A man's greatest need
Becky Miller hits the nail on the head with her case for Respect Day vs. Valentine's Day.
Ever wonder why God told husbands to love their wives and wives to reverence their husbands? Because He's God, of course, and He knows that a man's greatest need is respect. Give your husband true respect and reverence and not only will you see a real man blossom before your eyes but I'd wager you'll also get plenty of love in return.
And speaking of respect, Zan sent me this interesting article which just goes to prove what we already knew - men were designed to be the leaders and providers of their families, not the nurturers of their homes.
Ever wonder why God told husbands to love their wives and wives to reverence their husbands? Because He's God, of course, and He knows that a man's greatest need is respect. Give your husband true respect and reverence and not only will you see a real man blossom before your eyes but I'd wager you'll also get plenty of love in return.
And speaking of respect, Zan sent me this interesting article which just goes to prove what we already knew - men were designed to be the leaders and providers of their families, not the nurturers of their homes.
posted by Crystal Paine at 3:31 PM
19 Comments:
A man's greatest need is reverence? I'm not in agreement but not saying so to be argumentative or discouraging(rather to let the Lord comfort and edify us all through His Word); though reverencing is good and to be obeyed, it isn't paramount. Strong's usage includes fear aspects AND to reverence, venerate, to treat with deference or reverential obedience.
It's a matter of submission and order as are other verses in Ephesians 5(where the husband is to nourish...nurture...and cherish the wife as Christ does the Church). However, a wife is to love her husband(Titus 2) just as a man is to love his wife(and he is to also honor her as the weaker vessel...another role distinction though joint heirs). That is the greatest need...to be loved by Christ first and then through each other because of Jesus working in and through individuals.
The aspects of hubby toward wife(nurturing, reverencing, etc.) flow from God loving us first, our being enabled to love Him and others properly in each type of relationship. We can't yield to hubby headship if we aren't yielded to God. Hubby can't view and honor the wife(1 Peter 3:7) as the weaker vessel if he doesn't see his weakness in regards to the Lord. Nor can either see and submit in other designed differences. Love~God's~toward us and in and through us is paramount. Yes? Isn't God good?
About the article...
I think one commenter said something about if he is able to turn a barn into a house then he should be able to get a decent job.
I think I agree.
Instead of going out with his friends on the weekends, why not get a p/t job? Like waiting tables or bartending? He could even work at the same places his friends hang out so he could get a chance to see them. It would also give mom some alone time with her daughters.
However I know it is easier for us to comment on solutions for things as outsiders.
He seems like a loving father. I hope they work things out.
Crystal, I can definitely attest that this is true! I have asked my husband on several different occasions, "What can I do that will show you my love and make you feel the most loved?" And every time the answer has been that I would just trust him, which to me speaks of reverence and respect. You can't trust someone you don't respect, can you? I completely agree, and I am learning and trying my best to fulfill my husband's greatest need! Thanks for the reminder and encouragement!
I can so relate to that article. My husband was a stay at home dad for a year when he was laid off while I worked all the time and it was a disaster! The whole family was miserable. Now that things are back to normal, life is so much better.
My husband and I were talking about this over our Valentine's Dinner at-home last night and he was reiterating to me just how important my respect and trust in him is. I did want to clarify one thing since I failed to mention this in the original post: I wasn't speaking in terms of what a man needs from the Lord - which is salvation. That is all of our greatest need. I'm speaking in terms of from the wife. Of course, respect for our husband should flow from our love for the Lord and our husband. But ask any man what they need most from their wife and you will invariably hear some form of the word "respect." They feel loved by being respected, admired, and reverenced. That's why God commanded wives to reverence their husbands! :)
By the way, I'm not even going to be begin to get into all the comments from those who want to tear down the husband's role as a provider, leader, and protector of their family. My life is too full right now for a debate on that subject, but thanks for the comments anyway.
The Bible clearly states that men love your wives (mentioned many times to men will get the picture!)and women respect your husbands. The bible is the source of all truth and if we don't respect our husbands, how easy can it be for our husbands to love us? It is a continuous cycle. If our husbands don't show their love for us, most likely we won't show them respect either. Our church had a wonderful 4-day revival where one of the topics focused on men and women and marriage and how the bible states that women respect your husbands.
I read the article .... I left work after a year (I previously was a stay at home mom). My husband understands his role as a provider and mine as the nurturer. I do get from christians and non-christians alike that "I need to be productive so I need to work" or "Are you staying home?". Raising a family of 3 is a rewarding and blessing gift and requires us to be focused on our families 24 hours a day. Unfortunately the world sees women as having it all if she is a career woman and mother (though children are being cared for by others). I feel that my greatest contribution (and the Lord's will for me since being a mother is in his will) is to be nurturer in my family. I am not saying anything against women who work (of course single women who I know many, that have to not only provide financially but also as the father role also) however I have met so many women that never needed to go back to work but have opted to have careers where they are travelling or not coming home until after 6PM and say "I need to work to feel productive." Anyway, there are many ways to network with others if there are women who feel they need to get away. Volunteering at church is a wonderful example. We maintain our friendships through many church functions and bible study class. Also of course if you can own your own home business where it doesn't interfere with your family that is a wonderful option.
In general I am pro men being the breadwinners, but it seems that in the second article the author had a demeaning attitude towards her husband. I can't pretend I know her situation, but it seems that there are better ways than making her husband come to her for money all the time. Also, isn't her husband essentially working? (By redecorating their house and taking care of the family.) She doesn't seem to acknowledge that.
My husband and I lived off my paycheck solely when my husband was between jobs. We had a joint bank account, and I always let him use his card when it came to paying for things, which made him feel that he was taking care of me. Of course, that was only a temporary situation, but I think attitude does have a lot to do with it.
Ashley - I so agree on the attitude part. I think it can make such a difference! And I also agree that we can't all be in "ideal" situations all the time - where the husband is the chief breadwinner, etc. But no matter what our situation, our attitude towards our husband can truly make all the difference in the world. Thanks for sharing.
I accidentally deleted a few comments which I meant to keep. My apologies to those of you who had left thoughtful comments and they aren't showing up. Feel free to re-comment!
Hi Crystal,
First off, I love your blog, even though I don't necessarily agree with everything. With respect to this article, I think what this demonstrates is ONE couple's negative experience with the wife being the breadwinner. What about all the comments on that page (yes, some were from men) who were totally fine with their wives earning more money? Although I think it's easy to jump all over something when it seems to line up with your views and say, "see, this proves it!" (and yes, I do the same thing, too :)), we have to look at the big picture and realize that this is just ONE instance out of how many?
My husband is a wonderful, loving man who doesn't mind me being the breadwinner right now (he is in school for his electrical engineering degree, so naturally he doesn't earn as much as I do), and he doesn't resent me at all. In fact, he thanks me every day for working so that he can concentrate on school in order to one day be an efficient provider for our family (if that is possible).
Speaking of providing, we both know that it is crucial for ONE of the parents to earn a good living in order to support a family, and it is equally crucial for the OTHER parent to stay home and nurture the children. We have both decided that in order to do what is best for our family, when we have children, whoever makes more money will continue to work, and whoever makes less will stay home with the children. In all likelihood, that means he'll be working (engineers generally make more money than editors!), and both of us are totally fine with that. He will get great satisfaction out of providing for our family, and I will get great satisfaction out of staying home and raising our children. However, if, by some twist of fate, I made more money, I would be just as satisfied to provide for us, while he would be incredibly fulfilled by staying home and raising and teaching our children. I guess I don't understand why staying home is a noble thing when it's done by a woman, but a demeaning thing when done by the man? (For the record, I believe it's an incredibly noble profession no matter who does it, and yes, I am a feminist :) Not all feminists look down on women who choose to stay home; I'll probably be one of them!)
Speaking of a man's greatest need, however, I think that respect and love are intertwined (in the marriage relationship anyway; I respect my co-workers, but I don't love them!) I love my husband dearly, and I respect him with every fiber of my being. But he does the same for me. He respects and loves me; I couldn't be with a man who didn't do both. I don't think it's an either/or thing, i.e, men need respect, and women need love. I think both genders need love and respect equally from their marriage partners, and although it may manifest itself differently (i.e., a husband shows he loves his wife by doing a task that he knows she hates, so that she can have time to herself, while a wife respects her husband by building up his accomplishments in front of his friends), I think that both of these instances show the same thing; love for one another, which naturally translates into respect for one another. Maybe I didn't explain myself very well, but you know what I mean (I hope!)
Sorry for writing a novel; I just wanted to give a different point of view. By the way, I just wanted to say that I have been implementing some things that you have written with regards to reverencing your husband, and it's been amazing! Now, I admit, I don't believe in submission, and my husband doesn't either; we believe in full equality and mutuality (but just because I don't submit doesn't mean I don't respect him; I do tremendously! and likewise, he respects me). So I don't do the reverencing thing from the submission point of view. However, a lot of what you said about reverencing your husband made sense, and I decided to implement it from the point of view that, "I love this man, therefore I want to make him feel honored and loved." I started requesting things of him MUCH more nicely than I had in the past, and I look to serve him whenever possible (again, not from a submission point of view, but just the way that I would serve my mother, my children, anyone else whom I loved.)
For example, we have a list of chores that we do in order to keep our apartment clean; we do a little something every day so the cleaning doesn't get overwhelming (another little trick I learned from you!) Well, Monday for example is his day to sweep the kitchen and vacuum the living room. He came home from class and I asked him how his day was. He replied that he was tired. Now, normally I might have said, "well, i hope you're not too tired to vacuum and sweep; it's your day to do that! I've been working, too; you don't think I'm tired?" And it probably would have escalated into an argument.
But instead I thought, "Ok, I love him and I want to make life easy for him; he's had a hard day." So I said, "honey, if you want, I can do your vacuuming and sweeping for you, if you'd like to rest or study or whatever." He looked at me in surprise, and then said, "No, babe, I don't mind doing it. It'll only take a few minutes, and you've been working all day, too." So I reverenced him by offering to make his life easier, and in turn, he did the same for me! I couldn't believe it; I was like, wow, that's easy. And I've been doing little things now, like thanking him for taking out the trash and the recycling, instead of nagging him as to when he's going to do it. And he, likewise, is thanking me for every little thing, like "thanks for cleaning up the kitchen after dinner, sweetheart." It's amazing! And the thing is, since he thanks me for little things now, I WANT to do more. And the same goes for him! So I just wanted to say that while neither of us believe in submission, we definitely believe in reverencing, honoring, and serving your spouse! Thank you for sharing this info!
(As a side note, however, I was just wondering, does your husband honor, reverence and serve YOU? Don't get me wrong; he sounds like a great guy, but since you're always talking about honoring and reverencing him--and I know that makes sense, since this blog is for women, not men--I was just wondering if he honored, reverenced, and respected YOU. Thanks in advance!) And again, sorry for the long, long novel!
Crystal, I do agree that respect and trustworthiness are important and our husbands should desire that with us. They and we should desire aspects of obedience and of love in action with one another...ultimately obedience as unto the Lord...in a way that doesn't foster the slightest dependence of our spouse on ourselves or of ourselves on our spouse to the disservice of God and humanity(something that too easily happens with thoughts on Valentine's Day); rather, our actions should portray the oneness of the Son with the Father and of believers with God, submission to His headship, the need for every human to be loved by God through Christ alone.
The tangible love of God working in and through believers see as the husband obediently loving the wife and the wife obediently loving the husband along with submission, reverence, nurturing, etc. flowing from that love is a pointing of others to Him, the mystery of Christ and His Church, and for His glory. So in reality, while forgiveness/salvation/spiritual regeneration is also important they are still pointing toward the greatest longing and need of us all(even as we consider tangible earth realm relationships): regaining the image of God, having a relationship with God...intimately knowing the hand, face, and heart of God Who is Love. I had been working on this thought for a few weeks and have a post today on my blog that elaborates. It's a "thought provoker" but it is what God has been laying on my heart not only in the past few weeks but moreso in the past 19 of 29 years of marriage. What a wonderful journey~
We don't really disagree in the greater picture, we don't. You are loved, precious one. :-)
Amanda: Thanks for the long comment and for stating your beliefs/disagreements in a respectful manner. That is always appreciated around here! :)I hope my response can come across in the same way.
You are absolutely right that we can pretty much find any article out there to support any point of view, whether right or wrong. I don't believe what I believe based upon articles or poll results, I believe what I believe because I'm a Christian and, as such, the Word of God is my Guidebook. I just always find it interesting when the secular media admits that certain things which feminists have tried so hard to make a reality really aren't working all that well. I don't need the secular media to prove my point, I just find it fascinating when they do! :)
I'm glad you believe that a parent should stay home with children. It seems to be a very unpopular view and my heart goes out to all these children who are often being neglected by the parents for many hours of each week so that the parents can do something more "fulfilling." I often wonder if these same parents will look back someday with great regret as they are holed up in nursing home care without ever having much contact with their children who are now grown and gone and too busy doing more "fulfilling" things.
You asked why I believe it is more noble for a woman to stay home. Well, it goes back to the basics of what I believe: Men and women are different. God created them differently to fulfill different purposes and roles. Much as society seeks to erase these roles and to create gender neutrality, the truth remains that men and women are different.
From the beginning of time, men were created to be the leaders, women were created to be the helpers and nurturers. While men can certainly rock babies, change diapers, and women certainly have plenty of intellect, God has uniquely designed them to fit different roles. There is so much more I could say on this, but that gives at least the foundation for why I believe a woman is to be the keeper of her home, the helper to her husband, and the nurturer of her children - God didn't gift men or call men to do those things.
Isn't it amazing how not nagging and showing more reverence to your husband really makes a difference? It's an area I'm constantly working on... I still have far to go!
The real reason I was responding to this (I think my response is almost going to be longer than your initial comment!), is because I wanted to address your question as to whether my husband respects and reverences me:
As I've said in the past, I believe that my husband is my God-ordained head and authority. As such, I submit to his leadership, he does not submit to my leadership. He is the head of our relationship. He is responsible before the Lord for His actions and decisions. However, he is also to love me and give to me and serve me. He most definitely wants my input, trusts me, asks for my counsel and thoughts. So, in this sense, yes, he most definitely respects me, but he does not "reverence" me in the sense that I am his leader or authority because I am not. I'm not sure if that makes any sense or just muddies the water more?
I'd love to hear some responses on this from older and wiser women. I still have much to learn and am most certainly not setting myself up as some "marriage counsellor" just sharing what I am learning and what I see to be true in the Word of God.
Hi There!
I am waiting my copy of
Love & Respect by Eggerichs, Emerson from the library.
So that I can learn more of this.
Crystal,
Thanks for the answer to your comments; I appreciate it. I was just curious; obviously your husband loves you, but you mentions that he also "serves" you. I was just curious as to what you meant by that? I hope that doesn't come across as disrespectful; since I'm coming from such a different viewpoint as you and Jesse, I just don't get how a leader also serves? I mean, yes, I know the whole analogy about Jesus being a leader and also a servant, but I was just curious how your husband serves you in your day to day lives (if you feel comfortable sharing). Thanks!
Crystal, thanks for the link! Our friend Peter who inspired the card called us yesterday - he really appreciated it. I think I'm going to look into making some "Respect" cards for next year...I know a lot of wives would like to give them to their husbands!
I'll just throw in here that my husband serves me by bringing in the firewood. I am perfectly capable of doing it, but it is a nice jesture all the same. :-)
Um, he makes sure he makes enough money to keep me warm, safe and healthy. He makes sure my car is in good shape. He makes dinner when I am overwhelmed with the kids. He makes me tea and hot chocolate when I'm freezing :-D. He goes grocery shopping so I don't have to go by myself with the kids.He shoveled all that snow we got yesterday so I wouldn't have to do it. He gives me foot rubs. :-D He opens jars that I can't. He works hard at his job for MY benefit not just his. His career took off after he married me because he felt motivated AFTER he married me (so much for that article that said that singles' careers are better than married people's).
That's about all I can think of right now.
Oh my, Amanda! Where do I start in talking about how my husband serves me? (By the way, that was a perfectly okay question - I know that when one's beliefs are "foreign" it is helpful to ask for specifics, so go right ahead!)
Jesse works hard as an attorney everyday to make a living so that we can have a roof over our heads, a warm home, food to eat, clothes to wear, and so that we can be saving money towards buying a home in the not-too-distant future. In addition to that, he is constantly doing all sorts of things little and big to serve me and demonstrate his love for me. He often calls on his way home from work and asks if I need him to pick up anything on the way home. He offers to run errands. He takes care of shoveling the snow on our driveway, keeps the car running, takes out the trash. Goes and buys me special things I am craving. :)
To give a specific example from this week - it was supposed to snow on Monday night and the roads were going to be bad. I was supposed to drive myself to my cake decorating class. Instead, he called and said he wanted to drive me and could I also bring the library books so he could take those back for me, too? (Don't ask me how he knew they were due the next day - he somehow just remembers this kind of stuff!) He dropped me off for my class, then he went and bought salt for our driveway, picked me up, came home and spread salt all over our driveway and porch and didn't come in until close to 9 p.m. to finally eat dinner. I know he was very hungry, but he put that aside in order to make sure I was taken care of and protected.
I love how Scripture portrays a servant-leader and think Jesse is such a good example of that. He always thinks of my needs before his own and no task is too menial for him. I know I am very blessed - I don't deserve such a wonderful man.
Crystal, I really want to thank you for this post because I really enjoyed reading the comment trail it generated. Because men's need for respect so often degenerates into pride and lust, I think our culture often overlooks respect as a legitimate emotional need, one which God has designed men to accept so they will be motivated to be better leaders.
A woman who respects her leader, whether her husband or her pastor, makes his life of service a joy and not a burden. And that is of the most benefit to her! (Heb 13:17)
Of course I agree that a man MUST be respected, especially by his family. But when I saw that title, "A man's greatest need", respect was not my first thought ... ;)
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