Biblical Womanhood: Date night: Is it important to marriage?

Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Date night: Is it important to marriage?

I have read many articles of people saying that their marriage wouldn't have survived without a 'date night'. I noticed you mention having a 'date night' too, so I ask is it a important to have a date night for a marriage to stay alive? Here is my situation: We have only my sister that we trust with our son and she is busy most of the time. The rest of our family isn't suitable because of some kind of substance abuse or just to 'old' and doesn't want to keep up with an active two year old. I don't know any young 'trustable' teenager. I was hoping you would have some advice. -Rose Mary

Hi, Rose Mary! What a great question and one that I've often mulled over myself. I've read things by some marriage experts who say that a once-a-week date night was almost imperative for a healthy marriage. Though I think that devoting time every week specifically to nurturing your marriage is definitely something I whole-heartedly agree with, I don't necessarily agree that it has to be in the form of a date night. Or in the form of what we would commonly recognize as "date night." (You know the drill - Mom and Dad leave junior and junioress with a babysitter for a few hours so they can go out to a restaurant to eat.)

While there's nothing wrong with a date night of that kind (provided your are leaving your children with a good and responsible sitter), I don't think that that kind of date night can work for everyone, especially if it is going to be a weekly event. Not only is it expensive but finding good sitters can be hard to come by.

Jesse and I have been married over four years and up to this point, and we've rarely ever had a "real date night" like that. We did go out to eat at nicer restaurants together (usually while mystery shopping a restaurant!) a few times before we had children. But we usually couldn't afford to pay $20-$30 for a restaurant meal. After Kathrynne came along, it wasn't just the money issue, it was that we didn't have anyone trustworthy to watch her.

So all that said, I completely understand your situation. Instead of bemoaning our lack of "real date nights," we've had fun being creative. We usually have a "family date" once a week, typically on Saturdays since I have such an early bedtime while pregnant that weeknights would be difficult. We've been going out for either breakfast or lunch. Not only are those meals cheaper than dinner at most restaurants, it works out better for us this way at this point in our lives. These family dates are so enjoyable and looked forward to, but they are not in anyway to replace one-on-one time in our marriage. Kathrynne is still little so it's somewhat like a date for us, even if she's tagging along. But we also feel it is important that we have time set aside to nurture our marriage. Times when it is just the two of us.

How do we accomplish this without paying a babysitter? Well, one thing which works great for us is that many Friday nights, we put Kathrynne to bed early and then we'll stay up a bit later doing something special together. I posted some ideas awhile back for inexpensive or free "date night" ideas that we've done before here. Most all of those which involved leaving home, we just took Kathrynne with us or else did it before having children. Here are a few ideas for at-home dates from that post:

Check out an old movie at the library, put the children to bed early, pop some popcorn or bake cookies with frozen cookie dough, make some tea or cocoa, and snuggle on the couch together and enjoy the movie. Take turns reading aloud from a book while sipping fresh-brewed coffee. Bake cookies together and then clean up the kitchen. Play a board game or card game. Jesse and I spent many fun evenings playing Phase 10 when we were first married. We also tried chess, but he got so good that he started beating me at it, so we had to give that up!

Another option, if you can afford it, is to feed your children early, have your husband pick up some takeout on his way home from work, and then enjoy that after the children are in bed. We do this sometimes using coupons and have a fairly inexpensive and enjoyable evening. You can even dress up and set up a special table with candles and your best China. Or save yourself having to clean up afterwards - light a candle and use paper plates.

The most important thing is that you take time to keep your marriage flames of love kindled. For different people, that will mean different things. Be creative, have fun, do what you can with what you have, and ask God to bless it!

I'd love to hear input and ideas from others on this.

20 Comments:

Anonymous said...: Crystal,
Great post! We basically do the same things you recommend. We never leave our two little ones with a sitter, so we have to get creative. Since my kids are little, we put them to bed early, so my husband and I can stay up and visit with each other. I think that time without the kids is important for a married couple, but sometimes that time must be in your own house after the kids are asleep! Valerie; 10:33 AM
Laura said...: I just blogged about this last week! Read here to see why my husband and I do not go out on dates.; 12:01 PM
zan said...: LOL! We have a date night just about every night. After the kids go to bed we sit by the fire with snacks (sometimes a glass of wine) and talk about the day. We could never plan to go out once a week and I don't think I would want to. Every night is "date night" for us. We give each other back rubs and foot rubs and just talk. It is so much more relaxing than having to go out. We just like to be with each other, I guess. Sometimes we play cards or watch TV. It varies. Tonight we are planning on cooking muscles and eating them while we watch a movie or maybe just watch the logs burn. This might sound weird, but since we have been using the fire place, we enjoy watching the logs burn instead of the TV.

I do enjoy going out for dinner and dressing up, too, just not as much as I used to.; 1:47 PM
Sam-Is-Mad said...: Picnic lunches at the park are a good idea. You can make all the food yourself, and go to a park near hubby's work. Any kids can run about while you keep an eye on them and still enjoy each other's company.; 2:05 PM
Trixie said...: I know many couples that have their special time together after the children are in bed.

Some Ideas:

Play a board game together

do a bible study

read over the paper together and discuss it,

share your hopes, dreams and make plans together over a nice cup of coffee or tea while sitting in your own back yard

I wouldn't wonder if more bonding and strengthening of marriges occurs just during everyday, average events than over a special "date night" at a nice restuant.

My husband and I sit out in the garage in front of the wood stove and on the back patio. It is free and it is a wonderful time of fellowship.; 2:17 PM
maryanne helms said...: Crystal-

Thank you for touching on this topic! My husband and I currently have three children under 4, and we are truly commited to our marriage. There are many things to do to make this stage fun- even with children around. He will sometimes pick up coffee on his way home, and we have that as a treat. We do put the kids down early, and enjoy our Netflix movies. We also love to hike and be outdoors together as a family. Often the kids will run and play, leaving us time to talk to one another.

Maryanne; 2:44 PM
Beth said...: My husband and I do some of the same things you suggest...We also go to bed at the same time each night and take 10-15 minutes before turning out the lights to touch base and connect at the end of our long day. Doesn't substitute for a dedicated evening once in awhile but works in a pinch.; 3:13 PM
A New Life said...: If you really like watching movies but want to avoid the high costs of a movie theatre, then I highly suggest Netflix. My husband and I love to snuggle up, drink hot tea or cocoa and watch a nice movie.

We absolutely love Netflix. I think the plans are very affordable. They have a really good selection of movies, including Christian. :-)

Aisha; 4:21 PM
Lisa said...: Crystal,
My husband and I have been married for 23 years, and only the past 6 have we been able to go out like that. It wasn't until our oldest daughter (also an avid BWO reader, btw)was older did we get to do lunch etc. But we often spent a lot of time together after the kids went to bed, and it really helped me. It brought just a bit of sanity to our hectic lives! Lisa; 4:56 PM
Rebecca said...: "The most important thing is that you take time to keep your marriage flames of love kindled."

That really is the point. The problem with the modern understanding of the necessity of a date night that has become so popular in Christian circles is that people get sloppy; some couples will begin to leave their connecting with each other to the date night. Monthly, or even weekly, dates do not substitute for regular daily communication.

And how many wives get disappointed with their husbands over the issue of date nights?

I would prefer to see an emphasis on having at least an hour daily of genuine couple communication.

Do you believe that is do=able?; 5:19 PM
Anonymous said...: Crystal,
Great topic!!!!!!!!!
This is first time I have ever responded to a blog so not sure exactly how this works,here goes...

My husband and I have been married almost twelve years and we have been blessed with four wonderful children.

I think marriage is soooo much like our walk with Christ. We can put together a formal list of do's and dont's and think that we are good Christians, all the while not truly enjoying and spending time in our relationship with God our creator. One thing I love about marraige is that it is a beautiful reflection of our relationship with God. We can all have a successful marriage without a "formal" date night by enjoying and spending time with each other!(though date nights are fun and refreshing when we can have them)

My husband is a christian school teacher and I am a stay at home mom. So, a "formal" once a week date night is not a realistic option at this point in our lives. Some day it may be. However, we made a decision early on that our children would go to bed early allowing us a few hours each night to connect, with the exception of Friday night. They are allowed to stay up late and we have a special family night. Our special "date" time is Saturday night, we start getting ready for bed at 7pm and all the kids are all in bed by 7:30 (even our ten year old) They understand that this is dad and moms night and they had their special night the day before, not to mention they are all a bit tired from staying up later the night before.

On our date time we do different things each week. Some time we cook together, sometime we rent a movie, get take out, listen to music together, talk, enjoy a cup of a special new coffee blend, a new thing we have been enjoying is renting old classic tv series through blockbuster.com. They have really old tv series(like leave it to beaver, mister ed, gidget...etc. and old classic movies online and so we joined the cheap movie delivery option. These are just a few ideas.

I know every marriage and couple is different and what works for one may not work for another--but I can truly say that after 4 kids and twelve years - I am still crazy about my husband, and I believe part of that is because we make time to enjoy each other.
God bless!; 5:36 PM
Becky Miller said...: With only one so far, my husband and I still get that "date" feeling even if we take Katherine (4 months old) with us when we go out. But money is tight for us, so we don't go out often. After Katherine is asleep, we like to stay up late in our cozy bedroom and talk. Actually, one of the best ways we've found to connect and keep communication open and enjoyable in our marriage is to shower together almost every morning. We can get up before the baby does and have time to take a long shower - this is the time we spend talking, dreaming, and praying together.; 6:44 PM
Hannah said...: It's so funny that you mention Phase 10, that's one of our favorites! Another idea: During the summer we would put the baby to bed and bring the monitor outside with us in the back yard. We watched the stars and talked and sometimes lit a fire in the chiminea. These were the best date nights.; 8:21 PM
Leah (Parrish) Millan said...: When my husband and I went to a nice restaurant for our anniversary-- we were done with our food in about 3 minutes!! We looked at our plates and looked at each other and laughed because we are so used to getting in and out as fast as we can before any meltdowns occur :) While I definately need some fresh air from time to time, I am usually happy to have undistracted time with him-- whether it is at home or abroad.; 8:45 PM
Chinamama4 said...: My husband and I have a "curfew" of 10:00 each night. After our girls go to bed, we have a couple of hours for me to clean the kitchen, work on a project, whatever, and he has a couple of hours to finish up work (he works from our home when he's not traveling for business). But at 10:00, we stop whatever we're doing and head upstairs to reconnect. Granted, sometimes we're tidying up the room, or watching a movie or TV show, or I'm folding laundry, or he's packing for his next trip, but the point is that we're together, enjoying one another, talking, laughing, dreaming...; 9:02 PM
Anonymous said...: I really enjoyed this! Thank you; 9:52 PM
MamaTod said...: First thought, it doesn't matter if what you do is defined as "date night" or not...it's the connecting that's important. What works for you is good.

Second thought, when our four oldest (of 7) were young there was a period of about a year and a half where we traded 24 hours with friends whose values and temperaments were compatible with ours and whose kids were about the same age as ours. One month we got 24 hours (Fri. supper to Sat. supper) kid-free and all the kids were at their house. The next month we had all the kids and they got the 24 hours off. We didn't do it during Christmas or July (we farmed and that was our busiest harvest season). It worked very well for us in that season of our lives. One of the best parts was that we could sleep in our own bed and eat our own meals so it didn't cost much. Maybe that's an idea someone else can use. :); 10:07 PM
Amy said...: Just wanted to mention to RoseMary that she might want to find a sitter by posting an "ad" in the church bulletin, homeschool newsletter or Christian school newsletter. You could also sit for a night for another couple and have them reciprocate.

Usually my husband and I do the put-the-kids-to-bed-early routine and stay in for a date night. More romantic than going out! And cheaper!; 12:52 AM
JustJana said...: Excellent post, Crystal! My husband and I have not had the privilege of too many "real" dates outside the home. But we HAVE made it a priority to "keep the spark alive" and I believe WHOLEHEARTEDLY that it's possible without ever leaving the house. We've been married eight years, and I truly believe it gets better and better with each passing day.

First off, I'd say that it's more of a lifestyle thing. It's great to have a weekly date night, and that most certainly is one way of keeping the spark alive, but if that's not possible, there's gotta be other ways. For us, it was about an attitude, a mindset, a DECISION to keep the spark alive. It affects how we greet each other every lunch hour and ever supper hour when he comes home from work. It involves me making him a priority in the evenings instead of continuing to work on things around the house until I flop into bed exhausted. We make a point of having meaningful conversation daily - about things other than home repair and children. We make an effort to be affectionate throughout the day. I could go on and on about little things like this. The point is, they take forethought and discipline and effort. But this is what really makes the difference.

I'm taking up a ton of space here, but I'll just tell you our favorite "at home date." We set up our home like a spa once the kids are in bed. We turn out the lights, put candles all over the place, put on some relaxing music, fill up the bath with bubbles, etc. My husband gives great massages, but sometimes, I just give myself a pedicure and manicure while he sits nearby and we chat. It's calming for both of us, and it's out of the ordinary. We add a special snack and drink sometimes. Sometimes we'll watch a movie together. The point is, just BEING together and focusing on EACH OTHER.

Hope this helps!; 9:08 AM
Rhonda said...: A friend of mine has her kids on a strict bed time schedule. She has them in bed at 7:30 and asleep at 8. Then she and her Dh have 2 hours of "couple" time before anybody is too tired to think. If course this isn't practical for me.

Anyway, we can't do the weekly date night, but a few years ago we started a once-about-every-six-months overnight getaway. We send the kids to my mom's and go. Never far, just "away". It has made a tremendous impact in our marriage. Getting DH away from our kids is hard. Sometimes your marriage (and me!)needs some undivided attention.
I know how you feel about leaving your child with someone trustworthy. You might want to build up a relationship with someone who could earn your trust.Eventually.

Anyway, you won't be able to get away any time soon! Hope your preganancy is going good.

Rhonda; 9:24 AM

Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Date night: Is it important to marriage?

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