Rambling on loneliness
I've been thinking a lot about Amy's post. Thinking, pondering, reminiscing...
Three and a half years ago, Jesse and I moved away from our friends, family, church, and everything we'd ever known to a town where we knew no one, had no connections, nothing, nada. At first, I was excited at the prospect of meeting new people and planting new roots. Having grown up with abundant opportunities for fellowship with other Christian families, I just assumed we'd quickly get "plugged in."
Very false assumption.
Though we did meet some very wonderful people (Hi, Cheryl! Hi, Laurie!), for the most part, it was a very lonely road. We tried to reach out, we tried to "connect", we tried to build relationships. We invited people over, we volunteered to help with things, we tried to be as active as we could in our little tiny church, but it seemed that all our efforts fell flat on their face. Nothing was "clicking"; no relationships were being formed; true Christian fellowship was almost impossible to be had. People were too busy to find time to get together or just plain not interested.
And then I got pregnant. "Aha! Now I'll be able to connect," I thought. "No longer will I be the young wife, I'll have a baby. Maybe some of the moms will let me into their 'group.'"
False assumption number two.
I quickly learned that having a baby doesn't automatically equal friends, it just makes you more hungry than ever for fellowship. To make matters worse, right before Kathrynne was born, our second vehicle died. So, not only was I a brand-new mom with basically zero friends and support, I also had no transportation all day long either. We weren't living in the best area of town, so walking anywhere besides around the outside of our apartment was not an option. Jesse was very busy with school and work and hardly home at all.
Needless to say, it was a very lonely time. I wouldn't trade being a wife or mommy for the world, but that didn't mean my life was a bed full of roses. I struggled along as best I could seeking to find contentment in the Lord and not base my joy on my outward circumstances.
One of the bright spots during this time was discovering blogging. Since I didn't have much fellowship at all locally, reading blogs and starting one of my own provided a way for me to connect (albeit virtually) to other moms. I know some people frown on "virtual friendships," but, believe me, they were a lifesaver to me. I finally didn't feel so alone in my motherhood!
As time went on, we gradually did meet more people and forge closer bonds. And now, God has moved us on to a place where we have a lot more fellowship. I feel so blessed and thankful but I will never forget what it felt like to be so alone. It isn't easy being a young mom and trying to do it without support close by can make it so much more difficult. Like Amy said, "We weren't meant to do it alone."
I'm writing all of this because I would really like to open up some discussion on the topic. I'd love to hear ideas of how you've reached out and forged bonds with other moms and how you've found support and encouragement. It seems there are a lot of moms out there who feel alone and, because of the loneliness and lack of support I experienced, I am always looking for ways to encourage moms, especially young moms, in our area. After all, I need the fellowship, too! I'm mulling over starting an informal mom's group - something where moms can get together and just talk, share, pick each other's brains, laugh, cry, and encourage and build each other up in our roles as wives and moms - the kind of group I would have loved to be apart of and never found. (By the way, anyone live close by and want to join?) Are any of you a part of such a group? Anyone have any great solutions or ideas for what seems to be a rampant lack of support for moms? We can't solve all the world's problems, but sharing some ideas which have worked for you might spark some help, ideas, or encouragement for another lonely mom.
Three and a half years ago, Jesse and I moved away from our friends, family, church, and everything we'd ever known to a town where we knew no one, had no connections, nothing, nada. At first, I was excited at the prospect of meeting new people and planting new roots. Having grown up with abundant opportunities for fellowship with other Christian families, I just assumed we'd quickly get "plugged in."
Very false assumption.
Though we did meet some very wonderful people (Hi, Cheryl! Hi, Laurie!), for the most part, it was a very lonely road. We tried to reach out, we tried to "connect", we tried to build relationships. We invited people over, we volunteered to help with things, we tried to be as active as we could in our little tiny church, but it seemed that all our efforts fell flat on their face. Nothing was "clicking"; no relationships were being formed; true Christian fellowship was almost impossible to be had. People were too busy to find time to get together or just plain not interested.
And then I got pregnant. "Aha! Now I'll be able to connect," I thought. "No longer will I be the young wife, I'll have a baby. Maybe some of the moms will let me into their 'group.'"
False assumption number two.
I quickly learned that having a baby doesn't automatically equal friends, it just makes you more hungry than ever for fellowship. To make matters worse, right before Kathrynne was born, our second vehicle died. So, not only was I a brand-new mom with basically zero friends and support, I also had no transportation all day long either. We weren't living in the best area of town, so walking anywhere besides around the outside of our apartment was not an option. Jesse was very busy with school and work and hardly home at all.
Needless to say, it was a very lonely time. I wouldn't trade being a wife or mommy for the world, but that didn't mean my life was a bed full of roses. I struggled along as best I could seeking to find contentment in the Lord and not base my joy on my outward circumstances.
One of the bright spots during this time was discovering blogging. Since I didn't have much fellowship at all locally, reading blogs and starting one of my own provided a way for me to connect (albeit virtually) to other moms. I know some people frown on "virtual friendships," but, believe me, they were a lifesaver to me. I finally didn't feel so alone in my motherhood!
As time went on, we gradually did meet more people and forge closer bonds. And now, God has moved us on to a place where we have a lot more fellowship. I feel so blessed and thankful but I will never forget what it felt like to be so alone. It isn't easy being a young mom and trying to do it without support close by can make it so much more difficult. Like Amy said, "We weren't meant to do it alone."
I'm writing all of this because I would really like to open up some discussion on the topic. I'd love to hear ideas of how you've reached out and forged bonds with other moms and how you've found support and encouragement. It seems there are a lot of moms out there who feel alone and, because of the loneliness and lack of support I experienced, I am always looking for ways to encourage moms, especially young moms, in our area. After all, I need the fellowship, too! I'm mulling over starting an informal mom's group - something where moms can get together and just talk, share, pick each other's brains, laugh, cry, and encourage and build each other up in our roles as wives and moms - the kind of group I would have loved to be apart of and never found. (By the way, anyone live close by and want to join?) Are any of you a part of such a group? Anyone have any great solutions or ideas for what seems to be a rampant lack of support for moms? We can't solve all the world's problems, but sharing some ideas which have worked for you might spark some help, ideas, or encouragement for another lonely mom.
posted by Crystal Paine at 1:46 PM
49 Comments:
Wow it is nice to see that I am not alone! My family and I live in Mexico as missionaries and I really long for some friends too! I have some very wonderful national friends from here but also long for someone who speaks my language and who understands more of where I am coming from. I too have tried reaching out, having people over, etc...and like you said Crystal the Christian fellowship just isn't there.
I look forward to seeing other peoples responses....
I think you just said what a lot of mommies feel, but never talk about or say because they would feel or "seem" ungodly if they admitted they are lonely or longing for Christian fellowship. Your blog has been a great encouragement to me and at times has help to fill a void (as strange as that may sound). We are in Springfield, mo not sure how far that is from you but if it were close I would love to meet you. Phallin
This is so timely for me. I have been very discouraged lately because of the lack of "spiritual" friendships and encouragment.
Most of my friends are so busy that all they do is talk of their schedules, etc. I am home with my preschooler all day (and he doesn't go to a preschool or mother' day out program) and feel so out of touch and disconnected from my friends. My friends all have older kids.
I turned to the internet to gain some Godly wisdom and have grown spiritually from blogs and websites like your! (Thanks!) Recently I have come across some that are written by Christians, but the focus is more worldly and that doesn't fill my needs. I have to be careful because I need to be surrounded by ideas that will encourage my walk with God.
Praying about this has helped and starting in 1 1/2 weeks an opportunity has come about for me to lead a bible study at my church. I am going to be talking on Proberbs 31 and am so excited to share some things I have learned over the past year or so. Just so you understand, Proverbs 31 issues are never discussed in my church, or biblical womanhood.
I so desire companionship, but this "lonley" time in my life has led to a deeper understanding of God's will. You know, I think you have said it here before and I truly believe that Jesus should be our best friend and the first one we should run to with problems. I haven't always done that and when I fall away from that pattern, I get miserable.
Okay, I know I have written a small book, but this is so fresh to me right now.
Thanks. Valerie
I grew up in Sprinfield, MO. Nice to meet you Phall! Crystal you're right about the fellowship just not being there. I experienced that as a single woman and as a married woman. It's interesting, I too found blogs while going through the lonliness of being in a foreign country and not knowing anyone. My husband was always at work, we had no car yet and the people here had their own friends and groups and no need or inclination to include me. Finding Christian blogs was truly a Godsend. I have some Christian fellowship now, but it's still good to meet with my blog friends too.
We're just as busy as the next family, but we always make time for fellowship. Unfortunately, what you described about inviting people over and trying to get together with others -- describes our situation perfectly. We do have company over a couple times a month, but we do SO much inviting for that to happen!!! I guess that's partly why I am always excited about the possibility of meeting new people who live close to us... :) Our home is always open to our friends and family... we just wish people would drop in more often. :)
What a great topic! We have moved around quite a bit in our 15 years of marriage and currently we live about 7 hours away from family and live about 40 minutes away from our church....This can lead to much loneliness.
I, too, am *so thankful* that I found blogging! You see even though I'm ok with not having a lot of interaction with others throughout the week what I was really longing for is like-mindedness in feeling that staying home, even without children, is a good and worthy thing to do. I have finally felt so supported and encouraged that I am doing the right thing and not 'wasting my life sitting at home doing nothing'.
And then too, there is not having any children---God has given grace in this area and I am truly content and happy with my life but sometimes when you're at the age where everyone in your age group is busy with children, it's easy to feel left out and alone. Again, blogs have helped with this and this is why I have changed the focus of my blog to supporting SAHW's.
Crystal, I'm so thankful for you! Yours is the first blog I found and it has opened up a whole new world for me and I feel I've really grown as a person and in my perspectives since I started blogging.
Well, I'll stop because this is becoming too long.
Blessings! (o:
~Mrs. B
For the longest time I was so lonely after having my now 8 month old son. I would go all week without talking to anyone but my husband and my son (and he doesn't really talk back in English, baby talk a-plenty). I am so thankful that my husband and I joined a small group from church. Everyone is around the same age and married. We are the only couple with a child right now, but I don't think it will take long to have another. We have the baby babysat by the grandparents while we're at small group and that really provides some "adult time" for me. Everyone is so supportive and wonderful. I have formed a great friendship with one of the wives and we meet once a week for lunch. The wives in the small group also have "Girls' Night" twice a month. I usually bring the baby, but everyone dotes on him so much that I barely hold him at all and that break is nice sometimes. I love to get together with other Godly women and talk about God and even just girly things. Very refreshing! Finally, I joined the MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) group at church. We meet twice a month for about 3 hours each time. The children are in the nursery downstairs. I talk with all the other mothers in my "discussion group" while we enjoy a program and wonderful homemade food. Not everyone there is in the same place spiritually, but we are all mommies and we all understand each other. It has taken me a long time to get where I am socially and I still get lonely sometimes. But, I am so thankful for the friends I have. I also really enjoy blogs, including yours. ( I guess this is a "de-lurking" comment) ;-)
A good topic.We have moved around lots in our 21 years of marriage.We even spent our first 2years of marriage in Iceland-too bad blogging wasn't around then.
We moved to Wake Forest,North Carolina about 15 months ago.This has been the lonelist move in along time.The worst part is my husband lost the job we moved for about 3 months after the moved.,Now he works out of town as a consultant.So I am a single mom here most of the time.
My biggest prayer is for the pain of loneliness to go away.
Crystal, my goodness this is so timely! I have felt so lonely during my pregnancy and the fellowship at church is not happening for me, either. I am very thankful for blogs, it is so helpful and encouraging. I am looking at joining a MOPS group after my son is born and hopefully that will help me out a bit. Being able to ask questions on blogs and just hearing honest observations from you and others here has been so great. Thanks so much for addressing an issue that many of us face but may not be comfortable admitting.
I thought **I** was the only 'at home' mom in our town when I first left the workplace after adopting our first son. The only visitors I had for MONTHS were the JWs who finally stopped coming after I begged them to hold my febrile, vomiting 4 month old... LOL.
Our church had plenty of other moms but they were all related to each other and I didn't really fit.
Finally, I found the LIBRARY. The local library turned out to be an absolute life saver. I could walk there AND there were tons of other moms there doing the exact same thing :-). Some of the moms going to infant story time were too 'out there' for me to connect with well but I found a few that became good friends. I am SO thankful.
Katie in Ohio
Mom to three busy boys under four
Crystal,
I'm not a mom, but I can definately relate. I've never moved out of state, but when I became a Christian I felt like I moved past my current friendships and lifestyle. It's been a couple of years and I'm STILL craving that fellowship! I remember trying to plug in at the church, and then hitting "dead-ends" and thinking to myself "this really shouldn't be so hard". I guess I thought that church would be the one place where friendships are easily made :)
I think what Tammy said is true. It takes alot of effort! It really does give you a desire to reach out to others when you have experienced lonliness because you don't think anyone should have to feel that way.
Like the others, I can totally relate to this topic. Amy's post really affected me when I read it last night and I've spent much time musing over the fact that she's right- it just isn't ok that we are going it alone so much of the time, when we desperately need the companionship and fellowship of other moms.
In June, we started attending a new church (finally, one that is so sound doctrinally and we are just loving it), but it's in the next town over from us, so the new moms and women that I am meeting just live way too far away for me to connect with them during the week. I, too, am without a car while my husband works, so I often feel the lonliness very keenly. I could talk about the struggle of it and how it's affected me lots, but I'd rather offer some suggestions of things that I have done to help with the loneliness.
Since I have only one toddler right now (another on the way in 3 months), I have done some childcare for my friends who (unfortunately, but that's another topic for another day) have gone back to work. It was nice to have the distraction of other children, both for myself and my very social little girl. I've currently stopped, to focus on my own family, but it was valuable in learning to balance taking care of several children (usually I had 1 or 2, in addition to my own dd), as well as earned us some extra money.
I have also taken short-term ESL placements, both homestay and homeschool/tutoring style. The homeschool ones (usually a child between ages 7-13, who stays home with you for 6 hours, and you spend 3 of those hours providing them with homeschool activities) were the most rewarding for me. Again, it provided extra income, as well as teaching me more about homeschooling my own children in the future, plus gave my dd and I someone else to interact with and to minister to (most of them were not Christians).
I have also longed for a moms group of sorts, and when nothing existed at my previous church, I put a group together myself. It was very informal, usually meeting every second week, for about 2 hours. We took turns bringing snacks and having coffee/tea while we chatted, asked each other questions, and played with each other's children. Sometimes we planned special crafts for the kids, or had a picnic at a park, etc. It was wonderful while it lasted.
At my new church, most of my new mommy friends live too far away or are busily homeschooling older children, while I am only jsut beginning the homeschool process. But, in order to really establish myself in the group, I joined their homeschool group which meets once a months, to glean and learn from them and develop relationships. I also volunteered to teach a homeschool coop on nutrition, since I am an amateur nutritionist. It blessed the moms and children to study nutrition, and it was fun for me to use my skills and interest.
One last thing I'll mention is that when the lonliness really gets to me, we just pack up and go for a walk, to the park in the summer, or the mall in winter or rain. Our mall has an indoor play area that is free, and it's great for dd to run around and socialize while I hope to find a nice mom to chat with. We've also taken a 5 week gym class at the local rec center (I also walk there) which helped us to get to know some other moms as well. These moms are generally not believers, but I enjoy the chance to build relationships that have the possibility to allow me to share my faith.
Blessings on those of you who are truly struggling with this right now. It is a hard, painful road to walk at times. May you find peace and comfort from the Holy Spirit, and may our God, who loves to give good gifts, bless you with the gift of fellowship.
Love Stephanie
In the past few years I've become acquainted with precious folks from around the world online, in their physical fatigue and inability to have company or venture out to socialize, that slowly had friends and family close relationships dwindle. The acquaintances came about because of my own circumstances(health, moving, etc.) and made me take pause to think about John being alone at Patmos and Paul spending time in prison. Words of Paul(Come before winter) have graciously been stuck by God in my mind after reading it in the Bible and in reading a book of the same title by Chuck Swindoll: "Come Before Winter and Share My Hope". Paul's words speak to me that while a letter is good, personal contact is superior(just as it is with those that blog or even in our reading God's love letters to us...one just cannot replace face-to-face interaction, not between humans and not when it comes to humans and the Lord).
This online message
touches on it better than I could hope to summarize as to why we should do to the degree we are enabled by God to reach out to others even in our own need...winter comes too soon for us to allow any of our God-orchestrated circumstances to latch onto a self-absorbed attitude that is reflective of the ways of the world. Isn't that why most of us have entered Blog Land...because we are Christ-absorbed and desire to pass on what He has done for us concerning eternity and in all our earthly circumstances? To comfort others. To edify. To proclaim that hope is in Christ alone.
God is so very good. Come before winter...and share my hope.
I've been in/am in the same boat. It was hard when we first moved here three and a half years ago, as newlyweds, because I was away from my family and everyone at our church has relationships that go back generations. I don't think people understand how hard it is to be the outsider in situations like that - it's not that they aren't nice, just that they don't NEED new friends, you know? Then when I quit work to be a full-time mom, I found I gradually lost the fellowship of several of my other friends, because they were so unsupportive and hostile to my decision to stay home (even as Christians).
Finding blogs was a lifesaver for me too! Especially in getting encouragement for the hard but rewarding work of being a full time mom and homemaker.
After a lot of hard work, and over three years trying, I feel like I'm starting to have some REAL friends, but still most of my friends are more like acquaintances. I pray a lot for God to send me Christian friends.
I can also relate to what you are saying Crystal! As Christian, home-schooling moms we need close friendships, encouragement and fellowship so much and yet it seems it's SOOO hard to find!! The Lord has blessed us with a couple of families that are close friends but it seems that everyone at our church is so busy with their own lives, that no one spends time together unless it is Sunday a.m, p.m or Wednesday night. It's kind of sad.....
I have definitely been in this situation. The first thing we did was change churches. When we began going to a church with a womens bible study and other "fringe benefits". It seemed in that environment women were more including. I also am involved in a group of about 30 women that have a monthly craft night. It is always the 2nd friday of the month and who ever can make, makes it. Some times it is just 3 of us other times it is 15. We take turns hosting it and if you come you bring a snack. The hostess just provides drinks. It is low key and prevents as much of the invite and turn down situation. Oh, for a craft you just bring what ever you are doing. Some do scrapbooking, stamping cards, grading papers or just talking. Cheap fun;).
I have been there. My husband and I moved from Ontario to Alberta, Canada (which is across the country over 3000 kms). It was so hard to adjust at first. I described it to my husband as a grieving process. I tried hard to plug into our new church but found it difficult. I missed the friendship and support I had back home. But as time went by I realized that God was using this time for a PURPOSE! The time spent at home, together, brought our family closer together. And as time went by God blesed us with a wonderful friendship with a family at our church as well as blessing us with Christian neighbours from Belize who also homeschool. Now we have been here in Alberta for two years and it feels more like home. But I believe that God has plans bigger than ours. Just this week, my husband found out that he got a great job back home in Onatario. And so now we are moving back, closer to family and friends. But what I have learned is that although I have had many times of lonliness, God was teaching me to rely fully on Him. He also richly blesses us with the gift of fellowhip with Christian friends. I guess what I am saying is that I have am slowly learning to FULLY trust in God and His plan for our lives. "To everything there is a season and a time for every purpose under the heaven..."Ecc. 3:1
I, too, am often lonely for "like-minded" Christian moms. We adopted our two girls from foster care. That meant that there was no pregnancy, no anticipation, no showers, etc. We were excited and anticipating, of course. But we were alone. We are planning on homeschooling our girls too. NO ONE else in our church does this. In fact, about 40% of the teachers from the local school PLUS the school board all attend the same church we do. Talk about feeling like an outsider! I think the hardest part is that my very best friend in the whole wide world, besides my husband, of course, is the pastor's wife. I feel like we need to forge a new path but we're tied to the place we are. It also doesn't help that my entire family attends there also. It would break my parents' hearts if we left. I'm rambling now, but I do know what it's like to be in a group of people and yet feel very alone.
This is a great post. I am in a similiar situation as Mikeandcharlsie. We are living in China and have totally stepped away from all famiy and friends to make a new life here minsitring to these people. Isolation has caused loneliness at times. The blog world (this one I read everyday) and emailing has also been my lifeline. The other lifeline has been my Lord. I am so thankful that he is with me when I feel so alone. Great post, admitting something we can all struggle with at times and need to uplift each other. Thanks! Carol
Something else I wanted to add.....I'm not sure how to say this because I don't wish to sound 'holier-than-thou' or like I think I have it 'all together' because I certainly don't.
However something I feel the Lord has been showing me in the midst of my lonliness is that I need to stop focusing on what *I* need in a friend and focus more on *being* a good friend. He is also showing me that I need to reach out to other ladies that are beyond my peer group......For instance....I'm hoping to host a breakfast tea in my home in March and the ladies I invited are all older ladies. Ladies that are my mother's age or older. Their children have grown and gone and they don't work outside the home so they have time to come over for a few hours. My hope is to be a blessing to them and in turn be blessed myself.
The Lord showed me that I need to look beyond trying to find friends to fulfill my needs and look for ways to be a friend and then my needs will be fulfilled.
Does that make sense? It is something that I am in the midst of learning and I'm thankful for His patience with me and I just wanted to share what He is teaching me.
Blessings,
~Mrs.B
Has a Catholic we have Saints that we pray to. I pray to them alot. When I loose something or looking for ? in your case friendships I pray to St. Anthony. He is the parton saint of lost articles. Now I have found that he is pretty good at find the right words to say to someone, things on sale & friends that are around the corner. I am friends with people I never dreamed of being with. And because it was heavenly sent it was meant to be.
St. Anthony prayer: Dear St. Anthony founder of lost articles please help me find ?
He has yet to fail me. God bless
Going throught this now, I've lived in my new city for almost a year now and try as I may I just feel out of place. I have not one friend here and zero support.
But nobody is truly ever alone right?
Loneliness is sooo ... lonely. While I homeschooled I knew I needed sceduled friend time, and held a Bible study/ support group/girl time twice a month in my home. Our "studies" often lasted several hours because for most of us that was the only time we really had with other women. After we decided to send our older boys to school I still hosted this all homeschooling group for a year, but then schedules changed... and we haven't met for months. I really miss it. We live in the country, so there are no neighbors just to small talk with. I think sometimes we are so diligent in being a godly wife, mother and keeper of our home, we let that all important area of Christian friendship flounder. Anyway, I really value the friendships of the women I had over for years, and I do think that is part of the secret, schedule it, make it a prioity, and don't cancel on each other! In the mean time and off times enjoy the blogs! You can talk to others at your convenience, and often get deeper, faster!
Crystal,
When I was a young Mom, I had a similiar experience after a move to a small town in GA. We were outsiders - although we did all the things you mentioned - it was just a very close(d)-knit town :)
Now as a Mom of 4 boys (8,13,17,24)at age 50, I try to open my home to younger Moms to be a source of encouragment and mentoring. In no way does this indicate that I "have it all togther" and "have made it"! But if I can share skills (canning, cheesemaking, soapmaking, homeschooling) and can help another Mom get over a hurdle or mentor her through new experiences (translate that to assuring them the pressure canner will not explode and kill everyone in the house!) while sharing wonderful fellowship in the Lord then we both come away blessed. I had many older woman speak into my life and my prayer is that as the Lord leads, I might be a blessing to someone else.
Grace and Peace,
Cheri
I'll be your friend. ;) I struggle with this mainly because we are living out of state and I feel very far away from my family and friends back home. However, even back in Texas, I suffered from this a bit.
We are in Arkansas now. Is that close to your group?
I'm very alone too. We move from Canada to the US for DH's bible college. It was January and I had a 1 month old baby. I moved from a big city to a town with one stop light, an over priced grocery store and little else. We stayed 4 months and i fell into PPD. Isolation is what caused it, I'm sure. We came back in Sept. and our church started a mom's group. we'd all take turns bringing something, 5 of us at a time and we'd have a delicious fellowship, followed by a teaching from a BTDT mom. Titus 2 fulfilled! It was great. We had discipline, loving our DH's, scheduling, various schooling methods pros and cons. I really enjoyed it. DH signed me up for some classes between his and it runs during them unfortunately, but I'm really hoping to go next year.
As a military family who has moved 6 times in 7 years, I have definitely felt lonely at times. Real fellowship is hard to find! Fortunately, I have been blessed to find a group of women, young and old, at every military post to pray with, study the Bible with, and learn from. It’s called PWOC, Protestant Women of The Chapel. (www.pwoconline.org)
A few months ago, my husband asked me to take a break from my PWOC Bible study time however, because of our youngest daughter. He prefers she not be in the child care for the 2 hours every Tuesday, morning that we meet at the post chapel. It was hard for me at first, but I honor my husband and believe he’s right that little Alisa needs to be with mommy for now. We are going to re-evaluate next fall.
The most amazing thing is that God totally answered my prayer as I gave up something for another. 2 of my new dear friends and sisters in the Lord and I have started a mommy group that meets every other Thursday. We take turns in each others homes, make a meal, work on a craft like sewing or scrap booking, study the Bible, and pray together. Our little children are with us the entire time and are truly enjoying the fellowship as well. Our God does supply all our needs!
I have also found blogging recently am excited about meeting more stay at home moms. It’s such an honor to be home with my girls every day, but I do enjoy the times God gives me with other women. I think the Bible makes it clear that we should be “building each other up” as well as “older women teaching younger women.” We have so much to learn from our precious sister’s in Christ!
And, Crystal, I’m not sure where you are located in Kansas? We are in Leavenworth, Kansas, and would love to meet sometime!
Crystal, this is a wonderful topic and I'm looking forward to reading more on it!
I think many women without children can relate to this too. While my husband and I are blessed to have family nearby, we've struggled with finding the fellowship of Christian friends in our area. (Our dearest friends are still in Dallas where we moved from over two years ago.) We briefly tried to become involved in a young marrieds group at the church we've been attending, but:
1. We were the only couple without children. I hate to say it, but the children/no-children gap is hard to bridge, at least when you're the only odd-ones-out. A group full of parents is naturally heavily focused on child-rearing, and we can't relate to that yet. And it's also a constant reminder of what I already feel that I'm missing out on. (I won't get into that right now, though:op )
2. Everyone was so stinkin' BUSY! Micah and I can be busy too...but we would love to make some time for fellowship if we knew where to find it!
Your mom's group idea sounds wonderful! I have less hopes for something like a SAHW's group however, because we're so few and far between. Like Mrs. B, I love the support I've found in that area here in blogland. That support has meant a lot to me! It lets me know I'm not alone.
I truly look forward to more discussion about all of this. I'd be so thankful for any ideas on how we could begin to change this sad state of things!
Thank you for this topic. I'm not a mom, but I can relate as well. I moved from one state to another a year ago, and my husband and I have yet to make any friends. If our old friend from Colorado had not happened to be here before us, I don't know what would have happened. (He was here about six months before us, and he had no friends either. He finally found a group of single guys to play in a band with, but that just happened, a year and a half after he moved here.) This is just weird to me, as I grew up in a military family and moved ALL time time and we always made friends. I guess it's just easier to make friends when you're a kid, or in an environment where everybody moves a lot. Most the people around us have lived here their whole entire lives. I feel like such an outsider. We go to functions,the library, have invited people from my husband and our friend's work over, gone to church,invited our neighbors over, etc, and no no dice. People here are very nice, but getting to know people has been hard. I had thought that maybe you needed to have kids to meet people, but I guess I may be wrong on that.
I can definitely relate to the loneliness. We moved several times the first few years of our marriage, and just never had time to find a group to click with. When we moved to our current home, I was almost scared to try to build friendships if we were just going to move again, but I slowly started getting to know some of the other women, especially the other young moms, and we realized we were all starved for some female friendships. We started a bible study once a month (with childcare) and a much more informal get-together for lunch once a week, either at someone's home, or a fast food place with a play area. I was suffering from really severe post-partum depression, and having some friends really helped get me through it. We have stopped getting together the last several months because two of the mom's starting working full time outside the home, and the other mom has her kids in preschool three times a week. We just went out to lunch again yesterday and it was such a blessing! I am praying that our friendships can continue to grow as our lives change... As our kids get closer to school age, I'm afraid that a gap will start to grow. We are the only ones planning on homeschooling, and the only ones who don't consider preschool practically a neccessity, etc. For those things I depend on the internet for support :-) I also have a really good friend from college who lives in another state. She is still unmarried, but is a great friend, and we try to talk at least once a week.
It's been really hard for me to realize that sometimes I do have to be the one to step outside of my comfort zone and pick up the phone and call, or invite someone over, or follow up on getting together.
To those who are struggling, just keep praying and being open to the oppurtunities God brings to you.
Melissa
Mommy to two beautiful girls: Makaylah (3) and Sophia (16 months)
I actually JUST posted on this - about 6 days ago. I talked about how I felt and what I did about it and how I'm not lonely anymore. Here's the link:
http://joybox.typepad.com/the_joy_box/2007/02/friends_and_fam.html
Wanted to share that this topic has sure been a lovely topic. It's nearing 7 years since we moved here from another state...and with me arriving with physical issues(spinal that can fatigue immensely at times with even minimal physical activity) that don't allow planned "outings and aboutings"(since moving here the experience has gone from being more seated or prone, sometimes sliding down a wall to sit on the floor in exhaustion with heart racing, to more hit-and-miss unexpected moments to take a ride in the car or venture into a small store for quick purchasing. Sometimes the envelope is really pushed toward a bigger goal though dues for such comes quickly enough and tempering is required to harness my mind when the body isn't willing so the family doesn't suffer even in my serving them. Yet, God's graciously morphed me into a half-full and overflowing glass type of girl that would rather focus on Him over the years to where this has been very positive in more ways than it has been half-empty and negative! Surely others might perceive that as a holier-than-thou attitude in the virtual world though admittedly in the real world I'm not what the Lord has for me to be in 10 years from now and gratefully not the same as 10 years ago. God is just too good to allow me to pity party too long when I do go there.).
You can count the number of friends I have been able to reach out to physically where we live now on one finger(2 other neighbors somewhat but they have family issues that keeps them time and energy consumed)...a wonderful Christian lady right next door God had lined up before we moved here. Mrs. B's sentiments match what God has graciously laid on my heart. There have been such wonderful visions in valley experiences when following the Lord and it's quite humbling how He blesses when He teaches us to simply focus on Him alone with obedience to His voice in whatever state He orchestrates. Such a gentle and loving Shepherd He is even in those rod and staff moments.
So off I go to share hope in the Lord with those that need Him(everyone yet when and how He leads)...God is so very good and it's all about Him and His glory. Have a lovely day in the Lord, ladies!
I may be the "odd woman out", but I do not feel any need to fellowship with other moms. I love to just spend time with my family, and if we were on a desert island and I had no other contacts, I would be just fine. If we are always looking to others to provide us with a sense of belonging, we are really looking in the wrong place. I think we can become too dependent upon others to fulfill our self-perceived "needs". We really just need God, and our husbands (and children if we are blessed with them). Debi Pearl's "Created" book makes reference to this topic, and does a good job of it. (I'm ducking right now to dodge the organically grown tomatoes that are probably being thrown at me!)
Valerie
I know what you mean about the loneliness!! Pretty much all my friends are online. I haven't met many "like-minded" people. I wish there was more for wives who AREN'T moms though.
We are in the place you describe-SO LONELY!
We have tried, and tried, and tried to make connections with people. Always inviting people to our house. You'd think a few would at least be interested in a free home-cooked meal. But it just feels like the Christians we know in real life have no concept of fellowship and relationship. It's church on Sunday, and a few formal programs, and they're just to busy for anything beyond that. :(
It's very frustring, both of us being from cultures where relationship and connection is so highly valued. I know there must be some fellowshiping types of people in southwestern PA. We just haven't found them yet. We did finally get a chance to connect with a local homeschooling support group which may turn up a few friends, but as our children are so young yet, we feel a little uncomfortable there!
Valerie: I completely understand where you are coming from and totally agree that our husband should be our best friend. One of the greatest blessings from our "lonely time" was that I developed a very close relationship with my husband. I also learned to look for the Lord for all I needed. No one else can truly fill up any emptiness I may feel in my heart.
I completely agree that we shouldn't be running to a fro from this ladies' group to that or that we should be so involved in other's lives that we forsake our own family. That's not what I'm talking about and I hope no one thought that's what I'm saying. I'm talking about the sense of community and support which I think is something God-honoring and Biblical. All throughout Scripture we read of bearing one another's burdens, etc.
I really feel that God didn't intend for all of us to live lives of isolation - that's why He created the Church. The sad thing is that in most churches, little fellowship and interacting in one another's lives is truly happening.
Most people have become so wrapped up in their own lives and busyness that they don't even know what true Christian fellowship is or the blessings which can come from it.
Anyway, just a clarification, incase someone may have misunderstood.
I can completly relate to this! When I got married almost ten years ago, I went through the same thing! Thankfully my husband and I are best friends, so that helped some. However, sometimes you just need another woman to talk to. I just went about being a homeschooling mom. I did not know of any groups in my area, so decided to just get my kids invloved in things on their own. I called a local gymnastics gym in my town, and found out they had a homeschooling class. I signed my kids up, and luckily met two ladies who I was able to click with.
But, I have found that if I just keep on keepin' on and do what I feel God has called me to do to the best of my abilities, he provides all my needs. Including friends!
I am going to step out from the lurking shadows to address christian women fellowship and children/family. My husband and I were feeling like we had no fellowship connection with other believers and frankly we began to pray about leaving our fellowship of 8 years. What the Lord showed us instead was reach out to His sheep and do not abandon them. After He so plainly said that, I started meeting new couples at church who felt the same way. My husband and I made a commitment to the Lord to stay and really reach out to people. It really has helped us tremendously. Also, I want to add that for a long time I prayed for a bosom friend and He did give me one, but it was not what I thought because I have learned to really go to my Lord and I spend alot of time praying and seeking Him during the day. My desire for this close intimate friend changed and I re-connected with God in that way. Not saying that I don't reach out and connect to other women (I hand out at my son's pre-school just to visit). Okay, I am a mother of 4 boys 5 and under and I get alot of support from my husband; that allows me to go and join MOPS, I volunteer at a crisis pregnancy center one day a week, I am involved in a bible study on Saturdays and every once in awhile, I will go and visit a friend. I also quilt and sew...Oh yeah I sell Discovery Toys too. How do I pack this all in? I plan, am organized and really try to make my family #1 so there are times when things are put on hold. Its all a balancing act but when I put God first He directs my steps and I am never alone.
God Bless,
Emily
I've been part of a "Quiet Harbor for Moms" group led by the pastor's wife of a local church. WE meet every other Thursday in the morning for a couple hours for prayer, discussion, doing crafts, etc. It has been such a nice time for me. We all sewed Advent calendars last Christmas.
Could I suggest that if you know any single women that you consider including them? They may not be interested but at least the offer would have been there. The reason I say this is that right now I'm in a position that, if you offered, I would accept. :) And I'm finding that it doesn't get offered very often. Just a thought. :)
One of the best things I did back when I was a new mom was start a mom's group. Basically, I kept finding other women that were first time moms, or pregnant moms, and I started collecting their phone numbers. I eventually called them and invited them to come to our humble little trailer home to meet. Some of them brought friends that they thought would be interested.
We ended up meeting regularly. I think weekly. Sometimes we had discussion topics and someone would kind of facilitate or teach something. We brought our babies and they just played together in the middle of the room. So many things I looked into (like Bible Studies) seemed to focus on people want to get away from their babies, which was not a need I had at that time.
Later we morphed into a play groups situation. Since we all lived in the same town, we got together two days a week. Two moms or more stayed together to watch all the kids at one house, and the other moms had a couple hours to get errands done or whatever. It was a really small group so there weren't very many children.
This arrangement allowed us to get time to hang out with an adult friend and share the childcare, plus we all got our turn for doing things without our child. It wasn't so much about "I've got to get away from this kid" so much as it was recognizing that some things were just really hard to do with babies along. It was only something like 2 hours, but for those errands where kiddos aren't easy to bring along, it helped.
I ended up with some very close friendships from that group, so I think it was a real success.
It was really easy to do and helped me since I was also totally new to my area, 12 hours away from family and friends, and alone in the journey of motherhood.
Another thing I would like to mention is that although it is wonderful and important for Christian fellowship, there are many opportunities for relationship building with non-Christian mothers as well.
For those that feel called to be missional in their regular life, why not seek out groups of mothers that may not be Christians? For years I attended La Leche League meetings where there were women from all sorts of backgrounds and spiritual paths and practices. Some of them had very negative ideas about Christianity. If you are a Christian that can truly love non-Christian people and manage to hang out with them in a way that fosters conversation, understanding, and sharing from the heart, great things can happen! Doors can be opened that otherwise would not.
If Jesus were a mommy, I bet he'd be looking for the lost moms to go hang out with. :)
Valerie,
I just read your post and wanted to comment on it. I think it is important for all of us to realize that the needs we have today are not necessarily the needs we will have next year. Needing or not needing something are not virtues, per se.
It is easy to get caught up in feeling that we have it together because we do not need something. It is easy to see others as weak or on a wrong path when they have needs we cannot identify with. Someday you might need that same thing, and badly!
When I had 1, 2, and 3 children I did not feel the need for a break from my children. I could not really identify with women who were always looking for things to do without their kids. I found Bible Study notices that said, "Need a break from the kids?!" to be very distasteful and upsetting.
Now I have six children, and in the journey between kids 1-3, and kids 4-6, my needs have changed. I do need breaks now. I do not loathe my children and want to run away from them :) but I do appreciate some time away to regroup, and I believe I am a better mother because of it.
I have seen people get prideful about whether or not they feel they need date nights for husband and wife. One camp with act like you're doing your family a disservice if you don't get away from the kids one night a week. The other camp with act like you're shallow, wasteful and don't love your kids if you don't get all the joy and couple time you need while sitting in the living room with all 8 of your kids on your lap. Neither group is right. It's ok to have date nights, it's ok not to. It's ok to address the needs as they come along in life and not make your need or lack thereof a pride issue.
God created Adam and fellowshipped with him in the most beautiful and perfect place on earth. And guess what? He said that it was not good for Adam to be alone. Interesting, isn't it, that God is saying that direct fellowship with Himself was still leaving Adam ALONE!
Yes, God did give Adam a wife at that point, and that is great. Many lonely times in life can draw a husband and wife together. However, not everybody enjoys a marriage relationship that was put together perfectly by God. Not everyone has a husband that is going to be their friend. It is not always possible for someone to be best friends with their spouse. You cannot legislate something like that.
Others have no children or extended family, so those possibilities are missing as well. I do not think it is reasonable to say that all we need is just our husband and children.
God has designed us for fellowship, and God's church is (ideally!) largely build on relationships. It is great that you find that right now with your immediate family. It may be very important for the season of life you are in right now. But later it may be very different, and you may crave friends like you crave air. The Holy Spirit may be using that felt need to propel you out of your family circle in order to be in another relationship that will be important in your life. Don't miss out! :)
I think I understand a little about what Valerie is talking about. I am not a big people person since I have had children. I am really busy and if I have company over it just makes me exhausted. However, I *do* get very lonely for Christian fellowship from normal Christians. I know that might sound funny, but the people at our church just seem to be *really* "out there." I don't mean to be insulting, but we don't have a lot in common with them and have different doctrinal beliefs. The only "friend" I have came over to talk about her troubled marriage and ask if I thought she was justified in divorcing him. What??? Other than that, no one else has invited us over or befriended us except the pastor and his wife which is the only reason we still go there. I am very thankful for the few blogs I read and will be forever grateful for finding them.
I am very content to be by myself, 99% of the time and just talk to my husband. My mom and sisters call me a lot, but they are busy with their lives. We all go to different churches, so we don't have that in common.
I will say that this winter has been tough this year. I am not really looking for fellowship, but I could use some help. LOL!
I think that different personalities have different needs. My husband is very outgoing and needs (I use that term loosely) others to be around, to encourage each other and just fellowship. I can take it or leave it most times, and then at other times, I get lonely too. It's the seasons of life combined with what type of person we are, I think. If we were all the same, intro vs. extroverts, there would be no balance.
Thanks for sharing this, Crystal. I'm a SAHW with a husband who works an average of 80 hours a week (an hour away) so I know quite a bit about loneliness. Thank you also for pointing out that being pregnant/having children doesn't automatically give you a lifetime membership in the "Mom Club" at church, in the neighborhood, etc. I am guilty of feeling "maybe once I FINALLY get pregnant...THEN I'll have more in common with more women". I know now that's not at all true.
Johanna
We are SO alike, it's creepy. :-)
I just moved here in August and have been trying to plug myself in and not get overwhelmed by the lonliness of a completely new atmosphere. The first thing I did was get involved in a woman's bible study on Wednesday mornings. Then came the couples study every other Friday. I came up with a weekly routine that got me out of the house even though I didn't have anyone to do anything with (besides my toddler). We go grocery shopping on Mondays, to the library for story time on Tuesdays, bible study is on Wednesdays, Thursdays we walk around the mall - making sure to stop in at the play center where I can talk to other moms and Olivia can play with other kids, Fridays I say home and clean, Saturdays are up in the air, and Sundays we go to church. I have found that has significantly helped me deal with my lonliness.
But it's just not the same. In college I had such sweet fellowship with the girls on my floor. We truly were like sisters. And to go from that to living amongst strangers? In an apartment complex that is made up mostly of non-native-English-speakers, no less. It was depressing. So I keep up with them via the internet and have successfully gotten addicted to the mommy blogs.
(By the way, I'm pretty sure I've commented on my weekly schedule at least once before, maybe more... so sorry for the repitition!)
Hi Crystal,
When my husband finished school and we moved to another town, we knew no one and had no family closer than 2 hours away. By this time, we had our first son and I was home most of the time. Oh, the loneliness... I walked through a very dark valley at that time. We found an adorable little church (30 people!) and I was looking for friends. Well, we were there for 4 years and I still didn't have a mommy-pal. Now I had three littles and not a lot of fellowship. I recall the loneliness like it was yesterday. We found a new church that has lots of families with young children. My oldest is now 11, going on 12 and I finally feel like I have found a mommy-pal for the fellowship and friendship I had been craving. I think somewhere deep inside each of us we need to connect with others of like mind and refresh, both ourselves and them, too. I find that when I reach out to others looking for fellowship for my selfish reasons, I don't find others looking for that fellowship. When I reach out to another with the offer of fellowship to encourage and uplift them, I am blessed with fellowship that encourages and lifts my spirits.
Incidentally, my mommy-pal and I are leading a small group on Sunday evenings at our church called Unfinished Projects. The premise is mommy time (with no kids), for fellowship and time to work on those unfinished projects we can never get to with littles around all the time. It has been a tremendous blessing to me!
Thank you for your post. Its nice to hear that I'm not the only one who longs for the support of other moms. Our family moved to a new area 5 years ago and we still have no close ties. Our church is small but the members all seem too busy to come over and visit. I tried inviting the Pastors wife over for coffee but she too is "very busy these days". Christian fellowship seems not to be a priority in anyones lives. I recently started a knitting group at my home and I hope this will help get the ladies at our church involved in eachothers lives a little bit more. I tried explaining this to our Pastors wife, its not about the knitting. Its about supporting and encouraging one another.
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