Oh, me of little faith
Ever have days where you feel completely overwhelmed and drowning? That was me this week.
Jesse left the beginning of this week for a six-day business trip and I stayed back home to hold down the fort. A simple task, I thought.
When Jesse had first planned this trip, some months back, we were intending for the whole family to go and we'd make a vacation out of it. Then some things came up and it seemed like it wouldn't be the best move financially. I quickly assured Jesse that we'd be fine. Really. I mean, he'd taken some two and three day business trips in the past when we'd had Kathrynne. Surely this wouldn't be much different.
I had visions of all this extra time I would have and had made up an elaborate list of all these things I was going to get accomplished. Don't ask me what I was thinking.
The moment Jesse was out the door, I started feeling overwhelmed. And that was just the beginning.
Kathrynne and Kaitlynn decided that being without Daddy was just one of the hardest things they'd ever had to deal with. Usually very cheerful and easy-to-manage little girls, this week they turned into whining, constantly needy, very draining children.
It seemed that every two minutes one or the other or both was crying. And this went on almost all day long and into the night.
Of course, this would also be the week I had a post planned on having a good attitude in difficult circumstances.
Let me tell you, there were certainly some times this week that I didn't have the best of attitudes. My poor husband would call and be all cheerful and excited, and I would just play the martyr.
"I'm overwhelmed. I can't do this. All they are doing is crying. I miss you so much. Can you please come home?"
Yep, that pretty much summed up the essence of most of the conversation. So much for me being a strong woman.
It took me three days to finally wake up to the fact that I was trying to do this in my own strength. I realized I was just like Peter when he attempted to walk on water:
But then when there were two children clamoring for attention, when I surveyed the dirty dishes, the dirty laundry, and even the all-pervading smell of dirty diapers, I felt swallowed up by the waves of despair.
Instead of looking to the Lord, I tried harder myself. I stayed up late, got up early, and fell even more into martyr-mode.
Until it finally hit me - you can't do this in your own strength.
It was amazing. Once I realized that and gave it all over to the Lord and looked to Him for my strength and sustenance, nothing changed in my immediate circumstances, but it seemed as if everything had changed.
I had a song in my heart, a spring in my step, and a firm resolve to face whatever challenges the day held - in the strength of the Lord. And God brought us through!
I'm so thankful for opportunities to realize how needy I am everyday (every minute!) of the grace of the Lord. Mothering has a way of doing that to you!
God's grace is sufficient, even in my inadequacies. When I look to Him, I have the grace to carry through - to change yet another diaper, to fold another load of laundry, to clean up yet another mess - with a smile on my face.
"When my heart is overwhelmed, lead me to the Rock that is higher than I."
Edit: I just had to note that I have a whole new appreciation for all of you single mamas and mamas whose husbands are deployed or gone for long stretches of time. I honestly have no idea how you do it, but you have my utmost admiration!
Jesse left the beginning of this week for a six-day business trip and I stayed back home to hold down the fort. A simple task, I thought.
When Jesse had first planned this trip, some months back, we were intending for the whole family to go and we'd make a vacation out of it. Then some things came up and it seemed like it wouldn't be the best move financially. I quickly assured Jesse that we'd be fine. Really. I mean, he'd taken some two and three day business trips in the past when we'd had Kathrynne. Surely this wouldn't be much different.
I had visions of all this extra time I would have and had made up an elaborate list of all these things I was going to get accomplished. Don't ask me what I was thinking.
The moment Jesse was out the door, I started feeling overwhelmed. And that was just the beginning.
Kathrynne and Kaitlynn decided that being without Daddy was just one of the hardest things they'd ever had to deal with. Usually very cheerful and easy-to-manage little girls, this week they turned into whining, constantly needy, very draining children.
It seemed that every two minutes one or the other or both was crying. And this went on almost all day long and into the night.
Of course, this would also be the week I had a post planned on having a good attitude in difficult circumstances.
Let me tell you, there were certainly some times this week that I didn't have the best of attitudes. My poor husband would call and be all cheerful and excited, and I would just play the martyr.
"I'm overwhelmed. I can't do this. All they are doing is crying. I miss you so much. Can you please come home?"
Yep, that pretty much summed up the essence of most of the conversation. So much for me being a strong woman.
It took me three days to finally wake up to the fact that I was trying to do this in my own strength. I realized I was just like Peter when he attempted to walk on water:
And Peter answered him and said, Lord, if it be thou, bid me come unto thee on the water. And he said, Come. And when Peter was come down out of the ship, he walked on the water, to go to Jesus. But when he saw the wind boisterous, he was afraid; and beginning to sink, he cried, saying, Lord, save me. And immediately Jesus stretched forth his hand, and caught him, and said unto him, O thou of little faith, wherefore didst thou doubt? -Matthew 14:28-31Here I was saying "I can do this. I can manage these two children and our home all by myself."
But then when there were two children clamoring for attention, when I surveyed the dirty dishes, the dirty laundry, and even the all-pervading smell of dirty diapers, I felt swallowed up by the waves of despair.
Instead of looking to the Lord, I tried harder myself. I stayed up late, got up early, and fell even more into martyr-mode.
Until it finally hit me - you can't do this in your own strength.
It was amazing. Once I realized that and gave it all over to the Lord and looked to Him for my strength and sustenance, nothing changed in my immediate circumstances, but it seemed as if everything had changed.
I had a song in my heart, a spring in my step, and a firm resolve to face whatever challenges the day held - in the strength of the Lord. And God brought us through!
I'm so thankful for opportunities to realize how needy I am everyday (every minute!) of the grace of the Lord. Mothering has a way of doing that to you!
God's grace is sufficient, even in my inadequacies. When I look to Him, I have the grace to carry through - to change yet another diaper, to fold another load of laundry, to clean up yet another mess - with a smile on my face.
"When my heart is overwhelmed, lead me to the Rock that is higher than I."
Edit: I just had to note that I have a whole new appreciation for all of you single mamas and mamas whose husbands are deployed or gone for long stretches of time. I honestly have no idea how you do it, but you have my utmost admiration!
posted by Crystal Paine at 11:30 PM
34 Comments:
Our family memory verse for this month is; 'The things which are impossible with men are possible with God.' Luke 18:27
You can just imagine how many times I have repeated this to myself...and we're only halfway through the month!
It really helps to remember that without Him, we are nothing; He decides all the whens, whys and hows in our lives. And when you come to love and trust Him, that's so reassuring!
My husband is in the USA at a Pastors conference this week. He goes this week every year.
It really does get easier!!!
My oldest 2 are showering and dressing themselves now and my youngest is nearly there - he's 3.
3 years ago I felt how you do to-day.
UNFORTUNATELY, it passes!!
Relying on Him alone for our strength.
Elaine
My hubby is military...I know how tough it is to be without a daddy. Hang in there! =)
I had a very similar week this week, and found that while I had plans to do this and that and they were not coming together, the Lord had a different plan for me! My frustration came in not seeking Him to show me the BEST plans for the day or week, instead of what I thought needed to be done. I always do so much better when I take time to pray and seek God on even a little thing like my to do list. It is during this time I often see all of the things I want to do and so little of what He wants to do. It is during this time I see all the ME statements in my day, and forget that He wants me to leave time for the needy and others who need me!
Thanks Crystal! I am a military wife and surely needed this reminder.
Like I said in email, I know this too well. My dad was in the military leaving my mother with the three of us for 1-2 weeks, usually in MN, usually in the dead on winter. We always got sick, whiny and cabin feverish. Hats off on surviving!
OH Crystal! I feel I'm in that place of utter dependence on the Lord and desperate need when it comes to mothering my two sons constantly! I walk around singing that song, "Lead me to the Rock that is higher than I..." all the time.
Our God is so gracious and good, nevertheless learning and growing His way is hard. It's hard to recognize our inadaquecy especially in the areas such as mothering where we feel we should be able to do well.
The story of Elisha's widow in 2 Kings 4:1-7 always speaks to me. My husband is not dead literally, but when he's absent or whatever I feel so completely aware that I have nothing to give my sons. Yet the Lord constantly fills me up with just what I need for the moment when I pour out what little I do have into them. He may not have given me leaps and bounds of talent when it comes to mothering but He has given me "a little oil." I have the scriptures, I can worship, and I can pray. I find that the more I focus on practicing these three with my kids, along with serving others, I am filled with joy and less aware of the draining tasks which seem to be always before me as a mother of a 4 and 2 year old.
I love your transparency on this blog. Thanks for openly sharing what we all struggle with!
I know exactly how you feel!! Before my husband joined the Army on Active Duty, we had only been apart one weekend a month while he was in the Reserves and I thought that was tough!! In the past five years, my husband has been deployed to Iraq three times - nine months the first time, twelve months the second time and now we are nine months into a fifteen month deployment!! I wanted to share this with you because I never thought I would have been able to make it even a week without my husband, let alone years at a time - it's truly amazing what we are capable of when we put our trust and faith in God to pull us through - it is only by God's Grace that we have made it as far as we have - we are truly blessed!! Having my husband gone really opens up my eyes to the many ways I take him for granted sometimes - it is certainly an opportunity for growth!! God bless you!! - Sheila
Yep. The only way to do anything including mothering alone is with God.
Not having daddy home is very taxing and draining, but I have to trust God and carry on.
What a gift you've been given to really see how blessed you are:)
Lizzie
Oh Crystal, reading this really brought back some memories for me. My husband's job takes him away periodically, & when my children were babies & toddlers, it always seemed everything went wrong as soon as he was out the door!! You are wise to realize that the most capable person in the world cannot do it alone. Your change in attitude, & leaning on God, will surely make these times much more bearable.
And yes, as your girls grow, it does get a bit easier. All the best to you & your family!
Brenda
Not that I'm married but I think God takes husbands away so that He can get our attention.
hope you have a better week this next week
poor Kathrynne and Kaitlynn too
also praying for safe travels and a speedy return home for your hubby
I can relate to your story! My husband has done at least 1 ministry trip per year for the last 3-4 years.The longest was 9 weeks!- He'll never do that again, God willing. My eldest daughter fretted terribly- I've learnt to cope OK with 3-5 weeks away, but yes I confess I've had days when I've totally lost it & had to repent to both God & my children. Last year while he was away I lost the stone (a Garnet) out of my engagement ring & was in tears when he rang to see how I was. Sadly I never found it.
These are great times to grow in the Lord, though. I remember that my husband is still my "head" whether he is home or away that God is our covering regardless. Each time is a time of triumph & tears, but it is sooo worth it. We are blessed that when my hubby is not travelling, he is home with us heaps more than the average family anyway.
Claire
Thanks for sharing, Crystal. I appreciate your honesty as we all have rough times in our lives.
I have found through my difficulties in life that there is always someone with a harder situation, and it makes me more empathetic to them from having hard times myself.
Even for those who are temporarily alone and raising their children, there are those who have to do it permanently without help. Those who will never have their fathers or mothers at home. I am sure your own trials right now makes you even more empathetic to that.
Thanks for being real though. None of us are perfect and never will be.
Crystal,
Don't be too hard on yourself. Keep your faith, *and* realize in the future that trips with Daddy away might be a good time to schedule/expect less to be accomplished than usual, rather than more.
I am struggling with our move and your post was a good reminder that I am not alone--even though our struggles maybe different. It really does come down to total dependence on God. Thanks for your transparency. Sometimes I write an open transparent piece and just feel so defeated for having openly admitted such defeat. And I am tempted to go back and delete it. I was feeling this way about a piece I posted earlier and was thinking I should go delete but then I read yours. It gave me courage--at least to keep it on for the night! LOL
I am a military (2nd deployment) wife as well, and find that I need reminders daily, even HOURLY--especially as a homeschooler--I can get soo bogged down. You're right--you CAN'T do it on your own.
Crystal,
As I read this my heart said "Amen." Not from the standpoint of trying to "survive" without your husband, because I am not married or anything, but what you said about not being able to make it on our own strength. So many times, I try to do it on my own... like Peter, I take my eyes off of Christ, and then I start to sink.
Thanks for this reminder to just rely on the Lord!
" . . . before they call, I will answer; and while they are yet speaking, I will hear."
Isaiah 65:24
God has fulfilled this promise a number of times in the last two and a half months while my husband has been away for military training. And we're looking at a 6+ month of deployment soon, so He'll have plenty of time to prove Himself again and again.
As soon as I feet overwhelmed and couldn't bear another moment alone, God sends one of my children to me (usually my daughter) with some kind of sweet gesture to remind me that He knows and He cares and He loves us with an unending love.
Thank you -- I needed this.
Thank you for being so real and honest about your struggles!
Thanks for your transparency on this blog. You don't pretend to have it all figured out and be the perfect mom of perfect kids. It's so refreshing to read your blog because you are REAL and struggle in the same way we do. I've had those difficult days of two kids screaming and my husband being gone or working 6 days a week and it can be hard! Thanks for the reminder of where we should find our strength.
And after reading the women's comments who are military wives/single moms right now I feel SO INCREDIBLY BLESSED! May God give you ladies strength to bear it.
My husband is a chaplain in the Army. He was deployed to Iraq for 12 months when my twins were six months old. He is getting ready for another deployment and the twins are two and we have a four month old baby as well. It is hard, and sometimes I fall into the trap of making myself out to be a martyr. But this is the life that God has called us to and it is only when I realize that and become dependant on HIM that I am able to have a glad and cheerful heart in the midst of our seperations.
YES, I feel this way often, many times even when dh is home, but especially during deployments! We've got one coming up shortly and I have to remind myself frequently not to despair. Thanks for a timely article, and for being honest.
Cathy
Yes, I too thank you for your transparancy. It is wonderful & so encouraging.
I've felt like you did more times than I could count.
thanks for sharing something that I constantly need to be reminded of! I can do all things through Christ which strengthenth me. Phil: 4-13
Thanks for the post.My husband works in California and we live in North Carolina.At times he is gone for 3 weeks which get overwhelming for me.
I can really relate! My husband always has to work six days a week, and long days at that,not to mentions having many miles to commute each way, so I am home alone with my little ones much of the time. I often find myself getting frustrated about falling behind in the household duties! I have noticed that my children are often whiny, clingy, etc. when they can sense my bad attitudes or impatience or sheer lonliness for my husband, so when that starts to happen I stop whatever I'm doing and read aloud to them. It works wonders! After that little bit of cuddle time, they scamper off to play happily, reassured of mama's love. I also notice that when my stress level is at it's highest, it's usually been awhile since I've had any quiet time to recharge. I know it's really, really hard to fit time in for yourself among young children and the daily demands, but soaking in the tub or reading a chapter of a good book once they are napping rather than racing around to complete a chore can be so beneficial to your spirit.
Anyway, I appreciate your honesty. It's tough to go through the times when you really do feel like it's all on you, but isn't it great to know that God is always there for us? :-) Thnaks for your transparency. Hope today goes better!
When the little ones are so small, much of life has to revolve around them and especially if you are having to go it alone for awhile. Seems life holds so many situations, from time to time at least, where we simply have to rely on the FATHER to get us through them! HE seems to want us to call out to HIM, doesn't HE?
Crystal,
Thank you. I sometimes wondered how it seemed relatively easy for you to do so much. Having a husband around most evenings does take some of the pressure off, even if you still have the same responsibilities. My husband has his own business, and works 6 days a week, long hours, and has been out of town probably for a total of 4 months this year. I have a 5 year old, 21 mos old, and one on the way. It is good to be reminded that I can't do this on my own strength. I think I try to hard sometimes, and always end up failing somewhere. More than anything I need my quiet time with the Lord, and this will not change as long as I live. We all need that, more than a good book, or a good blog to read (sorry). I think I've spent more time reading your blog this year than my own Bible. I'm feeling convicted, so I'm saying thank you for helping with the conviction and good-bye for now. I'm going to spend some time with my Father.
A in OK
What a blessing that you are a SAHM...try having a husband who travels quite often and working full time.It also gives me a deeper appreciation for single moms.Crystal, many of your readers are not as blessed as you have been.It can be tough.
Crystle,
I understand how it is to have your dh gone! My dh has traveled a lot here recently and it has not been easy always. But you are right, leaning on God is what we have to do. And I have fallen prey to the martyr syndrome! I try also to plan something fun when my dh is gone--maybe just a trip to the park.
Wendy
as a military wife I don't know how I do it either sometimes, but I do, and it's only through God's strength...even when I get the stomach flu and have a little one to care for! God is also awesome to provide compassionate and loving people to help me when my husband is gone. I realize though when my husband is deployed, that God's plan for a mommy and daddy is best!
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