We've lost sight of the incredible potential of young women
I occasionally touch on the issue of college not to get a rise out of people, though, but to make them think through some of the implications of the idea that it is a route that everyone needs to pursue to be well-educated and prepared for life, particularly for daughters who will typically be (as they should in most cases) following a calling that centers on home and family.I used our family as an example of the negative reaction to marriage and motherhood as a goal for a godly young woman. As Dave Barry says, I am not making this up. Doing so has only confirmed my point...as I am told that I am anti-education and only want to encourage my daughter to sit around the house waiting for Prince Charming, and once again the life of keeper at home is portrayed as a lesser "choice" among many superior alternatives available to young women today. If I mention that at this season of my life, without a college degree, I have in the past year edited several books; written magazine articles; been interviewed on the radio, for a film, and for a CD about my views on various topics; and written hundreds of posts on this blog about wide-ranging subjects such as politics, science, culture, feminism, and literature...some will be impressed and others confirmed in their view that I am "dangerous" for articulately defending my perspective on biblical womanhood. But if I don't mention those things and instead say that homeschooling my children daily, serving my husband, ministering to others in my church and neighborhood, making my home a haven for my family and a place of hospitality...that all those pursuits are enough and more for me to serve God in the calling He has given me, I am caricatured as sitting at home and doing "nothing" with my life.
The picture of godly womanhood I am trying to portray is countercultural, therefore, controversial, even among Christians who have marinated in cultural egalitarianism for too long. But let's get something straight: I am not portraying a life that is downtrodden and detached from one's intellect. I am hoping to restore some dignity to what I believe is the highest calling for a woman (unless God sovereignly bestows the gift of chastity on her, a rare occurence, not the norm), a role that is consistently demeaned in our culture, even in the church. Again I say: family life is not mundane. There are a myriad of ways women (single and married) can creatively serve God from their homes. I prefer to think outside the box. Let's not assume I'm trying to put women into a box, when I am actually trying to release them from it and give some alternatives to the typical path.
And don't miss the wonderful thread of comments here.
Every time I post something questioning whether college should be the norm, I'm amazed at the number of naysayers. I'm also amazed at how much we've bought into the world's methodology when it comes to education and the role of women in general. I posted the below comment this past week to one who was saying it was not sensible to "stay home and help mom":
Anonymous, I think you are missing the point. It is not just a life of "staying home and helping mom" that I am talking about, though that may very well be what God calls many young women to. There is SO MUCH MORE out there that girls can do and it doesn't require a college education or going away to work full-time in a ministry for girls to do great and mighty things for the Lord. For each young woman who is truly seeking the Lord with her life, it will look different, but one thing will remain the same - we don't need to follow the world's methods to accomplish God's means.
I lived at home until I was married and I most certainly helped around the house and with my younger siblings a lot, but I also did many other things - taught violin, studied violin, played in an orchestra, got my paralegal certification, worked as a mother's helper, worked at a Christian tea room, published a newsletter for young women, helped my grandparents, made meals for families in our church, was very politically active, wrote many letters to hurting people all over, read and studied extensively, and so on and so forth.
I'm not saying this to put myself up on any pedastal, I am saying this to make the point that just because I lived at home did not mean I was chained to the kitchen sink - just as now that I am a wife and mom, I'm not chained to my kitchen sink either. There is so much potential for young women - so many needs right in our own homes, our families, our extended families, our neighbors, our churches, our communities. Just because a young woman doesn't go to college does not in any way mean she leads a dull and meaningless life. Quite the contrary!
I think we have so lost sight in the Christian community of the great and incredible potential of young women.
posted by Crystal Paine at 8:45 PM
19 Comments:
Crystal,
Your post really hits home. I have been at a crossroads regarding a career, what path I should take. You have influenced me to pursue a more traditional calling. I have learned alot since reading your blog. I am better at cooking, taking care of my apartment and have learned what qualities to look for in a future spouse. We live in a rat race culture, a backwards one where women are expected to do it all. To be chief, cook, and bottle washer. It does not work. Women are made a certain way for a reason. Running the roads, flying the office desk, etc, etc. are too stressful and harmful for women when their homes are in an uproar and they never see their kids. Moms at home are replaced with Daycares. Homecooked meals are replaced by microwaveables. And sadly, marriage is replaced by going it alone. The truth hurts. I am currently going to college part-time and fortunately I have not been exposed to too much trash (minus the campus TV) but I recommend young women to learn how to cook, manage money, respect others, love God, and if they want to go to college-learn online under the counsel of their parents. Enough said.
Dear Crystal,
Thank you for your post. I have a few questions - and please know that they are meant in the spirit of genuine inquiry, and not as a mean-spirited attack. I completely agree that someone who stays at home has the potential to do an incredible amount of ministering, caretaking, etc. I am wondering if you think it would be right for a stay at home daughter, wife, or mother to spend regular time (maybe even enough time to constitute a part-time "job") volunteering outside the home at a food bank, an urban public school, a homeless shelter, etc.? I do think that it's incredibly important to love and take care of your own children, but I often feel that means we neglect the poorest of the poor, those who need our help more than anyone.
Also, I know that it is possible to educate yourself in the liberal arts from home (or from online classes, etc.), but I do not believe this is possible with regards to the higher sciences. For that, you need lab equipment and constant interchange of ideas between trained professors and hardworking students. Would it be wrong for a girl to become a professional scientist, then, or to pursue her scientific/mathematical interests in a post-university, official lab/workplace setting? In another post, you listed all the fulfilling, beneficial activities you pursued from home - but I assume those activities also lined up with what your personal interests were to begin with. What about girls and women who have an interest in scientific and mathematical inquiry, interest which are more difficult (if not impossible) to accurately pursue from home?
Thank you for your consideration of my questions!
I just want to know what it is specifically about college....why not skip the high school or jr. high education? I do not mean that sarcastically at all - I just wondered what the logic is behind approving the K-12 education?
Hello, I have a question. What if your husband dies and you have not gone to college? How do you make a living? Or if he decides to leave his family? I read the article about the church helping widows and orphans, but not necessarily divorcees and abandoned women....and not all churches do help widows. What do you DO if you are left alone to care for your family? Scurry to college at that point? Supporting an entire family is a lot of work...and I have seen in my life many women who thought their husbands would 'never do that' and did that...so, what do you recommend these women do to be prepared to support their entire family in this worst case scenario?
Are you completely against women attending college? As much as I agree with all of you, I'm not ready to say that going to college is completely out of the question. So much of what I learned in my bible classes in college (dialoguing in class that wouldn't have taken place at home or on an online class) has prepared me to be the pastor's wife that I am today. I didn't graduate (got married and had babies before I finished) but I wouldn't trade the training I gained there. Not to mention the incredible home ec. degree programs at some colleges. I guess I'm also thinking of girls that don't have the mom, dad, and home life that some of us had. The ministry of other women (college teachers) can be a huge blessing in their lives.
I'd be interested in hearing more specifically on the topic of women attending college. Again, I agree with you that being a worker at home is God's plan but I'm not sure we can look down on girls that choose to grow a little through a university. What are your thoughts, Crystal?
Interesting post, Just a Quick Question.
Isn't becoming a paralegal college training in order to obtain ?. (even though they may not be able to practice law they are able to work under a layers supervision) basically you are able to be your husband's paralegal
assistant at home?
Forgive me, I don't follow
I think that one reason why this topic "hits home" is that it is difficult to admit that we were wrong. We didn't ask God for His wisdom or what was best. Thus, we morn the lost time and the years that could have been spent at our "mother's feet of wisdom" (and all that money we spent on our college degree!) But God is good, and allows us to begin again where we got off track. It is so very important to consult our all knowing God before we make any decisions! His way is always best!
Ruth, PA
Dear Crystal,
Thank you for posting this link. I am now a forty-two year old housewife and mother of two, but not so long ago I was an Army officer and then a career woman in a field with very few women. I was raised to look upon "women's work" with contempt--my Mom and stepdad strongly encouraged to have a career and avoid marriage and family. It wasn't until my oldest child was born and I decided to stay home to raise him that I began to understood what I had lost in scorning traditional, biblical womanhood. I spent many years in the workforce struggling with overwhelming depression. It is only in the past year that I finally acknowledged that my depression and unhappiness came from forcing myself to be someone I wasn't. As a little girl, I loved dolls, and cooking, and sewing and always dreamed of being a mom. As an adult, I finally achieved happiness when I accepted my true character and calling in life. Thank you for encouraging women to value the role that God calls them to. It is a great service to women like me who are "recovering"feminists!Mrs G
Good post, Shannon. I agree with you completely. I too am in school, but full time, and have actually learned that I am better at taking care of my apartment, etc., as well. However, I have been in a relationship for five years, since before I became a Christian, and I love him with all my heart, but we are struggling with the subject of marriage. He is a year younger than me (I am 24), and is very worried about money, because he is starting his own business. He has all the wonderful qualities of a good spouse, but the unsureness of our future has been making it hard for us to pursue the godly calling of marriage. I too recommend young women to remember that it is just as important in college to learn the essentials of homemaking, and not get so caught up in thier studies that the home is forgotten.
You know, it's really funny to me that feminism set out to give women a "choice", but I don't think that was ever really the intent. . . Instead of allowing women the freedom to choose and enjoy many options, we simply substituted motherhood for an alternative. And any time a women does not want that alternate, that "new normal", we react. Boy do we all react!
I was not in a situation to choose to stay home after high school, and I understand now that this was just part of God's sovereign will for my life. But while I have gone another path, I appreciate the flexibility that women should have to forge their own paths, in accordance with their own conscience and in the freedom granted through Christ!
I went to college and have an undergraduate as well as a graduate degree. I'm single now and recognize that may be God's will for my life. But despite being college educated, that doesn't mean that I am not still a homemaker, and joyfully bound by the same scriptural mandates as those women who are still in their parents' home, or who are married. We are all called to be workers at home in whatever stage God has placed us. I work outside my home, but I also work very hard now to make sure my home is a haven for those who visit, a tool for serving others, and a place of ministry recognizing it as a gift from God to ultimately be used to serve Him and His church.
For all women out there, young and old, married and single, I encourage you to gladly embrace all of the joys of biblical womanhood that God has called you to- spending more time delighting in these gracious gifts than criticizing them!
Hey there Crystal,
First off, I would just like to say a wholehearted thank you and well done for your amazing site! Your blog and articles and other various things have inspired me so much as a young Christian woman.
And secondly, amen! I completely agree with what you write in this post. I am currently in my final year of university, but all I truly want to to is be is a wife, mother and homemaker. There are so many pressures and expectations on me now to pursue a full-time career now that I have a degree (almost), lest it "go to waste".
Now of course, having lived out of home for nearly 3 years and having made this city of my university my home, there are rent and bills to pay, and so of course I do need to work. But I have no interest in "getting on the career ladder" in attempt to climb it, as if that were the only way to be successful and make something of my life.
Personally, I just want to do work that I enjoy - which at the moment is running my own online accessories business - that will be enough to pay my way. But when I get married, I would happily give it all up (or keep it as a part-time thing as it is now) and focus on working at being a wife and homemaker, and later a mother hopefully as well.
It really does anger me that the Church has been led by the world's ways in these areas - leading Christians to undervalue and underappreciate the glorious roles of wife, mother and homemaker. I am so glad there are people like you Crystal who are contending for the honour of working in the home! God bless you :).
In His care,
Emily
http://unfurlingflower.wordpress.com
Oh and I forgot to say, there are many things I would love to do in my life - particularly teaching, writing books, getting involved in women's ministry, learn about a variety of subjects (such as some basic Hebrew & Greek, diet & nutrition, investing, etc). But I want to do this all with my home as my ultimate priority. And, my aim is to use these things I want to do for the benefit of my family when I have one; I would want to use my teaching skills to homeschool my future children, to use the money I'd make from writing to go into a savings account for family needs, to use my home as a place of hospitality for women's ministries, to use my knowledge of Scripture to build up my family, to use any knowledge of diet & nutrition and finances for the benefit of my family, and so on!
In His care,
Emily
The Things We Say: No, I'm not of the opinion that college is always wrong for all young women. However, I am of the opinion that it is not something to be lightly considered or a road to be quickly jumped on without much serious thought and prayer. Here's my response to Laura who posted on an earlier post this week on the subject:
I'm not of the opinion that college is always wrong for all girls. However, I do think that all young people need to very carefully and prayerfully consider (along with their parents!) college and the pros and cons before just jumping headfirst into it. I think that just going to college for "going to college's sake" is very unwise. Like you turn 18 and don't know what else to do, so I guess college is just the next step.
If a family has sought the Lord and thought through all the options and determined what the end goal and purpose is and college is how the Lord is directing them, go for it. But, as a young person going to college, I strongly encourage you to make sure to hold everything up to the light of Scripture, to not be afraid to stand alone, to surround yourself with Godly mentors, to stay under the direction and blessing of your parents, and to be really picky in your friendships and social activities. I'd also highly recommend that you live at home, if at all possible, and that you stay active in a good church and in ministry opportunities. I think it is much easier to pick up on the "me-me-me" mentality if you are locked into the college bubble which surrounds you and your social life. And talk to your parents and wise older people about what you are learning. Don't just blindly believe whatever you are told by a professor. And finally, if at all possible, stay out of debt. I don't know how many couples I know where the wife has to work or has had to work or where they are in very difficult financial times due to student loans. Avoid them like the plague.
Catherine: I'm currently working on an audio on that very subject - the incredible potential for women from home. Stay tuned for more on that.
I think there is definitely a time and place for volunteering, however, as with anything like that, we need to be careful that we are not neglecting our own home and family to do so. If we lose our family while "saving the world," we have missed the mark.
I encourage women who have young children to look for opportunities which they can do from home or opportunities which they can do with their children. Perhaps you could purchase food for a needy family and take it directly to them. Or hold a bake sale in your front yard and send the proceeds to a mission work. Or minister to the elderly neighbors next door. There are needs all around us and just by looking for needs right under our noses, we'll find more than we could probably ever be able to fill! Involve your children in serving with you. Neglecting them for the sake of serving others never glorifies the Lord.
Concerning your second question - I think I somewhat answered that in my comment above. Each situation will be different and I can't speak to each situation, but I can say that we need to hold everything up to the light of Scripture, seek wise counsel from others, and most of all, pray, pray, pray.
Anonymous: I believe it is the parent's responsibility to educate their children from K-12. I believe we see that clearly from Scripture (take Deut. 6 for example). I don't believe that sending a child off at a young age to be indoctrinated by the Godless, humanistic philosophies currently to be found in our government education system is a good or God-honoring thing. So, in answer to your question - it's not just college I have a problem with. :)
Sunny: How big is your God? Is He big enough to be trusted that if your husband leaves you or dies, you can trust Him to take care of you if you have followed His will? My God is that big.
We need to stop planning our life around "what ifs" and just living abandoned to God. If He calls us to something, He will provide for us.
Anonymous: Like I said previously, I'm not against all college and anyone who reads this blog for any length of time will know that. (See above comment to The Things We Say). In my case, I spent one year getting my paralegal certification from Oak Brook College of Law (a Christian correspondence law school) when I knew I was going to be marrying Jesse. Having this training has allowed me to better understand "legalese" to be able to converse with him and help him with his studies.
By the way, for anyone who is interested in more of my thoughts on this subject and college in general - I highly recommend reading my book, Handmaidens of the Lord. You might not agree with all of it, but I hope it will challenge you to think outside the box - to the glory of God!
I did not go to college, not really because I thinkwomen shouldn't, but because my parents did not want me to. I got married after I graduated from high school and I have done alot of things even while being a SAHM.
I think there are reasons, real reasons a woman may have to work outside of their home and we should not judge someone for saying that training in order to make a living if something happens to their husband is not trusting God. in my own life and my sisters life the unthinkable has happened and it is much harder to go to college after you have children than before. You do not really have to have a 4 year degree, You can get several cetificates/2 year degrees at local community colleges cheaply and without the regular "college" feel.
I still have not gone to college, someday I actually hope to as I love learning and would love to learn more.
My mom has been a SAHM for all of our life and has in the past few years trained as a midwife. I think volunteer work is great, especially if you can use this to use in your daily life or even bring your children. My mom and my sisters volunteered at a food pantry growing up. Some of us volunteered at a local nursing home. My sisters took trays to people and I did an chair exercise program once a week. I volunteered on a local ambulance and got excellent emergency training, with 4 boys, it has been helpful!
I've had people ask me the question of "what if something were to happen to DH?". And also, "It's okay to be a housewife, but you should at least go to college so you have interesting things to talk about".
Who knows, maybe someday I will choose/have to go back to college but I shouldn't go now out of fear of the "what-ifs". I would want to be there for the right reasons. I can't imagine telling my husband that I wanted to go back to school because I'm afraid he's going to leave me someday.
Sin= anything done outside of faith in God. I know that life can be extrememly difficult at times, but God is there through it all.
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