"No vows for me, thanks"
Thanks to Aussie blog reader, Diana, for sending this fascinating and sad article on why "till death do us part" is going out of vogue.
From The Sydney Morning Herald:
Sometimes I wonder if marriage will not only become so redefined that it is almost unrecognizable, but if it will also become practically extinct.
Thoughts, anyone?
From The Sydney Morning Herald:
Quick question: How do you feel about the words "Till death do us part"? Afraid to say it? Disdain towards it? A quick straw poll finds those five little words are likely to instil fear in hearts and minds of never-marrieds everywhere. "How could you possibly promise something about a time that is decades away?" say some. "How do you know you'll still be in love all those years later?" quip others. "And why would you promise something you might not be able to fulfil?" Yep, those marriage vows we once happily latched on to are now in deep trouble. "For richer or poorer" has come to the end of its run, permanence has taken a back seat, and the phrase "till death do us part" has been re-jigged, amended and modified to read something akin to "till the love runs out" or more likely, "till better booty comes my way". As Brad Pitt recently told W Magazine when questioned about his marriage to Jennifer Aniston: "I see my [marriage] as a total success... that's five more years than I made it with anyone else."It seems in the last couple of years there's been a seismic shift in the sexual landscape with a new type of love story that doesn't involve a ring, a ceremony or "till death do us part". In fact according to the Australian Bureau of Statistics, the number of couples tying the knot is dwindling with figures showing the annual number of marriages per 1000 people was 5.3 in 2001, the lowest number on record.
Read the whole article here. (Note: I didn't have time to read through what looked like about 1001 comments there - reader discretion advised!)In this instant gratification, "it's-all-about-me," "if-it-feels-good-do-it" society, it is any wonder that long-term commitment is hard to find? And without long-term commitment, what's the point of marrying? Isn't "shacking up" a lot simpler?
Sometimes I wonder if marriage will not only become so redefined that it is almost unrecognizable, but if it will also become practically extinct.
Thoughts, anyone?
posted by Crystal Paine at 6:29 AM
18 Comments:
For me, when I ponder the marriage vows, I get a strange mix of excited anticipation, awe-filled fear, and God-rooted confidence. Being only seventeen and having never dated or courted, I have a ways to go before (Lord-willing) being joined in matrimony. The anticipation is because there is something very holy about making a binding vow before many witnesses, and also because the vow is one that I would gladly make with all my heart.
The fear is also partially due to the holiness but also to the idea that I might not be strong enough to fulfill the vow...that I would find myself attracted to someone else. Even though I know that I would not leave my marriage for someone else, I still fear that I would become attracted to someone else and it would destroy my marriage.
The confidence comes after I remember that God will provide the strength for me to fulfill my vow, if I keep my eyes on Him, and that if I were to break my vow it would have to be a conscious decision to do so. This conclusion once again brings excitement to my heart, as I think of how I am already keeping that vow in the way I strive for purity even now. I know God will not let me down, and oh, it is such a joy!
With my confidence in Christ, it is no small wonder to me that vows are going out of style. Without Christ as my strength I wouldn't want to say those words either, for fear I couldn't fulfill them.
ANother thought I have is that with the way people date these days, it's no wonder their marriages break up! They have already worn down the concept of purity to little more than an old-fashioned suggestion, and with the way they date so many people they are rarely content with the one they are married to, because they know of other men who did not have this or that annoying habit or whatnot.
Haha this is getting long so I'll stop...you did ask for thoughts...=D
Crystal, you might want to link to this similar FOXNews article for those that don't want to experience the comment section.
http://www.foxnews.com/printer_friendly_story/0,3566,163251,00.html
What do I think? When individuals disregard that the marriage covenant is an earthly portrayal of the irrevocable union between Christ and His bride AND society generally is approaching Jesus coming for His Church, there will be many folks doing their best to obliterate Truth and rationalize the lie they've embraced in their vain attempt to avoid the Bridegroom(and what He says and means concerning heart condition and overflow). The root problem is and has always been pr"I"de; God is still marking the division between the sheep from the goats: the old and young men and women glorify God by standing for His righteousness versus those glorify that glorify self and a myriad of thoughts and deeds right in their own eyes. The evidence is waxing becomingly and attractively adorning the gospel of Christ in action(with many a believer) and waning unbecomingly as a loud portrayal of consequences of being a child of the night(with many an unbeliever) around the world, so to speak. Unfortunately, many a child of the day walks and talks as if they are still children of the night(the ways of the world has crept into too many a marriage...and singleness and children being "raised up" in the training/nurture and admonition of the Lord or not.).
In church yesterday the Pastor was discussing how people are shaking up, even Christians and not even thinking about it. He said something to the effects of "you wouldn't go to a car dealership and tell the rep. that you want to try out the car for 6 months before you decide to buy it" so why is it like that with marriage? It sickens me. The whole "I don't need a piece of paper to signify I am married" is another thing that bothers me.
But, that's our society. When we tell them that having marital relations before marriage is wrong in the eyes of God, we are told we are being judgemental. Well, if we are, then so is the word of God, right? But seriously people know that they are doin' the wrong thing, they just don't care.
Another thing that makes me a little "ugh" is society and Hollywood with the white wedding dress. Now, it's just the norm for women to wear it. I mean, the white dress is supposed to signify virginity and purity, right? But now, it's all for show and the true meaning and significance is long gone.
Heartbreaking. Absolutely heartbreaking.
I hated "till death do us part..." but not because of the failure that might happen. I don't want to even think about one day without Aaron.
I mean, personally, there are times divorce is warranted: if he's physically threatening you (ie: I'm going to kill you), or cheating continually. Biblical grounds for divorce. Not, "we just don't have anything in common anymore." *sigh*
I'm glad I said my vows. I'm glad I said that I'd be faithful, that I'd freely accept children should God will us to have them, and I'm glad that I said till death do us part.
People just aren't willing to try anymore...Christians and non-Christians alike.
Yes, our culture seems to have an incredible fear of commitment. That's why, as Christians, our marriages and families are an important testimony. We need to be examples of the true and lasting joy that can be found only in the Lord. Sooner or later, people start to realize how unfulfilling the world's standards are. The way we love our families and the way our homes display Christ's love is extremely important. God set the nation of Israel up in a central location so that all the peoples around would see what it looks like to serve the One True God. Though a small nation, God used them to bless all future generations (see Genesis). And He displayed His glory to the nations around through His nation, Israel.
Ella
The traditional phrase "till death do us part" harkens to the Church's traditional belief that marriage is a sacrament- that is, a consummated marriage effects an ontological change in the person's very soul/being before God. The married person is henceforth always the person who is married to the spouse, and cannot ever return to his/her pre-married state. This is a fact about the person's being that CANNOT be changed.
A married person may undergo a civil divorce, but ontologically that person is still married to the spouse- that is why any other "marital" activity with another person constitutes adultery (Matthew 5, Matthew 19, Mark 10, Luke 16).
Hey Crystal, this is Marian from the email a few days ago. I agree with you about the state of marriage vows, and I think this is also a big reason why women are being encouraged to stay in the workforce, use daycare, etc.--because hey, you never know if your husband will be there in the morning when you wake up, so better keep your own income, own bank account, own name, etc. just in case! Staying home is now defined in mainstream society as "dependency" and "a risk."
I have never seen anyone actually vow to stay together "as long as love shall last," but I have heard of couples doing that. Recently I attended a wedding where the man vowed to do the dishes, help with the kids, and understand his wife's bad moods, and she would do something else (I forget), but I did not hear "As long as we both shall live" in any part of the vows. Maybe that's an example--I pledge my feminism, not my fidelity and love, etc.
Our society is in a sad state of affairs, and I still maintain that people like you are a beautiful witness to the values that should be, and an inspiration to me. Keep writing!
I find this very very true. My new neighbor (neigbor can be about 1/2 mile here because we live in the middle of nowhere with farms and fields around us separating us) is not married but has two kids and the father of the kids are living with them. To top this off, the man's father bought the place for them. I know the woman. I am about 6 years older than her and I have watched her grow up in my home church that I grew up in. Her father was an elder/deacon for a long time. So sad isn't it?? A man in leadership position in this young girl's growing up years sorely neglected his daughter. The two oldest girls are not married either and one is living with a man and has 2 children with each by a different man.
Puzzled by all this.
Holly
Yes, this is disturbing. I don't even consider the possibility of divorcing my husband. Sure we have our heated moments, but we both just don't even consider the divorce option. I guess if he cheated on me, that would be another story. My husband divorced his first wife because of repeated infidelity on her part.
I was thinking about this some more and the thought came to my mind: If you can't say "till death do us part" you shouldn't get married. If you are not willing to make that commitment or not willing to commit that to this particular person and you don't trust the person enough to make that commitment to them, you shouldn't be marrying them in the first place.
Making a vow of this sort is not something to be taken lightly - it is for the rest of your life. Young people would do well to realize this when contemplating marriage.
Thoughts on this, anyone?
Right after my husband and I were married, my father made certain to confirm that marriage was very binding in his eyes(at least financially as he proclaimed there would be no coming back to his house by me. Yes, he is still not a believer at 90+ years of age.). We married with the view it is "till death do us part" and wanted God to guide our home. While we had Godly counsel prior(amazing to think back how God brought us together and rescued me from years of religion of works to be accepted), it fell a tad bit short of what the Lord has illuminated over the years including the richness of the Jewish wedding customs(ever read the booklet that some believers share at weddings written by Zola Levitt, A Christian Love Story?)
I've found the depth of inductive Bible study on the marriage covenant from Precept Austin to be a blessing. God has surely been gracious to hold the oneness of hubby and me in the grip of His grace and mercy when hubby and I consider the perspective that we were taught from parental example(his mother divorced and prevented contact with his birth father then remarried...my father had a shotgun wedding to wife one). Maybe someone else would find it to be in stark contrast to the ways of society when it comes to relationships these days.
http://www.preceptaustin.org/the_covenant_of_marriage.htm
But isn't it a good thing for people to really ponder what the words mean? I would rather have remained unmarried or just shacked up than to have entered into those vows with someone who didn't really mean it, or who just viewed these words as formulaic.
Absolutely, HF! See my comment above. Sadly, it doesn't appear like most people do really take to heart their wedding vows. If they did, there would sure be a lot less divorce.
Crystal -
Even in 'Christian' circles this is a rampant problem. I think a large part of it is our dating culture and the loss of innocence and purity in so many of our young people.
I graduated from a Presbyterian (PCUSA) liberal arts college. We had fairly strict rules as far as colleges go - no drinking, no fornication, no violence/drugs, no coed sleepovers, etc. Of course these things did occur, but you did them at your own peril and if you were caught you were put in front of a disciplinary committee and could be thrown out.
Even with these rules though, most students were not 'pure'. They dated serially and participated in the less than holy displays of affection that accompany it. There were many broken hearts and tears in my all girls' dorm. Many girls felt alone and scared if they did not have a boyfriend or any prospects.
At graduation time every year, I noticed a particular trend. Wedding announcements were everywhere and engagement rings flashed on giddy hands. Joy of course is appropriate, but the joy that I heard discussed was more of an excitement and anticipation of the impending 'relations' and the intimacy that had been danced all around until now.
Certain weddings I was very happy to hear about. Others made me scratch my head and wonder if it was a wise thing to do for the persons in question. They seemed to be very immature and not ready for the wonderful but serious responsibility of marriage, children, family ........it seemed that they were more excited for the dress, the flowers, the cake, the favors, the honeymoon and the, how can I put this delicately, the physical side of things.
I am sad to say that most of the weddings I knew of/heard about/attended where I was concerned about the parties involved have ended in divorce now. Sure, they may have had their pretty day and their time of physical 'fun' but now they are paying the price. Divorce, scandal, shame, embarassment, sorrow, bitterness, loneliness....I'm sure that it couldn't have been worth it.
Christians need to do a better job of 1. teaching what marriage really is, what it involves, what it means for the parties involved and 2. teaching purity, chastity, holiness, love for neighbor, modesty, temperance.
If we can teach our young girls and boys to guard their hearts, protect their purity and WAIT for God's best then I think we will have made a good start in tackling this very sticky problem.
I get a real kick out of people who live together and have kids, but aren't married yet. If you ask why, they say "We're not ready yet." But you're ready to have a kid? Seems that affording the big wedding (which is inappropriate at that point, anyway) is more important than the marriage itself. Also, people seem to think that when that newness wears off, it's time to split up. It's only normal that marriage has its ups and downs, but to get divorced b/c of it, come on! I know I shouldn't judge (that's God's job), but this is a pet peeve of mine. Crystal, BTW, your site led me to the truth and that has saved my marriage. Thanks.
That's why you make a promise, because you're not sure you'll feel like it forever. You're committing to that choice and effort forever, 'til death. Not to mention Jesus' words, "What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder."
Thanks for the post, Crystal!
To God be all glory,
Lisa
I think anonymous make some great points with the importance of purity, but I think it goes deeper than that. Society has no regard for commitments now. I know many people who married in a hurry (nice way to put it) because of carnal reasons and they have had long marriages. Both my grandparents had very whirlwind courtships (both married against parent's wishes)and they stayed together 50+ yrs and had a stable home and children. When I hear of how they met and the hardships they had right off the bat, you scratch your brain to figure out how it worked out. They valued their commitment and worked out their problems. I also have no doubt that all parties were faithful to each other (no matter how many people try to convince me that they weren't because "everybody cheats"). I think the people were made out of tougher stuff back then. Too many wet rags today.
Zan -
I'd like to smack the first person who thought up "Everybody cheats." My thoughts are "no, they don't. And if they do, shame on them!"
I agree with your statements...many of our grandparents, due to economic influences, societal influences, etc spent mere weeks (in some cases) dating before they got hitched. And now people live together for years, have kids before marriage, and STILL can't figure it out. I think the main reason is that we are a selfish society. We are a society of wet rags, indeed.
My Nana and Granpa dated for only a few months; and even then, my grandfather had to go to my Great Nanu (granpa) and say "Dad, I wish to date your daughter with the intent to marry her." As Sicilian Americans, we still retain that tradition in our family...Aaron asked my father for his permission to date me, as we were planning on getting married. It seemed very strange to my mom, but that was the culture my dad was brought up in, and it is how things worked out! (And now Aaron and I are happily married for 5 months!) :)
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