"Marriage today... is about personal satisfaction..."
Children rank as the highest source of personal fulfillment for their parents but have dropped to one of the least-cited factors in a successful marriage, according to a national survey to be released today.
In a study that shows how separately marriage and children are viewed, Americans expressed great passion for their sons and daughters but clearly did not see them as the glue of their adult relationships.
On a list of nine contributors to success in marriage, children were trumped by faithfulness, a happy sexual relationship, household chore-sharing, economic factors such as adequate income and good housing, common religious beliefs, and shared tastes and interests, the nonprofit Pew Research Center found."Marriage today, like the rest of our lives, is about personal satisfaction," said Andrew J. Cherlin, a sociology and public policy professor at Johns Hopkins University, noting that there are mixed consequences for the changing views of marriage.
Hat-tip to Amy for the link to this interesting article. While I don't believe a good marriage has to include children (as some very wonderful couples I know cannot have children), I do think it is sad that people believe the reason one should get married is for personal satisfaction. No wonder many marriages aren't working nowadays.
I completely agree with the end of the article:
Joyce, a father of two, has been married 29 years. "Marriage is not a picnic," he says, but it's worth the bumpy road, the highs and lows -- and he laments what he sees as a self-centeredness that has taken hold.
"I think what we're running into a lot anymore is people saying, 'It needs to be about me.' And it doesn't. It needs to be about 'us' or about 'we.' Anything that's based on a 'me' scenario isn't going to last very long."
posted by Crystal Paine at 11:33 AM
10 Comments:
Crystal,
Way to go.
The Church teaches that marriage exists for three basic and co-equal purposes: mutual satisfaction and edification, the preservation of chastity, and, where God wills it, the procreation of children.
An interesting survey...Genesis seems to lay the foundation of marriage quite clearly. Man and woman were placed together for company first and procreation second.
Not saying this to anyone in particular, just a further thought: I would argue that the Biblical purpose of marriage goes much deeper than mutual satisfaction or companionship, though I definitely believe those things are a part of a Godly marriage. I don't have time to write a long dissertation on the subject right now, but in a nutshell: I believe the first purpose of a Christian marriage should be to glorify God.
The reason a Christian couple should marry is not because they are "in love" or because a couple "seems like a great match." I believe that the first and primary reason, as Christians, for marrying is so that as a couple you can more completely serve and glorify God together than you could unmarried. In that context, love and romance are so beautiful and glorious! Becoming one for the purpose of glorifying God is magnificent!
It reminds of the somewhat cliche advice, "love is a choice and an act, not a feeling." I think that is so true. Your spouse may not always be "loveable" or provide satisfaction, but you should always love (verb form) even if you are not feeling the noun form of it. :)
Marriage too oft has only an earthly focus. We should consider the aspects of oneness and submission and mutual love concerning earthly marriage as it is to portray the oneness and submission and mutual love between the Father and Son. The Bride of Christ ~ the Body of Christ...the Church ~ for example, is a love gift from the Father to the Son that the Son will give to the Father(see Pulpit Magazine's recent posting on the Church...think part 3). For those in Christ, husband and wife, we are symbolized in the Jewish wedding custom...the Father chooses the Bride for the Son, the Son has returned to His Father's House to prepare the Bridal Chamber, the Father determines when it is finished, the Son will return for His Bride. Just as the Bride of Christ is cherished and cared for toward being all that God would have Her be...so should the care and love be between earthly spouses. Children are a heritage of the Lord ~ to be viewed and loved and raised accordingly, rather than possessions and extensions of ourselves or merely for display or to be entertained. Marriage with or without children isn't to be all about us(though God is so very gracious in blessing us through such) but is designed to glorify God, as Crystal shared. Even in singleness...individuals in Christ are so blessed with a Heavenly Beloved. Awesome.
How beautiful it would be if everyone entering into such covenant would be more heavenly than earthly minded. Imagine God's glory...and peace within homes...if it were only so.
This is a very interesting and complex subject. I would agree that a) marriages work better when the emphasis is laid on 'we' rather than 'me'; and b) it is the best place to bring up children.
As you rightly say though Crystal, not all marriages are blessed with children and that it doesn't automatically follow that they are 'bad'! I have known for many years that I cannot have children but my husband and I are very happy nonetheless - he knew I was infertile before we married. I console myself with the thought that God must have other work for me to do!
I do also wonder that if a couple are having difficulties in their marriage, then that it is perhaps not the right time to bring children into it - wait until things are more settled. I've heard that the stress of a new baby can cause an already rocky relationship to founder. Having said that, God does know best and I guess everything happens in His good time!
Incidentally, the UK has the highest number of schoolgirl mothers in Europe - not a statistic of which we can be proud.
I also heard this talk on the radio and enjoyed reading these comments. I love what it says about marriage in the LDS declaration--The Family: A Proclamation to the World. In there, it states: "Marriage between man and woman is essential to His eternal plan. Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities."
If a marriage is blessed with children and these principles are followed, then it seems to me that everything falls into place naturally.
The Proclamation goes on to say, " Husband and wife have a solemn responsibility to love and care for each other and for their children. "Children are an heritage of the Lord" (Psalms 127:3). Parents have a sacred duty to rear their children in love and righteousness, to provide for their physical and spiritual needs, to teach them to love and serve one another, to observe the commandments of God and to be law-abiding citizens wherever they live. Husbands and wives—mothers and fathers—will be held accountable before God for the discharge of these obligations."
I like that.
**Sigh** No wonder marriages don't seem to last these days.
Exactly! No wonder divorce rates are soaring if people just try to get a bigger share of the blanket. It just does last!
"I do think it is sad that people believe the reason one should get married is for personal satisfaction. No wonder many marriages aren't working nowadays." - amen, Crystal. Self-centred marriages will never work and will only lead to disappointment, bitterness, and conflict. God knows what He's talking about when He calls husbands and wives to prefer the other above themselves. I'm so glad there are couples like you and Jesse who are modelling this!
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