I can't do it myself
It's Thanksgiving time and I should really write the obligatory post on what I'm thankful for - isn't that what all good bloggers do? Only, in my current first-trimester state, I'm quite uninspired.It's not that I'm not thankful. I really am. It's just that what I'm thankful for this year is maybe not your typical. Yes, I'm thankful for a roof over my head, clothes to wear, my precious daughter, my wonderful husband, my baby in utero... But what I'm really thankful for this year is that I can't do it myself.
I've had a post sloshing around in my fuzzy brain for a few weeks now, but it wasn't until I read Becky's post that I realized it was meant to be a Thanksgiving post.
For those of you who knew me before I got married, you knew a very confident, organized, get-things-done, "I'll-take-care-of-it" kind of person. My Day-Timer was my best friend and I thrived on overseeing, managing, and organizing. If you needed a job done, you could count on me to make it happen.
These organizational skills were quickly and easily implemented into my home management as a young bride. I was a FlyLady "freak," with my zones, routines, menu planning, and homekeeping down to a science.
And then, the inevitable happened.
I got pregnant.
Those two pink lines changed my life forever. I was thrown into a world of unpredictability and chaos. For the first 22 weeks of my pregnancy, I had intense morning-noon-and-night sickness.
Many days, I never made it beyond our bedroom door; my only exercise was running from the bed to the bathroom. The dishes piled up, the laundry piled up, and all I could do was lie there and moan.
However, I finally recovered enough to pull myself out of bed and try to get a handle back on things again. The house slowly got in better shape, the laundry pile dwindled, and I started to feel more on top of things again.
"I can do this," I thought to myself.
Then Kathrynne was born.
Everyone talks about how hard the birth is supposed to be, no one seems to ever talk about how difficult the afterbirth is. The birth was a breeze to me but I was completely unprepared for the next three months of my life. The constant demands of a little baby, the endless feedings, the very short nights, the inability to plan anything because things would never go as planned.
It took me weeks to regain my strength but much longer to realize that this darling little daughter had been given to us not just so I could ooh and ahh over her, but so I could learn a lesson I desperately needed to learn: I can't do it myself.
This lesson was painful for self-reliant me to admit. For weeks, I thought things would get better. I'd get more organized, I'd start feeling better, we'd get on a better schedule, things would get back to normal.
It finally dawned on me: This is the new normal. Time will never be my own again, my house will always looked very lived in, some days I won't get a shower, my best plans might be completely overturned in a matter of minutes by a messy diaper or fussy baby. I am no longer in control and I can't do it on my own. I had two choices: I could either relinquish my self-reliance and start trusting in the Lord, or I could spend the rest of my life lamenting what once was and no longer is.
I finally gave in and gave up - on my own strength that is. And you know what? It was the best thing I ever did. When at last I learned that relying upon the Lord was much better than trying to struggle along in my mothering on my own, I found peace and contentment.
My second pregnancy has been so much better than my first. I'm only eight weeks into it, but I have so much more joy and quietness in my heart. My house might look tornadic right now, I might not have gotten a shower yet today, my daughter might have chocolate smeared on her face (Don't ask. We were out of regular milk so she had chocolate milk on her cereal this morning. Hey, it was from a local dairy, so shouldn't that make it okay?!), I might have a mountain of laundry and a sink full of dirty dishes, I might be running really low on energy and feeling quite sick, and I need to get everything ready for our weekend Thanksgiving travels, but it's alright.
In my own strength, I'd be pulling my hair out completely overwhelmed and totally stressed. But I've learned that God's strength is so much better. By His grace, I can look beyond these temporal things and know He is in control, He is Sovereign, and He will give me everything I need to endure what He has called me to endure. His strength is made perfect in my weakness.
I can't do this, but "I can do all things through Christ."
And I'm thankful my stubborn confident self has finally realized this.
Originally published November 2006
posted by Crystal Paine at 2:45 PM
20 Comments:
Thanks Crystal, I really enjoyed reading this. Very well written too! -Kelsie
That's a great reminder! I too had my home all in order for the first part of our marriage (thank you FlyLady!)... but taking a temp teaching job, then getting pregnant (and being sick constantly for 6 months) then having a baby, and I've barely just started to see things pull back together... most days. :) And my DS is going to be 1 in 2 weeks! I'm just hoping that I'm even more under control by the time March comes and baby # 2 gets here! Then we'll see how long it takes to get back! :)
This is so, so, so true, Crystal. 'Though I've never felt I had things completely under control, I recognize more and more that I simply cannot parent on my own (or even with the help of my wonderful DH)--it takes God!
Good post--I remember it from last time! After just recently having my third I feel like I'm reaching or falling to a new level of letting go of "control." There comes a point where it is just beyond your means and only grace can get you through, and the tender mercies of Christ. I've been witness to God's hand in my life in so many ways these last two months--from a neighbor dropping by just when I was feeling completely overwhelmed, to an answer to prayer to find a binkie!
Having children is such a stretching experience!
Thank you for posting this today. I'm pregnant with my first--and I'm about 10 weeks along. I'm so sick all the time! ("Morning-noon-and-night-sickness" as you say!) I've been dealing with so much guilt because my husband does most of our household chores after he gets off work. I'm usually a Type-A, controlling, do it all myself type of person.
The Lord has definitely used this pregnancy to show me the need to rely on Him. Without Him during this time, I wouldn't be able to make it. This Thanksgiving, despite all the sickness and fatigue, I realize that I'm blessed beyond measure--not only because I have a wonderful husband and a blessing on the way--but because I serve the Lord. It's a blessing to be able to lean on Him during these times of uncertainty and sickness.
Happy Thanksgiving everyone!
As a former suffer-er of morning, noon and night sickness I appreciate this post and the truths it brought out. I tend to be a "strong one" and a "go-getter" so it is so hard to be knocked flat with ultra fatigue and want to do nothing but lay around all day. I'm going to have to revert back to this post when I'm hanging over a toliet, pregnant with #3!
The new normal for me is trying to survive! My husband knows I've put in a full day if the kids are alive when he gets home!
You know, I've learned that this year too, through the stress of college and studies and a foreign missions trip and work... I finally came to the point where I felt like I couldn't handle anything anymore, and it lasted for about 6 months. I hope that it's dwindling now, as I learn to rely on the Lord's strength and do my best without worrying about everything so much. It's a lesson I desperately needed. Thank you for sharing yours.
This was the right time for me to read this. I had a rough day with my toddler. We were both overtired and hungry and had been out and about way too long & I snapped very harshly at her. I feel pretty awful about it. I definitely couldn't handle today on my own. Hopefully, next time I will rely more on Him!
Hi Crystal,
Sometimes I feel like your blogs are a day in MY life! I too am hyper-organized and thought I had the world by the tail UNTIL I HAD KIDS (I too was SO sick during the first 3 mos of all of my pregnancies). My first two were 4 yrs apart and so I had time to recover and think that I had it all under control again. Now with THREE little girls (6 yr, 2 yr, 6 mos)--two of which are in diapers--all those illusions are GONE! But Jesus is SO much more real and close...His strength is there every step (and every diaper!) of the day... Phebe
Thank you for the encouragement and reminders to rely on the Lord for strength. The past couple days I've been dealing with a toddler sick with the stomach flu and a clingy baby--and of course getting ready for Thanksgiving. :)
I agree, Crystal. The more children the Lord sends my husband and I, the more I realize that I need to be wholly dependent on God.Children are a definite means of sanctification, and they are such blessings!
You are wise beyond your years. When we are young we are both full of exuberant energy and full of pride. Life and its trials teach humility, do they not? And God gives an abundance of grace to the humble.
Thank you so much for this post. This is so true! It was a lesson I recently learned all over again. My daughters are teenagers so I'm long past the morning sickness. I've seen, as a mom, that it doesn't necessarily get easier, it just gets different. Now, instead of chasing my children, I'm driving them all over town and also teaching one to drive! The Lord recently reminded me that I need to trust in Him, not how much sleep I get, or how the schedule looks, or how much money we have, etc. When we always have a plan B, I believe that God will make us use it. When we fall to our knees and confess to God that we are absolutely trusting Him and can't do it any other way, He shows up in a big way. Praise Him, He is so wonderful!
Joyce
I am understand totally. I too am out for the count when I am pregnant. I am sick all day and night well into my fourth month. My husband picked up my slack with the first two, but this time God laid me flat with bedrest orders from my doctor due to possible miscarriage. Family and friends had to cook our meals, take care of children, clean, do laundry...everything. I hated not being in control. It is very humbling. But God taught me something thru it all. He is in control and was the whole time. He is my strength when I am weak. Wish He could teach me these lessons a different way!! Guess I am just too stubborn to hear Him any other way...LOL!
Wow Crystal! I had no idea life has been that tough this year (referring to your most recent post before Thanksgiving break). Thanks for being honest and open and sharing the enormous struggles you've been through. It makes it all the more awesome to see how God has carried you through SO MUCH this year! There goes my, "You guys are the *perfect* family myth!" I'm glad for the lessons you've learned and the great things you have taught us through this but I hope for your sake that you soon have some clear direction, are able to get into a more-permanent house, have a successful business, and a much easier pregnancy the next time around! I had no idea how you get it all done before I knew you had such a tough year. Now I wonder even more! God's strength at work!
Thanks for the great sale this weekend!
Crystal, God is using you and your husband mightily. All the more through your sufferings He's expanded you to give more of His peace which passes understanding and His comfort away to all of us. I thank God for you! Have a very blessed Thanksgiving
Dear Crystal, what a much needed message: we are nothing, nobody, without Him. God bless you.
I suppose for all of us, who are moms, we have learned along with you, that we really cannot do things on our own. I think you do an incredible lot of things actually!! When mine were babies, I felt just keeping the house running marginally, and doing a bit of sewing, etc. was just about all I could handle. I withdrew from all church duties at least the first year of our baby's life. I still think it is the best way. Babies grow up way too soon and we never know how many we will have, even if trying to have many. We only had 3...lost several between the 2nd and 3rd. I have missed those days of nursing and nuturing. It is a special time that equals no other! Blessings on you!
I didn't see this last year. So much has happened since then. Last year I was a young woman travelling with my family to go visit realitives for Thanksgiving, this year I'm a married woman close to giving birth to our first little one, at home with my husband who is sick. It's amazing what a year changes.
I could really relate with being "in control" before marriage. For me though, the two little pink lines that changed my life forever came 20 days after I said "I do" and were felt even before that:)
Sometimes I wonder what's wrong with me, cause I can't seem to do it all, but you are so right that when we realize we can't do it all and rest in the wisdom of our Heavenly father, great peace and rest come...
Thank you so much for this encouraging post!!!
Bethany
I was inspired by your post for last Thanksgiving. I went through a time after my second pregnancy of trying to continue to get everything "fixed", when it was God trying to "fix" me (as my blog "who needs fixing?". When He's molding us it hurts to change, and we can get stiff and difficult about it, but He's doing it to create a vessel to suit His purpose. So glad you made it through such tough times.
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