Reaching out to the hurting
The subject of grief and loss has been on my mind much this past week as little Marielle's earthly life was slipping away from her. One thing I've especially been pondering is how God would have me reach out to this family in their grief. For those, like me, who have never been through something like this before, it is hard to know how to respond, how to reach out, how to show how much you love them, how much you care.
It's often much easier to rejoice with those who are rejoicing, than to weep with those who are weeping. Words are inadequate. The pain is so deep. The loss is so great. You don't want to in anyway cause further pain by saying or doing the wrong thing. Yet, you want to do something.
How do you minister to a family who has experienced great loss - like the loss of a young child? For those who have been there, I would so appreciate hearing from you. What can those of us who haven't experienced this kind of pain do to in some way comfort, reach out, and minister to those who are hurting so deeply? Any thoughts or personal experiences would be much appreciated. There are hurting people all around us and sometimes I think we don't reach out because we don't know how to reach out.
posted by Crystal Paine at 1:49 PM
30 Comments:
Crystal,
My heart goes out to this family.
I dealt with a similar issue at my blog a few weeks ago, and got some very helpful insights and suggestions from various commentors, including some pastors- "What to say at a funeral:" http://vocatum.blogspot.com/2007/04/what-do-you-say-at-funeral.html.
Ive been struck by how grieving people so often just want your silent presence by their side. It is so comforting to know that someone is willing just to BE with you when you are hurting.
My only child died 6 years ago. I hated it because everything and everybody went back to life as usual. They were scared to mention my child's name or bring up the subject. They didn't want to remind me of my loss, but it is still on my mind everyday. I wanted so much to hear from his friends the memories they had, the special things they remember and the fun times they had. I didn't want him to be forgotten. Receiving little gifts from his friends that had his picture on it or a note sharing a funny memory really touched my heart. A Christmas ornament with his picture, a calendar with pictures of him and his friends on each month, a card on the anniversary of his death. Each of these reminded me of his life and that he was remembered and loved. A donation made in memory of my son also meant a lot to me. Hope this helps.
Joan
Sometimes its not just what do you say, rather what can you do? Bring food, mow thier lawn, clean thier house, take the other kids out for something fun to do in a few weeks. Just taking the day to day burden away to give them room to grieve and breathe. I am no expert but the act of giving of yourself speaks louder than words. I am very sorry to hear of your friends loss.
Crystal,
I thank you for bringing up this topic considering your friend's deep loss.
I think the biggest #1 mistake people make is DOING NOTHING.
You hit the nail on the head when you mention people don't always know what to say or to do - and often with that feeling they will do nothing, thinking that is the best thing.
But to put yourself in that person's shoes, you can feel that you would not want to be ignored - that if you had such a profound loss, you would want people to care. By not saying or doing anything, you are actually hurting the grieving person. So on top of having to deal with this extreme loss, they now are dealing with pain because people who they thought are their friends/loved ones maybe are not reaching out.
Personally, that hurt me the most - there are people to this day who never acknowledged my loss. People who cannot even mention my child's name. You learn very quickly sadly who are your true friends. I have lost many relationships because of this.
When you say it is easier to rejoice than to weep - that is true, and often people are not willing to step into that pain with the other person. It isn't comfortable, and honestly, if they really admitted it - it may be their own worst fear, so they stay away.
There were maybe 2 people who said to me "you know, I don't know what to say, but I want you to know I care". That meant a lot - at least there was acknowledgement.
If as a friend you can go beyond that - I would suggest some of the following:
* The number one rule with grief is: There are no rules.
* Ask the grieving person what they need (most imporant - this will differ for every person).
Things you can do:
* A meal, or several meals spaced out or set up a meal schedule for the family. Cooking or home care is the last thing on your mind during this time.
* Helping them with tasks at home. Please don't wash the child's clothes though or rearrange belongings in the home. Don't erase signs of the child's life.
* Cards/notes
* Calls - but please don't expect calls back (I was not up to speaking to people for a long time). Don't take it personal if they don't reply to you. They will still know you care.
* Deep depression will probably be an issue. Let the grieving person grieve as they need to. Unless they are suicidal - don't intervene. I cannot remember even the first year after my loss, probably longer.
* Offer just to be there - to pray with them if they want, or to let them talk (don't give advice, please, especially if you haven't been there).
* Once you offer something, please follow through with it - they will not be thinking to call you and they won't be asking for help.
* Speak of the happy memories of the child - most parents want this as their biggest fear is that people will forget their child.
* Be sensitive to upcoming holidays (times of joy for families that may now be times of pain). Especially mothers day/fathers day/birthdays/ but holidays in general are tough. Remember them on these days.
* Please don't take it personal if they cannot be around your child(ren).
Personally, I wanted to be mostly alone, but some people misconstrued this as if I didn't want any help. I just could not grieve around others. So the calls quickly stopped. People only tried to help briefly. They went back to their lives. My church failed greatly & my family lived far away.
This type of grief is for the long haul. If you really want to be there, know that this pain will still be around. Don't try and "hurry up" their grief to make you feel better (which most people do).
This is very long, but I hope it will be of help to you, Crystal, and maybe to others. Feel free to ask me questions anytime you need to.
Make them a meal. I know it doesn't sound truly comforting, but it is a great way of showing that you are thinking about them. Plus, when a family is going through something like this they don't have the time or will to be making healthy, nourishing food.
Bring along some flowers, and a card.
Crystal this is such a hard subject and I will be praying for Marielle’s family… I have been through the grieving process with a dear friend of mine named Rebecca. She lost her 10 month old baby boy to a rare form of cancer called ATRT. Jonathon’s short life story is at http://www.caringbridge.org/az/buddaboy/
What I learned through being close to Jonathon’s mommy is that the best thing I could do was pray. Rebecca told me that “just listening” and being faithful in prayer helped the most. Lastly, I remember Rebecca telling me that she still wanted to talk about Jonathon once he went to heaven. He will always be her son, a part of her, and she didn’t want people to shy away from talking to her about him because of the pain. Talking about Jonathon, though indeed painful at times, was and still is a joy to Rebecca.
Joan,
I understand. If you care to & Crystal doesn't mind, she could give you my email addy.
I agree with everything you said - & typed my response before I read yours.
So true, we don't want them to be forgotten - who wants to be forgotten?
I have not lost a child, other than by miscarriage (several lost that way). But my brother was killed at age 20 by a drunk driver. I know what meant the most to our family was those who were there, listened, hugged us and said they wished it had never happened. What hurt the most was those, even relatives, who to this day, act as if it never happened, was no big deal, etc. My husband has one sister, a minister's wife today even, who to this day has NEVER EVER told me she was sorry I lost my brother. Go figure... It happened now over 33 years ago. I do remember a friend bringing some homemade rolls to the house...yea, it might not have been the best healthy food, but it was sure comfort, let me tell you. You see, we had absolutely no appetite. SO fix food that is not easy to resist. The family will need that. Blessings on you for caring to reach out, my dear!! Too few do so.
I agree with the other posts that said not to avoid talking about the person that passed away or to try and erase signs that they were alive. Strange as it might sound, it is actually comforting to talk about the lost person and hear from others about the wonderful memories or positive impact they had on their lives.
One of the nicest things I saw someone do for a family that had lost a child was to make them a memory book. They collected pictures, and found out things about the child from it's siblings such as the favorite color, etc. and assembled it into a beautiful album.
Thank you, thank you, thank you for these thoughts and the practical ideas. Please keep sharing - we can all benefit from this, I know I am.
One thing which I've always tried to do is to wait to send a card/letter until some weeks after the funeral. Or to do something quite a long while after the death to reach out to the family. Yes, grieving families needs lots and lots of help, support, and comfort right at the beginning, but they also need support and comfort months down the road. I really appreciate the ideas for that and it's got me to thinking about some things I might wait and do later on in the year for Marielle's family in addition to reaching out right now.
I remember when my grandma died very unexpectedly when I was 12 and we were inundated with cards, flowers, letters, meals, etc. It meant so much and was such a comfort. However, I remember that one woman in particular whose husband had died just a short while before my grandma waited to sent a card until weeks later (maybe it was even a few months - I'm not sure.) and mentioned in the card how she wanted us to know she was still thinking of us and praying for us. That meant so much to know that people were still thinking of us and praying for us even weeks after the funeral. It's something I've tried to remember and do myself. The hurt doesn't just go away in a few weeks.
Lyn - I don't have Joan's email but if you want to email me, Joan, I'll be glad to connect the two of you.
Hi Crystal,
This is a very important subject to bring up. Thank you! I too struggle with wanting to do something or say something so others know how much I care. There have been several helpful suggestions posted here today.
One thing I always do is to send a sympathy card and try very hard to attend the funeral and/or visitation. This means a lot to people to know that you will do anything possible to attend.
Another thing, if it is someone I know pretty well, I will send them a special card with a note on the 1st anniversary. It is just to let them know I'm thinking of them at this time and how much I care that they are hurting so. It is also nice to mention a positive remembrance or experience of the decesed. I so cherish the remembrances that people shared with me about my dad.
Take Care,
Trixie
I don't think there is anything wrong with calling the family (or emailing if it's more appropriate) just to let them know that you are praying for them and to tell them that you don't know what else you can do and ask what they need. Honesty tends to be better than ignoring needs that you don't know exist. And food, in my opinion, is always welcome. I also like the other posters idea about sending cards on the anniversary of the death.
Crystal,
Your thinking is very keen. Most people will think to do something at first when the person passes, and then a few weeks or month goes by and there is little contact. I think your idea of doing things later is a good one when encouragement will be needed even more.
This thought is just my opinion, but receiving flowers got to be very depressing, since they have a short lifespan. Many bouquets at once tends to make the home feel like a funeral home. Something like a food or fruit basket would be very useful or even like someone mentioned a finger-food plate like small tea/roll sandwiches, biscuits, rolls, muffins, a veggie/fruit plate (healthy, and can be nibbled on). The appetite won't be big, but these foods are wonderful because they can be eaten in small amounts to keep up one's strength & are not too expensive to make. Even something like a breakfast casserole or coffee cake would be most welcome for breakfast meals. And lastly, it's always nice to ask if there are any food allergies, which are more common these days.
In my short life, I have lost both parents and a sibling, all four grandparents, and two close friends. What helped me the most in those circumstances was the people who didn't talk -- they wrote. One friend, in particular, wrote something on each and every occasion. I clung to those long after the blurry images of who was and wasn't there at the funerals washed away. My advice, from someone who's been on the painful end of enormous loss way too many times: buy a nice card that's blank inside. Write down your favorite memory of the person. Give it to the bereaved. And then take them out to lunch two or three weeks later when everyone else has gone back to regular life. And once a month after that for awhile.
I am well acquainted with grief because my mother died in 2001 when I was only 22. I was engaged to be married and looking forward to a happy wedding, marriage, and children. Then the rug got pulled out from under me. I am eternally grateful that my mother was a strong Christian woman and is at peace with her Lord.
As for what to do to help....
So many people help out immediately after a loved one dies and then it dwindles away. It is during those quiet times that the real grief begins and support is needed more than ever. It might be a good idea to hold back until the initial rush of help is gone and then step in with a loving hand and word. Helping them get back into a routine will help a lot. Just let them know help is right around the corner.
Also, don't be afraid to be honest with them about what happened. I remember being so touched when someone had the courage to just say, "This really stinks!" Sugar coating never works.
Finally, rejoice with them about their daughter being in such a perfect place.
I can only second what so many others have written. I have not lost a child, but my son did have cancer. My children have also lost two dear friends (their parents are friends of mine). Lacie was 19, Tommy was 19. They are from different families, but they were both in our homeschool group. They died exactly one year apart.
I know that we have sent cards, cooked food, made phone calls, and simply just been there for the families. My kids never pretended it didn't happen. I have cried with my friends (the moms) when they needed to. I let them know that I was grieving along with them. That seemed to help Lacie's mom more than anything. I held her when she wanted me to. We went shopping at Christmas time. We had lunch together. We will be planting a flower garden at her grave site.
From my experience, these parents do eventually want life to continue as normal, but it takes a long time for them to come to this. When the family decides it is time, no matter how long it takes, just be there for them in whatever capacity is needed. But I agree with everyone else - DO NOT IGNORE WHAT HAPPENED. Lives were forever altered.
The best thing to do is just be there to listen, comfort them when they cry. And do not try to answer the question , "Why?" It can not be answered!
I try to take meals in and help with the housework and watching of other young children to allow the adults to grieve. When my father died, it was so helpful to have my husband's sister's watch my children for a few hours each day to allow me to grieve in private. Small children are sometimes frightened by the tears and sadness.
If the family is having financial difficulties, take a collection between close friends, church members, etc. Have a benefit dinner in the child's honor.
I think that the best thing you can do is just pray and be available!
Ruth, PA
One of my favorite songs about this issue is Steven Curtis Chapman's "Carry You to Jesus." It's about how the best thing we can do for those who are grieving and suffering is what seems the simplest - prayer. Sometimes I've found with friends who are going through hard times that the best, and most deeply needed thing to do is pray - not just for them, but with them.
Crystal,
I too am so glad you are bringing up this subject.
Last year we lost our baby girl at 32 weeks to stillbirth. I think the one thing that helped me most were the friends that just let me talk, and that would talk about our baby. They let me share my story, my labor experience, what it was like holding her afterwards. They did not try to skirt the subject and many times would bring up the baby themselves. This really ministered to me.
Another thing which I think many others have mentioned is not forgetting them once the first week or two go by. Grief comes in cycles and just knowing that someone is praying for you 6 months down the road is so encouraging.
The one year anniversary of our sweet babies death is coming up and in light of that I think that remembering your friends next year around this time will be such a blessing. I know they will appreciate knowing that you still remember their loss and the life of their daughter..
I pray his peace and comfort over the family you will be ministering to!
A friend's almost 2 yr old daughter died last year. I was lost for words, but I also couldn't believe some of the things that (even well-meaning) people tell her. And she still deals with that kind of stuff until now.
Then I came across this blog not too long ago:
http://grievingwithguinever.wordpress.com
I am sorry about your friend's loss...
I lost 2 babies by miscarriage...though some might disagree - I can imagine that losing a child AFTER birth would be considerably harder...having 2 other children that are now 5 & 7 I can say that.
But miscarriage is still the loss of a precious life and I too, had close family and friends that said and or did nothing upon hearing the news.
My husbands two brothers (albeit unmarried at the time) who we saw a week or two after the first miscarriage did not say a word - not even "I'm sorry to hear" or anything.
I know it's hard during difficult situations to know what to say - whether it's a death or other severe trial in someone's life (like an adult child being charged with murder). But I think the key is just ACKNOWLEDGING the loss or trial. You don't have to call - you can send flowers, or a note or stop by and visit or just reply to an email informing you of the death or trial.
I recently had a huge shock in my family (my sisters' 2 sons being charged with murder)...I emailed my mother-in-law when I got the news asking for prayer etc. It was a LONG time before I heard from her - it was VERY strange...I rec'd an email from her regarding other stuff but no mention of this huge trial. What a difference it would have made if she just said "Yes I'll pray" or "Sorry about your nephews" or something!
There is no greater loss than that of a child. I cannot imagine the pain that family is going through. It is just unbearable. There are no guarantees in this life. Sometimes the best thing you can do is just pray. Ask God to send the comfort needed. What else can one do? This world is a fallen place. One of illness, greed, and darkness that is overwhelming but I know that God has a higher purpose that none of us may understand, that may be revealed to us or might not. The one thing left for us to cling too after it is all gone is Jesus. He is the eternal hope, and hope does not disappoint us.
My heart and prayers will be with this family.
Nearly ten years ago, a family in the small community I lived in lost their nine year old son in a fire. He was the same age as my sister and was in her class at school. I had attended school with his brother since we were in kindergarten and knew him very well. This tragedy took the community by terrible surprise, but any folks came together to help love and support the family during this difficult time.
Praying for them first and foremost is very important. I think just being there for a grieving family is the next most important thing of all. Being there beside them to just offer comfort with your presence or being available to help with any requests they may have. Make sure they know you are available to assist them in any way you can.
I also think making sure their basic needs are being met is crucial. Being sure that they have good food to eat, help with household chores and errands, babysitting help, and whatever else may be needed to keep their lives running in as "normal" a way as possible.
My heart really goes out to the family you know. I cannot imagine what they are experiencing right now.
I have never experienced the loss of a child personally, but I thought I would share some thoughts from a situation I am now in. My husband was diagnosed with cancer several months ago and began chemotherapy only weeks before the birth of our second child (who was born last week). Although it is a joy filled time, it is also a very difficult time with my husband's illness and treatments and there is a lot of stress in our family right now. I just wanted to share a few of the things that our church, family and friends are doing to help us right now:
-scheduling meals for two weeks after the baby, plus being available to bring meals on particularly tough days after his treatments
-watching our 2 year old daughter, both during treatments, but also to give us time together as a couple and to allow me time to rest. Many people have also tried to make these especially fun times for our daughter, to give her things to look forward to in the midst of stress. Children feel stress, anxiety or grief very keenly and it blesses us so much when people go out of their way to bless our daughter.
-Give meaningful gifts in lieu of flowers. Some special gifts for us have been a dvd player to watch while at the hospital, a spa package for me, a puzzle for our daughter, itune gift certificate for my husband. Obviously the gifts would differ for a family grieving a loss of a child- perhaps a beautiful picture frame or photo of their child, or a meaningful piece of artwork, or a gift certificate for a special date for the parents, a plant or tree to be planted in memory of the child, etc.
-take care of the practical, everyday needs. Tomorrow night I have all the ladies from my caregroup coming over to clean my house and do my laundry- what a huge relief! A husband from our homeschool group offered to mow our lawn. My sister-in-law sends out regular email updates so that I don't have to answer so many phone calls and emails with people wanting to know how we are.
-be willing to talk about what they are going through. The best response we have had is friends who ask us openly whether we would like to talk about it, or be distracted and just talk about other things, and then actually ask questions and really discuss what we are going through. Saying the "right" thing isn't important, but just acknowledging what we are walking through is crucial and so comforting to know that others care enough to discuss it.
Thanks for discussing this topic. It's so relevant. I know that it has been helpful for me to read the responses of others who have experienced this type of loss. Thank you to those of you who have shared openly. Hopefully this will help those of us who are in a position to support and serve those who are grieving and to be Jesus to them.
Stephanie
Sorry if this comes across as a laundry list, but it's 2am.
To those who have lost children through miscarriage: You too have lost a child. It doesn't matter if you were pregnant for days or for months. As Christians, we understand that God knew your baby before it was knit together in your womb. You may be the only person on earth who knew your child, but God knew him or her all along.
Has someone you know lost a child?
Acknowledge the loss. A simple "I'm sorry" will do, but don't ignore what has happened.
Be real. Be there. Don't hide behind flowery phrases. Look into the eyes of the grieving, touch their hands, hug them---if you have tears, let them fall. Mourn with them. Show them grace.
Mourning with family does not mean burdening the family with your own drama. It is one think to let tears fall; it is quite another to tell them you simply can't handle the horror, to crumple on their shoulders, to unburden all your personal sorrows on them at a time when they can least handle it.
It is far kinder to give a hug, in silence, than to say something that seems to deny the family the space to grieve.
As this is a response on a Christian blog,I want to address the tendency to improperly use platitudes or even Bible verses when addressing the situation.
DO NOT SAY "He/She is in a better place....God needed her/him more then you...Don't be sad, he/she is with Jesus now,so you should rejoice...It was God's will...All things work together for good for him who believes, etc etc (insert favorite happy Bible verse here). "
I would like to point out that, while some of those statements might be, in part, true, they don't convey what a mourning parent needs to hear. Why? Because He "has set eternity in the hearts of men.." Our hearts know that none of us were ever meant to be separated from our loved ones. Sin brought separation: separation from God and separation from each other. Sin brought death. Jesus conquered death--yes---but in our physical bodies we still must experience death and separation. That's why we grieve when we lose a loved one. To downplay that suffering is to downplay the Passion, Crucifixion, and Resurrection of Christ.
Often parents are in a state of semi-shock. If you can be with them as they sort through what needs to be done (calling relatives and friends,funeral arrangements, organ donation?, obituaries, etc) you can be a sounding board and sometimes a guide.
Speak the child's name. Share any memories,photos, or mementos you have. Write remembrances down for the family. You will not hurt those left behind by talking about their child. The deepest pain by far is to have your child seemingly 'forgotten'.
Flowers, food, and traditional cards are nice, but often can be overwhelming when they come all at once. If you see that there is adequate food on hand, tons of flower arrangements, piles of condolences, it might be more of a blessing to help with what has arrived. One of the greatest gifts you can give would be to be in charge of portioning and storing food, keeping a log of the floral gifts and cards, or answering the phone when the family is overwhelmed. You can also, if you are close enough to the family, help set up a list of helps. When someone says 'what can I do to help?' you can immediately put them down for some kind of practical care. Someone to wash the dishes, someone to take care of pets, someone to mow the lawn or take out the trash or any myriad of things that suddenly go by the wayside.
Listen. Listen. Listen. One of the greatest gifts you can give it to simply and lovingly listen.Surviving siblings often need someone to listen to them, one on one. They will need that kind of support for a long time, just like their parents will. Grief will often zig and zag, go underground then erupt, or be expressed in depression, anger---it is as individual as the people dealing with it. Keep talking about the child who has died and keep listening to those who grieve the loss.
Pray for the family. What a tender grace it is to remember the child's birthday, or the anniversary of the child's death, with a card or note.
And when the child or the family is on your mind, tell them so. A simple email saying "I was thinking of Anne/Mark/your baby/the twins,etc. today" is like the balm of Gilead.
Sorry, didn't mean to run on. I guess the best way to know what to do is to put yourself in the shoes of the grieving family. If you can stand it for just a couple of seconds, imagine your child or someone you love more than life lying in a casket. What would you feel? What would you want from others?
The grieving process does not end right after the funeral so it's important that families in situations like these are not forgotten. It might be nice to send a little note of encouragement every month at least for the first year, just to let them know you are still thinking of them and have not forgotten about the special little girl that blessed everyone's lives.
There are some wonderful responses here; very touching as a bereaved parent myself.
Renee's comment struck me personally today. There were so many people that said very insensitive things to me. I want to share some of these so people will understand like Renee said it is at least better to say nothing than to say something that doesn't help or hurts.
Things NOT to say:
* I can understand your pain. I lost my (fill-in-the-blank) grandparent, parent, sibling, friend, dog (who is like my child).
* God must have taken your child because they were going to grow up and become ungodly therefore He was sparing them.
* At least you will see your child again one day.
* I can empathize since my son just moved out and went to college (yes, this was said to me at my child's memorial service, hard to believe!). Note: Sorry, it may be difficult for a child to grow up and move out, but you STILL have your child. Children are supposed to grow up and be productive adults & have their own lives. It is not the same.
* I had a "friend" tell me that my child's ashes were just that, ashes, and that I needed to go on living my life. (At the time I was having a hard time leaving home because I would be leaving the ashes behind/this is a natural response as a parent of a young child.)
* You'll have other children (said by doctors, friends and relatives).
* Have you considered adoption? (not said right away, but later)
* Why didn't they have more children? (something a church member said) Note: Another child will never replace the life of another. Better to not bring up the subject of other future children at all. This is very personal.
There were many other things said to me. They are painful still to share - but if it helps someone by letting them know things to NOT say, then I will have spared a grieving parent/person some pain.
Yes, please, I would beg of anyone to not say anything rather than to say something like some of the things above that permanently hurt a grieving parent. As Renee said, take a few moments to consider how you could possibly feel if it were you.
No one knows WHY someone dies - only God knows and some may not agree with me on this statement. I believe God allows things to happen in this life. However, He gives man free will. For example: a man gets drunk, drives a car and kills a person. God didn't make that man go out and get drunk (it was free will). However, He did allow the accident and the person to die. We cannot begin to understand God's reasoning. In your comments, please don't try to be God. Only He knows WHY.
Empathy is understanding another's situation; sympathy if feeling pity or sorry for. People who grieve need empathy, not sympathy.
Lastly (sorry so long) but I would just like to add that yes, it is comforting that our child is with God. But we still MISS our child. Missing is the hardest part of grief. You long to be with that person once again! Even Jesus grived for Lazarus (Jesus wept).
11 years ago the oldest in our family passed away at the age of 14. Although I was only 7 at the time, I remember it, and of course observed my parents go through the pain of losing a child.
One thing that comes back to mind is, you don't have to say anything. A lot of times people want to be left largely alone to grieve awhile. I remember how our phone rang off the hook during that first while. Although the sympathy of friends was appreciated, it almost became a burden for my parents to have to talk to a lot of people when they were still hurting. Maybe a better alternative to phone calls would be sending a card which they can chose to read on their own time. The greatest encouragement comes from those who have walked that valley before, and can truly weep with the bereaved...not just sympathize, but WEEP.
I hope you can find something to do to bless this family, Crystal. God bless you!
Crystal-
Many lovely, caring folks have already commented here, and I hesitate to say anything just for the sake of commenting. However, as a bereaved mother, it seems like this is an issue I should address if I have something productive to add.
In the months after our son, Joel, died suddenly I found that people not only did not know what to do for us, but expected us to tell them. At first the house was inundated with people--bringing flowers, cleaning, setting up for the reception after the funeral. It was wonderful to have people take everyday burdens off our shoulders, even though I began to feel that not only had my life changed totally but that the house I lived it in had changed, too. One of the things that was a small but immensely practical thing was that for days at least someone kept a cooler full of ice and bottled water. It was summertime, and hot, but also, crying can leave you depleted and dehydrated. For a bit we found that instant breakfasts were wonderful when we knew we needed nutrition but could not stomach a meal. We tucked some into the fridge or cooler to keep on hand.
Things settle down pretty quickly, however. People go home, cards stop, calls come less frequently. And the grieving family is left with the sense that as much as they long for "normal" it is impossible. What actually happens is that painstakingly, one tiny bit at a time, the Lord gives us the grace and strength to carve out a new "normal". This is helped along by those who do not abandon us when the immediate crisis is over. The occasional call, just to check in and ask how my family was, the invitation to tea, the letter to say hello, all helped to keep me going. Our neighbor mowed our yard for several weeks without even telling us he planned to. It was such a blessing!
Several things to keep in mind--first, grieving is exhausting work. If the bereaved mother has other children, and a husband, she is grieving with and for them as well. There is so little energy left to care if the house gets dusted. Additionally, chores that we may have enjoyed previously now can become an emotional mine field. For example, I love to cook. I enjoy creating meals for my loved ones. After Joel died I hated to cook because I was not ready to count servings and make one less. I hated getting out plates or flatware. I hated loading the dishwasher and seeing one less cereal bowl in the morning. Paper plates and plastic flatware for an extended time helped get me over this bump. Not long ago I slipped back into the old way and got out an extra plate. I was devastated by my own mistake.
Second, grieving is intensely individual. Our God is an immensely personal God Who leads us gently through this valley. Friends who remember not to compare us to others unless it is beneficial are a part of His care of us. So, it is important to try to find out from the individual who is grieving if they prefer to have you call, or visit, or drop a letter or e-mail now and then. However, do not expect them to call you and tell you what they need at that particular moment! They may not know themselves enough to call and ask for something. Keep in touch and respect their preferences. I could answer a ringing phone more easily than I could think to pick it up and call someone else. If I didn't want to answer I either screened the calls or turned off the ringer.
This applies to things like talking about the child they have lost. They may be taking their cue from you. If you seem uncomfortable when they mention the child's name, they will keep quiet even though they may long to talk about their young one. One gentleman told me that he had wanted for several months to tell me that he missed our son but hesitated because he did not want to make me more sad. I told him that I appreciated his effort, but that I was going to think about Joel anyway, and maybe even cry. His words would not make me think of something uncomfortable that I would otherwise have forgotten! Exactly the opposite is often true. As others have written, we want to know that we are not the only ones missing the smile, the loving way, the sense of humor.
Third, as others have commented, stay away from cliches or from trying to give the grieving family your opinion about why God has allowed this situation in their lives. One particular comment bothered me and I had to chew on it for awhile to figure out why. I was told over and over that God had allowed us to lose Joel because I would then be able to comfort others who had lost a child. It seemed strange to me that God's economy would be such that He would allow His children to experience intense pain just so they could comfort others who experienced intense pain just so they could comfort yet others in that situation! Along with this we were often told that we should meet so-and-so who had lost a child or a sibling. Folks seemed to think that linking us up was a helpful thing to do, and that they had contributed all they needed to towards our comfort. I told my husband that I did not want to meet just every person who had a lost a child. Rather, I wanted to talk to those who had suffered a similar loss and come through it triumphantly by God's grace. At that point I could not bear anyone else's pain. Conversely, neither was I ready to comfort anyone else. Now, ten months down the road, I CAN share the Lord's comfort and gentle leading of our family more easily. There is more to share.
Christians understand the idea that we are to mourn with those who mourn, as you said, but they don't know how to connect deeply enough with others to make it happen. It is such a blessing, to both parties, when it does. When I miscarried, a friend who was also pregnant told me that after hearing the news at church all she could do was go to the nursery and sit rocking someone else's baby while she wept for me. It meant so much! We are afraid of pain, and we cannot imagine a pain like the loss of a beloved child. Our minds skitter away from the thought like waterdrops on a hot griddle. But Jesus did not shy away from our pain or our brokenness or our sinful lives. Let's not let the enemy gain victory from these trials in a brother or sister's life by failing to step up and simply be His loving arms extended to them. For those of us who have suffered loss, let's be "transparent" about the struggle. The Lord is glorified in leading us through the valley, not in us denying its darkness.
Crystal, please forgive me for going on so long! God's blessings to you for having a heart to reach out to others even when you would be justified in keeping your focus closer to home. Those last weeks of pregnancy are such a mixed bag, aren't they?!
Vicki
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