunes and grafts," and suggested that I remain a good friend to her and be an example. But I can't help but feel that it's useless at this point. She has made her choices - she makes them every day. She has seen the way I try to live and while I am by NO means a perfect Christian, I am certainly living proof that if you wait on the Lord, He will help you.

Yes, her life has been very hard, but as terrible as this sounds, my sympathy is starting to run dry, because she has - for over two years - refused to do anything to help herself. She has shown no remorse for her actions and no concern for her salvation. She tells me that she is miserable every single day - it's unbearable and I can't even explain to you how it weighs on my heart. But she takes no responsibility for her unhappiness, and this is where I am so completely torn.

When I read things in Scripture such as Psalms 101:3-4 - I will set no wicked thing before mine eyes: I hate the work of them that turn aside; [it] shall not cleave to me - I wonder how I can continue on this way, tolerating her choices, fighting to "matter" in her life. I love her, Crystal, I really do, and I have desperately tried to be there for her in the hopes that she would turn back to the Lord. I know if she does, it will be His doing and not mine. But I no longer can tell where to draw the line.

I wonder if you have ever experienced anything like this or if you think it's something that would work for discussion on the site. -Name Witheld

I received the above email last week and asked permission to post it for input from those of you who have experienced something like this or have Godly counsel to share. What would you do in this situation if this were you? Or, have you been on the other side as the friend? Thoughts? Advice? Words of wisdom?

19 Comments:

Anonymous said...: I experienced the same thing with my best friend from high school. We were both Chrisitans and she decided after high school that she wanted to experience more of life than Christianity would allow. We remained best friends for a while and she NEVER tried to influence me to do anything wrong. However, after a while I began to feel convicted by some of the places we'd go and the fact that our lifestyles were now so vastly different.

I knew my friend had no desire to change and come back to Christ at the time so I prayerfully asked God to bring distance between us without there being any hurt feelings on either side. He did. It really hurt me to lose her as a best friend because to this day no one has measured up. However, I don't think my walk with Christ would have been as strong had we remained so close. I still consider her to be a very dear friend and to this day more than ten years later we still get together once in a while and exchange emails and we still love each other.

My friend knows that I don't judge her, I'm praying for her and that there will never be a close door between my heart and hers. Hopefully one day she'll return to Christ and I'll be the one leading the celebration. Until then our relationship will never be the way it was when we were both Christians for, "how can two walk together unless they agree?"

Hope this helped.
Miss B.; 2:52 PM
Jana said...: Well, I don't know if I have any wisdom, but I have some experiences to share. One experience isn't really mine. It's my mom's. My uncle divorced his first wife. However, our family had always felt FAR closer to the first wife than to the second one. She "fit" the family better, she had been a best friend to my mom and her sisters for over a decade, etc. After the divorce, life has always been difficult for my aunt, but she "hung in there" with the help and support and encouragement from my mom and her sisters. In the past 5 years or so, however, it's as though she's given up. She, too, is making horrible choices and is miserable and has nothing positive to say at any time. My mom eventually stopped initiating phoning her because it was as though my mom's calls only ADDED to my aunt's misery because she felt convicted - even though my mom didn't "preach" at her, my aunt KNEW she was doing wrong things and tried to hide them from my mom which proved difficult and painful. Anyway, it's been months since my aunt has talked to my mom, and honestly, my mom feels there's nothing more she can do but pray. It's impossible to help someone who doesn't want our help. And more importantly, my aunt knows, beyond a shadow of doubt, that if she chooses to seek help or counsel from my mom again, my mom is there for her WITHOUT JUDGEMENT and waiting with open arms.The other situation involves my sister-in-law. She has been "estranged" from the family for over two years. My children do not remember her. We (my husband and I) were not involved in any way in the big ordeal that led to this estrangement, but we have been deeply grieved by it. My husband's family are not Christians, but the wrong choices his sister were making were common sense WRONG. And dangerous. However, we never "preached" at her. After we realized that no one was making an effort to stay in contact with her, and no one knew her whereabouts or phone number or anything, I tried emailing her at work just to keep communication lines open. I just sent her emails periodically - maybe every couple of months. I didn't want to appear nosy and I didn't want it to look like I thought I was superior to anyone in the family, etc. I was just sincerely terrified for her well-being and I had to make sure she knew I was available if she needed me. So my emails were just quick updates of how we were doing, a generic "how are you guys doing?", etc. No specifics. Eventually, she DID call me to ask about an incident she felt was being gossiped about amongst the family. Fortunately, I hadn't heard anything about it, and I told her that my husband and I really try to stay out of other people's business and we never assume we know everything about a situation if we've only heard one side. She was really worked up and that was the end of the conversation. I continued emailing her, no response, for over a year. FINALLY, a month ago, she called my husband and said she wanted to get together with him. So they went out for a two-hour coffee and she told him everything and said she wanted to restore relationship with us. It came out of the blue.I share this last experience to encourage you that, even though it may seem hopeless, there is always power in prayer, and that you must never underestimate the power of prayer. Even if you never talk to your friend, if you pray for her, you are doing something, and you have NO IDEA what's going on "behind the scenes."I also have a friend who was my best friend for about two years. She confided in me and she was really "searching" spiritually. For several months, it seemed like she was growing by leaps and bounds. Then her marriage got really rocky and she started to slip away. I continued to initiate, but it got draining. She would only complain about her husband and I would give her advice and prayer, etc. She never took my advice and just got more and more self-centered even though she knew I was right. Eventually, I changed my mindset. I decided that I was no longer going to be able to reach her in a ministry sense because she was no longer receptive. However, I still want to be her friend. Now, we get together about once every month or two months, and our chats are very "surface." But, again, she knows I'm hear for her, through thick and thin. As a matter of fact, I think it was actually HEALTHY for her to NOT have me as her "garbage dump" anymore, because there really is no one else to listen to her complaining. So she ended up getting professional counselling, and now she's doing great. Her marriage still needs work, but she's dealing with it in a more mature way. I don't know if any of this will help, but I thought I'd share just in case.; 3:09 PM
Lady Why said...: We have sadly experienced this with an extended family member of my husband. It's not quite the same since it was a member of the family and not just a friend. My husband felt he had more of a responsibility to her than we would have felt to a friend in the same set of circumstances, but there are some similarities.

She has also turned away from the Lord and is living a reckless and evil life. We have tried to convince her of the error of her ways to no avail. Her heart is hard. This caused a bit of dissention among the extended family members because there are those that feel we should still welcome her 'in Christian love', so to speak, and bail her out financially and many other ways that continue to be necessary as she makes her bad choices. Unfortunately there are three children involved so that made it even more difficult for us.

To make a VERY long story short, we finally had to break fellowship with her. We employed Matthew 18 and did everything we felt the Bible commanded us to do to bring her into a right relationship with the Lord (realizing, of course, this is the work of the Lord and not ourselves... but, willing to be the means that He uses to exact His purposes in this situation.) We have confronted, pleaded, welcomed, helped, supported, and done everything we could do. She refused it all.

Eventually we came to the hard and painful conclusion that we must break fellowship with her with the understanding made to her that we love her and we are like the father waiting on the prodigal son (or daughter, in this case) to return. Should the Lord see fit to turn her heart, we would be the first to be thrilled and welcome her back into relationship with us.

As it is, we had to break free from her and her influence as we have our own children to consider as well as doing what we feel is biblically required in discipline for her. We are not loving her if we continue on in relationship with her 'ignoring the elephant in the living room' - as the saying goes.

So, I say all of that to say I would encourage you to choose your friends very wisely making sure that those you bring into your confidence are pointing you onward in your walk with the Lord and not in any way pulling you backward. There is a place for acquaintance relationships that do not hold to as high a standard and can exist for the purpose of being an example and witnessing to someone not as far as maybe you are in their walk. But, for those close intimate friends with whom you share your heart, choose wisely and choose well!; 3:30 PM
Lisa of Longbourn said...: My experience leaves me with one point of advice: whenever you talk to her in a confrontational manner, make sure you say FIRST that you love her and want what is best for her. Sometimes we have to be tough and honest, but if you do that before saying "I love you and I'm praying for you," they don't hear the latter part.
To God be all glory,
Lisa; 4:16 PM
Janel said...: It almost sounds like your friend might have a case of depression.

Apathy for sin and depression can be bedfellows. They feed each other. Although apathy to sin can cause depression, and therefore cleaning up sin can 'cure' depression... On occasion a person simply can't just "get their act together" to stop the sin without nutritional help. Sometimes a body imbalance can cause physical depression which spawns sin like still water breeds mosquitoes.

Since you didn't say exactly what she's going through, it wouldn't hurt to suggest she see a doctor and talk about depression. Not knowing more, I can't say.

People in the church often want to lay sin solely at the feet of a person making a choice. Sometimes it is just that. But sometimes a health problem promotes making the choice to sin much easier than it should be.

May God comfort you as you walk this road!; 5:49 PM
Diana said...: I was that friend. I turned away from God for other things in my life. My Christian friends stopped inviting me to events - I was excluded. I knew why but it still hurt.

Later when I turned back to God I was still shunned - that's what hurt even more. This was part of what made me turn away again - I was so angry with them and was completely unable to cope with this consuming feeling. I guess some of the things that I did after that were like a kind of revenge on these people.

I have recently recommitted my life to Christ. My path has not been easy by any means. I have already made some new friends at my new church. I still have contact with two of my old Christian friends - they were the only ones who didn't judge me for what I did back then. Without their support over the past few years my life would have been very grim.

I'm now in the situation where I have wayward friends of my own who are making similar choices to the ones that I made in the past. It is a struggle to continue loving these people sometimes but I just can't turn away from these people.

I'm not sure anyone can tell this person what she should do in relation to her wayward friend. However I hope my perspective has helped someone. I can still remember so clearly the pain & anguish & loneliness of feeling lost inside & then losing my friends as well.

Diana; 6:27 PM
Wanderingrose said...: I can so relate to this. I have lost my best friend of thirty years and while the pain of it is great, the pain she has caused her family is immeasurable.

I have no real advise but can tell what I am doing. (Keep in mind this had been going on for two years now, so I am far down the road in how I feel about it.)

1. I continue to love and pray for her.

2. If we are together socially, I will treat her kindly. (sort of goes without saying.)

3. I will not put my friendship out to be treated distanfully. (Matt 7:6 comes to mind.) I do not call her or get together with her anymore, because my overtures were rejected so many times.

When she intiates contact it is often that she just wants someone to listen to all the sordid things she now finds so libertating. She can look elsewhere. If she is looking for a favor I will help if I can but I try to remember that I am not a doormat.

I have learned so much from this, if it could happen to her it could happen to me. I must be vigelent regarding the choices I make. I am not the only one who has to live with the consequences of them.

Above all I miss her, she was awesome.; 6:56 PM
Sam(antha) said...: It's difficult to give any advice without knowing more information, but conselling might be useful, especially if there is depression, marriage break-up, or abuse at any point in your friends life.

BE CAREFUL who becomes the consellor. Some are very helpful, and some are useless, and some are actually detrimental. Credentials don't necessarily mean anything, Biblical perspective may be faked, and some pychs are abusive themselves.; 7:49 PM
jenny said...: My daughter, age 18, has had this experience also. She had some friends that she was very close to who have chosen to blatantly walk away from the Lord. She had to make the difficult choice not to do the things that they wanted to do. There are times when they will choose to do things with her, but they know that there are certain lines she will not cross, i.e. drinking, smoking. etc. and so they go and do those things without her. It hurts when they are socializing without her, but she knows that they are doing things that they shouldn't be doing. Her close friend who is a guy has even become homosexual.

We have gone through many times of trying to decide on whether or not she should dissassociate from them. In some of the cases it has not been a problem because they have made the choice just by her standing for holiness they have chosen not to be with her. In the case of the homosexual it has been more difficult because at the same time that he was rebelling he was involved in a car accident in which his younger brother was killed. He is still dealing with the fallout from that and my daughter is someone he will call when he freaks out when he is on the highway. Would I rather he call his homosexual friends or a Christian when he needs a friend? I would rather he call a Christian. He was in our church youth group and our church did nothing to reach out to him to answer his questions....now he is slapping God in the face.

I think that we need descernnment(and I spelled that wrong) Like any relationship there will be times when these relationships may need space. The Scripture does say, "What fellowship does light have with darkness?" But, I also think that unbelievers need to know that we will be there for them if they ever have a need and we will show them a love that genuinely cares without engaging in their lifestyle.; 11:07 PM
Anonymous said...: I've been thinking about this question alot. I pray I can put into clear words what I'm trying to say.
I too have had a friendship that was affected by sin and blameshifting. I have spent many years praying about what to do in the friendship. She was not only my friend but my spiritual mentor. I was pained over the love/hate feeling I had. I could't understand why I was feeling that way if she was my friend. I though I was to "love" her. I was confused to what that "love" looked like.
After our family moved, I began to get some clarity on the matter. Her whining, manipulitive ways began to show clearer to me. I saw that it was her sin that I hated! I still loved her but everything was rooted in her pride and selfishness.
When I went to God's word and paryed about what to do a few verses caught my attention.
Matt.18:15-20.This talks about the 3 steps in going to a fellow believer.I did not follow the steps marked out in scripture. It ended when I did step one. She broke fellowship with me for over a year. In that time her marrage had fallen apart. I don't know where she is spirtualy. If God wants the friendship to be restored then I'm open to that. (I do take heed to the statment of Diana) But not right now.
1Cor 5:5 has some strong words as well.
If she belongs to God she needs some purifing. He wants her to be whole. Sometimes this kind of love doesn't look like love but God knows what is best. I do praise God for his faithfullness. He is at work though I may never see the results this side of heaven. But I'm free. I'm free to love her and to pray for her in the way God would have me to pray. His will be done. Not for my comfort but for His glory!
Please consider studing Matt 18:15-20, and maybe even 1Cor 5 if it applies. And be encouraged by James 5:20.
I will be praying for you.

Lenni; 10:17 AM
MM said...: 1. Pray, pray, pray. Pray for your friend every day. Pray for her from the Scriptures. And as you pray for her, pray for YOURSELF in the same areas!

2. Continue to be her friend! She needs you more now than ever. Commit to sharing even more time and conversations with her than before... even be regular and systematic about it. Anticipate her needs for hospitality, for gifts, and service.

2. Recognize that while you remain committed to being her friend, realize that you must also lower your expectations about the kind of friend that she can be to you at this time. You may not be able to go to her for encouragement, support, or for sharing intimate confidences, and that's ok. Look for other outlets for sharing the parts of your life that she cannot share with you at this time; and do not become disappointed when she lets you down. She is struggling. Lower your expectations of her in every way, so that you can love her with greater freedom.

I will pray for you!; 11:05 AM
Anonymous said...: It is a difficult position you are in. Pray about it and follow the Lord's leading.

I am a Christian who, for a season, turned away from God. During this time, I attended church sporatically but there I felt that people were talking about me and I felt shunned. I made a decision during that time that will affect my life and future children perminently. I married a man who doesn't share my faith.
I have since turned back to the Lord, who, I am so thankful, is The God of Second Chances but I still have scars from that season in my life not only from my choices but because of the actions and words of other Christians - even family members.

God is a God of second chances and it is so important to remember that He is our Good Shepherd who continues to draw those who are straying back to him...

Pray for God's guidance, to be available for God to use you to reach her. Also pray for wisdom to know the words to say so that you don't do harm while trying to do good.
If you feel that God is leading you to distance yourself from this friend...Remember that no one is hopeless and continue to pray for her.

"Just Pray" it is easy advice to give and yet sometimes the hardest to follow. It is also our most powerful tool. I am still learning this.

My heart is with you!
Jenn; 1:58 PM
DollyMama said...: I have a similar situation in my family with my brother. Though he accepted Christ as a child, he has renounced this as an adult and does not live any sort of Christian life, although I would say he is still a great guy in most ways.

For me, I feel like he already knows what the Bible says about the way he lives, so he doesn't need me to remind him. Personally, I do not think it makes sense to alienate my brother. I would rather love and accept him (which is different than actively condoning) and keep the doors of communication open and not create any defensive walls between us. If he ever starts wanting to reconsider Christianity, I would like for him to feel like he could talk to me about it without getting preached at or hearing "I told you so."

Do take into account that I live a long way from him so am not faced with many situations where we have to witness anything that he does that is blatantly wrong or whatever. I am sure that if we were close by it might make a difference in how we would handle some things.; 3:48 PM
The Happy Feminist said...: Two things strike me about the question posed: (1) a possibly unmerited assumption that the best friend is ashamed of her conduct; and (2) the pity that Name Withheld and her fiance feel for the best friend. Both of these sentiments are probably obvious to the best friend and probably account for the best friend's withdrawal. Pity can be a very divisive sentiment because it puts the pitied in a "one-down" position. It can also seem at odds with reality if the pitied person does not believe she has any reason to be pitied.

So my advice would be to stop assuming she is ashamed and to try to conceal from her any feelings of pity you or others close to you may feel for her. The best thing is to continue to enjoy doing those things you both still may enjoy together, refrain from giving unsolicited advice, and when the time comes that she may want your counsel or your support in returning to her old ways, the groundwork will be there and she will know that you are there for her.; 3:26 AM
Crystal said...: HF: If this woman truly is a Christian and she has turned her back on God and her beliefs, she should feel deeply ashamed because she knows in her heart that what she is doing is wrong. Secondly, we should feel great pity for her because she is walking in sin and not according to the truth.; 9:19 AM
Kristen said...: I think there's some wonderful advice here.

Miss B. wrote, "I prayerfully asked God to bring distance between us without there being any hurt feelings on either side."

I think that can often be a wise move, and we forget to just ask the Lord to help us out. We forget that we are children with a Father who cares and may intervene for us. I think in any situation like this, it is really important to pray and try to see how the Lord is leading the situation. There are circumstances where He may want you to stick it out, and ones where He may want you to break it off. There's not one right answer to this one for every situation (IMO).

And I don't know if I can say it better than Lady Why! "There is a place for acquaintance relationships that do not hold to as high a standard and can exist for the purpose of being an example and witnessing to someone not as far as maybe you are in their walk. But, for those close intimate friends with whom you share your heart, choose wisely and choose well!" Amen!; 9:24 AM
MM said...: ... I have to add that I agree with HF... although Christians will, and certainly should. feel a degree of pity/concern for a friend who is going through a tough time, there is absolutely nothing worse than feeling patronized by a holier than thou attitude. I agree that that sort of thing should be actively avoided. Praying for yourself at the same time as you pray for your friend can help to avoid this-; 9:28 AM
Crystal said...: I agree, MM - Just to clarify, I was not saying to have a "holier than thou" attitude (which I know that this particular person does not!) but that, Christian charity towards unbelievers or those walking in sin behooves us to feel sorrow for these people. Not because we think we are in anyway better, but because it breaks our hearts to see them break God's heart. That's what I was trying to say - those who are unbelievers would not understand this.; 9:40 AM
Wanderingrose said...: I know without a dobt that my friend does not feel ashamed of what she is doing. She says it is her turn to enjoy life unfettered by the "rules" that previously were imporant to her.

While I do not feel pity for her, she is making her own choices, I feel a lot of sympathy for her family. I worry a bit for my friend, how will she feel, when, and if, she ever comes to her senses.

I know in my own life, the person I was sometimes really made a mess of things for the person I am now.; 5:43 PM

Monday, September 25, 2006

Input Needed: Dealing with a wayward friend

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