I can't do it myself
It's Thanksgiving time and I should really write the obligatory post on what I'm thankful for - isn't that what all good bloggers do? Only, in my current first-trimester state, I'm quite uninspired.
It's not that I'm not thankful. I really am. It's just that what I'm thankful for this year is maybe not your typical. Yes, I'm thankful for a roof over my head, clothes to wear, my precious daughter, my wonderful husband, my baby in utero... But what I'm really thankful for this year is that I can't do it myself.
I've had a post sloshing around in my fuzzy brain for a few weeks now, but it wasn't until I read Becky's post that I realized it was meant to be a Thanksgiving post.
For those of you who knew me before I got married, you knew a very confident, organized, get-things-done, "I'll take care of it" kind of person. My Day-Timer was my best friend and I thrived on overseeing, managing, and organizing. If you needed a job done, you could count on me to make it happen.
These organizational skills were quickly and easily implemented into my home management as a young bride. I was a FlyLady "freak," with my zones, routines, menu planning, and homekeeping down to a science.
And then, the inevitable happened. I got pregnant.
Those two pink lines changed my life forever. I was thrown into a world of unpredictability and chaos. For the first 22 weeks of my pregnancy, I had intense morning-noon-and-night sickness. Many days, I never made it beyond our bedroom door. My only exercise was running from the bed to the bathroom. The dishes piled up, the laundry piled up, and all I could do was lie there and moan.
However, I finally recovered enough to pull myself out of bed and try to get a handle back on things again. The house slowly got in better shape, the laundry pile dwindled, and I started to feel more on top of things again.
"I can do this," I thought to myself. Then Kathrynne was born.
Everyone talks about how hard the birth is supposed to be, no one seems to ever talk about how difficult the afterbirth is. The birth was a breeze to me but I was completely unprepared for the next three months of my life. The constant demands of a little baby, the endless feedings, the very short nights, the inability to plan anything because things would never go as planned.
It took me weeks to regain my strength but much longer to realize that this darling little daughter had been given to us not just so I could ooh and ahh over her, but so I could learn a lesson I desperately needed to learn: I can't do it myself.
This lesson was painful for self-reliant me to admit. For weeks, I thought things would get better. I'd get more organized, I'd start feeling better, we'd get on a better schedule, things would get back to normal.
It finally dawned on me: This is the new normal. Time will never be your own again, your house will always looked very lived in, some days you won't get a shower, your best plans might be completely overturned in a matter of minutes by a messy diaper or fussy baby. You are no longer in control and you can't do it on your own. You can either relinquish your self-reliance and start trusting in the Lord, or you can spend the rest of your life lamenting what once was and no longer is.
I finally gave in and gave up - on my own strength that is. And you know what? It was the best thing I ever did. When I at last learned that relying upon the Lord was much better than trying to struggle along in my mothering on my own, I found peace and contentment.
My second pregnancy has been so much better than my first. I'm only eight weeks into it, but I have so much more joy and quietness in my heart. My house might look tornadic right now, I might not have gotten a shower yet today, my daughter might have chocolate smeared on her face (Don't ask. We were out of regular milk so she had chocolate milk on her cereal this morning. Hey, it was from a local dairy, so shouldn't that make it okay?!), I might have a mountain of laundry and a sinkful of dirty dishes, I might be running really low on energy and feeling quite sick, and I need to get everything ready for our weekend Thanksgiving travels, but it's okay.
In my own strength, I'd be pulling my hair out, I'd be completely overwhelmed, and totally stressed, but I've learned that God's strength is so much better. By His grace, I can look beyond these temporal things and know He is in control, He is Sovereign, and He will give me everything I need to endure what He has called me to endure. His strength is made perfect in my weakness.
I can't do this, but "I can do all things through Christ." And I'm thankful my stubborn confident self has finally realized this.
posted by Crystal Paine at 11:18 AM
22 Comments:
I could have written this myself. One turning point was when my husband was helping me (again!) and I was frustrated because I always got frustrated when he had to help me with something that I considered "my job"--it made me feel weak and dependent. Finally Scott said, "Jeana, it's okay for you to need me. I need you to need me!" I'm glad you're learning this now--it took me four babies in five years to finally cry uncle.
I've already talked to Scott several times lately about how usually I have so much more Christmas preperation done by this time of the year. This year I am the the least prepared, and the most excited, about the holidays that I can ever remember being since we had kids. Usually I have so much done by now, and I'm still overwhelmed by it all. But I think the key is that I've let go of my perfect little ideas about how the holidays should go. I know everything that needs to get done will, and the rest will be okay. I'm trusting God more than I ever had that, whether it be time, money or things, if I need it He will provide it and if He doesn't provide it we'll be fine without it.
Thanks for this.. It was good to read, and it is good to think about that no matter what the situation is, Pregnancy or anything else.. that we can do all things through Christ. Thanks for writing about this. It shows the "real" person behind what perfect women we try to be. Behind that facade, we are all just human, and truly need the Lord for it all. :) Have a blessed Thanksgiving!
Thank you very much for this post, Crystal. I just gave birth to my first daughter three weeks ago and everything you have written in this post was exactly what I needed to hear/read right now.
I hope you and your family have a blessed Thanksgiving!
God bless you Crystal! Thanks again for this encouraging post, I can't do it all myself either. As a mom of 4 its alot and I thank God each day for getting me through each day. this is always comforting to know someone else feels the same way at times! Happy Thanksgiving!
Crystal, I loved reading this! I struggle so much with feeling overwhelmed by daily life with 3 kids under 4 yrs. I have finally come to admit I am a perfectionist. If I can't do something right, I don't want to do it at all. If it's only half-done, I get disgusted with myself. These past 4+ years of being pregnant and having little ones have been hard on me physically, and like you, I've had to realize I can't do it all. I can't be it all. But that doesn't make me a failure. My husband will tell me that I do everything he could ever ask for; and I don't believe him!! Can you believe I actually argue about this with him?? Funny, yet not. Anyway, I needed to read this, and realize it yet again. I need help. And HE has promised He would help me, and I need to remember that. I'm weak, but Christ is strong.
Have a blessed Thanksgiving, Crystal!!
Thank you for sharing Crystal! I can so relate to what you are saying and what you have learned so far!
I, too, was a typical, organized, everything in order and under control prior to having children. After 5 pregnancies, my own children and foster children in our home, I can say that I have definitely learned that I am not in control and never can be!
The last few years I have also learned that I don't even WANT to be in control! God is in control and my trying to "help" Him only causes me more stress and grief!
I now go to Him for my strength, my direction, my focus and to keep my perspective in the midst of everything!
I can tell you that as your kids get older, you will probably be able to regain some semblance of order, etc. that you once had, because they can help you with it! :) My kids are great helpers and do a lot of the household chores now. We are able to keep our house mostly "guest ready" all the time. It does get messy, but is easily cleaned up!
So, there is hope down the road and the more you trust the Lord for your strength and guidance the easier it is to say "Lord, you are in control and I don't want to be!"
I too could have written this myself!! Myself, my husband and my 16 mo. old have had a very nasty stomach flu for the last 2 days & it has NOT been fun.
Having to rely on my family & my in-laws is also very difficult b/c I feel like I'm putting them out, especially when they are trying to prepare for the holiday. But, life is about family & supporting each other so I'm trying to accept the fact that I have to relinquish some control too.
I cannot believe how difficult some people's pregancies are. I truly commend you. I was spoiled w/one 1/2 easy pregnancies, but had a very difficult recovery period like you.
Thank you for such an inspiring post, Crystal. I'll be praying for your continued strength in the weeks and months ahead. Happy Thanksgiving!
Good post, Crystal. I think I'm a lot like you, but the Lord graciously teaches us, doesn't He? His desire is for us to be more like His Son, vessels of honor to bring Him glory... so our self-reliance has to be pounded out of us sometimes (some of us more than others). But it is His goodness that does it, because He wants what is best for us. And it can be so freeing to live in reliance on Him!
Thanks for being so open about everything!!
This season will end and before you know you will be like me-2 teenagers.
Thanks for the great post Crystal! I love that the Lord has a way of teaching us deep truths in the everyday things of life. I also love the point you made about not having given much thought to the "after-birth" or postpartum period as we call it. In my work with pregnant mammas over the years, I have seen the benefits of planning for "after" the baby first hand...and I have also lived it first hand. Here are some practical ideas. Once you get over the nausea, try and double your meals sometimes and freeze the second one for after the baby comes (so they can reheat in the oven while you rest!). This works well with dishes like Lasagna, soup, sheperd's pie, pasta sauce etc. If you don't get over that nausea :(, ask someone you love to make and freeze meals for you. If you are a bread maker like me, make and freeze extra unbaked, dough loaves so you can pop them in the oven with no fuss. Ask for help. As jeana mentioned, don't be afraid to let your husband, family and friends lend you a hand. And, more importantly, don't be afraid to ask for help. Remember, even the Proverbs 31 woman had help! Remember the maidservants! Rest is crucial and you can actually get more done in the end if you make rest a priority. For example, the baby's sleeping, you are very tired, but the sink is full of dishes. Choose to rest first! Finally, have realistic expectations. I smiled at Crystal's post as it shows the real side of life with a baby. And, the Lord is the author of life with a baby. We can be so thankful for His help and wisdom along the way!
Julie-Anne
Thank you for this post. Now I don't feel so guilty for not being Mrs. Perfect!
Also, thank you for creating this site b/c if you didn't, my husband and I would still be unhappy instead of extremely happy.
Thank you for helping your readers learn to be a better Christians w/o being condescending or having a bad attitude towards us.
Thank you for helping me see the good in ALL of my patients. This has made me go from liking my nursing job to loving it. Although my goal now is to work two days a week ASAP!
Thank you for opening my mind up to a wonderful life I never would've realized had you not created this site and led me to being a biblical wife.
Happy Thanksgiving!
This is a great post...I know I can relate completly. I love the ending, I printed it to remind me.
Jasmine
What a blessing it was to read this. I would never have thought to actually count that as something to be thankful for...but reading your articulation of it (something that I went through as well) made me realize that it truly is something to be thankful for. So you know what, I'm thankful for my precious Lord allowing me to come to a point where I realized I can't do it myself.
And Crystal, I'm thankful for you too!
Blessings dear,
Amy B.
And isn't this the truth, Crystal. What used to be normal is now gone and a "new normal" has come to stay. My children are a blessing. The difficulty is only exacerbated when we try to fit our children into our routine, instead of the other way around.
God uses circumstances to point out things that we just plain refuse to see. Not saying that you were refusing to see that you "can't do it alone." What better way to realize this than to have a baby!? Like you, I am glad that I can't do it alone. I am so glad that I NEED my husband's help.
Hang in there, Momma, you are doing a great job.
You might like this:
http://heartkeepercommonroom.blogspot.com/2005/11/your-schedule-is-plan-b.html
Amen Crystal. I remind myself of this everday. This is my new normal. But I'm so thankful for the pitter patter of little feet and mini person sitting next to me leaving what looks like a tornado zone in her wake.
My pregnancy did not have a joyful ending so I don't know what it is to try and recover from pregnancy and care for a newborn at the same time. But God has blessed and do know what it is to care for a toddler who likes mess as much as I like neat.
Oh well I look forward to teaching her otherwise and I'm so thankful for her in my life.
God Bless you and your family.
Happy Thanksgiving (post)
Wow! I just had my first baby 8 weeks ago and what you wrote really spoke to me. I was very organized as well and I had been trying to stay in control, but if you've been to my house I'm clearly not in control! LOL Anyway, it's so nice how when you are struggling God sends someone who has been through the same thing. My cousin Martha sent me your post and now I need to realize I can't do it! Anyway, just wanted to let you know you blessed me today!
April
Thanks for the link! And thanks for sharing your thoughts on this subject of needing help - from other people and definitely from God!
I remember when I had to admit this, I can't do it all. My expectations on myself were high and I had to think what do I want my children to remember? Do I want them to remember a high strung mom who was always tense about the house being clean and organized? I pared down my expectations and concentrate on the kitchen and living room , then bathrooms, then bedrooms. Alot of times everything does not get done, but you know, eventually it does, just not at the same time! It has been harder for me I think with us doing alot of school this year as I find I do not have as much time to clean, cook, or anything, but you know hopefully they are learning! Thank you for reminding me of this as I have been getting frustrated more and needed to remember this!
Thank you for sharing with us. I was blessed and encouraged.
Amen, Crystal! This is often a hard lesson for first-born perfectionists to learn. I'm a "recovering perfectionist" myself and am so thankful the Lord has placed so many wonderful helpers in my life. Christ's church is a BODY, after all. No one member has to do it all! That's such a great gift. We can all pitch in and help each other! Blessings, Jennie
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