What do you think? The influence of babies on single men.
Kathrynne (when she was around six months old) with our friend, Caleb, a single young man who is getting ready for his second deployment to Iraq. Despite being a Marine, he's not at all embarrassed to hold babies... he always wants to spend time with Kathrynne whenever we get a chance to see him.Doug Phillips posted a fascinating and insightful article today on the influence of babies on single men. I encourage you to read it in its entirety. Here's quick snippet:
The result is that single men who are around babies and family cultures become highly motivated to "get their act together." They experience positive, holy peer pressure to set aside childish things, and to be about the business of men. This means that they must prepare their fields without (Prov 24:27), so they can start families of their own and have babies. Malachi 2:14 reminds us that "real men" acknowledge that the pursuit of a godly seed is not merely an afterthought. It is one of the key reasons delineated by the Creator for marriage. For all of these reasons, the presence of babies in the life of single men not only tenderizes their hearts to the preciousness of children, but it motivates them to be men of God.
In contrast, individualistic cultures prioritize lifestyles which have the tendancy of innoculating young men against healthy, manly feelings towards babies and children. Our modern culture is radically individualistic. Not all of the expressions of individualism are inherintly wrong, but the net effect has been devastating for our view of babies and manhood. For example, the modern trend of never-ending formal education tends to give men a "dormitory" vision of life, and to push marriages back later and later. The Bible encourages husbands to rejoice in the wife of their youth, which is why Christian cultures self-consciously prepare men for marriage and family leadership sooner, rather than later in life.
Individualistic cultures breed materialism, the great foe of manly maturity. Materialism is poison to the single man. Success is defined by the aquisition of things, rather than obedience and the pursuit of spiritual objectives. Marriage and babies are largely viewed as an encumberance to personal freedom. In addition, materialism trains men to demand immediate gratification. This leads to sexual impropriety, indebtedness and even impatience and anger. In contrast, cultures that force men to deal with babies and children tend to encourage the manly disciplines of self-sacrifice, patience and kindness.
Individualistic cultures are family-fragmenting by nature. The consequence is that the hearts of our single men become invested in destructive peer cultures, rather than a balanced, multi-generational Christian community.
The simple truth is this: The longer men are away from babies, the more selfish they tend to become.
Truth be told, I'm not sure I've ever read an article of this nature. I found it very thought-provoking and I'd love to hear your thoughts whether in agreement or disagreement.
posted by Crystal Paine at 1:24 PM
21 Comments:
Very interesting. I agree with it, though it's not something I'd ever thought about much.
Looking back ot when I was single, I always found young men who were comfortable with small children to be very attractive and endearing. :)
The Rebelution (http://www.therebelution.com/blog) has some GREAT articles along this same subject (the subject of how individualism affects young men). Check out their articles on kidults. VERY good read!!!
I must've been an anomaly. I got sick of dorm life after a short while. I wanted some stability in my life; dorm life didn't do that for me. Dorm life meant having to move every year, sometimes multiple times a year. It usually meant having new sets of roommates every semester or two, some of whom you might never talk to or barel ever see.
For Korean culture, I got married very early (23). That's 7 years earlier than the average Korean man. I too think it's unfortunate that in today's culture, formal education just goes on and on and people get married in their 30's. And it seems that people who get married late usually just have 1 or 2 kids. We currently don't have any kids (considering we just got married in Dec '06), but we're pretty sure you can get much more fulfillment out of life from children than from the degrees you have hanging on your wall.
When I was younger, I was around babies a lot more than I've been recently. I don't know if it has made me a better person or not. I have, however, come to a much more Biblical view of children within the past few years. And so no birth control for us, of course ;)
Also, I wouldn't like getting married old because I wouldn't get to see my grandchildren. After all:
5 May the LORD bless you from Zion
all the days of your life;
may you see the prosperity of Jerusalem,
6 and may you live to see your children's children.
Peace be upon Israel.
I have always thought that young men who are around children mature faster. What Mr. Phillips said is not news to me. lol!
I have always thought that the young men that spoke negatively about children were losers. Period.
I asked my dad what he thought about it. Here's an excerpt from what he said:
"Many teenagers and young adults have not been taught to think in the long term. I see the attitude of irresponsibility toward children as just another manifestation of the general lack of responsibility in people's character."
I think I agree. Certainly having *responsibility* for a baby makes you mature faster and think more long-term. But I tend to think the causality goes the other way around for the point he (Doug) is trying to make. Young men (and women) who have been taught to be responsible will think long-term, and which will naturally turn their minds to children.
I LOVED the point he made about how our spiritual fathers, for example Abraham, wanted children. I had never thought of that before. And obviously, Jesus was a perfect example of how a single man should embrace children.
Well, aside from the fact that I find 99.9 44/100% of what Doug Phillips says as unintellegent and hateful drivel....I will say this.
I agree that men OR women who are exposed to a loving, happy family environment are more inclined to want children, yada yada. However, I was raised in a huge family, and I disliked children up until I found out I'm pregnant back in December. Children weren't perceived necessarily as an encumbrance so much as that when God felt we were ready, He would provide that child or children. That, and I just knew far too many ill-behaved children, thanks to being a lifeguard and Y Camp Counselor. ;) Kind of turned me off.
Being the 'bad' Christian I am, and using birth control, we still got pregnant. There is a difference in having discernment as to what God is speaking to your heart and what you *think* He is saying. Obviously, He felt we were ready, and although I'm still scared and questioning, I'll roll with it and be eternally grateful. :D
Both my husband and I went to college, and loved every minute of it. We're both working on our masters' degrees, and we know one thing: when the baby comes, we'll be able to provide for it on all levels:economically, spiritually, physically, and emotionally. Yes, we're individuals, but our parents raised us to see the bigger picture. I don't think dormlife/ college breeds anything more than not going to college can teach you. And not everyone subscribes to the same Christian philosophies...some of us think we're conservative, when compared with others, are actually kind of liberal, in a strange way.
I agree with this only to a point. I think being around children helps boys mature into men and I only have to look at my brothers to see that. They are wonderful around my and my sister's children and I have seen a maturity in them recently that I had not before.
However, my husband completed a "good" education before he even met me. While he wanted to have children, he also wanted to marry the person whom God had chosen for him. We have been blessed with children and he is a very involved father.
I think the bigger issue in our individualistic culture is that boys are not trained to be leaders - in the family or elsewhere. Men who are good leaders want to be good husbands and fathers.
Andrea,
Tell us how you really feel. ;-)
Zan-
Hey, no problem. ;) Pregnancy has made me very candid, and I get upset whenever I see Christ's name being misrepresented or used to oppress a group of people.
Michelle-
I agree with you fully! Our men are not trained up and raised to be leaders...there's all this focus on women being women, but we need to let our men know it is okay to be big strong men! :)
I agree that most young men who are around babies may want them at an earlier age, but, I don't know if I agree with his "simple truth".
"The simple truth is this: The longer men are away from babies, the more selfish they tend to become." --My husband is a 26 year old college graduate and youth pastor and he hasn't been around babies at all, in fact, he's never held one before. He is the youngest in his family and just hasn't been exposed to them.
We talked about having kids before we got married and it was definatly a desire of both of ours, but talked about waiting around 5 years so that we had time for just us and also for him to be in a place where he could soley support us. About 1 1/2 years into our marriage (in Dec. 2005) we were at Disneyland and my husband saw a dad with his little girl and he got "the baby bug" and by April we had decided that the time was right and are now expecting our little guy within the next few weeks.
My husband is nervous about being a dad, but who wouldn't be!?! I definatly don't think that not being around babies made him any more selfish than the rest of us!
Andrea- Congratulations on your pregnancy! Also, I liked your last sentence of your first comment...I agree:-)
Crystal, I read this post at Doug's Blog and thought it was lovely; very, very sweet, and true. HOWEVER-
Again and again, thinkers like Mr. Phillips refer to a "Biblical" world view that is more closely aligned with pre-Christian Jewish (as perhaps appropriate for Mr. Phillips, given his Jewish heritage) thought than with the family vision of the Christian era. Did you notice that there are NO Scriptural citations from the New Testament in this post, other than the vague and rather strained reference to "the greatest example of manhood in all of history (who) rebuked other men who would not “suffer the children” to come-"?
And what about the reference to "encouragement to pursue a Psalm 127 vision that someday their own families will be mighty in the land-" when Christians dont HAVE "a land" to populate? (ancient Israel of the OT period, did however, did have a land to populate)
It seems to me that a Christian vision of the family should refer foremostly to Christ, who called His twelve disciples away from the comforts of family life, and we should recall that as His followers we Christians are a community dispersed among the nations. As such, our family mandate is to populate Christ's Body, the church- in which even men and women who do not marry and have children may and should be duly prized as spiritual "fathers" and "mothers."
In as much as Mr. Phillips (frequently) seems to leave such principles out of his reflections, I respectfully critique.
I think that's a great article. It shows (for all us single girls) that there is hope, that God has the perfect young men for each and every one! :-)
I see this effect not only on men but women as well- the protective instinct and kindness in people can be provoked when confronted by babies; they're such helpless, harmless little people. My little 6-week-old has already drawn such sweet and unexpected reactions from the most unlikely people, including some real hard cases.
The best impression that is made on single men, I think, are the real-life representations of positive family relationships- strong and Godly families reaping the blessings of each other. The people who profess to dislike children have usually been exposed more to the not-so-great representations of family life- teachers and other caregivers who work with undisciplined kids from homes where parents are self-centered etc. Setting a good example gives people a better idea of how good things can be.
I found this article intriguing. Being a Mom of 4 boys from ages 8 to 24 I can testify that being involved with their baby brothers has created a tender heart towards, and a strong desire for, children. Last Sunday I watched my 6 foot, 24 yr. old son toting small toddlers around in his arms - it was a beautiful sight!
I agree that most "men" today seem to be stuck in an adolescent "me first" stage of life where playing video games is a priority - what has happened to the godly men that were so prevalent several generations ago?
I found this article very interesting and true....speaking as both a single woman and a children's minister, there's something special about a man spending time with babies. Our church is blessed in this area. On my volunteer roster I have 16 young men (age 15-18) who beg to serve in the nursery every week....I have to send them to the worship service to recieve their own training...they want to be with the babies.
As a single woman who spends most of my time with young children, I've noticed an interesting trend among my single guy friends. In the last year we've noticed a visible softening of their hearts toward kids, and a noticiable move toward settling down. A year ago, it was myself and one other young woman who would vie for the attention of the babies in our Bible study group (group is young couples and singles)...now, us ladies have to get their early if we want any time at all as the guys are all about the kids. It's been great to see the impact of these little hearts on the hearts of the men.
I agree that we live in an excessively materialistic and individualistic culture. But I would like to make the point that the reason a lot of young people aren’t settling down is because they can’t. Due to a lot of factors, including the feminist movement, we now live in a society that makes it very difficult for people to marry and start families at a young age. Jobs require more formal education than they used to, tuition is more expensive, and housing is much more expensive. If a young couple these days wants to do what a lot of Christian families want to do – have a large family and live on one income – they have a very, very tough road ahead of them. I’m not saying it’s impossible, but it’s certainly more difficult than it was even a generation ago, no matter how much a couple plans ahead. There was a time when someone with only a high school diploma could support a family on one income. That time has definitely passed, at least for most people.
What we need is a more family-friendly society, but I’m afraid that’s probably impossible at this point. I just think it’s important to remember that while there are definitely a lot of self-centered young people out there, there are also a lot of young people who really want to move forward with their lives but are finding that a society that expects them to be immature and irresponsible is making it very difficult for them to do so.
I have seen this in my younger brother. He's a marine, and when he comes home on leave, he always visits at my home to play with my children. He often tells me that he wants what I have one day, but he's not sure he's ready yet. It is very sweet to see him with my children.
One of the things that attracted me to my dh was seeing him with the babies and small children in his family when we were dating, and his proud profession that he wanted six children once he got married. Well, we currently are awaiting our 5th (any day now), so I guess he really meant it!
One of the things that so attracted me to my husband was the fact that he loves children. When we were dating, he was always wherever the children were at large family gatherings. I'll never forget how tender and gentle he was with my infant niece. I'd never seen anyting like it. And today, he's the most wonderful father...
When my youngest (of 7) child was born her older siblings were 16, 14, 12, 10, 7, and 5. The girls (16 and 10) stepped up and cared for their new baby sister and me (emergency c-section) and developed a deep bond with her. That didn't surpise me. What did surprise me was how protective and caring the older boys all were. The first morning home from the hospital the baby never slept in her crib...if she wasn't nursing, a sibling was holding her. At church one day I had a Sr. Saint ask "do you ever hold that baby? I always see her with a big brother." I replied "that's why I nurse her!" :)
I tell people that "(the baby)'gentled' her big brothers," not just to her, but to all children. She gentled them even in ways their other younger siblings didn't, perhaps because they were becoming adults and mature enough to overcome selfishness for her sake?
Over the last 10 years there have been a lot of goodbyes and many miles traveled by my kids. But no matter where they are (college, military, missions) they have all mentioned that they MISS being around kids. When they come home they want to be around their sister, their cousins (close in age to my youngest), their own friends' little ones; they need their "baby tanks" filled, so to speak.
Last Thanksgiving was one son's first in the Marines. God provided dinner at the home of a pastor's family with four kids under 10. When the pastor tried to get his girls to "settle down" and quite climging all over my son and begging for stories, my son's reply was "you don't understand; this is what I'm used to. I MISS this!" He still attends church with that family and the kids look for him every week. The other Marine is totally comfortable with his Sgt's 2 year old.
None of my children are married yet; God hasn't yet brought His person into any of their lives. Yet they are where God wants them for right now. Generally speaking I think it better to marry younger rather than older, but I think Mr. Phillips overgeneralizes the case. I also very much agree with SarahD that our culture makes it very hard to marry young (as I did). Whenever and however God brings along a life's partner, they all, but especially my sons, will be better equipped for marriage and parenting because they've spend time around babies and children.
I was encouraged by mamatod's comment...yet another reason I want to have a big family! So my older kids will learn how to care for babies.
I hope that being around my infant daughter will continue to have a good affect on my brothers.
Crystal, I know the discussion is over, but I still wanted to pipe in and thank you so much for posting this! I saw it on Doug's Blog one morning, and then came over to your blog next and saw that you had posted a portion of it as well. I'm so happy you did - the more people that read it the better!
As I was reading it, "Amens" kept rising in my heart. It's high time someone comes up and speaks out and says these things! As a single young woman looking ahead to marriage in a few years (Lord willing!) I must say that I am definitely impressed with the rare young man I see who is tender with babies and enjoys young children. So many guys try to be "tough" about it all, but really it shows so much more manliness when they treasure babies! It is so sweet to observe, and I pray daily that God will prepare a man for me like that!
Anyways, there's my two-cents :-)
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