To marry or not to marry, that is the question
There were a few questions in this thread from Friday which I thought I'd address in a separate post:I was wondering, Crystal, why you and Jesse didn't wait until he was finished with school. I, personally, think it is best to wait until the man is ready to support his wife. I know NOBODY (hardly) does this now. My parents didn't and neither did most of my friends. I just think that it would encourage girls to want to stay home, more. Studying and working is hard enough and than put taking care of wife and family on top of that is adding a lot of stress. Just wondered what your ideas were. I totally understand that circumstances change and a lot of husband and fathers have to go back to get another degree or change their career, but, ideally it would seem best for a man to wait until his job was established before marrying. I hope I didn't offend you. Just curious. -ZanFirst off, I think these are great questions and I appreciate you both for bringing them up. My husband and I had a fun discussion on Friday night about why we are glad we got married when we did.
Hey, I have the same question as Zan. Why did you marry before Jesse finished school? I don't see a problem with doing that, and I'm sure it really caused you to grow close as a couple when you went through tight times. But I have just been meaning to ask you for the last couple of weeks about that. Would you recommend that other couples-to-be do the same, or do you see wisdom in waiting? (hind-sight you know!) Eager to hear your response! -Anon.
I didn't pick the timeframe, but, looking back, I wouldn't change it one bit if I were given a choice. You see, I was the first child in my family to get married and I always assumed that my parents would require any potential suitor to have everything down pat - to own a home, have a good job, and be well-prepared to take care of me. I assumed that my dad, being the wise man that he is especially when it comes to financial matters, would never pass his girl on to someone who didn't have all his "ducks in a row."
Imagine my surprise whenever my parents sat me down at 19 and told me that Jesse was interested in courting me. I remember being utterly shocked - not only that he had asked but more surprising that my parents were completely in favor of it. I'm a fairly sensible person and I remember one of my first concerns was about money. My dad said that he had already thought everything through and prayed about it and he really felt it was God's timing. He felt I was ready to be married and that Jesse was ready to take on the responsility of being a husband and father. After that, I had complete peace that this was God's timing.
Jesse and I were engaged a little over a year later and married 5 1/2 months after that. He still had one semester of undergrad and three years of law school left. We both knew it wouldn't be easy, but we also had complete peace that this was God's direction for our lives.
Here are a few of the reasons we came up with Friday night in our discussion that we are thankful we got married before Jesse was done with his schooling:
1) We learned to trust the Lord together. All our lives, we'd been taught the need to trust the Lord and to rely upon Him, when we got married, we had no option but to live this. When we didn't know how we were going to pay a bill, or how the ends were going to meet that month, or what to do when our car broke down, we learned very quickly to have faith in God. And we saw God do great and mighty things on our behalf.
2) We learned to lean upon each other. Moving away from our family and friends and church and having to learn to balance the weight of school and living on a meager income forced us to not only rely upon the Lord, but also drew us so much closer together. We didn't have anyone else to turn to so it sure strenghtened our marriage!
3) I was able to be Jesse's help and support through school. I hesitate to write this, but Jesse assures me it is a very important point. He says he would have struggled through school so much without me. Not only would he have been lonely, but he wouldn't have had anyone to clean up after him, do his laundry, iron his shirts, make his lunches, make sure he was eating and sleeping, make sure he took a break from studying every now and then, and so on.
4) We saved money. I know, conventional wisdom says that being married has to cost you more money. In our case, that wasn't true. Yes, insurance cost a little more and we lived in nicer housing than Jesse would have if he had been single, but he would have spent all of that money saved on food, dry cleaning, and so forth. Because he had a family, it also greatly encouraged him to be very disciplined in how he spent money. These habits developed will be of enormous benefit the rest of our lives.
5) It matured us really quickly. Marriage and parenting grow you up, whether you want them to or not. It forces you out of independence and selfishness. By marrying when we did, we had a huge jumpstart in this regard so that now that Jesse has begun his career, I think we are both much wiser for it. I'm not saying that people who get married later are always selfish and immature, I'm just saying that I believe the longer you wait to get married and have children, the easier it is to slip into selfishness and independence. You become entrenched in your own habits and own way of doing things, your "own time", your "own space", and so on.
6) We both reveled in the joy of our daughter together. I think hands-down the greatest blessing of getting married when we did was having Kathrynne. She brought so much joy to our life (and continues to every minute of every day!). She was a huge asset to Jesse in school. He would come home stressed and overwhelmed and just ten minutes of playing with her would calm him. This was especially evident during finals. After Kathrynne was born, Jesse not only did much better grade-wise on finals, he also was much more relaxed. Another benefit was that having a wife and daughter gave Jesse a life outside of school. Instead of getting law school tunnel-vision like many, he was able to stay balanced and keep things in perspective and his priorities in place.
Those are just a few of the things we thought of off-hand. Another big factor would include the freedom from temptation that marrying younger can provide. If a couple is ready to get married (as in, they are ready, they have their parents' blessing, and the clear leading from the Lord), they should get married. When you know it is God's will, don't wait around. That's like playing with fire and thinking you won't get burned. Personally, I'm all for short courtships and engagements when you know it's God's time and God's will.
Saying all of this, though, I want to be clear that I don't always think it is wise for a couple to get married when the young man is not finished with school. Each couple and each situation is different. One thing which I think is extremely important is that a young man has clear direction for his life (instead of aimlessly drifting about) before he ever gets married. A young man has no business asking a wife to follow him when he has no clue where he is going. I also would strongly encourage anyone considering marriage before finishing college to purpose to stay out of debt, if at all possible. This has been another huge blessing to our marriage.
I think it is easy to "put God in a box" per se when it comes to courtship, engagement, and marriage. I know many a girl with a long list of qualities a young man must have in order "pass the muster" to even consider a romantic relationship with her. Personally, I like my parents' philosophy: "If he loves the Lord and loves you, that's what matters most to us." I also know many a family who think that the courtship and engagement process must go according to their presubscribed plan. I hate to break it to you, but God doesn't always work according to our presubscribed plans. He often has things planned for you which are much bigger, better, and greater than anything you can imagine. I know He has done so in my life!
I'd love to hear the thoughts and input from others. What did you do and, looking back, do you have any regrets?
posted by Crystal Paine at 12:15 PM
20 Comments:
You and Jesse portray such wisdom.
I responded at the end of that other post, but I'll just add my 2-cents here real quick as well. We married at the age of 21 while we were still both in college. I don't regret it at all, despite any financial troubles we've had. We've been able to go through those trials together, and that's what is important!
What we DO regret immensely is the school debt we incurred (much of it before we married). We would have no financial worries at all if it weren't for the tens of thousands of dollars we owe, and the many hundreds of dollars we must pay every month simply for the min. payments.
Crystal, you are so right in encouraging others not to take on that debt. You and Jesse were very wise to make that decision as teenagers. I wish Micah and I would have purposed the same thing...but what's done is done! As for marriage, we were in debt regardless of whether we married or not...so we decided to tackle that problem together rather than apart. The journey has not always been easy, but has been totally worth it!
I haven't commented here before, but I want to tell a bit of my own story. My husband and I met during our sophomore year in highschool; we were 15. At age 18 we started going together and within a few months were talking about marriage. As were enrolled in universities 5 hours apart from each other, we knew we would need to wait until after getting out BAs to be married. I could have transfered down to his university, but staying at sepearate schools allowed me to live at home with my parents for a few more years, and what a blessing those years were for me! Not to mention that staying at home allowed me to remain debt free.
We were engaged the summer before our senior year of college and married a month after graduation (this past July). My husband is now in an MA/PhD program at the university he did his undergrad work at. He has 7 years until he is done with his program, and for now I am working full time outside of the home.
God has blessed us so much in our relationship and in these early stages of our marriage. We could have been married earlier than we were, but we felt a clear calling to wait. However, we did NOT at any point in our relationship feel peace about waiting until DH has his MA/PhD.
It will be many years before we are at a point where we can consider buying a house or a new car, and I will likely be working outside of the home for a few years, but God's provision is incredible and we have been so blessed! I'm sure there will be challenging times for DH and me throughout his next 7 years of schooling, but I am excited about this journey we're on, and I'm so glad that I can be here to help and encourage him by giving a hug and kiss, making his dinner, cleaning, or simply giving him some extra space when he needs to focus on his studies.
I may be only 3 months into marriage, but these three months have been the most incredible in my life. God's timing is perfect, even if it may seem different from certain ideals we have set up for ourselves. Being together, a team and a God-ordained partnership is so incredible for such a stage in life with schooling and work as we are now in.
My apologies for this being so long. :-\
-SAR
I totally agree with the little blip you added about temptation. My husband is a full time college student at the U of I. While our situation is a bit different, he is being paid to go to college by the Navy and he already has 11 years of Navy career under his belt, we have seen how the younger college aged generation behaves. I could not imagine being single and tossed into such a worldly environment at such a young age with nobody at home to hold me accountable. Getting married before or during college brings a level of accountability into the picture that you just don't get while living alone, or even with a roommate. Having to look your love and commitment in the eye at the end of each day is a strong reminder of what and who you are working for.
Saying all that, I do agree that it is not wise for ALL couples to marry before or during college. I agree that praying for guidance is the only way to know what path to follow.
So how DID Jesse manage to get through law school without incurring debt?
What you said about putting God in a box is so true! It reminds me of when Scott and I were dating and living in different cities. (We had been dating one month when he got transferred, but he works for an airline so he flew back every two weeks.)Both of us had been counseled that we shouldn't marry until we had dated longer while living in the same city. But his job kept him there, and I didn't feel right about moving across the country to follow him without being married. His pastor advised him not to put limits on the relationship that God did not put there. It was good advice and a good reminder to seek wise counsel but above all else trust in God's plans, not in man's wisdom.
We married after knowing each other 6 months, me at 19 and he at 24 with our birthdays a little over a month away(one day apart...how fun is that?). With foresight and hindsight thoughts, if we had waited till all the ducks were financially lined in a row, we would never have married. Hubby did have a job and we were blessed with the gifting of "stuff"(including new appliances) but there is never security in anything other than trusting in GOD(Matthew 6).
We've had many times of testing(like when hubby was laid off from work and health insurance expired and our son required medical treatment...the testing cost over $2,000. And when the corporation he worked for, after being told at an evaluation that he'd have a job until retirement, set their sights on moving to Mexico...and he had to fly there several times to train others to do his department's work) when things were going fine by monetary standards only to have circumstances change where God closes windows and opens doors. Anyone remember Job and reversals?
What a blessing to read about what God has done in you, Crystal and Jesse(and even your parents being yielded)!
Dear Crystal,
Thank you for your beautiful testimony of how God shown himself faithful to you and Jesse. After a long grueling day, you and Kathrynn must have been the light of his life every evening. It is such a beautiful work that God does in us, to give us the desire to be a blessing to our husbands.
Trixie
You know, I have several friends who got married while both of them were still in college. That always seemed foolish to me -- two tuitions to pay for, they both have to work and go to school... it's a wonder they ever see each other. But I can completely understand the desire to do so.
A part of me wishes things had worked out for me like they did for you and Jesse. All the financial worries just seem easier somehow compared to being in a very serious, committed, headed-for-marriage relationship for many years without being able to be married. In our situation there were things outside of our control that made it impossible for us to be married any sooner than we are.
But like you said, these hard times really draw you closer to each other, and most importantly of all, closer to God.
I was really blessed by this Crystal! Thankyou for sharing.
I say,"Amen!" We were married just before my last semester of college and I never regretted it. If I could have changed it I would have just moved the wedding up even sooner. God's timing for everyone is different. I think that it may be ideal for a husband to be financially established before seeking a wife, but when God clearly hands you one... Long engagements must be pure misery. Being married to the one God gives you is wonderful. And I say this nine years and three kids later. :^)
HI Crystal,
We were praying about getting married, and God led us to Proverbs 24:27
Finish your outdoor work
and get your fields ready;
after that, build your house.
So we are waiting for the right timing. I am currently looking for work, and FJ is currently pursuing his Masters. I suppose the clearest difference is that you and Jesse have very strong biblical foundation, whereas FJ and I are relatively new believers and have a long way more to go.
We married when we were both 20. I took a full time job and DH continued on with his education. If we would have waited until everything in our lives were neat and tidy, it would have been 10 years! Its a long story but our favorite verse is Romans 8:28. Together we've endured a child's illness, severe financial difficulties, job loss, infertility and months apart due to job travel. The trials have cemented our relationship in ways that a peaceful life never could have.
Crystal,
I am so honored that my question gave you and your husband something to talk about Friday night. ; )
I enjoyed your response and completely understand your reasons for your decision. Your husband was obviously blessed by marrying before graduation. I am sure there are many mature newlywed college students out there. I do think that with marriage and family comes maturity, but maturity should be encouraged before marriage. I have a problem with young men and women "having fun," but than havng reality slap them in the face when their wife comes to them with a positive pregnancy test. Now they feel they should grow up. Agh! whatever happened with being prepared!
I have SO many friends, relatives and aquaintances who spend the first few years of marriage with added stresses of college. I think a big reason for putting off children and the wife working outside of the home are for the finacial reasons related to being unprepared for family life. When I say family I mean potential children. Now there is this movement for wives to stay home (one I highly support) and not use birth control (starting to support this one the more research I do about it). It doesn't sit well with me that a husband would want his wife to do all this before he has some kind of stable environment to put her in. This adds additional stress on her, as well as him. One of my friends lived with her parents for 4 yrs after they were married. She was very depressed because she was using birth control because he didn't want her to have children until they were "ready."
Another thing that I should mention is the high divorce rate. The biggest factor in divorce is the issue of money and not having enough.
I guess your whole view of family and children is related to when to marry or not. This goes into other issues.
As much as I see the inconsistency with getting married before being ready, I also understand and think that if you are deeply in love with someone you oughta get married. lol. My only regret is that my husband and I didn't get married sooner. We both wanted a big stupid wedding and had to wait for that. We also had to fix up our house so that it was livable (long story). Instead of waiting 6 mos for the wedding, I wish we had just had a quick ceremony with my pretty dress and the friends and relatives who could make it. Most of the wedding was for the pointless reception, where no one talked to me, they just ate our food. Ok, I'm getting side tracked (I just think of all the money I wasted to feed people who could've cared less and I coul've spent that money on furniture...Ok, snap out of it, Zan).
Love and attraction is a strong feeling and instead of living in agony, you should probably marry.
I guess my frustration is with guys. (Yes, when in doubt, blame men. : ))
Wake up guys! You are having fun playing professional student and enjoying your freedom. One day you are going to meet a girl and you are going to want to marry her. Get your act together today so that you will be able to make life easier for her tomorrow.
(BTW, I am not saying Jesse had this mentality. From what you have said about him and what I have read on his blog he seems to have been about 30 yrs old at birth.)
This world is not perfect and things are not always going to work out the way the you want them to. I think waiting on God and doing what He leads is a major factor in when to marry. My parents eloped at age 19 after only two months and are celebrating 29 yrs in a few months. They would be the first ones to say this wasn't the ideal way to start a family, but God had them go through all of their struggles for a reason.
My husband and I were not saved until after we were married (he was 19, I was 20). We had our first baby shortly thereafter, God saved us and then a year and a half later, we were off to Bible college with 3 children! We had 5 children by the time we graduated 4 years later and no debt! YAAH! The only addition I have to your list of positive reasons to marry and go through college together is that I was his personal prayer warrior. Two are stronger than one and last time I checked, God said women were help meets...lol...yes, even through college. I would think courtship through college would be WAY more distracting. I'm beginning to think most Christians just love rules.
My husband and I got married three weeks after graduating college. We had a simple church wedding. We then both started graduate school. It was tough but NO, I DON'T REGRET IT FOR ONE SECOND!!!!! (that was happy shouting!)
Why didn't we wait? Because we fell passionately in love and wanted to be husband and wife. It is a normal and natural thing to want to be married to your soul mate. Emotional reasons. Physical reasons. We just felt that the love was from the Lord and to wait was just so wrong.
Don't postpone JOY! The years fly by so quickly and there is often much sorrow in life. When you find joy, GRAB IT!
We've been married for 15 years with four children and all that schooling is behind us.
Alice
My husband and I got married three years ago when I was done with my undergraduate degree and he had one year of undergrad left. Then he did a one-year intensive MBA program. Until a few months ago, I worked full time while he did school and then I continued to work while he did some consulting work while looking for a full time job.
Looking back, we feel we made a foolish choice to marry when we did, or at least, the other choices involved were foolish. We should have either waited until he was done with his undergraduate degree or we should have chosen for me to stay home and for him to take on as much work as he could while still doing school and then just lived on that income (the cost of living was pretty low in Oklahoma...we could have done it, I think). Setting ourselves up to depend on my incoming and having me as the primary bread-earner caused a lot of fights about money! And many other problems in our marriage - it was hard for me to trust him to make financial decisions when *I* had earned the money, and it also made me feel very independent, taking care of myself, instead of working together with him as a team.
We also incurred a lot of student debt. God miraculously paid off my student loans through an unexpected inheritance my mom received, but we still have a lot of student debt for my husband's undergrad and graduate degrees.
We also racked up a lot of credit card debt when we moved to Rhode Island...I got a decent job when we moved here, but the cost of living was so high, and we also made some really dumb car-buying decisions that cost us thousands in repairs...
We plan to work with Wycliffe Bible Translators, but we have to pay off a lot of debt first. It's frustrating to be held back from missions by the repercussions of bad choices we made.
It was a hard decision for us to make for me to come home full time months before Katherine was born, because the two incomes would have helped a lot, but we really felt like it's what God wanted us to do. And it has been SUCH a good thing for our marriage! If only we had made that decision from the start - we would have made much wiser financial decisions all along if I had been home and Matthew had had the financial responsibility on his shoulders. I have seen so much growth and maturity in him in the few months I've been home full time, and I feel like I'm finally truly learning what it means to be his helper and to trust him (and God) to take care of me instead of relying on myself.
For us, marrying while in school was probably not the best idea, as Matthew really wasn't prepared to financially take on the responsibility of a family, and I wasn't mature enough to take on the role of helpmeet. Also, our bad financial decisions made it much worse than it could have been.
Well, since neither of us went to college, I cannot really comment on that, but I am not one of those people who think it is good to get married just because of temptation, etc. When we got married the mentality was "Don't worry about tommorrow, God will take care of it". My husband sold his car so he could pay off debts, but still had three tickets for driving without insurance and no drivers license. (His family did not encourage obeying the law) My dad called a lawyer friend and he only had to pay one ticket and so we paid it with out wedding money. We had no place to live- so lived in my dads office, no car, no job, and a little bit of money. We bought a bed and household stuff, but really had no place to put it.
We got married when we did because their family did not believe in long engagments (longer than 2-3 months) even though we did not even speak the same language! Does this sound like a recipe for disaster? Yes! But you know, God did work it out! We had a really hard first 8 years, but we have been married 10.5 now and things are doing well! So, I guess looking back I wish we would have waited as we could have not gone through some of those things we did, he could have grown up before we were married instead of after. So, my thought is it really depends on the situation!
I did not wait to get married after college just because it's what we thought we should do. In fact, it just occurred that way because I did not have my first relationship until after 2 1/2 years after I graduated college. I never dated before then.
Marriage was not on my mind as I was going through college. Like so many of us, I grew up thinking I should finish school and get my career up and going before I settled down to get married or have children. And..I did. I graduated and even started on my second degree in nursing, but that's when me and my then boyfriend, now husband, started to date. He had just finished school a year before and at the point we started to date, he had already made plans to move down to the Seattle area (we lived in Bellingham, about 2 hours away)to find a job. So, I thought, well, we'll just see. I had just started my nursing program and didn't plan to quit, not for a guy.
But God slowly opened my heart to the possibility that Matt could be my husband and that perhaps, moving away to be closer to him and to pursue a whole different path was what God meant for me. After much prayer and consoling with my parents, especially my father who was putting me through school and has always been my primary confidant in such matters, I made the brave decision to quit school, move away (I moved in with his sister), and left behind the possibility of ever going back and allow myself to be courted by Matt and prepare myself for marriage.
I don't regret going to college. I am so happy I did. I got to learn so much about myself and that's how I met my husband. But I also don't regret quitting my nursing program to pursue marriage.
If we had started dating during college, would we have waited until after we both graduated??? I don't know, it's hard to say. I can say that once we started to date and once I knew he was the "one", I couldn't wait to get married and start a family.
I do agree with Crystal, in that it really depends on the couple. It's okay if a man is still going through school as long as he's got a plan. Jesse knew he wanted to go to law school and had set an agenda. So many other men don't even know what they want to do after they graduate from college. My husband was very set on what he wanted to do after he graduated. In fact, while he was job hunting, he refused to take just any job offer because he knew God would lead him to the right one and He did. With faith, everything will fall into its rightful place.
I married right after high school. I wouldn't change it a bit.
My dad was very happy about me getting married. Had no problems with it.
I did go to college after marriage. I was able to get financial aid easily. I did have to pay for some things but dh made enough to help in that area as well as my parents.
We met through a friend. He asked me to marry him after 3 months of "dating". We were engaged after 1 year of engagement.
I am so glad we married when we did. Yes, I was young as well as he was. I do not regret it a bit. I believe that was God's plan for us.
Also marriage prevents temptation.
We fell into it before marriage much to our regret. So it would be better to be married than to fall into it.
Paul speaks this message in the New Testament about marrying to avoid temptation.
NO REGRETS on our part!! We are very glad we married when we did.
HOlly
Thank you for your prayerful, heart felt stories and support and advice, Jesse and Crystal. Just reading this brought a tear to my eyes, and I was not "a fly on the wall" watching all of the beautiful ( and I'm sure, sweaty hard work) moments throughout those years making up every thread of this touching recount of a husband and wife. It is yet another faith builder to me to read stories like yours. God surely is King, and he is SO good at what he does, isn't he?!! His plan for marriage is such a good plan. That reminds me of a song I love ( not to be mushy),the refrain is 'For He is GOOD, For He is GOOD, For he is GOOD to me...."
I hum this tiny (but huge) part of this song to myself everyday. Thanks for being a faith builder. I really appriciate you guys!!
PS~ This is not about this post, BUT, I just want to Thank You
(and Jesse , because I read he had something to do with this)for sending me the book Created To Be His Help Meet by Debbie and Michael Pearl. Thanks for being a sister to me like that, in the Lord. This book has been changing me like a lightening bolt to the heart!! I call it "Learning to be a help meet for dummies" ( LOL!) because she so clearly and non-sensically ( did I spell that right?) spells out What to do and How to do it, then Why to do it( and it's a Big why!!) , and no one has ever gotten through to me before like she has. Because I am focusing on changing myself now
(Thanks, Debbie!)I am changing, and because I am changing the whole atmosphere of my home is changing, and my husband is blossoming in response to me being a 100% ( not 50%!) good help meet to him. I prayerfully consider along with the Lord ways to bless my husband and I pray to grow to do this even more as the years go on. You see, you know this from my letter to you Crystal, but for anyone else reading this~ I used to feel so justified in not giving 100% because I felt like my husband wasn't giving 100%, so why should I. I have repented of that me-glorifying and not God-glorifying attitude now and it is all thanks to God, but God sure used you Crystal to send me that book and of course Debbie pearl to write it. Thank You. I now finally "get it" that God expects me to honor and submit to my husband even as he is- my husband is a sinner just like me- and to trust HIM with the changing part for both of us~ he has blessed THAT attitude for me, so abundantly I cannot even begin to describe. This post is too long already to get into all the specifics! But just know, there are MANY! God bless you and your sweet family. ~ Stacey Hoffman in PA
Post a Comment
<< Home