Rethinking the gift of singleness
Kara has posted a fascinating review of a book I've heard a lot about and never read myself, Getting Serious About Getting Married.
Another to add to my reading list for sure. It sounds rather counter-cultural. Just my kind of book!
Another to add to my reading list for sure. It sounds rather counter-cultural. Just my kind of book!
posted by Crystal Paine at 11:16 AM
7 Comments:
I admit I haven't read this entire book (though I read some excerpts online). I do believe that *most* people are meant to get married. However, I also believe some people are meant to stay single for life, usually, in my church, by becoming a priest or nun. Both marriage and the religious life are considered “vocations” in the Catholic church, and one is not better than the other. It *is* easier to serve God in certain ways by staying single. It’s hard to travel to Africa to help poor people if you have a family (though not everyone is called to do this, of course, and one can serve God just as well by having a family. It all depends on the individual’s calling.) It seems like the author of this book is denigrating one vocation. There are also many examples of people in the Bible who were celibate (like Paul, and, of course, Jesus.)
That being said, I would agree that young people need to “get serious,” not just about marriage, but about their vocation, whatever that might be, from an early age. From the teen years, young people should be praying and discerning God’s will for their life. If everyone did this, I think we would definitely see a trend towards more people marrying younger, but we would also see a trend towards more young Catholics becoming priest and nuns. (I married young myself, for this day and age – at age 23). Yes, a lot of young people are not trying to discern God’s will for their lives and are spending their single years just having fun, but this does not mean everyone is meant to be married or that being married is somehow better than being single.
I will be adding this to my reading list as well. On this topic, I was wondering if I could solicit some advice from anyone - I have a friend who recently, by the grace of God, overcame a very serious drug addiction that she has kept hidden for years. She was saved by the Lord and is now a self-professed Christian. However, she is now struggling with this very drastic life change that God is calling her to. Needless to say, her life was very Godless before. She recently got back from a missionary trip to Indonesia, and is very passionate about doing more missionary work, including adopting a child in perhaps a few years (She is now 24 years old). However, she doesn't see herself getting married. She is also struggling with wanting to go out and have fun - not wanting to do drugs again, but just go out dancing or something. However, she feels guilty in light of her new lifestyle. Anyway, I'm sorry this has been so long, but I truly appreciate anyone reading this, your prayers, and if possible, your advice. I know this can be a difficult thing to understand for many conservative people (myself included), but if anyone has anything to add, I would be so thankful.
Dear Crystal,
How does one know one's calling? My heart is aching for marriage and children, but what if God, in His infinite wisdom, decides this is not the path for me, and I will remain single for the rest of my life? What will I do? How will I contribute then? I'm 21 now, and being single will only get worse as years go by.
What strategy did you follow while looking for a husband?
Hi Anna,
I'm not Crystal but I thought I'd answer your question about how you "find" a husband and how to look. The short answer for me was I joined the choir! I love music and sensed God calling me to join my church's choir. I was reluctant at first but I finally obeyed. (I didn't know at the time, of course, but God had been telling my future husband to also join and he did the week before I did.) About a month later, this very nice man (who I'd noticed in choir! And thought he was cute!) followed me out to the parking lot after church and introduced himself to me. We were married a year and 3 days later.
I believe what God showed me from my experience is that He WILL guide us the way He wants us to go; all we have to do is take the next step He assigns us. He didn't tell me "Johanna,join the choir; you'll meet your soulmate and be married in a year." He said..."Johanna, join the choir." I'm sure we would have met at some point b/c Keith was the one God set aside for me. That wasn't going to change based on my disobedience. (Yes, I'm a complete believer in God's absolute sovereignty!) But it may have been much later. I may have gone down paths I didn't need to (I'd had bad, unhealthy dating relationships.). I absolutely believe that, if it is the Lord's will you marry, He will bring that man your way in His perfect timing. I know you may get tired of hearing this--I certainly did when I was single! I'm not advocating sitting at home and waiting for "THE GUY" to knock on your door selling magazines or something. :) I'm just saying to "do the next thing" as Elisabeth Elliot says. Do the next thing God requires of you, whether it's joining a ministry at church, serving in some area, going on a mission trip, etc. If you see a man that catches your eye, PRAY. Keith caught my eye right away. And I prayed and prayed. I was tired of the world's way of doing things. I was determined that, if God wanted us together, Keith would initiate. And he did. :)
I hope this helps. I will pray for you, Anna, that God would give you His wisdom in this very important area of your life!
Johanna
It sounds interesting! I do think that many women marry that should not marry, because that is the thing to do. I don't think it should be abnormal to be unmarried. There are many verses in the bible that seem to say how you should be content in whatever state you are in. I am content to be married, but if I went back and realized it was not wrong to be unmarried, I think I would have made a different choice.
Crystal,
As you know, I have a lot to say on this subject. Unlike Maken, I am a fan of keeping things simple, particularly when dealing with something as serious as Christian vocation, and particularly when we have clear Biblical guidance on point- and with regard to the virtues of marriage/singleness, we do indeed have clear guidance.
We have Paul responding specifically to this issue in I corinthians 7: each person has his own gift, and "it is GOOD for a person not to marry...(because) an unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord's affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit," etc. This clear passage does NOT permit Maken to get away with asserting that "the belief that remaining single is legitimate and godly is a work of the devil." Her assertion is outrageous.
Better yet, we have Christ responding to this exact issue raised by His disciples in Matthew 19: "the disciples said to him, "If this is the situation between a husband and wife, it is better not to marry." Jesus replied, "Not everyone can accept this word, but only those to whom it has been given. For some are eunuchs because they were born that way; others were made that way by men; and others have renounced marriage because of the kingdom of heaven. The one who can accept this should accept it." (Matthew 19:10-12)Again, this clear passage from our Lord Himself does NOT permit Maken to get away with asserting that "the belief that remaining single is legitimate and godly is a work of the devil."
Arrrgh. As a single woman, I really look forward to marriage someday, if this is God's will. In the interim, it is my duty to flourish in and even enjoy my current VOCATION as a single woman to the uttmost. It's a vibrant, blessed calling of joy, surrender, and fruitfulness on this side too- and I know this because the Bible tells me so- with great clarity.
Dear Johanna, thank you for your kind words. I AM trying to lead a fruitful, joyful life and be contented. Who would want a grumpy, bitter woman anyway?
I don't mind waiting so much. But the perspective of actually spending my whole life as a single is frightening. Never having children, never experiencing a loving touch!.. I'm an only daughter so I won't even be an aunt.
I will be praying for strength to follow God's calling, whether it's marriage or singleness.
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