The legacy of a Godly marriage
Tammy has written a wonderful post on being a loving wife. We need this reminder every day, don't we?
I have a very long way to go in the area of being a truly Godly wife, but I'm thankful for the things the Lord has taught me and continues to teach me. I was blessed beyond words to be raised in a home where a Godly marriage was exemplified to me day in and day out. My parents have now been married over 30 years and their love for each other continues to grow as the years go by.
Seeing their beautiful marriage lived before me instilled in me such a desire to have the same thing someday. I didn't want to just be married, or have a nominally okay marriage, I wanted a God-honoring, beautiful marriage which could stand as a testimony to the world of Christ and the Church. I have a far from perfect marriage (I don't think there is a "perfect marriage" this side of Heaven), but I thank the Lord for giving me a wonderful marriage. I thank the Lord often for the example of my parents who proved to me that, despite what the world might tell you, a wonderful marriage is really and truly possible.
The topic of marriage has been on my mind a lot recently. As some of you know, our family was chosen to be featured in an upcoming UK television documentary on devoted wives. This is something we never sought out and never expected to actually be chosen to participate in when they initially contacted and interviewed us. For some reason, God has chosen us for this and so we've accepted the challenge. In a few weeks, a film crew from the UK will be flying over to film a day in our life. We are praying that the Lord would use what is filmed in our home to be a beacon of light to the many marriages and homes in the UK who need Christ. For as we have told the producers, without Christ, we have no basis for what we believe and no foundation for having a good marriage.
One of the questions which I was asked in preliminary interviews for this was, "What would be your five best recommendations for a wife to have a good marriage?" Off the top of my head, these four were what I said (Keep in mind this is for a secular audience.):
1) Keep Your Mouth Shut - Stop nagging, questioning, and belittling your husband. There is a time to speak and a time to keep silent. Make sure that when you open your mouth, it is going to pour forth words of love, admiration, appreciation, and kindness. Otherwise, keep it shut. This right here, could solve almost 95% of your marriage problems.
2) Focus on the Positive - Stop focusing on the negatives and start looking at the positives. Instead of being frustrated that your husband left his dirty socks on the floor yet again, start being thankful you have a husband who can leave his socks there in the first place. Many women would love to have a husband and don't. Use opportunities to be irritated as reminders to be thankful.
3) Give 150% to Your Husband and Your Marriage - Marriage takes work, but the work is worth it. Devote yourself 150% to your marriage and your man, not expecting anything in return. Constantly be thinking of what you can do to ease your husband's burdens and make him successful. Throw your life into bettering his life - give to him, love him, serve him. Think of his needs before your own. Evaluate everything in light of him: "Will this honor my husband?"
4) Readily Admit When You Are Wrong and Ask Forgiveness - Admitting you are wrong is not the easiest thing in the world to do, but it is the first step to a restored relationship. Don't stuff problems "under the rug" and think that time will heal them. Admit you are wrong, ask forgiveness, and get back on the right track again. And do this quickly.
I know there are many other things which could be said, but these were my top four suggestions which readily came to my mind at the time. And in retrospect, I don't think I'd have much else to add. However, if I were speaking to a Christian audience, my number one recommendation would be:
Keep Christ the Center of Your Life and Marriage - The more you love the Lord, the more you will love others. And this love cannot but help and spill out into your marriage. Let Christ love your husband through you. Without Christ at the center of your life and marriage, you might be able to have a relatively good marriage, but you cannot have a glorious, wonderful marriage. As the song that my sister wrote for our wedding says, "He is the tie that binds our hearts."
I'm no marriage expert and I definitely don't have a lot of years of marriage under my belt, but the above core principles are what I saw lived out in my parents' marriage, and these are what I've found really to strengthen our marriage, as well. My prayer is that our marriage will stand as a testimony to the world and to our children as a beautiful picture of Christ and the Church. What better legacy could we leave to our children than a Godly, beautiful, Christ-centered marriage and home-life?
posted by Crystal Paine at 9:45 AM
20 Comments:
Your first point said to keep your mouth shut unless you're going to say words of love, admiration, etc. What if your husband is wrong or you strongly disagree with something he does or says? Do you say nothing at all? I'm asking because I'm genuinely curious as to how you handle that.
Hi, Anonymous!
I was expecting this question :) and here's my answer:
"There is a time to speak and a time to keep silent."
Notice I said to only open your mouth in love - You can express concerns in a loving attitude and I believe very much that there is a time and a place for this. However, it should be done with caution and care. It shouldn't be something you do everyday and the way you do it should be carefully and prayerfully thought-out ahead of time most of the time.
Before you go to your husband with a concern, I'd encourage a woman to think about it and pray about it. Examine your heart - am I just wanting my own way or is this because I love my husband and want the very best for our family? Do I have a humble heart? Am I willing to trust God to work through my husband even if he makes a mistake?
Also, be very careful in how you go to your husband. I wouldn't just go to my husband and say, "You're wrong, you're really wrong, and here's why..." Instead, with a loving attitude, I could go to him and maybe say something like, "Honey, there's something that's been bothering me about XYZ. I wondered if we could talk about it?" Then I'd share my concerns with him. Sometimes just talking through it we'll both have a bit of a different perspective. Sometimes in talking through it, I'll realize I was way off base. Sometimes I'll share my concern and that is that and he makes the final decision and I trust God to work through him in that way. Sometimes, he'll come to me a few days later and thank me for what I shared as it really helped him rethink his decision. It just depends.
My husband and I have a very open relationship. He wants my input and counsel. He asks for it. He rarely makes a decision without me. He trusts me and he respects my input. But, he is the final decision-maker and I trust God to work through him in that way.
Anyway, those are some of my thoughts. Others are free to chime in on this as well.
Crystal, I agree with your obversations 100%. My husband and I recently married (December 8th) and this is not the first marriage for either of us - but it is the first Christ-centered one for us. Having Christ with us and placing Him first makes all the difference - truly! I am so thankful for my husband and for God's teaching and leading in my life!
I agree wholeheartedly with this advice, except for one thing; I do not think it should be directed only to wives. I think that everything you said applies 100% to wives, and it applies 100% to husbands, as well. For example, my husband and I have a very wonderful, loving, loyal, egalitarian relationship where there is no one decision maker. We are a partnership; we are one in marriage, therefore, we make decisions together. So just as I seek to serve my husband and give him 150% of my love and attention, he seeks to serve ME and give me and our marriage 150%. Just as I never (well, these are my best intentions anyway :)) belittle him for a decision he made, he would never belittle me for a decision I made. Just as I always praise him and speak words of love to him, so does he to me. He builds me up and supports my career (I'm an editor) and my mission in life, and I do the same to him. Likewise, we both focus on our home to make it a haven for each other.
So I agree that these are fantastic thoughts, but they are (at least in my opinon) just as applicable to a man as a woman!
I didn't realize that they were going to use your family for the special. I thought that was still up in the air. Do you think the special will air on TLC or PBS? If you get any information on if it will air in the US, please let us know. I would love to see you on it.
I am PMSing really bad and I loved Tammy's post, but your's has just sent me over the edge and I am going to go cry now.
Amanda: Many of the things could definitely apply to men as well - only if my husband were writing it, he'd have a whole lot more things to say to men. Like bucking up, being a leader, being a man, taking responsibility, laying down your life for your wife. :) The Bible gives some serious responsibilities to husbands, they most certainly do not in anyway get off scot-free. However, this website isn't being written for men so I'm just focusing on the wives. :)
I do not believe the Biblical model for marriage is an egalitarian marriage, since marriage is to be a picture of Christ and the Church. As such, "the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the Church." It is hard to argue with that! You can't have two heads without chaos and confusion and tension. However, that doesn't in anyway mean a wife is a doormat. No ma'am. She is to be cherished, loved, protected, and given up for, just as Christ loves the Church and has given up Himself for it. That's why the beautiful picture God has laid out works so well - each parties are to be giving for the other party and in doing so, there can be true intimacy and harmony.
But, the egalitarian discussion is something for another day... :)
I agree Zan! I would love to see this! I am an avid PBS and TLC veiwer ( when I watch tv that is) and would enjoy this. I think The UK would Adore Kathrynne
I liked your advice about keeping your mouth shut unless you are going to speak in love, etc. It reminded me of what my mother tried to teach us kids growing up. "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all." Still have to work on that one!
Elissa
I'm sure that many critics are going to email you, Crystal, arguing against your mention of the husband as the "head" of his wife and family.
So may I take this opportunity to remind any naysayers that this is God's Word we're referring to here? This is the Christian faith, plain and simple, and when you have a man who is doing his best to be a Godly leader and a wife who submits to him with joy and respect, then the Lord's perfect plan works - just as He created it to! :-)
Great post. I enjoyed it and sent it to a newly engaged friend!
I found your blog today and really enjoyed reading your article.
I have recently decided to work on my marriage and to seek advise from Godly people. I was hoping to seek some from you if you don't mind.
My 14 year marriage is not bad or unhappy, I just think it could be so much better. My husband is very hard working at his job and is a great father. I have no complaints in those areas. We both grew up in Christian homes and have very Godly parents, but we both rebelled as teenagers and I became pregnant at age eighteen. We married and started our family - this was not an easy way to start a marriage. We had to grow up very, very quickly. We never really spoke of family, children, finances, etc. before marriage. This stuff was discussed after the "I do's" were exchanged. We soon discovered that we had very different opinions on these things. Neither one of us had a close relationship with God when we married, but as our children grew up, we decided that we must start attending church and have done so for about 8 years. My husband is not the spiritual leader of our house. He will ask one of the children to pray at dinner time and we have never had devotions together or prayed together. This is a subject that I know is "taboo" with him, therefore I don't speak of it much. He will not attend Sunday school or a Bible study, He uses our children as an excuse. This saddens me greatly. How do I go about encouraging him in this area when He feel so uncomfortable in that role?
I started reading, "Created to be his helpmeet." but got turned off slightly with the whole garbage story (I'm sure you know what I'm talking about). How could he thought so little of his wife to make her pick up the trash that he just spilled? The issue of him helping me around the house really, really bothers me. I feel like the job of raising children, housekeeping, meal preparation, homeschooling, yardwork, etc. falls entirely on my shoulders. I have gotten angry, I have come to him with a gentle heart, I have ignored and forgiven, I have joked about the subject, I have pleaded and whined. I have tried it all. Do I just forget it? I feel so disrespected when what I have done all day doesn't seem to matter to him. When I do approach the subject, he will say things like, "You're amazing" and then leave the room and let me do the dishes and clean up the kitchen (which I've done 3 times already that day) after it took me 2 hours to prepare the meal. (Yes, it does usually take this long since He loves to come home to a big meal and I try to do that for him.)
I could go on an on with example after example. My point is not to make my husband look badly, but try to find solutions.
I so want to be a Godly wife and mother! Any advice you could share would be greatly appreciated. Thank you!
Brava, Crystal! That is beautiful. (and congrats on your celebrity...:0
Crystal - this is my first time to post with you and I'm so excited because I COMPLETELY agree with your statements regarding marriage. Marriage certainly isn’t easy, but it’s worth it to give 150%! Also, I will be praying for you and your family as this UK special is recorded, compiled, and released. May it be used to share a Biblical view of marriage with those who so desperately need to hear it!
I agree with all of this advice, but I also agree with Amanda that the advice should apply to both husbands and wives.
And I have a comment on the nagging thing - for whatever reason, a lot of people assume that women are the only ones who nag. But what if your husband is the one who nags? My husband is much more likely than I am to notice something that needs to be fixed, to be bothered by a mess or to think that there's a "right way" for doing a particular task. I’m a lot more laid back and almost never get worked up about mundane tasks. Maybe we’re unusual, but that’s the way we are. Sometimes he gets on my case about things that quite frankly I feel are trivial, and in a way that I don’t always think is particularly loving. In other words, he breaks your first rule a lot. And he also seems to focus on the negative (like me forgetting to do something yet again despite my best efforts to remember). I get really frustrated when people assume that women are the only ones who do this. Anyway, how do you think I should respond when I think he’s out of line?
Anonymous: First off, like I said in my post, I'm no expert. I also don't know all the ins and outs of your specific situation so I can only speak based upon what you shared.
Your story is a great example to young people of something I stress so very much - don't rush into marriage without being sure it is God's will and that you and your future spouse are on the same page in all your foundational beliefs. Very few people seem to think to talk about things like roles, finances, children, etc. before marriage.
However, you're married now and I know that you know, looking back, it would have been better to discuss this stuff ahead of time, but you can't undo the past. You can change the future, though, and it starts with YOU! You can't change your husband but you can change yourself. It sounds to me like you are trying very hard to be a good wife, but perhaps you are trying for the wrong reasons. Trying because you want praise or acknowledgement, instead of just doing it because you love your husband.
To make it personal: When we got married Jesse didn't do anything to help around the house. He never grew up having to do things like that, so the thought never crossed his mind to help. At first, it was really frustrating to me. I expected him to help at least somewhat. That's what my dad did and my brothers always did lots of work, too, so don't all men? No, they don't.
I quickly learned I had a choice: I could either get frustrated and fume at him about not helping, or I could stop expecting him to help and just love him for who he is. I learned that loving him and focusing on the positives is a much better approach. :) And you know what? Over time, he started to help with things unexpectedly. Since I was not expecting it, it bowled me over and I was able to express genuine and deep appreciation for this unexpected blessing. He has gotten so good at helping now that I sometimes have to stop him from working and tell him he needs to take a break! Quite a different man, I'd say!
I also try to put myself in my husband's shoes and think about all the responsibility he is carrying for me - he puts food on the table, a shelter over our head, he pays the bills ontime, he keeps the car running, etc. He goes to work everyday to take care of us. He has a fairly high-pressured job (I think that comes with the legal profession!) and the last thing he needs is to come home to me expecting more work out of him.
I recommend you keep trying to plod through Created to Be His Help Meet, even if there are little parts which might bother you (I didn't agree with every tiny little thing in the book, but overall, it was so good!). Reading that book was one thing which tremendously helped our marriage - I started realizing that the change needed to begin with ME. My attitude towards my husband and toward life in general makes such a difference in our home.
There might also be some practical solutions which would help you out: -You mentioned your children - could they perhaps help you out more? I'm assuming you have at least one or two which could take on some of the tasks and relieve you of having to do so much. I'd get them as involved as possible. For instance, once we were around the age of five, we were expected to do basic chores like setting the table, emptying the trash, cleaning our rooms. By the time we were seven or eight, we were cleaning bathrooms, folding laundry, washing, drying, putting away dishes, vacuuming, etc. At 12, we could pretty much do any sort of yardwork and cleaning and cooking needed and we were expected to "pull our weight." For a number of years, my mom did not do any laundry, cooking, or cleaning - we took care of all of it with shared responsibility. She was there to homeschool, plan, and oversee and that was plenty for her to do in addition to being a wife and ministering to other women, etc. She was very busy from sun up to sun down and I can't imagine her having to try and fit cleaning and cooking and laundry in there, too.
Another idea is to streamline those household responsibilities which are taking a lot of time. You mentioned spending 2 hours to cook a big dinner every night. I'm all for cooking to please your husband but perhaps you can come up with some ways to do this more efficiently. What about using the crockpot? Doubling or tripling things so you have some freezer meals to fall back on (this also cuts lots of time on dishes!), using your bread machine, or buying some things pre-packaged if need be. Or what about delegating a few nights a week to your children to do dinner, or at least delegating part of the meal.
Most of all, just pray for your husband and love him. Ask God to love him through you. Focus on how you can love him and ask God to help you to be the wife that he needs you to be.
This post might be an encouragement to you and I highly recommend you read it:
http://she-lives.typepad.com/she_lives/2007/02/shes_got_this_m.html
Praying for you, Anonymous! God bless you!
Oh and I'd love to hear some input from others on this. I'm still a newbie!
Sarah D. - My advice: Focus on the positive and give 150% - not expecting anything in return. Your husband isn't perfect and neither are you. I'm sure for as many things as irritate you about him, there are that many things which you do which irritate him. Being irritated solves nothing. You can choose to be irritated or you can choose to love. Loving is a much better option.
Focus on changing you and you might just be surprised at how much your husband changes, too. At least, I sure have been! Jesse's a completely different man than I married but that only happened when I stopped trying to change him. He was a great guy before, but now he is so beyond great I can't even describe it.
And, read the post I recommended to Anonymous. It's great advice from a seasoned woman with many more years of happy marriage under her belt than I!
Great 5 recommendations, Crystal! Thanks for posting them.
Thank you for sharing this. I look forward to reading it, again, and visiting the link. I just re-posted a post about nurturing our marriages, too.
~ Christina
HsKubes' Haven at Home
Praying for your family, Crystal, and that the Lord would bless you through this filming because my experience as an English woman watching Americans with religious beliefs on our screens is that they take a real hammering in the edit/narrate process. I know when you first mentionned it I was alarmed a little for you all. To God be the glory!
Wow Crystal, what an exciting opportunity. I hope the documentary will be fair in their representation of you! I will pray that God will make it impossible for them to twist things, and that He will put all the right words in your mouth!
I agree with your advice completely! Only relatively recently has it occured to me that I am responsible for *my* behavior and *my* role and responsibilities-not my husband's! What he does or doesn't do, he is accountable to God for, not to me. Taking full responsibility for myself and giving up my desire to pick at what he's done wrong was scary at first, but it had an incredibly positive impact on our marriage. I am more loved, cherished, desired, honored than ever! :D
Excellent advice, Crystal! Thanks for being courageous enough to tell the truth. God's way works!
Post a Comment
<< Home