Concentrating on the best things
You have mentioned that you often say "no" to things, so that you can be taking care of your home. What things do you say "no" to and what do you say "yes" to? Are you involved in any specific church ministries?There were seasons in the past when I was involved in many different outside ministries and commitments. I'm sure there will be seasons in the future when my children are older that I'll be able to take on more outside commitments again. But at this season of life - with two littles and a husband starting his own law firm - almost all of my ministry happens right here in my own home.
My husband and daughters and home come first. This means that I say "no" to many other good things everyday because I want to concentrate on the best things.
To give some practical ideas:
-I stay home most of the time. As I wrote in my "Less is More" post:
I've purposely said "no" to a multitude of outside activities and opportunities because I know that running around with two littles for most of the day not only wears me out, it is a surefire way for me to spend more money (i.e. trips through the fast-food lane while we're out, swinging by to check out a sale I see signs for when I don't really need anything, or ordering carry out for dinner because I'm exhausted and didn't have time to make anything for dinner) and get less done. It's just not worth it, folks.
Now, am I saying you need to cut out every outside activity and commitment and never step foot outside your doorstep? No. What I am encouraging you to do is to carefully evaluate all outside commitments and see if there are some that are really necessities or if they are just cluttering up your life for no good reason.
-I'm not involved in regular outside commitments. Besides church on Sundays and grocery shopping once a week, I don't have any regular outside-the-home commitments or ministries.
Even though I'm not involved in any regular outside-the-home commitments or ministries and see my home as my current ministry, there are many simple ways I can still reach out to others without spending days away from my home to do so: Writing an email or a short note of encouragement, praying for others in the little snippets of time while I'm washing dishes or folding laundry, smiling and speaking words that build others up, or opening up our home for a simple meal or get-together.
-I seek to keep it simple. My motherhood mantra - if I were to have one - is keep it simple. I expanded in detail on this in my Help for the Overwhelmed post. There is no way I can do everything, so I try to pare down to the basics and start with those before doing anything else. The same goes for how I manage our home: we don't have a lot of stuff, we don't eat elaborate meals, we just try to focus on the essentials. Read more here.
Those are just a few things I've incorporated at this season of my life in order to focus on the best things and not get distracted with all the seemingly "good" opportunities. When I say "yes" to something, I must also say "no" to something. I want to be saying "yes" to God's calling on my life.
I want to live my life so that in 25 years from now, I look back with no regrets. It is not worth it to sacrifice the best things in place of the good.
Graphic from Art.com
posted by Crystal Paine at 4:00 PM
21 Comments:
Beautifully put. This is a message that we need to be reminded of often in this busy world we live in. Your blog is such a blessing to so many people. That is a huge ministry as it reaches so many ladies! Thank you.
maybe you are getting to this, but this makes me want to ask a question about relationships with friends...do you keep up with old friends? Do you always answer emails or calls? I am a wife and mom, but sometimes i feel guilty for not keeping up friendships...how do i know which ones to keep? my hubby and kids come first, but what about ministering to others? it seems like people criticize moms for staying home from church when a child is sick, or when they don't get to an email for three weeks, etc. I guess it's because homemaking is not considered an occupation to most people. in some church circles, a common mindset is that ministry comes first and that kids should not get in the way of ministry nor be used an excuse to not serve in or attend church.
Anonymous: I keep up with friends some, but only as I'm able. And no, I don't always answer phone calls or emails. I do the best I can with the time I have and just leave the rest in God's hands. I finally realized that I'm not called to meet every need and other people will step in and be used of the Lord if I'm not able. That has been really freeing for me.
My children are not my excuse; they are my priority. I am accountable before the Lord for how I raise them. I know that often people do not understand this because they do not see the worth and nobility that mothering is. That's okay. I just want to be faithful to the Lord for what He's called me to.
I really liked the book by the Girl Talk blog team on time management. It's a small read and they get into friendships and cover it well.
There is definitely a place for friendships and ministering to others, we just need to keep them in balance and I want friends who understand that my first priority is my family. :)
Thanks for a great question - I'd love to hear other's thoughts on this.
Oh and the book I referenced above is "Shopping for Time."
your above comment is so true, Crystal! Our children are our priority and we want friends who realize that! thanks SO much for taking time to minister to US by your writings!
christy
Thank you for this post!! Right now, as a stay-at-home mom, I don't feel the need to get invovled in many acitivites that don't involve my my family (husband, daughter, parents and sister). My husband works long hours, so when he gets home I want our time to be family time. I have had to bow out of many church activities, such as the Moms group and evening Womens Bible studies. There just isn't enough time in the day to keep up with everything and everyone, so I choose what I feel is most important. And for me, that is family. I am so glad to finally meet someone that feels the same way! Now I won't feel as guilty saying "no" to anything.
We were very disappointed recently that a Couples Bible Study at church that we were involved with decided to split....the women meet on one day and the men another. For us, that means 2 evenings a week that we wouldn't have as family time. And besides, we enjoyed having a Bible study together.
Thank you so much for sharing...
I struggle often with this one- especially when it comes to church activities. I am beginning to realize that at this season, I need to pare my commitments. With a 15 month old, a baby on the way, and 3 older kids, I have to eliminate things that add stress to my life and schedule and interfere with my ministry at home. Thanks for this post.
I like the emphasis on choosing the BEST things over the GOOD things. In our church we are guilt-tripped by anyone and everyone to join committees and serve in multiple areas. We do help where we can and where we are gifted but we have had to say no often. Sometimes the most spiritual thing you can do is say "No" when asked to do something in a ministry or to help out somewhere. Yet, I'm not saying we are never called to serve or sacrifice to build up our local church body. If God calls us to serve, we may have to step out of our comfort zone to do that, even if we prefer the cozyness of Home. Christians seem to always fall into extremes. There is a danger in doing too much ministry/outside activities and there is a danger if we choose to never help others or never use our spiritual gifts to build up the believers.
I, too, have to screen my calls since I have some in my life who seem to think I'm not busy or can just gab all the time because I'm a stay-at-home mom. Not talking on the phone when the kids are awake helps them behave better too! They seem to instinctively try to push the limits and try to get away with murder if I'm on the phone!
I choose to be involved in a Mom's Prayer Group I started which is every other week because I feel it is infinitely important to have that accountability to pray with others for our kids. The kids are with us, playing quietly the whole time. It is such an ecouragement to me. I also choose to take my kids out often for fresh air in stroller walks (sometimes walking with a friend and her kids), swimming at the local kiddie pool/hot tub, and playdates at the park. When you live in a tiny apartment with only one window to the outside, it's a sanity-saver. We do what works for our family and have to constantly re-evaluate our schedule as needs change.
I was wondering how often Kathrynne gets to do playdates with other kids?
Do you have mentors or godly friends who see you sometimes throughout the week whom invest in you personally through friendship/encouragement/teaching?Does your husband serve in the church in any capacity?
Thanks for the great reminders on keeping things simple!
Mrs. Jo: Loved your comment! :) I was hopeful that I didn't come across as an extremist in my post - I think you can swing the pendulum too far either direction.
Oh and I failed to mention that we *do* try to get out and walk to the park or the library, etc. quite often - sometimes multiple times in a week - depending upon how things are going at home. Sometimes getting out and doing something different can be one of the best things for me! Things just come unraveled if we're gone all day everyday more than once every few weeks.
Kathrynne plays with other children for usually a few hours every Sunday after church - we stick around for a long time after the service on normal Sundays! :) We also have moms over once a month or so. Since she now has a younger sister to play with, she doesn't really seem too hard-pressed for company!
Besides the older women in our church, I am blessed to be really close to my mom. We usually talk at least a few times per week - at night or on the weekends or when the girls are napping (like you, everything bad seems to happen if I'm on the phone when the girls are up!).
Like I said in the post, this is just what works for *our family* at *this season* - Like you, we're constantly reevaluating things depending upon the needs of our family. When I just had Kathrynne, I did a lot more. I'm guessing when I have older children, I'll have a bit more flexibility and ability to do more and practically minister and reach out to others.
I agree with your thoughts. Very well put. I also am home most of the time and we usually go out once, sometimes twice a week as a family to do errands and occaisonally over to another family's home. I absolutely love being at home, and yes, answering machines are so freeing!
Wow, this is a great post, Crystal! As a pastor's wife and mother of two small children (and expecting baby #3) this area is often a big challenge for me. It's difficult to say "no" to church-related responsibilities and mininstries since, many times, if I don't get involved, things don't get done! I constantly have to keep focused on my home and family and allow the Lord to give me the wisdom and strength to handle everything else.
Kristy Howard
This is a great post, and I think you are right, we do have to look at it in terms of our own families. I have a few more outside activities than you mention (we probably go somewhere four mornings a week, which includes church), but they are all family focused. We live in the snow belt and do I have my daughter in toddler gymnastics and dance just so she can run around and play with other kids when it is -20 and there is 3 ft of snow on the ground;) No intentions of turning her into a gymnast or prima ballerina. :) With that said, I really have had to cut down and I try my best to make sure we don't have to go anywhere on the other days of the week, except for walks to the playground, etc. No recreational shopping! This is a bad inherited habit I have been working hard to break.
As a miliary spouse, I struggled quite a bit with over-extending myself. There are lots of organizations on a military post that are run completely by volunteers. I have cut all of those out now. I was a family readiness group leader for the two years of my husband's command and gave deployment and reunion briefings for teenagers for another organization, and I felt spent! I can't tell you how free and relaxed I feel now! It really makes a difference in how I relate to my family. I'll bake a cake for a bake sale and bring something for a a pot luck dinner, but I really do not want to be "in charge" of anything for a long time.
I think the "seasonal" focus is so important. We don't have to everything for everyone right now. There will be times in our lives where we can do more for others without short-changing our families. LOL . . . I don't know when that time will be, which is a challenge for me because I like to plan and be in control ;) I've slowly learned to let go of the need to have every step of my life planned out and focus on what is best for my family right here and right now and leave the rest to the Lord.
Crystal and others, thank you so much for this blessing of a post, and the comments! The Lord must be speaking to me through you all, because this is exactly what has been the center of my stress these last few months. God must be telling me to "let go and let God." :)
I am engaged, and until we get married and have children, I am teaching 2nd grade at a private school; and boy, is the first year of teaching stressful!! I feel like no matter how much I do, I can never meet the needs of all these kids, let alone help out at home like I want and need to. Work has become my focus, and I am dying to stray away from that. But Crystal, when you said "other people will step in and be used of the Lord if I'm not able," that blessed me so much.
I'm sorry to go on like this, I'm just so happy to find other people who I can talk to about not feeling guilty about not doing everything. If anyone would like to talk/email more about this topic, I would love to; maybe we can exchange emails through Crystal if that's okay! :) Thank you all so much, and God Bless!
-Erin
Great Post--I wonder if God is using you to talk to me! I just had my 4th baby and I am struggling with keeping up with all my obligations.
I am the awards chair for our Pack of 62 boys in cub scouts--I alone bear the responsibility of getting all awards purchased,recorded, and or ordered before each pack meeting each month.
I am also the den leader for my son's den.
I am involved in MOPS but starting to step away.
My husband and I teach 4 yr old cubbies at our church and do crafts for both the 3s and 4s.
To top all this off, I am now homeschooling my oldest son and my preschool aged son, My second son still attends a private christian school. (which is a mountain of work to keep up with "school" obligations.
I am also involved in a homeschool association but have not found much time to do too many activities.
I find myself struggling to keep up with all the demands of our house on top of these extracurricular activities and I truly think my kids would rather have ME more than be a part of these activities. I really feel I am missing the enjoyment of my new baby because of these obligations as well.
I am showing this post to my husband. Not sure what we can do about this stuff. I know he wants me to just walk away from most of these obligations, but it feels wrong to just end it, but perhaps I must. Thank you for making me see the bigger picture of where my ministry should truly be!
~big sigh~.....
Boy, does this seem to be a common denominator amongst us women! Many season's ago I was spread very thin because of my inability to say no, and looking back, I feel my family paid a hard price. Things were out of order...we had lost God's order in our home, and that is a terrible place to be! I started cutting back...and cutting back...and cutting back!
Now I won't answer the phone while my children are awake unless it's my husband, and will only get on the computer while the kids are napping or in bed for the night.
I got really tired, and quite frankly disgusted with myself, by hearing the words "Just a minute, honey!" coming out of my mouth more times than not when it came to my children. I told most of my girlfriends I was going on a "social vacation"...and to not expect me to be picking up the phone to gab an hour away. Some didn't understand, but that's OK. It wasn't about them, it was about God's order taking it's rightful place in our home again!
Long story short and many season's later, my husband and I feel alligned with God again. We have a marriage ministry that we invest in and minister through together, and any other requests that come our way are answered with "I'll pray about that!". And we do. That way, we are assured that if we say yes, God will cover us and our home, and if we say no, God will raise the next person up.
As many other commenters have said...it's so freeing! When we take on commitments in the flesh, the burden is heavy, but when done in the Spirit, the Lord's yoke is easy and His burden is light!
Let's pray for each other to be sensitive to the Spirit and full of discernment when it comes to commitments and earthly things that take us away from our family. We're here to please God, not man! Amen? Amen! :)
Kris
Crystal,
You most definitely didn't come across as an extremist in the post. In fact, this post came at a good time in my life where I've recently been thinking about paring down my friendships and activities generated by friends. I currently keep up with 3 non-Christian friends, 10 best friends (via e-mail, phone, or in person), 2-3 mentors, 40-50 acquaintances occasionally, our neighbor kids from Mexico daily, and our immediate families and some church folks. Throw in writing letters to the Grandparents and aunts and uncles who are special in our lives as well as handling calls or e-mails from some of our cousins (combined we have around 50) and you have almost a full-time job! Letting go of friendships is really hard for me! But, I've learned it's a necessity in order to keep priorities straight. Friendships wax and wane with stages of life. I can't be all things to all people. I often get a few invitations a day for different play dates or events. I often have people introducing me to lonely new stay-at-home moms in town or giving me names of people who need a friend or a phone call. I often have a dear friend sobbing on the phone in desperate need of comfort and encouragement. I've realized that while I have a gift of "facilitating" and plugging them into mom groups and church activities, I need to step back and not try to be their best friend and go out of my way to do things with them all the time. I have a "mommy complex" where needy women often latch onto me for help/encouragment and I need to be more firm about guarding my time and life from them. I need to let other moms step up to the plate and fill in the gaps too. I'm really working on this and seeking to be a godly witness and yet keep my boundaries. This is super hard to do when our neighbors often come to our door with "emergencies" at all hours of the day and are asking favors that steal away tons of my time. I can't always just say "no" to their earnest pleading because I speak English and Spanish and they don't know English and are very dependant upon my help with basic life necessities with translation. Also the neighbor kids come running through the house constantly, without knocking and so staying home can be more stressful for my schedule than getting out! This is what I get for praying that God would give us a home where we could be missionaries to the neighbors! That prayer has been answered a thousand times over!
It's a hard thing because reaching out seems so good, but it's not good if it takes away from my first priorities. It's also so hard sometimes because everyone assumes that stay-home moms have time to help them. But what they don't realize is that 50 people this week asked you for a teensy weensy favor and it ended up being a crushing load. (I wrote a post on this a while back called, "The Little Things that Broke the Mama's Back). Even though I sometimes feel like they are silently accusing me of being lazy, I have to say, "No, I can't make cookies for this church event this week."
Your mom sounds amazing Crystal! I'm so glad you are close to her and able to talk so much. Maybe someday you could write an e-book on her life and story so that we could be inspired by her self-less life. Would she ever want to guest blog and share her thoughts for younger women?
I'm glad you do little things here and there with your girls without having to go out every day or feeling super stressed and over-committed. Flexibility is such a blessing when you are a stay-at-home mom. Running such a successful online business requires that you stay home most of the time and stay diligent and on top of things all the time.
Something from one of your former posts that stuck with me was how you said we are the cause of our own stress sometimes; God doesn't give us more than we can handle. If I look at the basic things ahead of me each day, I realize that what is ESSENTIAL is do-able. What stresses me is that fact that *I think* I need to do all these other things which are just fluff.
I'm going to have to make a poster for my kitchen that says, "Keep it Simple!" A good reminder for everything.
Maybe if I get rid of about 50 friends I would have some time to start a home business! *laugh*
Great post. Thank you!!!
Crystal,
What a great post! As a teenager and before I was married I was involved in a ton of ministries at our church. There are seasons in life and it's taken me awhile to be content at home, but now I am. I feel the same if I'm not home I get so behind on things. Getting behind doesn't always allow for a peaceful home.
My dh is the choir director, song leader and treasurer at our church. Recently I've been able to join up with the choir as our dc are a little older now (5 & 3). They love to go and sing. They sit and be quiet and sing when their part is being gone over. It's a blessing to hear them singing the songs during the week.
They both also help dh with his treasury work. They put the offering plates away, organize the money, stamp things, etc. I told my dh he is working his way out of his job :)
After choir they have men's prayer time and ds (5) just asked daddy if he could go too this week. Ds told me when he was done that he always wants to go. This was a blessing because he's giving up playtime with some of his friends.
Dh is also the one who preaches at our local nursing home. We are all able to go now. Dc sing a special and quote their memory verses. The elderly love this. They get the people song books and shake hands and of course give out lots of hugs. If dc are sick they notice when they're gone and ask about them. We will go from door to door passing out dc artwork too and they will quote their verses for others who have not come to the services. They love it.
I write all this to say that it depends on what season in life you are in. I've not always been able to be in the choir, go to the nursing home etc. because I've had a small baby or child I did not want to be a distraction. If the Lord gives us another child then our lives will change again.
On the flip side I am so glad we are involved in some things now. I want my children to be hard workers and be use to ministering to others. All this begins at home though with working here and putting others needs before their own.
Sorry for being so long and I hope what I wrote makes sense.
Edwena
Crystal, I'm with you. I'm trying to reduce outside commitments for the sake of simplicity, peace of mind, and frugality.
It's good to know I'm not the only one who screens telephone calls and is home most of the time. Not only does this allow me to use my limited energy for the important things. It's hard sometimes to fight back feelings of guilt when people act like I should be involved in an outside activity every day. Thanks for sharing!
Crystal,
I appreciated this post- it truly reflects a heart that is turned towards home.
I often wish that you would provide a post or conversation on how mothers like yourself could make their homes (even if they are full of very small children) reasonably outreach-oriented.
My girl friends and I talk about this a lot. We have explored various ideas, including regularly swapping baby sitting duties so that each mom can commit one afternoon per week to deliberate ministry time, such as leading a Bible study for college girls, or counselling unwed mothers at a pregnancy care center, or visiting female inmates in local prisons. Then there are the old stand-bys... cooking for needy families or working in organized intercessory prayer chains.
As a full time graduate student with little spare time, I think a lot about "passive" ways to reach out from my own routine. Obviously, blogging is one option. I have also hosted a homeless young woman in my home for several months, and I am thinking about doing this again soon- it meets a huge need, and it does not take much extra time! I have donated my hair to cancer patients. I've doubled up my home cooking and frozen the extras to keep on hand for families going through difficulties. I've led Bible studies and pro bono tutorials from my apartment. Etc.
... all that to say, it would be so cool to see you post on reasonable ways to reach out... anyone can stay home, but surely "staying home" must mean something more for Christian women living under Christ's great comission...
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