Overcoming loneliness
I wondered if I could ask you a personal question. I know that you made a move when Jesse went to school and were kind of out on your own. I'm really struggling with that right now. We moved almost 2 years ago and I just can't seem to get it together. I am a little lonely for like minded families. We go to a church that is a 30 minute drive, but it isn't close to what we would like. We haven't found anyone near us like minded as well, even with homeschooling groups we have visited with. My brain tells me that I should find my fulfillment in Christ, but I'm afraid I have allowed myself to become full of self pity some days. -Melissa
Hi, Melissa!
The last 3 years of my life have definitely been a learning and growing experience, to say the least. When Jesse and I moved to this town, we left behind a wonderful church fellowship, lifelong friends, and dear family. I felt as if I was cut off from everything familiar and plunged into a completely unfamiliar, unfriendly environment. For years, we'd had more fellowship opportunities than we knew what to do with and since I'd never moved before, I was naively very excited about the possibility of meeting new people and developing new friendships.
However, after a few months of meeting lots of new people but developing almost zero friendships, I began to feel extremely lonely. We tried to reach out, have people over, minister to others, etc. but it seemed that most people were just too busy. We were used to spur-of-the-moment types of fellowship ("Hey, do you all want to come over for icecream and games tonight?" or, "The thrift store is having a sale today, do you want to come with me?" etc.) with our friends back home and regular get-togethers just to fellowship. When we would ever suggest something of this sort to the few families we had gotten to know a little bit, we received lots of odd remarks or looks. It seemed no one got together for getting together's sake. Everyone was too busy with sports, commitments, etc. How we missed those times of fellowship, sharing, discussion, and just plain fun! However, we began to realize that lifelong friendships don't usually bloom over night.
The first year was extremely hard for us, me especially. Here we were, newly married, trying to make it through law school, barely squeaking by financially, and living with almost no support system at all. I remember many times seeing someone at the grocery store who looked friendly and just wanting to run up to them and say, "Hi, can I be your friend?" But, inspite of the difficulties, we learned so many wonderful lessons and grew so close to each other during that time. If we had had a huge group of friends, we wouldn't have been forced to rely so much upon the Lord and each other. In addition, going through this made us much more sensitive to others' loneliness. I have such a heart to reach out to those who appear lonely that I never would have developed had I not experienced acute loneliness myself. The Lord also used this time to open my eyes to how special good friends are. I think that up to this point, I'd always taken them for granted. I've never done so since. Anytime we are privileged to spend time with dear friends, I come away so thankful for the opportunity.
We still do not have scores of friends here, but as time has gone on, things have gotten much easier. In fact, even though for the past two years many weeks have gone by with very little times of fellowship outside of church on Sunday, I rarely feel lonely anymore.
One thing that helped me to get over my loneliness in the first place was to stop feeling sorry for myself. I stopped trying to create "something out of nothing," and started just enjoying my family. Instead of feeling sad when I wished we could have an evening of fellowship with other families and we had no one to invite, we'd have an evening of fun and fellowship as a family. I also realized that friends could never bring the fulfillment that only Christ could. Thirdly, I sought to make the most of every opportunity for fellowship. If someone needed help or if there was anything I could find to volunteer for, I signed up.
I think the thing which has helped me the most is learning that "A man that hath friends must shew himself friendly." I realized that I had a selfish view of friendships. I want friends so that I could have fellowship, find encouragement, and so on. Although this is not bad, in and of itself, I realized that I had to stop looking at friendships as "What's in it for me?" and instead seek to reach out and help another person. As I started reaching out and giving, I found much blessing in return. As time has gone on, the Lord has brought friends into my life who I can fellowship with and be encouraged by. And God continues to bring more and more dear friends into my life. In fact, in the last month, I'm getting to the point of having to say "no" sometimes to fellowship opportunies!
Hang in there, Melissa! God has a special plan and purpose for where He has you right now. Enjoy today and make the most of it. Pray for opportunities to minister to others, pray that the Lord would fill you up with His fullness, and be excited about what God has in store for you!
I'd love to hear from others who have gone through lonely times in their life. What has helped you overcome loneliness? Any thoughts or encouragement for Melissa?
posted by Crystal Paine at 3:24 PM
23 Comments:
DH and I moved 4 years ago from a close-knit community in MI with family all around to the east coast where we didn't know anyone. We prayed very hard that we would find a Reformed church which we did. But like you, it is 25 minutes from our home. I am so very, very thankful for the friends I've made there. Often the only time I have for other female fellowship is on Sunday so I "soak" it up to last the week. =) I can't really add more to what Crystal has said but just wanted to let you know that you aren't alone and there are other mamas who've BTDT.
Erin =)
I am a senior lady, and I am sitting here thinking of how I would encourage Melissa. I was a young mom when we moved to a new city. I sat on the bed crying daily. To fill the hole, I made friends where ever I could. But without being discriminating. My advice is to go slowly, seek God first, and be wise in how much time, energy, or emotion you are putting into your new friendships. The right friendships won't feel like "work", or interfere with your family. It is better to wait than to disentangle later. God needs to be in it.
Absolutely, Anonymous. I think that was the hardest thing for me about making friends - I didn't want shallow friendships. I wanted friends who would really push me closer to Christ and challenge me to live a life that was glorifying to the Lord and honoring His priorities for me. Finding those kinds of friends can be hard! I had no idea how hard until we moved. I'm grateful that the Lord is opening up doors for those kinds of friendships now. God is so faithful!
There's so much more I could say on this that I didn't have room to write in the post or otherwise it would have turned into a book. Please feel free to share and add to it in the comments section!
hey....what about me??? sniff sniff....:-)
Just kidding on the before little post....but, I can serioiusly relate to those of us who have taken the "only the lonely path" down life.
I would really like to share some thoughts on my experience in this area....but the baby is about ready to explode and Samuel is dancing around for macaroni and cheese!!!! I'll post later when I have my head sort of cleared out and the babies tucked in bed. :-)
Cheryl :) You didn't "find" me until the second year and then you had to move away. :( I'm so thankful to have gotten to know you. I only wish you didn't live so "far away" now. Especially as I keep meeting these neat people here and as God keeps opening up more doors. I keep thinking, "Oh, Cheryl would really enjoy this." "Or, I wish I could invite Cheryl to come with me." Oh well.
Who knows? Maybe you'll just move back sometime! :)
I also moved right after getting married (literally, on our honeymoon we packed up a UHaul and drove from the East Coast to the Midwest). I have a slightly different background in that I grew up with my dad in the military moving every few years (this is my 19th address in 27 years!), but we always lived in military communities where people are used to making friends fast because EVERYONE needs friends. Moving here was really hard for me, because I was without my family for the first time, and because around here, most people have known their friends all their lives. It's hard to break in on that and catch up on a lifetime of inside jokes and history.
I would echo what Crystal said: for me it's helpful to not allow myself to feel sorry for myself. I also continue to pray for godly Christian women to be friends with. God has slowly been answering those prayers in interesting ways. And also like Crystal said, moving to a new place first thing in a marriage is a good way to cement your bond with your husband!
Hang in there, I hope God will bring you friendships soon and in the meantime that He will bless you with peace.
I needed to read this today! We just moved to OH in mid August and so far I have no friends or contact with the outside world. It has been hard, but I think it will get worse before it gets better. We have only been here 1 month and it is nice not to have commitments or have people calling to chat. I have more time for my family. But I know soon I will need some adult relationships other than with my husband. Praying that God will bring the right people into my life is a start that I need to do today. Thanks!
Jennifer
Oh, I am so there right now! We moved away from all our family and friends last year and it has been really hard. My advice is just to be outgoing, even if you are not normally. Initiate conversations with people at your church, at the grocery store, at the library. You really have nothing to lose since you may never see them again anyway!
Remember that deep friendships don't happen overnight, like Crystal said. When we first moved, some people from the first church we visited befriended us and we really ended up going to that church because we felt like we sort of had friends (which in hindsight is never a good reason to go to a particular church, but anyway). We jumped right into their small group and had some good times, but after awhile we realized those people were on a totally different page than we were and that we really were not friends with them; it was more that we just wanted other PEOPLE to be with! :) We started going to a different church and don't see those other people much, and really don't miss it because we weren't really "friends". I hope that makes sense, it was very rambling!
My other advice is to not wait for other people to make the first move. Except for the first couple we met (who moved away shortly after we met!), we have really never had anyone invite us over for dinner or dessert or anything. We had several couples from our old church over and I invited the ladies I knew to breakfast several times, and it was never reciprocated. We really enjoy entertaining, but I know that other people don't - either way, don't wait for an invitation to dinner at someone's house... ask THEM!
It is really hard for me to not have a pity party for myself! I feel like the people in our (new) church should be making an effort to get to know us, and no one really is. It sounds so selfish, but it has helped me see what it's like to be a visitor! :)
I think I'm probably saying the same things other ladies said, but I haven't had time to read all the comments. :) If you happen to be near Austin, TX, I could be your friend! ;)
Great topic! My husband and I are now living back in my hometown, but after a five-year absence I had pretty much lost contact with many of my former friends. This is going to sound horrible: we've been here 1 1/2 years now and still struggle with not having really close friends living nearby (although we do our best to maintain our distance friendships)
I really relate to the people being busy thing. We've had many friendships fizzle out before they even really got started, because everybodys' busy-ness kept us from initiating those frequent, spontaneous interactions that really seem to foster friendships developing. I also have the sometimes-misfortune of being an introvert, which makes it more challenging for me to initiate social things.
All this to say...I'm glad I'm not the only one.
(BTW, I'd love it if other introvertish-people could share encouragement for how to overcome that when it comes to developing new friendships! I absolutely LOVE having good friends. I just don't do very well with that in-between stage, when you really have to WORK at being friends with people, because I'm never sure if they're really wanting a friendship to develop, or are just being nice. I'm often hanging myself up with the nervous feeling that I'll be imposing on people or something if I really try to pursue a relationship. Oh bother:oP Anybody else struggle with this?)
My situation is quite different, but I definately know what it's like to feel lonely. My core group of friends are the same friends that I've had since high school. I find now that our lifestyles are completely different as none of them having given their lives over to Christ(YET). It's basically the same situation with my husband and his friends.
We have learned that there is a huge difference between having real friendships, and having people to "hang-out" with. I encourage you to spend time praying about this. When you find the right friends who encourage your walk with Christ you will appreciate the blessing all the more. I'll be praying for you as well.
Erin, I know just what you mean about wondering if people really want to be friends or are just being nice! I feel the same way! I never had that issue before moving here, but for some reason now I am very timid. I wonder if I should call people because I might be interrupting their housework or schooling or time with their families; I have a hard time asking people to do things for the same reason. I don't want to be annoying to people, and I don't want to seem too needy since the ladies I would like to be friends with aren't in my position of needing friends.
The "valley visions" post was from me!
Joyce :-)
I was also a "law school widow", as the staff called us wives of law students. We lived in a tiny (650 sq. ft.) apartment in married student housing, because I stayed home with the children and didn't work, and many other wives did, so they and their husbands lived in better accomodations than us. There were mostly foreign students in our housing complex, and they weren't very friendly to americans, and many of their family members who weren't in school and were around the apartments during the day didn't even speak english! The first thing I figured out was where the public libraries were, then the parks and we found a nice church to attend. I actually made more friends at the library than any other place; and ran into many like-minded moms or young wives with hours to fill during those days. I also attended local (and free!) homeschool conferences and community meetings held by the university or public library about things I was interested in. We went to the public parks when the weather was good, and fed the ducks. While those years were stressful and tiring, and often blurry in my memory, I did meet some friends and acquaintances I will never forget during those years.
When I was a younger girl, I had some hard times being alone - or so I thought. I didn't have many friends, and being homeschooled it seemed I was "isolated" sometimes, at home. Looking back now, though, I am very thankful that God allowed me this time, even tho' it hurt. I see now how close and dear my family became - they were my best friends!
My encouragement for anyone who is feeling lonely would be - turn to your family. Develop your relationship with each member and make them your best friends. You will NEVER regret it! I got to the point where I felt happiest when I was doing something with my family, and hardly missed having "girlfriends". Also, God does hear and answer prayers for Christian friends!
Volunteer. Start with your church and make yourself known to the leadership as someone who is there to help, and you will probably find yourself lined up with events and opportunities to meet and work with others of similar interests almost immediately.
Also, branch out in the same spirit: use this time as a time for focussing in and clarifying that which you really love to do with any free time, and having identified that area, turn it into service in your community.
Finally, throw a party. Make a list of the people you do know already, however distant, and throw a simple tea or movie night and invite each friend to bring a friend.... happy networking! :)
When my husband and I got married 15 years ago we moved 12 hours away from our families right after our honeymoon. We didn't know anybody. It was hard, but I believe it was some of the best "glue" we had.
As for making friends, I would say choose carefully, BUT don't necessarily hold out for someone "like minded." It is tempting to think that we are better off if all of our friends think and do as we do. However, I have found that some of my best relationships are with people with vastly different lives, but who have sincere hearts towards God and enjoy a good conversation. Some of these relationships have helped me to reevaluate my own beliefs, sometimes strengthening them, sometimes changing them. This is good growth!
It is easy to lose perspective on things if we are constantly surrounded by people just like ourselves.
People really need other people to be in community with. God recognized this when He said that it was not good for Adam to be alone in the garden. Even though Adam had God, God knew this was not enough! Isn't that interesting? So often I read things that say "God was all I had and that was enough" but even God says we need other people. :) Be on the lookout and be open to friends that you might not be expecting. God often has funny ideas about who He sends our way. :)
I have been lurking in your website for so long, today I thought I would finally post a comment. Thank you for this post, I have read all the others comments as well, and really learned a lot. I am in exactly the same situation right now. I love my family enjoyed being with them but I am so missing the fellowship in our former church, my friends there and the whole area. We moved here about almost 6 months ago and until this time, we haven't found a church to stay with. Most of the time people just didn't even know we were there or if they do, the first thing they would ask is.. if we are in their Sunday School class yet. I don't have my own family here, no friends, didn't know anybody. I wanted to find a church who would really really TAKE us in not just HAVE us. It seems like even church people don't have time anymore to build relationships. Please have our family in your prayers. Thank you!
You know, not to hijack this thread, but some of these comments about how busy churchgoers are today has me thinking. How are churches investing their energy, and the energy of their people?
For instance, I have gone to nice churches in the past that had oodles of activities, classes, seminars, and programs, and people were heavily encouraged to attend anything that was going on. We were never able or willing to be at church 4 or more nights a week because we always had babies and toddlers that needed to go to bed, etc. We realized that although we could be near the church people, there was no way for us to really build relationships with those people. Unless we wanted to get burned out, we would be left out.
Now we go to a church that only has one Sunday morning service, and small groups (which may meet once a week, twice a month, or whatever that particular group decided on). We can now attend a church where we grow in the Lord PLUS have real, true, meaningful fellowship with people. I SO appreciate being a part of a church that realizes how important relationships are, even from the beginning of time when God said so. I hope more people can find churches where they can really be a part of the body, and not just attenders that are lonely and isolated.
I'm not sure what happened to my "valley visions" post but hope this version makes it through(worded much better)! :-)
A few years ago we ventured into one of many valley experiences(examples are: illness, job loss, passing of a loved one, family ties severed, relocation, etc.). Actually it was several experiences lumped together(my becoming primarily a shut-in because of health/medicine side-effects/back issues, my husband's job loss due to department then entire plant relocation to Mexico, his relocating with a new corporation 4-1/2 hours away and that geographical separation lasting over a year with brief visit times, my mother passing 1 week after new job began, and me left to manage the children, our home and parent's home sale in a economically depressed area and real estate buyer's market and dad relocating to live with us in an unknown home in a seller's market when we were all reunited). If it wasn't for God's grace and mercy, those things could have buried me in one major pity party...make that "us", especially when our family had been available to help others in the local fellowship of the Body of Christ(and our experiences felt as if others had become fair weather friends and family).
Anyone else sense that those "valley times" of change are God's orchestrated ways of conforming us(making us less "self/flesh" led and absorbed and quicker to stop, drop/humble, pray and yield to the mind of Christ to walk after the Spirit) to the image of His dear Son? Times of the heat being turned up on the crucible and the dross skimmed off by the Father with us being refined as silver and gold? And that they are times of one or more doors closing and one or more opening with opportunities to "know God" more and more rather than just know about Him and what His written Word says, to have more quiet reflection and communion time with study, to search online or in person to share God's goodness and minister to others, to bless(thank and praise) God in and for all things???
That experience was a long, a loooooooong 6 year and counting journey. We're all together. Health has improved somewhat but still where the mind is willing but the body doesn't necessarily comply well. We have not joined a local fellowship of believers(not interested in the former activity and group oriented, family-separated worship and clickish fellowship)...well, not in the formal sense. God has had us understand Paul's prison and John's exile to Patmos experiences from a slight different perspective. We can fulfill God's ministry as individuals and as a family; He has answered prayer by providing a Christian neighbor lady, a Christian supervisor at work, home education, utilizing the internet, etc. We are always being greater conformed concerning being content and having God work all things toward good and it all being well with the soul.
With hindsight(and with foresight in the heart), the valley visions are primarily top of the mountain ones in the true sense of abundant life in Christ! All God's children say "Amen"?
A poem(Disappointment, His Appointment) that I've enjoyed:
http://blessedquietness.com/journal/homemake/appoint.htm
With much love because of Jesus,
Joyce :-)
Hi Crystal, I am fairly new to blogging but have been lurking on your site for several weeks now :-) Your website is beautiful both visually and in spiritual encouragement for women. It is always a blessing to see others use their talents for the Lord. I wanted to give a note of encouragement to Melissa while she is still in the process of finding a few kindred spirits. When I look back over our 27 years of marriage, 3 moves (one across the country as new parents with a 6 week old daughter), involvement in 3 different churches, graduating 3 daughters from home directed education… I honestly believe the best way to develop lasting friendships is to find a viable “small group” to be involved with. For my husband and I, this has proved to be a home based weekly Bible Study group. We have been involved in groups we have organized and hosted as well as attending already established groups where it took a little more work to feel “connected”. I think you mentioned the key ingredient for developing those deep relationships we all crave…often it takes a lot of effort and laying aside the “What’s in it for me” or "They don't want me" type attitudes. I know from personal experience how difficult looking outward to serve others can be when we are feeling lonely and needy ourselves. That is when our prayer has to be for the Lord to go before us and prepare the way, to use His strength in our weakness and to be vulnerable with our struggles. We have never been able to achieve lasting friendships from briefly passing people in the halls at church on Sunday. It takes sharing life, week-by-week, open, honest, warts and all communication to connect on that deeper level we were created to experience. We can and do find fulfillment in our relationship with Christ, but remember Melissa, even Christ surrounded himself with apostles (friends) and people that he could interact with and walk the journey of life with. He is not asking you to do this alone! The Bible is full of “one another” verses for a reason. Melissa, if there is not an established group that you and your husband feel comfortable in attending…pray about the option of opening your home to one or two other couples to gather on a weekly basis for study, fellowship and sharing. Ask the Lord to direct you on who you should invite, be open about your loneliness, and DON’T GIVE UP!! It is worth the effort! Crystal, thank you for opening this topic for discussion…I didn’t mean to get so wordy…but this topic is one so close to my heart and has me evaluating the importance of friendships in my own life. I can tell I’ll be thinking on this issue further… J Blessings, Diane
After reading Diane's post, the thought came to mind about Precept Ministries Inductive Bible Study training sessions or classes, often held locally or not a far drive(our son traveled to Tennessee for youth study). When I wasn't physically able to travel, the ministry permitted me to take a paid training course with a friend through borrowed videos(not sure that option still exists as it was MANY years ago). The desire God planted in the hearts of my lord(husband) and me was to utilize the inductive study method not only for me to become a leader of this type Bible study but so the Bible would "really" be utilized in the grammar curriculum with home education(in addition to personal study). To take a training class or be involved in a ladies study group such as the Lord studies could provide new relationships and open a door to a local Body of Christ fellowship.
There is also a link on the Vision Forum website to family-integrated churches and families seeking fellowship with other believers. Maybe there would be an opening to your community here(or you could post a request)?
http://www.visionforumministries.org/projects/ncfic/
Be encouraged; doors closing that the enemy might desire for your disappointment are God's good appointment to new directions, sometimes not seemingly working out in our way and timing but always in His!
:-)
Thanks Crystal for posting my comment for me and helping me out with my "posting issues"! Still learning how to do this blogging thing :-) Blessings, Diane
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