I have more important things to do
There have been a lot of sad anti-child sentiments being expressed in the media of late by authors or individuals, who, riding on the coat-tails of Linda Hirschman, are looking for their one minute of fame. Yes, write about why having children is "evil" and you'll get people talking about you. However, considering that all of us were once children ourselves, I think it's pretty silly for one to make it their life's mission to say people shouldn't have children. I mean, c'mon, what if the parents of these same people had taken to the advice?
At the end of my life, it won't matter how much money I made or didn't make, what kind of house I lived in, what kind of clothes I wore, what kind of car I drove, what kind of job I had (or didn't have), or how far I climbed (or didn't climb) up the corporate ladder. No, none of these things will matter. How I lived my life as a wife and mother will matter. Whether I was faithful in the calling God has given me to raise my precious daughters for the glory of God - that will matter.
While the world opines about whether children cramp your style or kill your desires, or gives 40 reasons not to have children (Yes, there's even a new book with that subtitle!), I'll spend my days happily changing diapers, kissing owies, laughing at the silly antics of a two-year-old (who knew that one little girl could provide such much-needed levity in our home?), and saying, for the umpteenth time in a day, "I love you sooo much. You are sooo beautiful."
I wouldn't trade my life - humble and simple as it is - for all the high-falutin career women of the world put together. You can keep your fancy cars and your McMansions with perfectly manicured lawns and decorator interiors. You can keep your designer clothes and expensive jewelry. You can keep your six-figure paychecks and trips to Cancun. I have much more important things to do with my life - I'm raising the next generation.
At the end of my life, it won't matter how much money I made or didn't make, what kind of house I lived in, what kind of clothes I wore, what kind of car I drove, what kind of job I had (or didn't have), or how far I climbed (or didn't climb) up the corporate ladder. No, none of these things will matter. How I lived my life as a wife and mother will matter. Whether I was faithful in the calling God has given me to raise my precious daughters for the glory of God - that will matter.
While the world opines about whether children cramp your style or kill your desires, or gives 40 reasons not to have children (Yes, there's even a new book with that subtitle!), I'll spend my days happily changing diapers, kissing owies, laughing at the silly antics of a two-year-old (who knew that one little girl could provide such much-needed levity in our home?), and saying, for the umpteenth time in a day, "I love you sooo much. You are sooo beautiful."
I wouldn't trade my life - humble and simple as it is - for all the high-falutin career women of the world put together. You can keep your fancy cars and your McMansions with perfectly manicured lawns and decorator interiors. You can keep your designer clothes and expensive jewelry. You can keep your six-figure paychecks and trips to Cancun. I have much more important things to do with my life - I'm raising the next generation.
posted by Crystal Paine at 8:50 AM
37 Comments:
Dear Crystal,
How true!! This is something that is so prevelant in our society and if we don't keep our hearts, eyes and minds where they should be, we'll quickly buy into the lie that children are no good.
Oh may God give us grace to stay strong...
Bethany
Well, it sounds like you raise your girls in a traditional manner...with love AND discipline. This creates children that are a joy to be around. These are the children you enjoy. However, our society sometimes elevates children above the rest of the family unit. Mothers don't see their husbands and can't tend house because they are going to classes and child centered activities from the time their children are infants! From what I can tell...many of these children are mouthy, spoiled and ill mannered...not joys to be around at all! Unfortunately, these are the children that attract the negative attention...and give all children a stereotype.
Crystal, I started reading the article you linked to, but after a few paragraphs, I just couldn't take it anymore. The selfishness and self-centeredness of the author were so sad to observe. She sounds like a bitter, unhappy woman, unaware of the joy of giving abundant and unconditional love. AND, I feel so sorry for *her* poor children. I wonder what her 13-year-old daughter will say when she sees this... 'Mommy, so were we not worth having? Are we a burden? Did we ruin your life?' - This is simply heartbreaking. I wonder how she explains to her children that she regrets being their Mommy because she would prefer having fancy clothes, restaurants and trips to art galleries.
I am with you Crystal!
Oh how it breaks my heart to think that most families are missing out on one of the greatest gifts the Lord has given us on this earth; each other.
And I agree that you couldn't give me the world and all it's treasures, glory, and fame in exchange for even one day of sweet loving, laughter, hugs, kisses, night-night prayers, silly songs of glee, and the word "mommy" coming from my precious girls.
Keep sharing the truth!
You are so right. I wouldn't trade my life for anything else but precious children! Sure, my kids can drive me nuts sometimes, but when they bring me joy, those bad moments are forgotten! Now that I'm in my 4th pregnancy (still don't know yet if it's singleton or multiples), my life will be much more chaotic, and I STILL won't trade it for any thing else! 8^D
Now.... does that mean those who choose to have no children are bad? No. Not all are bad. Some may be selfish. However, it's none of our business whether those who choose to have no children or choose to have children. It's not immoral to have no children, provided it's not for the selfish reasons. We cannot bind what the Bible hasn't bound.
For those people like the author you mentioned, I do get a little irritated at them, because they chose to be so bitter, ignorant, etc. Not every woman is the same. The author made it seem like EVERY woman goes through the SAME thing! Not every woman is the same! I couldn't deliver my babies naturally - so what? I got healthy kids! Not all breastfeeding is painful! Mine did get painful a little bit at first, but the better I got at it, it was a great time. I actually looked forward to breastfeeding, because those were my "quiet" times. 8^D Sure kids can be overwhelming or driving you nuts, but if you do your job right, they will grow to be blessings! This author obviously didn't do her job right, or she wouldn't have been so negative.
Sorry for the very long post! ;^D
That article you linked to made me want to cry....how sad...I would rather be the mother of one child than have all the money, the fame, the popularity and the beauty in all the world. How could women NOT want to cradle a newborn in their arms after just being born, or rock a wailing child in their arms after a nightmare? I am truly saddened at our society that tags children as inconveniences.
Dear Crystal,
I honestly think that women like Corinne are from the 'We Can Have It All' Generation of women who find out that no-one can 'have it all' and are not happy about it. Not, of course, that all women of the seventies and eighties are like that, but it is pretty prevalent.
Happy story though :). In my school, (of what I believe is a 'junior' in an American high school?) my teacher asked the girls if they would consider having children. Almost all said yes. The two that didn't did not do so out of anti-child sentiment. About half of the girls said that they would probably stay at home with the children too, at least for the first few years! So maybe the next generation of mothers will not wish they never had children.
The only thing I can say about Corinne Maier is that I feel so very sorry for her poor children who "live in their own world". If I had a mother who wrote a book about how much she wishes she hadn't had me, I think I would live in my own world too!
Lorna
Well, people who feel like this author does SHOULD NOT have children! I feel for her kids. I also agree with the hypocrisy you pointed out . . . we all started out as babies and children and had parents who sacrificed for us. I don't think you have to give up everything in your life that you enjoy once you marry and have children . . . but personal pleasure, fun, and ambitions do have to take a back seat. For example, I love to run. I fit in three 30 minute runs on my treadmill each week, and occasionally one outside. I take my daughter for walks the other days. No, I will not be able to have the race times I had before I had my daughter with that "training schedule," but I can still enjoy running and do it in a way that does not interfere with my role as a wife and mom. Honestly, I look into the future and I hope to see myself a middle aged mother with a teenaged daughter jogging beside her down a beautiful wooded path! By being a parent, you can share the things in your life you enjoy with those you love! I love seeing my daughter's face light up when she pets a goat at a petting zoo! Sure, it may not be as intellectually gratifying as going to a museum, but the wonder and pure innocence of young children is amazing! Honestly, I wonder what my future will look like once my child(ren) are older and move on. I must admit, that any other full time pursuit seems meaningless. I'm a teacher by trade and my husband and decided that I should teach a couple classes for our local community college one semester a year to keep my credentials current. However much I love teaching, it really feels very empty compared to being the full time mother of a beautiful little girl.
Well, I'm rambling on an on. I guess I just feel so sad for this woman's children. If you don't want to have children, that is your choice, but why do you need to say things in a public manner that can hurt your children and the children of others. Validating adult feelings seems more important than protecting the tender feelings and developing emotions of children.
Go Girl! Couldn't have said it better myself. Isn't is sad how other people have to tear women that want to be wifes and mothers down? Well done, my friend.
Wow! I needed to hear this. I love my life. But recently have been feeling a little discontent! Thanks!
Chrissy T
Thanks for the articles - very interesting.
However, I would be careful to lump all working mothers into the category of 'six figure salaries, designer decorated houses, manicured lawns, McMansions, etc'. Sure, some of them have that but so do some SAHM's.
Most working mothers I know have regular houses, no interior designers and are lucky to make a slight portion of a six figure salary. There lives are anything but glamorous, they don't relish working outside the home and love their children just as much as a SAHM does.
I think grouping working mothers that way is a dangerous thing to do. I understand this was after linking to those articles - but again, I would submit that most working Mums do not have that glamorous lifestyle.
Just food for thought...
By the way to lady that commented about mothers who take their children to classes and can't tend homes and husbands. I just wanted to say that I do "balanced" outings with my kids. I think it is important and we all love it. But my children are well behaved (on the most part they are kids) and I make sure my husband's needs and my home needs are met at the same time. So, I do think you can still do activities and outings in a balanced manner and still have a well function and traditinal mannered family!!
Anonymous: Absolutely. :)
A woman who holds her career up above her family is the woman I am referring to here. Much different from a woman who *must* work and tries to do everything possible to put her family first, inspite of her having to work some.
If you are going to put your career and personal ambitions first and foremost (which I think is wrong, but that's for another post...), than I agree wholeheartedly with Mrs. H, you shouldn't have children. You're not fit to be a parent. Strong words, I know, but I truly believe that children deserve something much better than being sacrificed on the altar of career.
I started to read some of her reasons on not having children -oh they sounded funny but unfortunatly for her they are real reasons not to have children!!How sad.
I am long past being a mother of a newborn and toddler but with 2 teenagers. We are in a season that will end even faster then I want-You are right -ENJOY BEING A MOM!!
I recently heard of a friend who really felt convicted to stay home even though she wasn't a mom yet. She prayed, her husband searched the scriptures and they both agreed that having her home even before the kids were born would be what they would do. It's a huge stretch financially but they feel it's in obedience to God's word.
Thanks for the articles Crystal!
I do think there are some people who weren't meant to be parents. I think it's a good thing when those same people realize it; versus the people who shouldn't be parents and irresponsibly (immorally) get pregnant and abuse or neglect their children.
I was particularly shocked by the comments in the article. I live in a large city where I know many childless couples, but I haven't heard them say as terrible things as what some of the commenters wrote.
I just got married and am expecting my first child (I'm 32) and I can't imagine making different choices in this arena. I really hope the author of that article has a long talk with her children... because how could they not be hurt?
Hi Crystal,
I agree that much of the anti-child sentiment that's out there is ridiculous. But I also take issue with the other extreme--arguing that careers must be less meaningful and significant than raising children.
Not all career women (or men, for that matter) aspire to own expensive cars or build "McMansions with perfectly manicured lawns and decorator interiors," as you imply. Some are genuinely trying to make the world a better place through their life's work. Teachers, doctors, lawyers, and writers all have daily opportunities to enact positive changes in others' lives, and the effects of those changes are often felt for generations. Raising our children to be happy, competent, and generous adults matters tremendously, but it's not the only way to make a lasting difference.
Amen, Crystal! These feministic articles and books are certainly very sad proof of the selfishness of our society. I read some of the lists for not having children and every single statement had selfishness and self love at it's root. For example, they say that having children means that you can no longer eat at a high class restaurant. Then they act like that is such a sacrifice. You are a wonderful example of godly motherhood. I thank you for that!
Elizabeth - see my comment to Anonymous above. :) And just to be clear, when I wrote this post, I was not referring to "all career women" or even career women. I was actually referring to the mentality which says things are more important than people. Or that raising children is not an important work.
you know one day our kids will be taking care of those people when they are in nursing homes. our kids will be changing their bedpans and giving them sponge baths. maybe they should think about that.
Strangely enough, I actually don't find this article all that scary. Obviously, this Corinne Maier woman is suffering from some sort of mental condition. Her level of self-absorption and immaturity is unprecedented.
Given the fact that the premise of her book is completely absurd, my guess is that the people who purchase it will do so just for the novelty of it.
She strikes me as someone who says shocking things just for the sake of the shock. Moreover, she's actually probably helping the idea of motherhood b/c people who are luke warm about it will jump to its defense when they read her ridiculously selfish statements.
What scares me more is women who are simply indifferent about being women...women who are mothers and wives, but lacking any sort of Godly passion. Sure, no one handles every situation perfectly and w/out stress or frustration, but the women who fail to learn to rise above these moments, more often than not, are the people I really feel sorry for b/c they will look back @ their lives and wonder why they wasted so much time complaining, serving grudgingly and taking their blessings for granted.
I read that article yesterday, and it truly sickened me. It's bad enough as is, but to read that the author has children and still wrote that book... All I can say is that her poor children will probably be in therapy someday, and if they are, I hope they send her the bill!
My husband and I are childless-by-choice. We have a myriad of reasons, none of which are selfish, in our opinions. We are living out what we believe God wants us to do right now. But we would never, ever list any of those ridiculous reasons that the author of that book did. We don't believe children are burdens who suck the fun out of life and ruin it. Any human who has that attitude towards kids has something a little off, IMO. Yes, having children forces couples to drastically change their lives, but I'd hardly consider it to be a life-ruining event. Her attitude really disturbs me.
But honestly, I think her problem is just that she did things all out-of-order. She states that when you have children, the fathers leave. That's likely true for many if they are having sex out of wedlock and happen to become pregnant. It sounds to me like that is the crux of her problem. Naturally, if you have babies in a non-marital relationship, it's far easier for the father to bow out, leaving the mom to raise children alone. I'd feel pretty burdened and ruined, too, if that happened to me. But really, she brought this on herself. It's a shame that she can't see her children as bright lights in an otherwise troubled life.
I actually blogged about this the other day. The article bothered me so much, it took me a little while to shake it off! I look at my 3 wonderful children and the laughter and joy they bring me and I cannot understand how someone could feel that way? What is really at the root of all this is selfishness and bitterness. I feel so bad for these women who lack any joy. And the truth is, they could have all that they claim they are missing out on and probably still be unhappy. But thankfully there are many more women who love their children and enjoy every moment of being a mommy! Truly though, it begins with peace and joy that comes from Christ to have the ability to enjoy His gifts in life. Having babies and husbands does not guarantee happiness! But committing your life to the Savior does!
I write the following just to point out that each person has differing circumstances in life and that outside appearances are not always what they seem.
Just because some of us have what many people define as "careers" does not mean we are all "career women".
And just because some of us have jobs and dont have children, it doesnt mean that it is because of selfish choice.
Some of us want to be mothers more than anything, but remain childless due to infertility. While we wait,hope and pray that God might choose to heal us of this barreness, we are confronted daily by mostly well-meaning friends,relatives,co-workers who question our goals in life.
I have what most would consider a "career" for this season of my life because this is what my husband asks of me, because I feel that I am doing what God wants me to be doing at this point in my life, and I also happen to enjoy my job and feel I am making a real difference in the lives of people.
I read the article that Crystal is referring to and like most other's, pity that woman's poor children. I work in a female dominated profession-nursing. I see a definite resurgence of young women preferring to stay home with their children rather than work outside the home. Maybe its just that these types of women choose nursing because its a historically feminine profession, but it also offers about the most flexible scheduling that allows you to be home most of the time, but also work a little, if that's what you need to do.
The other thing I do notice is, the ladies of my mother's generation (though not my mother)seem to look down on those of us that choose to have our "hearts in the home". They are baffeled that we dont want to pick up extra shifts, come to work early and stay past quitting time. I havent decided if this is due to the guilt over the choices they've made in life to put their families on the back burner or if they really believe the lies that you can "have it all".
Jill
Crystal, for what it's worth, I'm a feminist with a good job, and I think this Corinne woman's a loon.
I wasn't going to comment but the dialogue between Crystal and Elizabeth got me. My 13 year old daughter recently asked me if having children means that a woman has to give up her dreams. I was shocked by the question but also saddened by the reality that despite my best efforts, she was still somehow being influenced by the messages the world espouses. To be honest, I felt like I had failed in some way. However, once I shook of the initial shock and sadness, I saw it as a valuable opportunity to reteach the principles of God's word concerning marriage and family, and more importantly, to point out the fact that the things we place our value in today have eternal consequences. Making a difference in the world may be a wonderful thing to do, but not if it's at the expense of the priorities that God has outlined in scripture. Given the ever darkening world we live in, I don't think I can make a more important contribution to the world than to raise children of faith and integrity. In addition, I think that Crystal and this very forum she moderates is a wonderful example of the fact that you can make a diiference without compromising your convictions and your family life.
Sigh...sadly, these are the types of people that often make me question "Why, oh Lord?"
There are some like myself, having lost a precious, living child way before their time who would do anything in their life to see them even one more time.
And then there are people like this woman who does not appreciate for one second what God has given her. She should have thought about what having children really means before she went and had a few, only to impose her selfish life upon them. I feel quite badly for these children. Perhaps they will feel "put upon" when dear mommy becomes sick in her old age & now she must be cared for. I pray she somehow has a heart change.
It makes you question the fairness of it all, really.
joyfullwifemom...I am very glad that your life is balanced. :) However, I think we all know at least one mom who dotes on her children to the detriment of her other duties, and her "mothering" may be great in grace but lacking in discipline. Balance is important in all things.
Crystal,
After reading your blog entry today I just had to share something I read in Lorrie Flem's TEACH Magazine today along these same lines. It was an article by Rachael Carman titled "All at a Red Light" and you can read it at the following link: http://www.rdcministries.org/redlight.html. I am so thankful for the Lord's radically different plan in my life.
Thanks also to you for the encouragement I receive through your and your readers.
I skimmed that article you gave us the link to and it is absolutely disgusting. It is so horrifying and shocking it feels like it cannot be true!
What must it feel like to be her kids?
I will admit there are moments as a Mom when I struggle with selfish thoughts and wish I could "do what I want", but that's just it... they are SELFISH. I think it is okay to admit that can happen. It is what I do next that is so very important. Do I act on those feelings or bring them before my Lord? I know as I come to Him in honesty, He will help me to change and love more perfectly... like He does. I would guess that feelings or thoughts like these can flash through most, if not all moms, occasionaly. But, that certainly doesn't mean I or other loving moms regret having children!!
Children are a gift! I pray that God will change Maier's (& others like her) heart and mind to see the truth. As much as I want to belittle her, she deserves our love and sympathy. It is sad to see someone with such an attitude. She certainly is not right, but she also clearly is deceived and trapped by sinful, ungodly attitudes.
As a mother of 7, I would rather spend a lifetime with them than to have to spend 1 second without them.
Reading that article produced the same reaction I would have had from hearing about a murder or a car crash. I literally SHIVERED, pressed my hands to my eyes, and then thought, "There but for the grace of God go I."
(Is that unkind of me?)
May the Lord have mercy on that poor woman's soul . . . because she has NO fear of Him.
Crystal - I am delurking to comment on this story, largely because yours is the first link I found to it. I read your blog on occasion out of curiosity but I am not interested in debating here (this place strikes me as an encouragement place, not a 'debate' place). Just thought you might like to know there is a woman out here who identifies as feminist (soon-to-be first time mom, in fact) who also thinks Ms. Meier's diatribe is sad. Sad and, frankly, myopic. I respect people's reasons for not having children, and unlike many ladies on this board, being essentially agnostic I see neither a particular duty to have children or not have them. But they are human beings for crying out loud. Human beings whose parents chose to bring them into the world. They do not exist specifically and with malevolent intent to inconvenience people. They are young and not-fully-formed, and since they're here, their guardians owe them love and guidance so they can one day find a place in the world as productive and hopefully well-adjusted, happy adults. Honestly I respect the choice to be childfree but "child-loathing" mystifies me - and public child-loathing by someone who is a parent actually really disturbs me. Sure we can all admit parenthood is not some bed of roses. No one said everyone has to absolutely adore children. But children are a fact of life like anything else - and if we mess them up with poor treatment, that's really sad, and we pay the price later.
I wouldn't say I find my entire purpose in life as a wife and mother, although of course I am both - but my husband and I are looking forward to the challenges of parenthood.
There - just felt I needed to say something!
Oh and I happen to love zoos, though I hope my son will enjoy art galleries as well. :-)
I agree wholeheartedly with you, Crystal! I think that sometimes we need to get fired up over the anti-child sentiments of our culture so that we can become more passionate about what we are doing in our homes for the glory of God! So often we can allow ourselves to be bogged down by the daily grind of caring, raising and teaching our children that we can loose our passion for loving and nurturing them in tangible ways beyond just providing for their physical and educational needs. This makes me want to go and whisper in each one of my sleeping children's ears: "I love you, and I treasure every moment that I have with you!" I think that I will:) God Bless!
In His Love,
Tammy
Please do not forget that there are some of us ladies who would love to be SAHM's, but our husbands insist that we work outside the home. I must work outside the home in order to be obedient to my husband, who is a kind, caring man, but insists that I work. Not all ladies who work outside the home do so because they want to. (Debi Pearl makes some mention of this in "Created", that basically if your husband says that you must work outside the home, then that is what you must do. So that is what I do.)
Anonymous: I agree. See my earlier comments on this thread. :)
Oh Amen, Amen, Amen, Crystal (again)! "Nuff said, lol.
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