Resting when you have small children underfoot
In response to this post, a reader asked:Crystal, How do you sit down with Kathrynne awake? Any tips on how to do that? I have a busy 17-month-old boy and I literally cannot sit down if he is awake. Maybe I need to cater less to his every whine? To give an example, let's say I sit down on the couch with the intent to read for 15 minutes or write a quick card - he will inevitably knock something over, spill something, cry to go outside, etc etc - so I just give up. I spend all day chasing after him. Am I catering to his every whim too much or do you have a trick that allows you to sit still with a 2-year-old afoot? Thanks! -AnonymousGreat question and don't worry, we definitely have our share of spills and whines around here. However, we've tried to early on teach Kathrynne that life doesn't revolve around her. Yes, she is very important and very loved, but Mommy and Daddy make the rules at our house. We don't cater to her every whim. For her to grow up expecting she gets everything she wants when she wants it, is not preparing her for the hard knocks of real life. Our goal is to raise responsible adults, not spoiled children.
Training and instilling this into a child takes time - lots of time! - and a two-year-old (or 17-month-old like you have) can in no way be expected to be perfect. But they can be learning to have patience, to be respectful, to play quietly, and so forth.
I've mentioned this before, but one thing I do is to use the timer. This is a very "visual" way to teach patience. If I'm resting and Kathrynne comes up asking for a drink or something to eat or wants to go outside, etc., I lovingly tell her that she needs to wait until the timer beeps off. If she asks again, I ask her if the timer has beeped off yet. When she responds "No" then I gently remind her that I will get whatever it is that she is asking for as soon as the timer beeps off. Of course, if it were some emergency or if she says she needs to go potty, I don't make her wait. But otherwise, this works really well for us. For a child who is not used to waiting at all, I would start out really small maybe setting the timer for only two or three minutes and gradually working up.
I also highly recommend you have a quiet time every afternoon. Children need to learn from an early age to be able to occupy and entertain themselves quietly for short periods of time. And Mom needs some time of quiet, too! We have a two-three hour quiet time every afternoon. Kathrynne usually naps during this whole time (I know, I'm blessed with a good napper - believe me, she wasn't always this way!!), but I also give her a few books to look at and toys to play with in her playpen during this time as she'll sometimes play for awhile before or after she wakes up. Depending upon how the morning is going, I'll also often put her in her playpen for 45 minutes or so during the morning and have her play with her toys, read books, and watch her video from Grandma (I've mentioned this before, but for those who may have missed it, this is a video my mom made for Kathrynne reading books to her, teaching her fingerplays, singing to her, and teaching her basic counting, letters, etc.). This works especially well if I'm quite tired, she's antsy, and she's gotten up rather early in the morning. Again, with quiet times, if this is something you haven't done in the past, start out small and work your way up. If you hope to eventually have a two-hour afternoon quiet time, start with 10 or 15 minutes. Keep lengthening the time a little bit until your toddler is used to the routine.
If Kathrynne is awake, before I go to sit or rest for 15 minutes, I always try to make sure Kathrynne has something productive to do and I tell her "Now it's time for Mommy to rest." I also have trained her (for the most part - it takes some reminding sometimes!) to stay in the same room/in my sight at all times.
Different things I will give her to do to keep her busy:
-Crayons and paper. She loves to draw! I'll often encourage her along as she's drawing and ask her to draw specific things.
-Her dolly and stroller.
-Legos.
-Books to read.
-A snack to sit in the kitchen and eat.
-Child-safe scissors and my leftover coupons for her to cut.
By giving her a project to do in the same room as me, it keeps her occupied so I can rest, but it also allows me to keep an eye on her.
I will also often sit her next to me and we'll read books, sing songs, review her ABC's, read the Bible, talk, or - for a special treat - we'll watch a few episodes of ENN on my laptop.
Those are just a few ideas of things which work for me. I know that it will be much different when there are more children underfoot, but I'm also hopeful that some of the ways we're training Kathrynne now will help things go smoother in the future.
I'd love to hear from other more experienced mothers on this subject as well. What works or has worked for you? I'd love to hear!
By the way, in the next day or two, I'm also planning to answer another question asked recently asked about how to accomplish cleaning and homemaking with a toddler. Stay tuned.
posted by Crystal Paine at 3:50 PM
15 Comments:
I just want to stress the quiet time. My two (almost three yr old) doesn't always need a nap, but my one yr old does. When my one yr old is taking his afternoon nap, which is about 2 hrs, two yr old plays quietly in the nursery while he sleeps. Sometimes, even two yr old will sleep. Mommy's need that quiet time!
-Zan
Dito, even babies under a year old can learn to have some alone quiet time. Set up a gate in the door way so that they stay for a bit in their own space with some toys. Like Crystal said, start with a small amount of time at first and work your way up. This may be met with protest crying at first from a child that is not used to it. This helps teach them contentment and that they don't have to be attached to mommy's hip all day.
I'm not suggesting we neglect our kids or look for ways to avoid them, but rather just to instill a few hours (especially for the non-nappers) of quiet time for mom and for them as well.
Don't stop when they are past the toddler years either. My 8 and 6 year old still have quiet times on their beds in the afternoon for reading. It also gives them a break from each other since they are homeschooled.
Blessings.
Very, very wise words. I don't have a thing to add: you said it well.
I can so relate! I have a two year old and a four month old. Life is definately busy in our house, and many times I feel like I'm going crazy because everyone needs me at the same time. I think adding a second child really helped my oldest learn a bit of independence. He is getting much better at playing quietly by himself for short periods of time when I'm busy with the baby and I've been trying to nip the whining in the bud. It's hard not to just give in when it's especially busy, but that only works for the short term. I love Crystal's idea about a timer! Hang in there, busy mommas, and don't feel guilty saying "no" or "wait until Mommy feeds the baby".
As the mother of 3 boys and 2 girls, I can commiserate with Anonymous' post. Raising a boy is very different than raising a girl (wouldn't have believed it if I had not experienced both genders). Even among my 3 boys, 2 were relatively calm but 1 was not. Busy Curious George we used to call him!
Like many of the other moms here, I, too, recommend the use of a child gate to help the boy stay in his room when you need a little time to yourself. Make sure his room is safe for him - is he a drawer climber? Then remove the dresser until he is older. Make sure the window blind cord is beyond his reach. If need be, take everything out of his room except for his bed and some soft, safe toys, like books and stuffed animals. I know this sounds extreme, but he will in time learn more self control. Trust me.
Ultimately what you want to do is to help him learn self control - no small feat for a toddler son! When he indicates to you that he wants something, and his voice sounds impatient, use that as an opportunity to teach him how to speak to you. Example: If he shreiks at you to go outside, you say, "Would you like to go outside? Make your voice sound like this ______. Now you try it." Even if he is not good at speaking - most 17month olds are not - he can learn now how to use the proper tone when talking to you.
Say key phrases to him, for example:
"When you decide to talk to me nicely, I will listen to you."
"Use your feet and walk to your room now."
"When you are calm, you may join me."
There will be times when you will need to physically pick up your son and deposit him in his room. Sometimes we tell our children to go, but they don't respond quickly. In those cases, don't just stand there and yell commands to him to go, rather pick him up calmly and put him in his room. Secure the child gate. If this is for a daily quiet time, let him know that you have set the timer and it will ring in 1 hour. Get the timer at the Dollar Store. If he needs room time to calm down and not tantrum at you, let him know that when he is calm, he will be let out.
For the record, my now 17yr old son's first phrase was, "Done fussin', Mom!"
If you need a short time of the boy being occupied, utilize the high chair. Belt him in with fun things, like cheerios and yarn for necklace stringing, Duplos, a Magna Doodle, Play Doh or some other things that are reserved only for high chair time. Be certain you keep the chair sessions brief, and they will retain their allure. If possible keep high chair time things in a special box.
Do try to have fun times. Don't be rigid. Don't be quick to say no to reasonable requests. That being said, if he asks for instance to go outside, and it isn't a good time for you, tell him no. You are the grown up - be the grown up. If he has a melt down, tell him to go to his room until he is calm. You will need to do this many times but you will survive this stage of life, and so will he.
Whatever you do, don't compare your son to little girls. I did that - it wasn't good. My girlfriend had a little daughter who would sit for an hour and a half at church with nothing more than a little purse with a few trinkets in it. My son, same age, was having a hard time at that time sitting for more than 10 minutes without getting a serious case of the wiggles. I thought there was something wrong with my boy and my parenting. Not so. He was just different, and is now a happy, godly, delightful 17yr old.
Have reasonable expectations. God will use your son's active personality for His good will in due time.
This has gotten more challenging as our family has grown. With our first daughter, it was fairly simple to do, but the second has a much different personality--the stereotypical strong-willed child, and I still struggle with this with her, even though our training methods are the same as with the first child. She just turned 3; our other two are 6 years and 9 months, and I'm trying to get a little more rest with a new baby coming in January.
Cathy
Crystal - thanks for the info. I'm especially looking forward to seeing how you clean and keep house with a toddler underfoot. As my little boy nears his first birthday (Saturday!! It seems like just yesterday I left a comment about finally getting pregnant!)I am finding that it is harder and harder to get anything done. He is BUSY and strong-willed. Any tips on dealing with a strong-willed child? Of course, I've never pictured Kathryne as being a determined stubborn girl, but maybe I've romanticized her. =) Anyways - thanks! -Tiffany
I would personally like to know about your adventures in napping. My 4 month old is a big 45 minute cat napper. Every now and then he will suprise me with a 2 hour nap. However at some point I would like him to have extended nap times. Any ideas?
Crystal, thanks so much for this post. I have recently realized that I have let my two year old become very whiny and discontented. So your post of helpful tips couldn't come at a better time! Thanks for the practical, specific ideas. I'm looking forward to your post on cleaning etc., with littles underfoot...
Just want to agree with the 1st comment - my boy is very different creature! With my daughter, her life was much life Crystal describes - we had a very structured day with activities and playtimes, from almost the day she was born. With my 18 mo old son, I can structure the activities all I want, but the minute I turn my back, he is thinking "out of the box" - doing a puzzle on the floor turns into shaking water out of his sippy cup and turning the dining table into a slip and slide! He's not whiny, he's plain dangerous. Fortunately, I have my daughter (age 7) to help keep an eye on him - and that's my best advice! Hang in there - when your older ones start getting older, it gets (a little) easier!
I will second MX5's post. Comparing boys and girls is like comparing apples to oranges! Little boys, by God's grace, were given lots of energy to run, explore, and MOVE! While there is much difference in temperment, I think its safe to say little boys and little girls are totally different creatures. Thank goodness too!I think it's important to appreciate our little boys for the men they will become, and not feminize them too much by expecting them to behave like little girls (we do, of course, expect them to obey & be safe.)
Still, resting with a small child is very important. We use many of the same tips of MX5. We have one totally safe room of the house where our son can play freely with a baby gate. We can watch his every move from the kitchen in this room, and he will often play there for 15-20 minutes by himself. We also use the high chair & crib as temporary containment areas (often with fun toys or books only given during this time) when work must be accomplished.
For poor nappers, are you making your children tired enough during the day? We try and get out for exercise at least once a day. If its raining, then we run around inside! *grin* Play hopscotch, train & conductors - anything to use up energy. Hope this helps.
I also wanted to specifically address Anonymous's comments here:
"Maybe I need to cater less to his every whine? To give an example, let's say I sit down on the couch with the intent to read for 15 minutes or write a quick card - he will inevitably knock something over, spill something, cry to go outside, etc etc - so I just give up. I spend all day chasing after him."
I would not say you are giving into his whims, rather that (1) he seems to be used to being entertained by you and (2) gets upset when you try and do something other than spend time with him! During these times, he may be trying to win your attention using negative means (crying, spilling something, knock something over).
In addition to trying to get him more accustomed to playing by himself, can you get him used to doing "parallel activities" with you? If you are about to read, set him next to you (in a baby safe are) with his own book. If you are writing a card, give him his own paper and crayons (our DS started coloring at 17 months too - get washable, non-toxic crayons!). You are right next to him, but doing your "own thing". Also, what are his interests? Our son loves cars, so we a few very special books of cars and trains that are reserved for times when Mom needs 5-10 minutes of reading time.
Finally, I can't stress enough the importance of having at least one or two baby-safe areas in the house where he can play/roam without you following him around. Gradually, you can train him to go in other areas more safely.
God bless, and we wish you the best.
What should one do with an infant? My daughter is 2 months old and I feel soooo guilty every time I do anything else but take care of her. I am living in a very "attachment parenting" area of the country. I love to cuddle and read to her, but I also have a home and husband to care for. I was not able to breastfeed because of a medical condition and I cannot wear her in a sling because of a bad back (God knows I tried). It seems like everyone is ganging up on me because I can't live the "Dr. Sears" lifestyle. Am I messing my daughter up for life because I must put her down sometimes? Is it wise to put an infant on a schedule at some point? If so, how? What kind of schedules work best for young babies (between 2 and 6 months)?
Anonymous: You're the mom. Do what works for you. Ask your husband, seek the Lord, learn from others, but don't feel like you have to follow someone else's advice when it comes to parenting your child. You know what's best for your daughter.
I'm all for holding and cuddling and loving, but I don't think you need to feel like you *must* hold your child 24/7 in order to be a good parent. That's just not feasible in most situations. But neither do you need to feel like you need to have your daughter on a rigid schedule. Do what works for you and, most of all, just enjoy your daughter!
I have five children and the experience varied with the house. It is a lot harder with open plan or a house with lower doorknobs. I am big on homemade videos and after awhile you learn which ones work. Some toys work and some don't as well. A short time outside works as well each day. And they may need an earlier dinner time.
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