Learning to cling to the Rock
Edit: I was hesitant to put up this post as I know many of you have been through much more traumatic experiences in your life and what I'm going through now pales greatly in comparison. However, since I really strive to be transparent on this blog and this is where I am right now, I'm sharing it. Someday soon I hope to get back to more regular posting and not just posts on "Crystal's health saga." Thank you for your patience with me as this blog serves as an outlet for me to write what God is teaching me through this experience, working through my fears, and just where I am at right now. I so appreciate your prayers and your support during this time. I feel so needy. It is a humbling place to be but the Lord has encouraged me so much through showing His love to me through so many of you. I would welcome any encouraging thoughts from those of you who have endured difficult births - as I'm sure many of you have. I'm trying to prepare myself as best as I can spiritually, emotionally, mentally, and physically.
We ended up at the hospital again last night. We've got the drive there and back now down pretty good. And the nurses know me as "the one with the low platelets." It wasn't anything serious, the baby just hasn't been moving at all as much in the last few days, so along with some other little funky things which have been going on, my midwife thought it would be best to have them run some tests and make sure Baby is still healthy. It took a bit, but Baby finally woke up and started behaving, so I got to be released in the same night - for which I was very thankful!
While at the hospital, we also went over some of the labor and delivery stuff. And it was then that I learned what seemed like devastating news to me - I will probably not get to labor in the water. Unless my body can kick in naturally at first and take over without the help of anything, I'm resigned to only a few positions so that I can stay on the monitor at all times. Needless to say, this was - to put it mildly - not the most pleasant news. Being in the water was a huge relief to me last time and the thought of an induction, where I have to be on monitors the whole time, where I can't move around much, where I can't have an epidural, where I can't get in the water - coupled with me being severely anemic and the many concerns over severe complications because of my low platelet counts and because I have a history of hemorrhaging whenever I'm not anemic... It all seemed impossible for me to even deal with.
I wanted to run away from it all last night. "I can't do this, God." Why oh why can't I just have a natural, normal birth like last time? Why did you have to allow all these complications so that I have no other choice but being induced?
As I was feeling overwhelmed by all of this, I realized something. If I were able to go ahead with a natural, normal birth like last time around, I'd probably be pretty confident about the whole thing. I mean, I did it once, it wasn't too hard. I can do it again. And I wouldn't be needing to cling to the Lord. I feel as if God has taken away all my securities for this labor and delivery so that all I have to trust in is Him. And in the end, He is all I need.
These past two weeks have been some of the hardest weeks in my life. I've come face-to-face with the very real possibility of death or with living a life fraught with serious health conditions. I've felt, for the first time, what anguish and difficulty those who are diagnosed with life-threatening diseases feel like. I've felt weaker and more inadequate and helpless than I've ever felt in my life. Being usually a very healthy, strong, positive person that nothing much phases, this is a completely new and very difficult experience for me. And I've barely even scratched the surface of what so many have been through.
Yesterday, I was making an appointment with my hematologist for a few weeks after the birth (they are going to run a lot of tests to make sure that all my problems have indeed been pregnancy related and to see how we can best get my body back to health again). My hematologist is also an oncologist and his offices are at the cancer center. It was very weird to be making an appointment at the cancer center for myself. And, once again, I realized how much I have to be thankful for. Yes, these last few weeks have been difficult, and yes, it's by no means over yet. But, I'm going to the cancer center to meet with the hematologist to help get my health back, not to attempt to help stabilize a cancer-ridden body. How many of the patients making appointments at the cancer center would love to be me? Thinking about it like this, makes an induction, being on monitors during the birth, and laboring without a tub seem pretty insignificant, doesn't it?
God has allowed all of this for good in my life. It wouldn't be my choice, but it's His choice, and little bit by little bit, I'm learning some of what He wants to teach me through it. There are still so many unknowns and so many things to trust Him for in this next week, but He will carry me through. "I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me." I cling to that.
We ended up at the hospital again last night. We've got the drive there and back now down pretty good. And the nurses know me as "the one with the low platelets." It wasn't anything serious, the baby just hasn't been moving at all as much in the last few days, so along with some other little funky things which have been going on, my midwife thought it would be best to have them run some tests and make sure Baby is still healthy. It took a bit, but Baby finally woke up and started behaving, so I got to be released in the same night - for which I was very thankful!
While at the hospital, we also went over some of the labor and delivery stuff. And it was then that I learned what seemed like devastating news to me - I will probably not get to labor in the water. Unless my body can kick in naturally at first and take over without the help of anything, I'm resigned to only a few positions so that I can stay on the monitor at all times. Needless to say, this was - to put it mildly - not the most pleasant news. Being in the water was a huge relief to me last time and the thought of an induction, where I have to be on monitors the whole time, where I can't move around much, where I can't have an epidural, where I can't get in the water - coupled with me being severely anemic and the many concerns over severe complications because of my low platelet counts and because I have a history of hemorrhaging whenever I'm not anemic... It all seemed impossible for me to even deal with.
I wanted to run away from it all last night. "I can't do this, God." Why oh why can't I just have a natural, normal birth like last time? Why did you have to allow all these complications so that I have no other choice but being induced?
As I was feeling overwhelmed by all of this, I realized something. If I were able to go ahead with a natural, normal birth like last time around, I'd probably be pretty confident about the whole thing. I mean, I did it once, it wasn't too hard. I can do it again. And I wouldn't be needing to cling to the Lord. I feel as if God has taken away all my securities for this labor and delivery so that all I have to trust in is Him. And in the end, He is all I need.
These past two weeks have been some of the hardest weeks in my life. I've come face-to-face with the very real possibility of death or with living a life fraught with serious health conditions. I've felt, for the first time, what anguish and difficulty those who are diagnosed with life-threatening diseases feel like. I've felt weaker and more inadequate and helpless than I've ever felt in my life. Being usually a very healthy, strong, positive person that nothing much phases, this is a completely new and very difficult experience for me. And I've barely even scratched the surface of what so many have been through.
Yesterday, I was making an appointment with my hematologist for a few weeks after the birth (they are going to run a lot of tests to make sure that all my problems have indeed been pregnancy related and to see how we can best get my body back to health again). My hematologist is also an oncologist and his offices are at the cancer center. It was very weird to be making an appointment at the cancer center for myself. And, once again, I realized how much I have to be thankful for. Yes, these last few weeks have been difficult, and yes, it's by no means over yet. But, I'm going to the cancer center to meet with the hematologist to help get my health back, not to attempt to help stabilize a cancer-ridden body. How many of the patients making appointments at the cancer center would love to be me? Thinking about it like this, makes an induction, being on monitors during the birth, and laboring without a tub seem pretty insignificant, doesn't it?
God has allowed all of this for good in my life. It wouldn't be my choice, but it's His choice, and little bit by little bit, I'm learning some of what He wants to teach me through it. There are still so many unknowns and so many things to trust Him for in this next week, but He will carry me through. "I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me." I cling to that.
posted by Crystal Paine at 8:30 AM
50 Comments:
God bless you, Crystal. I'm sorry you can't have the birth you wanted. I'll be praying for you and your baby.
If it makes you feel any better, I gave birth flat on my back without an epidural, and while it was obviously painful it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I didn't have the complications you have, but I know God will take care of both of you.
Crystal,
Hang in there. We are praying for you here. I also gave birth on my back with monitors without an epidural. I live in a foreign country, and epidurals were simply not offered at my otherwise very large, medically advanced hospital.
I think the biggest thing for me was eliminating all thoughts and expectations about what birth would be like, and just concentrating on the end goal: a healthy baby and mama. All the rest is, in the end, optional. You will be in our prayers here.
Crystal,
I have been in your situation with a history of hemorrhaging and anemia. I have also had pitocin with every birth. Two of those births I was confined to the bed with monitoring and an IV and had no epidural. YOU CAN DO IT, CRYSTAL. The Lord is your strength. He will see you through! My first birth was a planned homebirth that went awry. All turned out fine but it wasn't what I planned. PTL your complications have been discovered before you go into labor. You will be bathed in much prayer and have some time to prepare for what's ahead. It's been a disappointment for me to see that I always need some amount of intervention to have my babies. However, I am SO thankful!!! I have 5 beautiful healthy children and advances in medical technology have enabled me to be here to be their Mommy! God will be your strength. I can't wait to hear your joyful news!
Oh Crystal, you are indeed in my prayers! i can totally relate in so many ways. praying for you to have joy and peace amidst it all!
blessings,
Jen in al
I have never left a comment here before, but I read your blog every day. I am currently 32 weeks pregnant with our second child and facing a very similar situation to yours. I am very anemic and have been seeing an oncology hematologist for the last month.
Every week now, I have to go into the cancer center for treatments of IV iron and it always feels wierd being there. At my first visit to the cancer center, I realized that even being extremely tired and weak feeling, I can still get out of a chair and walk faster than anyone else in the waiting room. I thank the Lord that he has afforded me this perspective at a time when I was getting pretty scared.
Your recent posts about working through your fears with a hospital induction have been very encouraging to me and have made me re-evaluate my spiritual and mental preparation for going into a high risk birth.
Continue to look only to the Lord for your strength.
"And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me."
2 Corinthians 12:9
Hannah
Crystal,
I will be saying many prayers for you and your family. I think it's wonderful that you are so transparent on your blog. Other women may be going through similiar circumstances and have no one to talk to, or feel no one understands. You can be that connection.
Please don't think your trials are any less than any other person's. Trials are personal. Our trials affect us differently than they affect others. Just from reading your blog the past year, I believe you'd never diminish anyone else's feelings in times like this. I can't imagine anyone with a kind heart would do that to you.
Best wishes to you!
MR
Hi Crystal! I am sorry things don't seem like they will go as you hoped. And I don't think you are making it a "health saga." This is where your life is at and and I think that is part of the blessing of living in a time where blogs and internet are possible - we Christians can unite together in good times and hard times and learn from what we are going through regardless of how many physical miles apart we are.
I was not able to labor in the water with my daughter so I guess I don't know what I might have missed out on. I am sure it is much more disappointing when you have been able to use it before. The doctors did not give me any option but to push on my back, but my daughter started having distress and they were trying to get her out ASAP. I didn't find it too bad that way. (She was very teeny, but perfectly fine afterwards).
I'm praying God will give you peace within. I know for myself a lot of times I "know" something in my head, but when God brings me through trials I can experience it and "know" it personal in my heart. Just remember He is our everwatchful Daddy. He NEVER takes His eyes off us and always has our best interest at heart. Easy to say, not quite as easy to truly feel in our hearts. :) May He richly bless you today, in the next few weeks and with your birth experience. He is on your side!!
Thank you for being so transparent. It is not easy, but it does benefit you and others (like me!).
PS Amen to what Wendy said - sometimes its best not to think ahead too much and plan. One day has enough trouble of it's own. Bless you!
I'm so sorry, Crystal. I can't imagine how difficult this must be. But as you said, God wants us to cling to Him-- to FEEL our need to do so-- and He will be with you every step of the way. And when you hold your precious baby in your arms, you'll know it was all worth it (I know you know that!)
I'll continue to be praying for you. I'm excited for you, too! Every time I click on my Favorites link to your blog, my heart beats faster as I wait for your blog to come up, for I never know when I'm going to get here and see the happy news of a new baby!
Remember Isaiah 41:10-- Do not fear, for I am with you; do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, surely I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
Oh Crystal! My heart goes out to you. Over the last couple of years, you've been such and encouragement to me and so many others. I pray that we can in turn encourage and uplift you during your time of need.
I will be praying for you and your family. God bless,
Trixie
Crystal,
I experienced some very similar things during my 2nd delivery. I was so excited about they advances they had made since my first birth, but I was unable to use them! But I didnt find out anything was going on (although I did suspect and the drs would not take my concerns seriously enough) until I was in labor. That put my husband in a very tough position to make decisions regarding my health without my consent. I have to say, I never did love my husband more than at that time. He was awesome. I had pitocin with no epidural and I had to give birth on my side due to low amniotic fluid (baby kept resting on the umbilical cord because it was so short and couldnt float!) But the end result was a gorgeous baby and I was fine and healthy! She is 8 now and she is such a delight. My husband took 3 weeks off from working to help me, he made me breakfast in bed every morning and I had the greatest milk flow I think in history!! But anyway to encourage you, I think you and your husband are able to prepare for the difficulties. It is much better now than if you had all of these complications discovered during a home birth. I see that as God's hand protecting you and your little one already. I know you are afraid, and that is a normal emotion. I dont think anyone can tell you this is going to be a breeze. But God is with you, and remember when you've got nothing left but God you have enough! I am praying for you!!
Crystal,
After my water broke they would no longer allow me in the tub, however if I got an internal monitor they would allow me to sit on a shower chair and let the warm water beat against my tummy, this was also a great help. Of course all hospitals are different. The internal monitor was also much more comfortable then the ones they strap on you that don't stay put.
Lela www.xanga.com/lmcs79
Can't think of anything to say but it was encouraging for you to put the story in perspective about seeing an oncolgist while healthy.If you haven't been over to read Amy Wilhoite's blog lately -you should.
I am sure your birth will be fine.Your doctors sem to be taking good care of you and the baby.
Crystal,
This was such a true post. God brings us to these painful times so that we are forced to either be completely miserable or put our complete trust in what He is doing. It isn't easy to do either, but the latter brings peace in the end.
God bless you, dear sister in Christ. I will continue to pray for you!
This will be over soon. You will make it through your labor and delivery and be home again with your family. Keep the end goal in mind. You are in my prayers, and in the prayers of the many folks who follow your blog. God bless you and keep you safe! Miss Kris
Hi Crystal. I am so sorry that you are going through all of this. It is so true that during what seem like the hardest times, we are so blessed when all we can do is cry out to God. He is faithful; He loves you, His precious child. I have heard that if you must be in a bed for labor, that the best delivering position is on your side. I will keep you in my prayers, dear friend. You are so wise for clinging to Him. Blessings!
Dear Crystal,
Two of the four deliveries I had were induced. I was very frightened the first time because I had heard such horror stories about it. But I found that the induction made those two births much easier than the first two, calmer & steadier, not wild and uncontrolled. Your doctors are watching out for you and they will not give you too much pitocin, but monitor you closely. Here is the verse the Lord gave to me with my first baby, "He will feed His flock like a Shepherd. He will gather the lambs in arms and carry them in His bosom, and will GENTLY LEAD THOSE THAT ARE WITH YOUNG." He is your Gentle Shepherd, rest in His arms.
With love, Edie
Just yesterday I was reading Kim at Large Family Logistics birth story of her last child. She was induced and wanted to birth in the tub. She mentioned in the story that the hosptial was going to use a telemetric monitor to monitor her baby , and that kind of monitor works in the tub.
Here's the birth story I read:
http://largefamilylogistics.lifewithchrist.org/permalink/19831.html
-Kailey
Crystal,
Please do not feel unsure at all of posting this blog. When you are weak we can more easily see His strength in you.
I am praying for you, your family, and your upcoming birth.
Blessings,
Vanessa
It seems like God is humbling you and drawing you closer to Him through all of this. Of course, like you said, we may never know all of His reasons this side of heaven. What we do know for sure is that you have a chance to come out of this stronger in your faith which is a good thing. If nothing else, keep that in the front of your mind. You're his daughter and He loves you unconditionally.
Honestly, reading this has been such an encouragement to me. If I put myself in your place I see myself questioning God and being angry with Him instead of clinging to Him. It seems like in the difficult times it is sometimes tempting to withdraw from Him instead of drawing nearer to Him like we should. Thank you so much for this reminder to be dependant on the strength of the Lord in our weakest moments. I'll say a prayer for you today. ~Samantha
Thinking of you and praying for all of you!!!! Love, c.
Dearest Crystal~
I am so sorry you are going through this right now. I went through this feeling of dissapointment too...with my first child. It is hard to wrap yourself around these things. But the Lord surely has plans for you and yours. Your little one will be a blessing no matter the way he or she comes into the world. God knows what you need and He will provide!
May the Lord bless you and keep you!
Lots of love,
Sommer
I'm glad that you are always so honest about what's going on in your life. Thanks for openly sharing so we all know what to pray about!
I have been through two inductions and both times had to wear a fetal monitor the whole time. That was annoying, in addition to being attached to the IV machine, but I gradually found ways to move around and get more comfortable. Some hospitals have wirelss monitors that you wear on a little belt over your tummy and you can walk around like normal and even shower with them on. Have you asked about that? I was able to wear those during one of my labors and it really made a difference. It was such a relief to be able to lean against the shower wall and have hot water on my lower back towards the end. You might be able to try that...not quite as good as sitting in a tub, but definately a help! I also used heat packs and hot water bottles for my back when I had to lay in the bed.
The best thing I found to do (especially when I was trying to avoid an epidural) was to just speak up and ask what options were available. The nurses are usually very well trained and knowledgeable and know alot of soothing massages for you back and hips and in my experience, were always willing to go that extra mile to help me get through the pain. There are also lots of things they can give you in small doses through the IV to make the pain more manageable that doesn't involve a needle in your spine.
I have been praying for you every day and hope that it all works out. God is with you and will give you the strength, even when you feel weak and sick now. :-) Hang in there!
Crystal, I will be praying for you. I have 5 children and been induced 3 times. I had one very complicated pregnancy in which they induced a week early, even though I tend to go to 42 weeks. I have asked for epidurals all times, but because of spine complications, they have only worked twice. I have since been told an epidural is not possible. But, during my last labor, I used techniques from Christ Centered Childbirth. I can't remember the author, the book is loaned out. That helped so much. It talks about totally relaxing during contractions (mouth, let head drop, arms drop, and breath slowly). It also talked about the fear-pain cycle. The more tense you get, the muscles around the uterus try to close up-making the pain much more intense and unnatural. Also, says to focus on God as your rock and contractions like waves, yet you are attached to the rock (among many other ideas for visualizations). While using this method, the nurse told me that I was at 9 1/2 and the picture of a peaceful labor. Believe me, that is unlike my other experiences. The baby turned out to be a ten pounder. Just thought I should tell you that relaxing your whole body does help with the pain cycle. You Can Do This-Believe This. You were created to do this.
You'll do great Crystal. You will look back at this time as a time of growth and incredible strength! I truly believe that.
My prayers are w/you.
This may depend on your doctor, but our perinatologist DID still let me labor in the jacuzzi in spite of induction (first with Pitocin, then breaking my water a few hours later) at 37 weeks in my last two high-risk pregnancies. After she broke my water, she required me to stay on the monitor for 20-30 minutes before allowing me in the jacuzzi for 30 minute increments. As I said, though, this may depend on the specific doctor and your specific health concerns, but it never hurts to ask the doctor you're working with. Best wishes and prayers for a safe delivery for both of you.
Cathy
Crystal - can you guys hire a doula?! I just thought of that! They are WONDERFUL! Many of them will barter for services or do adjustable rates but oh my goodness...they are worth their weight in gold! I'm serious!
I think the web for finding one is www.doula.org.
Also, use Jessie! I know you will and I know he was at the last labor, but I would type up a list of soothing mechanisms, like 30 or more and print it off - you guys can work on it together. That way, he can just go down through them while you are laboring. If you don't like one, you can say 'next one!' and he won't be stuck in a brain freeze.
One word about doulas - I hired one but due to my labor circumstances (admitted thru the ER) I didn't get to use her but we joke that DH was my doula. He was awesome and I think in part b/c of working with the doula and also talking in advance about the list. One that was printed that Jesse could refer to and even mark your favorites might be helpful.
Also, I dont' know that there has ever been a person and family who will be more prayed for. Since we don't know when you will labor, I've already started. Ditto the previous poster - you are such an encouragement to so many and even in this you are still an encouragement. We will now get to encourage you.
Crystal,
As someone who hasn't yet been blessed by marriage and children, I can only imagine what you're going through. But I'm praying for you. Being induced, monitored, unable to have a natural birth - all of these probably aren't easy. But what really matters here is your health, and your baby. Just hang in there. I'm praying for you during these past difficult weeks.
Crystal,
You know the saying, believe for the best and prepare for the worst... well, don't stop believing for the best. Our Lord loves you and he is a very present help in time of trouble. I know you will be relying on Him and may you have an incredible testimony that the labor went incredibly more easily than you expected, knowing that only God gets all the glory. These things that we cannot do on our own allow us to see His mighty hand. So, I know you have prepared for the worst, but please, don't forget to believe for the best. Faith pleases the Lord. Wishing you the best!
Adrienne
Hi Crystal,
I read your blog often, but rarely comment. I just wanted to encourage you that you can be successful, even stuck in bed and unable to be in the water.
I have had 5 children, all were inductions at 2 weeks overdue. I just don't go into labor and that was sad for me as I wanted to do a home birth or midwife center birth. It is difficult when our plans don't match up with what actually happens.
I used the breathing techniques, along with a lot of visualization and prayer to get me through those inductions. I would close my eyes and visualize the progress that was coming with each pain and literally prayed my way through each labor. I was blessed with 5 healthy children and did realize how God got saw me through. I will continue to pray for you. Janet
I've been following your story these past few weeks. I'm so very sorry that you're going through this difficult and frightening time. I sincerely hope that you and the baby will be perfectly healthy when all is said and done.
I went through this low-platelet thing when I was in college. I had to see a hemotologist and have blood taken every few weeks to have my platelets monitored. I never received a diagnosis, but my platelet count climbed with every test, so they told me not to worry about it. Hopefully, that will be the case with you. I was advised not to give blood, which wasn't an issue because I'm ridiculously afraid of needles and get really panicky when just the doctor has to take blood. I'm not going to willingly give it!
I haven't had a problem with my platelets since that time, at least not in a worrisome sense. :-)
Hi Crystal,
It's okay to share your heart - I think that it probably not only helps yourself but others as well. I know God is taking care of you, even at this moment, and He will continue to do so.
I, too, have had to go to the local Cancer Center for a different reason & it does make you very thankful for what you do have, knowing so many others have so much less.
I commend you for learning through this experience & letting it to help you to see a tiny bit into the challenges of others' lives. I see so many young people who are walking through life and not very in touch with the pain of others in this world.
Your trial right now is what you know, and it's okay to feel the way you do. What I admire about you is that even though you are struggling you are still grateful for what you do have & it is giving you more wisdom, because you are allowing it to. In our trials, we can always learn something through it, and become stronger people, or we can choose to not accept the wisdom that God offers us.
I know you are hurting for what choices you may not be allowed. In the end though, what is most important (as others mentioned too) is that you have your healthy baby and that you are well. How he/she gets here won't be as important later on. Even in your trials, God is blessing you to be able to be a mom a 2nd time.
Sending prayers, Lyn
Dear Crystal,
I labored for 18 hours without an epidural. The 10 of those hours that I spent in the hospital I was hooked up to the IV and fetal monitor. I also had to have my labor augmented with pitocin because I was progressing slowly. I can honestly say that it wasn't bad. Uncomfortable, yes, but not horrific or anything close to it.
Some tips:
1) unstrap the monitor to use the restroom. Often. You want to keep your bladder empty to relieve pressure.
2) figure out how to position the monitor to lie on your side (if it's comfortable to you.) Being on my back was killer, but on my side was great. I brought some extra pillows from home for support. Being on your side, Jesse can easily rub your back or wherever you need it.
3) Bring some juice or popsicles to suck on, if you're allowed.
4) Bring some soothing music and/or candles.
5) Change positions often. You can even walk around (albeit in a small area) while still attached to the monitor and IV. Some hospitals have rocking chairs that you can sit in, or birth balls (both of which you can use while attached to the monitor).
6) take deep breaths and pray through each contraction
I'll be praying for you.
Katie
What a beautiful testimony, Crystal. This is truly the essence of biblical womanhood right here, isn't it.
My mom's daily Elisabeth Elliot calendar had a quote the other day that I thought of when I read this post: "Sometimes God's greatest mercies are His refusals."
And sometimes His greatest blessings come through suffering. Thank you for being a living witness of that.
I apologize in advance - I do not have time to read all the comments & someone may have already suggested these - if so, just delete..
first, if baby slows down on the moving again, you might try downing a glass of juice, or some other sweet beverage (I know - you are staying away from that...)and then lying down. The sugars seem to encourage baby to move (and they still try to say sugar doesn't affect kid's behavior!)
It works pretty quickly.
Secondly - I labored in water with my at home birth, then my next birth was in the hosp. strapped to the nasty monitor. While not nearly as nice as H2O, the toilet was MUCH better than the bed. Warm wet towels (could put in ziplock bag if you didn't want the feel of 'wet') on your lower back may help a bit.
oh - also wanted to tell you that Pampers newborn diapers are a bit smaller than the Huggies newborns (if the preemies are a bit small & other newborns are a bit big, might try the Pampers)
praying for strength & peace & grace ~ Tracy
Hi Crystal, I am a regular reader, infrequent poster.
I am leaving town for a few days and just wanted to leave a note that I will be praying for you over the next few days. Perhaps by the time I return you will already have put this behind you and posted the news of your baby's birth! I agree with so many posts here...this seems difficult, and indeed, it is difficult, but you can already see God's hand on you through this. It is a wonderful thing that your doctors are already aware of your situation and prepared for it, and you're prepared too.
With best wishes,
Laura
Crystal, you are such an inspiration to me. I totally understand how scary all of this is - and I am a doctor myself and I have been the physician who delivered many babies at the hospital. But when I gave birth to my own two children in the hospital, even I was scared. I did not like the monitors, the fact that I had to push my IV pole to the bathroom, the fact that I had to lay in bed. (I did, however, cheat a little. I never could stand the "do not eat while in labor" rule, even though I understand the logic behind it. I just always thought that it was cruel punishment to not allow a pregnant woman to eat. So I came prepared - I sneaked snack food into my overnight bag and ate it in the bathroom. I hid the wrappers at the bottom of the trashcan. But it's a secret - don't tell the nurses!) My prayers are with you.
Valerie
Crystal, I just had my 3rd pitocin induced labor & delivery on Friday. The external monitor does restrict your movement quite a bit, but you should still be able to get on a birth ball and/or rocking chair and labor on the potty (take all the potty breaks you can!) Someone else mentioned the internal monitor, which definitely has been a sanity saver for us as the externals don't seem to be able to track my babies.
Also, check with your doctor, I haven't had an epidural with any of my labors (I'm terrified of a needle in my spine), but have been given a drug called Nubain during transition. It allowed me to get a rest and takes the hard edge off the contractions, but doesn't completely block them.
Crystal-
My first baby was pretty much exactly the birth you just described except that I did have an epidural when I was dilated to a 9 (they didn't know I was that far). It was not what I would have chosen but it wasn't at all bad and certainly not a traumatic experience.
I am praying for you here in Texas!
Keri
Crystal,
Within the past year I have had a dear friend go through a very traumatic birth experience. The thing that stuck with me through it all, was her first comment to me when giving me the news. Much unlike myself, she didn't ask "why me, why can't I have a healthy body and a normal delivery?" But she said "I am completely humbled and awestruck that God would grant me the privilege to go through this and be a testimony to His greatness in this way. I wouldn't trust someone like me to carry His glory through this, so He must have more faith in me than I do." When I read your post, that was all I could think about. How privileged you are to shine the love of Christ through such a difficult circumstance. Even through your disappointment and fears, as they come and go, I am confident you and Jesse will be a glorious testimony to all that you interact with during your birthing experience. Humbling yourself to put it all out there on the blog is only the tip of the iceberg! Looking forward to hearing wonderful news of how the Lord is working through it all.
Oh Crystal, I have had you on my mind and heart all day since I read this post, and I pray that God will encourage you and give you peace!! I don't have anything profound to share; I have never been induced or had the kinds of health issues that you've been having, but I did have the experience of being hooked to monitors and having to be in bed for the whole labor with my first child, due to pre-eclampsia problems (and I too had hoped to labor in the tub). Lying on my side was definitely the most comfortable position, as others have mentioned.
I know you will do great no matter what happens, but I will be praying that things will work out so that you may still be able to labor in the tub after all!!
Thanks for sharing all that you are dealing with, so we know how best to pray for you and baby. Take care!
You shouldn't have to apologize for how you are truly feeling to your readers. One of the things I appreciate the most about your site is how genuine and truthful your remarks and feelings are!
My prayers and thoughts are with you through these trying times.
((Hugs)) and prayers.
"Weeping may endure for the night, but joy cometh in the morning."
I'm so sorry, Crystal, to read about what you're going through. I've not had children myself so I can't pretend to fully understand but as an ME sufferer I know how it feels to be weak, wobbly and confined to the couch.
I shall keep praying for you & your family. God's right in there with you, of that I feel sure!
Not sure if this helps at all, but when I was in labor my baby also had to be monitored at all times. I was able to labor in the water due to the fact that the hospital had water-proof/cordless external monitors. Might be worth asking about.
I also had to be induced when I was planning for a natural labor. Nothing went according to 'my' plan and it was really difficult for me to accept. However, in hindsight I realize that 'my' plan wouldn't have resulted in trusting the Lord and could have placed a higher risk on the baby.
It has been hard to get over the fact that things went way differently (induction, 48+ hours of labor, emergecny c-section b/c the baby was 11+ lbs!), but the Lord has been faithful to walk me through it. He will do the same for you, no matter what the outcome of labor may be.
Praying for you during this time.
Just to encourage you,Crystal,God is with you every step of the way,even when things don't go to plan.
I had a very similar blood problem during my first pregnancy.The doctors thought i had lost 2 litres of blood, but no one knew where it went! I ended up having a blood transfusion at 6 months,& then had a visit from the oncologist,asking if I had a family history of leukemia. We had many people praying for me & I really felt Jesus carrying me at that time.My uterus was also riddled with fibroids,which caused incredible pain,& hospitalization for pain relief & check ups throughout the pregnancy.Our first daughter was born via ceaserean because of the growths.My blood readings returned to normal after the pregnancy.
I too have been humbled through illness.I had major surgery to have all the fibroids removed when my daughter was a year old, then I conceived again.I was booked in for another C-section due to all of my scar tissue, but Zara didn't want to wait that long! I nearly died following her very sudden birth & felt quite down & let down by God,as I was too ill to care for her myself for several weeks. A lady from my church sent a card that read, "All things work out together for good..." I broke down realizing that at that moment I wasn't believing the "ALL things" bit.My husband prayed with me, & I began to thank the Lord for saving my life-through blood transfusions- & for my precious daughter.Nothing went as planned in my book, but God had things he needed to work in me.
My precious girls are now 5 & 3 & I have a special closeness with my little one, despite being unable to nurse or care for her in the early days.
Sorry this is so long. I hope it encourages you as you rest in Him
Claire
Crystal, I am so sorry things are not looking like they're going to go the way you had planned and hoped. I know by your words that you have the right attitude - the only attitude - that will see you through this time with peace. God is glorified in our weakness.
I am not going to share the details of my deliveries with you right now, other than to say that the last 3 of my 6 deliveries have been planned C-sections. My first also ended in a C-section.
I would often feel like I lived in the wrong century - until I realized that I would have died in childbirth with my first child. Even born 20 years earlier would probably have limited the number of children I could have carried because of the invasiveness of earlier C-sections.
God has been very, very gracious to my husband and I. Despite my less than perfect ability to deliver babies (and the problems I have while carrying them) - He has blessed us again and again. He placed me right where He wanted me - in the time and place that has made my life the fullest possible.
I cannot convey my tone through the written words, so please know this is said in a very gentle, loving tone that carries a hug with it. Part of maturing is realizing that the image of certain life moments is not necessarily the reality of those life events. And while there will be a part of you that longs for the feelings of security and sweet innocence that you knew before this experience, nothing compares with the blessed assurance you will have knowing that your Lord has carried your through despite this set of circumstances.
Jesus loves me! This I know,
For the Bible tells me so.
Little ones to Him belong;
We are weak, but He is strong.
Yes! Jesus loves me!
Praying for you, dear one. I know you can get through this because your faith is in Him, the source of all strength and peace.
Oh Crystal, you are growing up God's way. These are the very things in life that will anchor your roots deeper in Him. We do not always view these growing pains as pleasant until we experience the blessings of coming through them with character that is more like Him.
Keep clinging and leaning on His Everlasting Arms, for that is exactly where He wants you. Read His Word and sing Hymns during those weak moments. What a testimony you will be to Kathrynne in doing so.
Blessings,
Theresa
Dear Crystal, I'm so sorry you are suffering so much. I'll pray for you! I hope that you have a healthy baby and a birth that isn't too wretched. Have you read the book, "Childbirth without fear"? I'm reading it and it has calmed me down alot about birth. That and living on a farm where I see hundreds of births going on around me! This sure has taken away a lot of the scary unknowns.
May God bless you with a happy and healthy baby! GOD BLESS!
Michelle Therese
Crystal - you are so in my prayers. What a wonderful attitude you have. Again, you are a great inspiration. God has indeed allowed this to happen for a reason - one definitely being that you might cling to Him more and rely on Him and Him alone. I know just what this feels like! Keep pressing on dear sister, you are almost there! Blessings to you :)
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