There is a better way
There's been a lot of talk in the blogosphere and elsewhere about a certain woman who wrote a certain book recently on - surprise, surprise - how stay at home moms are giving up so much, too much according to this author. I guess she decided to ride on Linda Hirschman's coat tails.
From Booklist:
Many well-educated American women are giving up the struggle to balance career and motherhood and making the "willfully retrograde choice" of relying on men to support them and their children, Bennetts maintains. Financial dependency can jeopardize women's futures and those of their children, she warns. Drawing on interviews with hundreds of women as well as sociologists, economists, legal scholars, and other experts, Bennetts lays out the dangers of giving up careers. She looks at how new divorce laws have altered alimony, reducing the likelihood of a lifetime guarantee of support for stay-at-home mothers after divorce. She details the impact of a loss of income on medical and retirement benefits and weighs it against lifelong financial needs. Bennetts encourages women to consider a "fifteen-year paradigm," viewing their lives beyond the years of motherhood and asking themselves what they want from life when their children are grown and gone. Allowing women to tell their own stories of economic abandonment, Bennetts presents a cautionary tale for women pondering giving up economic independence.In a sense, when I read about books like this, it infuriates me. For one, do people forget that it's thanks to feminism we have no-fault divorce laws in the first place? And secondly, choosing to be a full-time mommy is not a career instead it's deemed a "willingfully retrograde choice"?
On the other hand, though, I'm not a bit surprised. The feminist mentality which says, "It's all about me" (which, if you think about it, is at the root of everything feminism is about), is only going to denigrate moms who are selflessly giving of themselves to train and raise the next generation. Being a full-time mommy means you do give up something - you give up your life - and that flies in the face of feminism.
A friend of mine wisely noted recently that there is always talk about how much women are giving up to stay home with their children. No one ever seems to realize that the husbands of these wives give up a whole lot, too. They often put in long hours, live with less "stuff", and shoulder a lot of responsibility. Both husband and wife make mutual sacrifices because they realize there is something worth living for that is much greater than all the money and glitter the world has to offer - the precious souls of their children.
However, contrary to what women like Bennetts might want you to believe, just because a woman chooses to stay at home does not mean she is checking her brain at the door and opting to be a doormat. That couldn't be further from the truth - at least in the cases of the Christian wives and moms I know who stay home. The husband is just as dependent upon the wife as the wife is upon the husband. She needs him, he needs her. It's a team effort. That's what Scripture calls "one flesh."
You know what else I see in these Christian marriages? The husband and wife trust each other. I think that is something which is sorely lacking in our fast-food, instant everything, disposable culture. We've lost trust in other people. Many marriages today begin with prenuptial agreements because it's almost a given that the marriage won't last. And with the divorce rate at over 50%, it's no wonder. When I married my husband and he said, "till death do us part," he meant it. I don't have to live in fear and worry about "what ifs." I know he is here to stay.
The sad reality is that many today do not know what a Godly marriage is. They've never seen a husband, like mine, who is laying down his life continually for his wife and family. They don't believe a good and healthy marriage is even possible. And so that's often why books like this are written. It's not just that we've lost sight of what it means to be a parent (i.e. that you take personal responsibility for the welfare of your own children), we've lost sight of the whole basis of healthy family life. Many today don't even have a clue what a real family is like.
As Christians, we need to set an example for the world. Marriage was ordained by God to be a picture of Christ and the Church. What kind of picture are you giving to the world? There is a lot of darkness, sadness, and despair in the world around us, but God's light through our lives can pentrate the deepest blackness.
Being selfless and laying down your life for your husband and children does not have to be a "willingfully retrograde choice." Let's show the world - through our marriages and our families - that there is a better way.
Graphic from AllPosters.com
posted by Crystal Paine at 1:30 PM
15 Comments:
As a woman who has made the ... um... retrograde decision to return home, I have a couple things to say!
1. I did not quit my job just to come home for children, I quit before I was pregnant, I quit to be here for my family!
2. I did not check my brain at the door! At my husband's urging I worked towards a Graduate Certificate in Christian Ministry which I undertook with the blessing of my husband knowing that I would use it one day to bless our children (not that this is required! I did not grow up in a solid Christian family and needed help, and this was clearly God's leading for me, and I could do it from home!)
3. My education and work experience are not a waste! I am a professionally trained planner! My degree is a Commerce degree with a major in operations research and management. I am trained to manage an entire supply chain for materials and to organize production floors. My family business was a hotel which I could manage single handedly. This experience has blessed my family as I manage our home! And yes, I do use a spreadsheet to plan our meals! :-)
Because of my training I can bless my family in special ways. Rather that using my training to bless a company, I bless my family.
And I look forward to how the Lord will use this special planning to be help other women who need help in the organization and planning areas!
I threw away nothing when I left my job except a lot of headaches and disappointment, and gained everything when I left.
I love how I am able to bless my husband and daughter by being home each day!
Look, I don't live my life to see how I can benefit "the sisters." I live my life to please the Lord and my family. I don't give a hoot what these women say. My children come first and I am going to be here for them. When my children are grown, then "the sisters" can judge my decision to stay home and see whether or not it was the "right" decision by seeing how my kids turned out compared to their own children. I have a feeling their kids will be working for my boys.
I really think these feminists need to mind there own business. I think they are scared that so many women are choosing family over careers. Crazy mothers. *rolls eyes*
You are totally right about the sacrfices of the husband's of SAHW/M's. I think that my husband has sacrificed more than I have because he has to work long crazy hours. He does this for ME and his children. He trusts his children with ME rather than DAYCARE providers. Isn't he a horrible crazy man? *add the appropriate amount of sarcasm*
Sorry, but these women who would rather spend the day building their careers than at home with THEIR own children need therapy. That thinking goes against nature.
This is probably the same woman I saw being interviewed on the Today show earlier this week. She's using fear as a motivator, and unfortunately that often works.
The feminists like to twist truths and traditions and make good look evil and evil appear good. There is nowhere in the bible that says a woman should not be educated or earn money. The feminists have went wayyyyy left with their ideas. When Paul said he considered worldly things rubbish, could he have been referring to feminism?
I just dont get why anyone would have children just to feed them breakfast, send them off, come home to feed them dinner and put them to bed. I tried going back to school after my first. I cried in the washroom I missed her so much.
As for those who want to be things, remember mother's will always be nurses, teachers, chefs, planning co-ordinators...just about anything you can think of that is a common job, a mother is required to do that.
I believe one of the major problems as to why children have gone bad is no one is there to watch them. We expect others, who dont even love our kids, to raise them and wonder why they mess up.
I totally agree! Much of the world has a very disfunctional view of marriage largely because they do not focus their life around God.
What we should look at is how much working women give up to work! Really, I think it's much more than I "give" up by staying home.
I also often wonder why it's acceptable to pay someone to come watch our children but not ok to do it ourselves...seems really dumb to me!
hmmmm, retrograde? How special. How about foundational and ideal? How about normal? I cleaned up links yesterday; this post stands in stark contrast to the evolutionary process of feminism: the belief of having climbed to the top of a mountain while beating the chest gleefully in victory only to find, with hindsight, real life was looked at upside down. The end result? Sadly ~ many, many regrets.
God's plan for the home ~ family members
Great blog and posts, Chrystal!!!!Keep speaking up for God's best plan for the family!
Ruth, PA
Crystal, thank you for this post. I agree with you especially strongly about the world needing examples (many examples!) of godly families who stick together as a team in better and worse times, for a lifetime, and not until the next better choice comes along. I'm not saying divorce, sickness, death and any kind of horrible thing can't happen. But should this be the primary scenario we plan for? Or do we plan according to the way things SHOULD be done? No one starts a school or career thinking they are going to be a failure. It's a destructive attitude! Why do it to our marriages?
Blessings to you!
Crystal, Thanks again for another great post that really spoke to my heart. Alot of my extended family are not walking with the Lord and think I'm crazy to willing opt to be a stay at home mom. They seem to think that my husband (who is awesome by the way!) is taking advantage of me, being controlling, etc. what they don't realize is that, like you pointed out, HE is also giving up alot and working hard so that I can be with our children and manage the home. We don't have many "toys" and can't go on expensive vacations. We can't just jump in the car and go on a hot date by ourselves any time we feel like it. But those things certainly pale in comparison to our children! When I look into their eyes I see my husband, as they are both mirror images of him, and my heart is full as the realization of the powerful role I have as a mommy hits me full force again.
We as Christians need to keep the definition of marriage holy and wholesome and between a man and a woman. I just read where Disneyworld is promoting "gay marriages to be performed there now. WE should boycott them since the bottom line is money for them. Too much is being pushed at us and our children.
Yes and amen! The premise of the book is ridiculous and annoying.
Actually, as I've thought about this, I don't see much risk at all to me as a woman, staying at home. Of course, I haven't left a high-paying, high-power career to do so, but if I absolutely had to go back to work, I'd have no problem finding a job and making enough to feed us.
If anything, my husband has taken on the bulk of the risk and the responsibility. Working long hours, pouring money into raising his family, not expecting me to "contribute" with a paycheck, and making sure we are debt free. I say he has a much, much harder job!
So agree with others here. I do my best by my children. I had a career outside the home as a probation and parole officer, but when my son needed me home, I came home for him. I decide what's best for my children, so what others have to say about that means nothing.
Praise god that there are so many of us "retrogrades" that even the feminists have had to stand and take notice.
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