Q&A - Part 5
Is it wrong or selfish to not let other relatives visit right away when I have my baby? Please help! My husband and I want some time alone with our new child, and some time to adjust to having a baby. It seems others don't like this idea.
My advice: Do what you and your husband feel best with. I understand the feeling of not wanting to have a bunch of people around right after the baby is born. It's a very special time and we all cope and adjust differently. Talk about it with your husband and consider your relatives' wishes and requests but don't let that dictate what you do or don't do. Perhaps you could come up with a happy medium? Whatever you do, make sure that you have it clearly figured out and communicated ahead of time.
I'm curious how an average day goes for you, Crystal. As in: when do you normally wake for the day and when do you normally head to bed for the night...and any things that happen on a daily basis in between.Let's see, a typical day goes something like:
Somewhere between 5-6 a.m. (later if I've been up a lot at night) - Get up, shower, dress, nurse Kaitlynn/read Bible, start laundry, check email, blog, fix Jesse's breakfast, sit down and eat with him and discuss the day.
8:00 a.m. or so - Get Kathrynne up and dressed, sit her down for breakfast, nurse Kaitlynn and read Genesis 1 to both girls, then practice counting to 20 and singing the alphabet. Have Kathrynne play with Kaitlynn in the living room while I clean up the kitchen and switch the laundry.
9:00 a.m. or so - Kaitlynn goes down for a morning nap (or doesn't - in which case she goes in her swing or plays on the floor or goes in the sling or I end up rocking and nursing her again - you get the picture!), Kathrynne watches her reading video while I do my morning cleaning chores. I usually pop on my laptop and check my email/moderate blog comments for a few minutes somewhere in here.
10:00 a.m. or so - Kathrynne either plays close beside me or helps in the kitchen while I put together lunch and dinner and do some baking if I have extra time. Then I usually nurse Kaitlynn and read to the girls.
11:00 a.m. - I take both girls out on a walk or we do the Pilates DVD. After that I usually switch the laundry again and finish up lunch preparations.
12:00 p.m. - We all sit down to lunch together (Jesse joins us if he is home.). We normally have a fairly leisurely lunch and then I clean up while Jesse and I talk and he plays with the girls.
1:00 p.m. - I nurse Kaitlynn and the girls and I read picture books together (Kathrynne gets to choose.). Then both girls go down for naps. I check email/moderate blog comments and answer anything urgent.
2:00 p.m. - Jesse and I work together on packaging up orders, answering business emails, returning business phone calls, placing wholesale orders, etc. If we are needing to run a business errand, Jesse often does it during this time.
3:00 p.m. Jesse and I work together on projects for the law firm - planning, marketing, going over current projects, etc.4:00 p.m. - Sometimes the girls are awake by this time, sometimes they are still sleeping. Usually Kaitlynn is up and ready to nurse so I nurse her while I answer emails, blog, finish up business work, or work on menu-planning, coupons, deals, etc.
5:00 p.m. - I finish getting dinner ready and work on laundry while the girls play.
6:00 p.m. - Dinner time as a family and then family worship (I nurse Kaitlynn somewhere in here).
7:00 p.m. - Jesse and I take turns giving the girls baths and cleaning up the kitchen. We then try to read and pray together as a family and put the girls to bed. Our goal is to have them both in bed by 8:00 p.m., but that doesn't always happen. Sometimes it is closer to 9:00 p.m. or even a little later.
After the girls are in bed, we often spend some time working on our computers finishing up work projects and then we try to spend a little time together before going to bed. We try to be in bed by 10:00 at the latest and I usually read a few pages of a book before turning the lights out. On Friday nights, we often watch a movie together before bed so we'll usually stay up later and then sleep in on Saturday morning.
Now remember, that's the basic idea of how our day looks. Every day is a little different - some days are MUCH different.
You can see our detailed family schedule here. But just remember that that detailed schedule is what a perfect day would look like. We've never had one of those yet! There are always the unexpected interruptions and there are many days, like today, where Kaitlynn doesn't sleep any longer than a 10 minute stretch. I try to be flexible and just roll with the punches. It's not about rigidly sticking to my schedule, but using the schedule as a guideline to help us have some semblance of order and structure as opposed to chaos.
I have also found it is good once every few weeks to declare an "off day" where we just forget about the schedule and either go somewhere for most of the day or stay home and have a "pajama day" and the girls and I just spend special time together - playing games, baking, reading, snuggling, laughing, talking, watching a movie together.
By the way, because of all the requests, I'm planning to do a more detailed "Day in My Life" post (complete with pictures) later this week, Lord-willing.
Where have you always wanted to travel?
Hmm. I'd say England, Ireland, and Scotland.
Assuming you could afford it while still living on one income, would you ever consider hiring a maid? Or do you think cleaning should be "the wife's job"? I know some mothers hire someone to clean so they have more time for homeschooling or just spending time with their kids (which I believe should be the main purpose of staying home). Obviously hiring a maid is not in everyone's budget, but I was just wondering what you would do if you could afford it.
Yes, I imagine I would. :) I'd probably hire a Christian young woman who was already an acquaintance of mine and have her come in and help one day a week as a "mother's helper." Actually, I'm pretty sure we'll seriously consider this in the near future, especially as our family expands. I think this is a wonderful ministry for young women.
Join in the fun: I'd love to hear your answers to the above questions. Do you have relatives visit right away after your babies are born? What is a typical day like at your house? Where have you always wanted to travel? And, last but not least, would you hire a maid (or do you do already)?
To be continued...
posted by Crystal Paine at 5:29 PM
38 Comments:
Believe it or not, my mother-in-law has stayed with us after the birth of both of our children. I have one of the best MILs in the world (she's 72), so I wouldn't recommend it for just anyone. I have to have c-sections, and I need help for about the first month. My mother and grandmother have come to help out, too, and it's been a huge blessing.
But realize that it's also an emotional time - all those hormones and getting adjusted to a new little person. Sometimes it is hard to have someone else there helping ... and giving their opinions ... and reorganizing your kitchen! And when they're older, sometimes it's hard because they have different ideas about baby safety and you feel like you have to keep an eye on your baby. ;)
Having said all that, I don't know that I'd recommend having a lot of visitors right after a baby's birth if you don't need the help (i.e. recovering from surgery or whatever). I'd recommend seeing if you could delay all the visits until you've had a few weeks to get used to the new baby.
(Sophia)
Yes, my relatives visit right away when I have a baby. My mom is my midwife and has delivered all my babies, my sisters help me afterwards and I have helped them. We are a family and we work together and support each other. We are not in each others faces all the time, but we are there for each other. When we tell people not to come over, it is sort of insulting, I think. People have the common sense to know that you want time to bond with your baby and get used to being a family, most people especially relatives just want to come and see the baby, bring you something to show their happiness in the new baby, and it does not take long. It passes fast and before you know it, things will be back to normal. Just my opinion!
My days are simple:
We do not get up too early, although I wake up at 6 am as my husband leaves for work. About 8-8:30 we have breakfast and school begins. We have school time until noon. At noon we have lunch. From 1-4 we do errands if we have them, free time, extra schoolwork, crafts and chores twice in there. I start dinner about 4:30 and we eat around 5:30. Bedtime is 8:30 for the boys.
I have always wanted to travel pretty much anywhere, but I would love to see the Holy Land, go to Africa- Egypt would be fun, Italy and Germany. My relatives are from there, so it would be fun to meet them and then of course I would really love to go to Russia since I can understand some of the language it would fun.
I think a maid would be nice some times, but then what would i do?
Do you have relatives visit right away after your babies are born?
Yes and I can understand this being a concern. I had people popping in all over the place, but thought that it would be rude to tell them no. It seems they would always come right when I was finally getting a nap. I dont think it would be wrong to tactfully ask people to give you a few days, but you also have to understand that a new baby is such a blessing and brings so much joy everyone wants to share in it. I would fear being too stringent with visits would not be good for family to build a relationship with the baby, which is also very important.
What is a typical day like at your house?
I am a schedule, to do list nut. I like to pretty much stick with a daily routine but it usually doesnt go that way! But we keep trying!
Where have you always wanted to travel?
Italy
And, last but not least, would you hire a maid (or do you do already)? No I dont believe I would because I have two girls who are expected to help me out. I began training them very young, and now at ages 12 and 9 they could hold down the fort for me if necessary. Why pay for help when they can help me and also learn valuable skills in the process! But I do pray that they could be of assistance to another mother who may need the help someday!
Two years ago, just prior to my hysterectomy, I was exhausted all the time. My darling husband invested in hiring a cleaning service to come in a few times until I was back on my feet. And you know what? I hated it! I hated having someone else in my home, moving my stuff around, cleaning up after MY family! We dropped the service right after my surgery. I really like the Mother's Helper idea so much better. Someone to play with the girls while I clean, or help me with a bigger project (cleaning out the basement or garage, for instance). I know several moms who have cleaning services and love them - and I admit I did enjoy having the house clean All At Once (if only for a few hours!), but it just wasn't worth that unnerving feeling of having someone else swishing my toilets!
Relatives after the baby:
I have done this both ways and although I think it's a nice sentiment to follow your husband's lead, honestly, postpartum time is an area where the woman's wishes should be deferred to. (submitting one to another) Although some husbands are wonderful about protecting their wives and perceiving their needs, other husbands just do not understand the level of discomfort and need that their wife might have after having a baby. (when my mother in law had her first baby her husband invited his parents to come stay with them for the first week, and the new mommy was expected to entertain, cook, and wait on the other family members while they all held the baby and waited for her to serve the next meal!!) If you want time alone with your baby, take it. It's the only chance you'll have to enjoy that two-day-old baby or whatever. Of course, do care about the feelings of others, but taking care of yourself at such a vulnerable time is extremely important. I have six children, and postpartum has never been easy for me even though some of my births have been rather "easy." If you don't guard and take care of yourself first, it can be really hard to be able to do the rest of what you need to do later on.
Maid:
If I could afford a cook and a maid I would definitely get one. I do not have an affinity for cooking or cleaning. I am a born manager. :) I feel like being able to have the house nicer, but me be free to spend more time with the children or be hospitable, or other things would be very nice.
In so many other countries, having house help is a standard thing for most families. I have a friend who was born and raised in Columbia, South America. They always had helpers in their home to cook, clean, and help with the children. She describes this arrangement as not so much someone else doing all of your jobs, but more of someone else making sure everything keeps moving along if you need to do something else. So, if you are pregnant and need a nap, the housekeeper would watch over your 2 year old so you could rest. (it doesn't mean you no longer give baths or change diapers) If you are making dinner but a friend stops by, the cook would keep cooking plus make a little tea and snack for you to offer to your guest while you spend time with your visitor. This friend of mine now lives in the US and has 2 little girls and she really struggles because she was not brought up believing that any one person should have to do everything that it takes to run a home and take care of children. Interesting perspective. I would like to move to Columbia. ha ha. :)
I called everyone from the hospital. I figured that while I was there, I had help not only with the new baby, but with someone was watching my older kids as well. Many people would not stay for extended periods of time either. The visiting hours were good too. Plus, everyone HAD to wash their hands upon entering the room. At home, I would have felt bad for being too exhausted to visit, uncomfortable nursing in front of visitors, and I really wanted to focus on the new rythm of my family. Just when baby would go to sleep, someone would ring the doorbell and wake them. If I did not answer (courtesy of unplugging the doorbell) I had people beating on the door and sometimes even the windows.
Before baby is born, let family know when is acceptable to visit. Post a sign on your front door. Leave paper and a pen hanging too so they can write a message. Turn the volume down on your answering machine and change the message to say that you will return calls as your new schedule permits, or even that you are home, but bonding with the baby. Just remember, you never get that time back. Don't let anyone pressure you into what you are uncomfortable with. Good luck!
As to the question about relatives visiting after the baby is born...I too want time alone as a family, and I don't want anyone there for the birth either, except my husband and midwife! We have chosen to wait to notify folks/family till after the fact...and then they have a 2 1/2 hr drive which gives us time to 'get settled', and those that live close understand our feelings, although at first they might have been a little offended, now I think they can understand! Also employ your husband to be the "bad guy" who has to tell them that you are getting tired and the baby needs to rest now, etc...(I have homebirths)you've just had a baby, and getting emotionally stressed is not the way to go. I love being able to rest in the fact that my husband is my protector, and he does a great job! :)
In answer to a few of the questions posted: I really think it's important to talk about having visitors after the baby with your husband as soon as possible and come to an agreement on how you both want it to be handled. Everyone is different in how they feel right after giving birth. I personally always deliver in a hospital and we usually try to limit the visitors that come there to the siblings and grandparents, but those are brief visits since hospital rooms are small, etc. Upon arriving home I usually like a few days to rest and get into a good nursing routine with the baby. I think it's perfectly fine to communicate to the extended relatives that you are not up to company right away. This is a very special time and giving birth is hard work. I think I felt the most wiped out the week following the delivery!
There really is no "typical" day in my house, though my schedule looks alot like yours, Crystal, minus the business aspects. In the morning before they are up I have a little computer time, start laundry, exercise and have personal devotions. Throughout the day I alternate between chores (some of which I tackle alone when they are happily playing and others which they work alond side me) and things like music time, reading, arts and crafts, etc. During nap time in the afternoon I finish up whatever still needs doing and sometimes work on extra things like sewing. In the evening we try to all sit down as a family for supper, even though my husband works unpredictable hours and sometimes has to work late. After supper it's baths and reading and we try to have them in bed somewhere between 8 and 8:30. Then we try to spend an hour or so together before retiring ourselves.
If I could travel anywhere, it would be to Italy or Greece. I don't think I would hire a maid, even if I could afford it, because I really love cleaning and caring for the interior of the home myself. I WOULD hire a lawn service and a personal shopper, though! :-)
As far as hiring a maid, I like Crystal's idea of a mother's helper one day a week. Occaisonally I have one of my sisters come over and play with the children for a few hours while I get a few things done. They have fun playing with auntie and I get a little break from the constant demands of a baby and a toddler! We are on a tight budget, so rather than pay her a set fee per hour, we work out a swap, such as me trimming her hair, letting her borrow scrapbooking tools and accesories, or passing along a bag of clothes that she likes but I no longer wear. It works well all around.
I've loved reading these Q&A posts of yours Crystal - your answers are fascinating! Especially about your typical daily schedule. Wow! It inspires me to make the most of each day. And yes I think you should definitely come to England! :)
We do have family visit as it is a special day for them too. But I can understand some quiet time too. One thing we did with our second child and will do again with future children is ask everyone to step out of the room when the older sibiling visits for the first time. My sister kept our son for our second delivery. My husband went to get him and when they got back all of our visitors departed for about 10-15 minutes to allow us to introduce him to his sister in private. It was a very special time. Some family were upset by this but fortunately understanding members tried to explain the reasoning and smooth things over for us.
To the first question - I just have to jump in because we are in the midst of dealing with this RIGHT NOW as we prepare for our first baby's arrival in January.
We too want to be alone for a bit after the birth, so we told our families that we SO appreciate their love, support and willingness to help, and that when we feel a bit settled into our new family and routine that they'll be the first VIP visitors (in a very positive, upbeat and enthusiastic way - NOT "you can't visit!" ;)
Keep the explanations/comments about how you feel this is best for you, your husband and your family (and NOT about them personally, or not "wanting" them); as this seemed to make all the difference in the receptiveness and responses. Also, your confidence level in explaining your decision will give some a clue how comfortable you are, and therefore sure you are, of this decision. Speak about this decision positively, clearly and confidently and you will be received as such.
Some in our families kindly understood and others basically laughed at us for trying to "do it ourselves" in the early days, saying that they "know we'll call", but, whatever...we smiled and thanked them for their care and concern just the same!
My husband feels strongly about this protection of our family, for which I am grateful, and our mighty God will sustain us, no matter what! Stick to your decision and take what time you need. I don't think it's selfish, I think it’s WISE!
Blessings, Savannah
I have had mastitis in the first couple weeks with 3 out of 4 babies. It is absolutely critical that I get rest. And I can't rest when I have visitors. My parents come out for a couple weeks to run the house for me. Other than that, a short visit of less than an hour, no more than 1 a day, would be okay after the first few days. But it's 3 weeks for anything more. Right now, we're 11-12 hours from family, so that's not too big a deal.
First baby: visitors all day in the hospital. Next baby: maybe a grandparent to help out with my son; other visitors severely limited (if we can get our point across). I'd rather not have a constant parade of visitors. I actually think it slowed my recovery!
Thanks for sharing your schedule! I am working on getting one together right now, so I can use lots of ideas. Right now our schedule is a little too flexible, and I know that both my son and I will appreciate being a bit more structured.
A maid? I think I have several: the washer and dryer, the dishwasher, the sewing machine, the convenient canned vegetables and pre-plucked chickens at the grocery store. When I look back to what my ancestors had to do around the house, I feel very blessed by all of the conveniences we have today. So, no maid. Just some robots that do my work for me!
Do you have relatives visit right away after your babies are born?
Having a lot of people over right after the baby is born is stressful so we stagger visitors. My hubby stays home for a week or two then my mom comes and helps me take care of my other children and the house and then another family member will come and stay. This works great as I usually get 4-6 weeks of in-home help while the family member gets to spend all the quality time they want with the new baby! When a friend or family member asks about seeing the baby after birth I ask them to call first. Our friends ALWAYS make their visits short and usually a week or two after the baby is born. They don't expect to be entertained. Our faith dictates that we baptize babies so we always baptize our children between 3-6 months old. The Godparents throw a huge party at their house after the baptism and we invite everyone over. If someone has not seen the new baby yet they will at the party!
When our son was scheduled to be induced last December, my in-laws (wonderful Godly people I am privilaged to love) came to be here with us. Because I was scheduled to go in Monday morning, they made a weekend of it and we had a great time. They were tons of help since I was not moving around so well those last days. They stayed the first few days after the birth too (them at our home and DH and I at the hospital). It worked out perfectly that they really needed to head home (to Michigan) the morning we came home from the hospital. It gave us the best of both worlds... having family around right away to see the little one and having alone time when we got home with the baby.
A couple suggestions... if anyone comes to stay with you the night before you go into labor (I went on my own the night before my induction was to be), don't give them your bed! A full term plus pregnant woman just can't be comfortable on an air matress in the nursery! Especially if you are getting up every 5-10 with contractions etc!
Second suggestion... guard the time in the hospital carefully! I felt like I had so much to do and I didn't get to just be quiet with my baby and husband (except in the middle of the night when I wanted to be sleeping!) Those precious moments are few and far between! Enjoy them the way you want to!
As far as family coming when you first get home... my mom came 2 weeks later (baby was still tiny and DH had gone back to work). She was an amazing help... especially since the meals stopped coming around then from the church families! Family may be more likely to not be hurt if you explain that you would love them to come, but that they would be so much more a blessing if they waited a couple weeks till you really can't do it yourself! :)
Visitors after birth of a baby:
Before the birth of our first child, my husband and I agreed that we wanted some special "visitor free" time to enjoy our baby. Family members and friends came to the hospital, then respected our wishes to spend some time adjusting on our own.
However, here was my surprising revelation-- I was lonely! Especially after the first week when my husband returned to work. Up until this point I had been employed outside of the home full-time, and now I was home full time making that adjustment on my own with the new baby. The days seemed long and a bit empty.
My mom came to visit during the third week home, and it was WONDERFUL!!!! She helped me by ordering out most meals (and picking up the food :) ), holding the baby while I accomplished things around the house, and taking me on short outings to get me accustomed to short trips with baby. You might laugh, but up until then I'd never even unfolded the stroller to see how it worked! Ha!
So, make time to adjust, but also consider having someone you dearly love come to help for a short time...someone who produces no pressure and is willing to go with the flow and ADORE and COO over your new miracle!!
My mother was super at this...when she had me she also had the "horror story" of in-laws coming to stay for a solid week, with teenagers and their friends in tow! My dad says, "When I brought your mom home from the hospital, the house was clean, we had groceries, she was happy, and you were happy. By the time the grandparents left six days later (presumably coming to help!!) the house was dirty, we were out of food, your mom was crying and you were crying!" Ha! So choose your help carefully!!
Also, I've found that most friends KNOW to drop by for only a short time. They can also be wonderful help...so many friends blessed me with a quick stop by with meals and gifts.
Enjoy your beautiful baby!
Crystal, your schedule sounds so organized. But you do have times when things go off track, I imagine? I wonder what you do then... meaning, which are the basic things you will not leave waiting for more than a day.
I agree so much with happylittlemama's comment. Our midwife told my husband to be the protector of his family and he was good at notifying visitors that I couldn't see them or that only 20 minute visits were best in those first few days after a home birth. My SIL called all of our friends to tell them of the news and she instructed all of my friends that I didn't want visitors for 3 days. I didn't mind family coming the first day for one hour but it was so precious to have that time alone as a family of 3, to rest and recover! My midwife also said to wear your pajamas everyday for the first week postpartum. She said if you greet visitors in pajamas, they will often take a better hint that you are weak, tired, and in "recovery mode" so they are less likely to stay a long time. I think that for your first baby it's nice to have more space, but with my second I wanted my mom there RIGHT AWAY and I would have loved it if she could have helped me for 2-3 weeks instead of 5 days. I was absolutely desperate for help as I was anemic after losing lots of blood and had a horrible chest cold, my almost-2 year old is a live wire full of boundless energy, and my hubby had the worst flu of his entire life in those few days after my son's birth. There is no one quite like your mommy to come and care for you in situations like that!
I'd like to travel to Italy, Scotland, and Hawaii.
I would hire help, or trade for it, if we could afford it and it seemed necessary at a certain point in my life. But, I really liked what someone said about your kids being your helpers. By the time I have a houseful of kids and might need a lot more help my oldest two or three will be plenty old enough to do chores and help entertain younger siblings.
Do we have visitors after the new baby arrives? Yes...BUT we were very clear about "visiting hours" and we had family who respected our wishes. Of the one visitor who did not respect our wishes - my husband met them at the door, thank them for stopping by and explained that I was 'unavailable'(I was enjoying a nice bath!) and the baby was sleeping - and explained that this was the exact reason we had set up specific times to visit. There were no hard feelings over it at all.
The schedule of our day fits into Crystal's philosophy...the written schedule is only a guideline because our family life can't fit into a square chart on paper most days!
Travelling all around points of N. America is a desire for me.
Finally, I can say I am truly thankful for all the 'mother's helpers' in my church. We have a handful of reliable, responsible Christian young ladies who can be trusted for childcare - particularly because they have been raised by parents who believe that serving other families is a far better way to spend their time then working in retail or food services, etc.
Wow so many of you women are extremely blessed to have had family come and help you out for weeks at a time. I never had that! My husband was home for a month after our second baby due to a layoff, but baby 1 and 3 I was on my own a few days after being in the hospital. It was very hard, but my husband would come home from work and cook and help clean what was necessary! I cannot even imagine how blessed I would feel having that much help! As a matter of fact after my 3rd was born I had a home daycare and opened back up 2 weeks later! I cannot wait until my girls have babies so I can do that with them! I will cook and clean and grocery shop for them, they will be the most blessed mommies........
As for visitors after the birth, since every birth is different, it's hard for me to say. While I think it's good to consider family members feelings, I think it's more important that they respect and honor your wishes since you're the one who's given birth, which is hard work!
ALL my inlaws (parents and siblings) came to visit *overnight* three days after the baby was born. Let me be clear, they came to visit - not to help. Trying to be hostess to a houseful of overnight company while also trying to be a brand new mama was beyond stressful. There was no privacy (they followed me everywhere) and I was trying to get breastfeeding established. That was baby #1.
With baby #2 (and any day now #3) things are much calmer. They live farther away, and can't conceivably come until at least a few weeks later. My mother comes instead, and she is a lovely help! I think your mileage varies depending totally on WHO is doing the visiting, and what sort of guest they are.
If I had a high horse, visitors after babies would be it. I personally don't see the virtue in every one storming a hospital room right after a woman has her baby. As far as relatives are concerned, I am very close to my mom, and I wouldn't mind if she were there (not in the room) the whole time. I am comfortable with her, and she knows how to take care of me and can watch my other children so my husband can enjoy time with me and the baby at the hospital. My mother-in-law is great too, but she's not my mom and I'm not as comfortable around here. She has always been fine with scheduling a visit about 3 weeks after the baby arrives. This was different when we lived in the same town... we didn't make her wait 3 weeks to see the grandbaby... she came right over, but didn't hang around all day either.
As far as not having visitors right after giving birth, it really doesn't matter if the extended family likes the idea or not. It is a decision you and your husband need to make together and come to an agreement on what will be best for you and baby. Then communicate your wishes in a nice way to the relatives. Some people can't take a hint and don't have a good sense on what proper boundaries are, so this is something that needs to be figured out well before the baby arrives. A good policy that my husband and I came up with was to ask people to please call before showing up on our doorstep. That way we could stagger visitors and we wouldn't have a housefull all at once. Everyone was so excited to meet the new baby and we were excited to show him off, but it was so nice to be able to nurse the baby, grab a bite to eat ourselves, and rest between visits.
I had very few visitors with the exception of immediate family after our son was born, and they always checked with us before coming over. I hope it'll be the same with future babies! I did email lots of pictures to friends & co-workers within the first few days, so I think that's a nice modern solution that lets folks have a harmless peek at the sweet new creature.
My schedule isn't really fixed, just a list of things that I do each day or weekly, based around the baby's feeding/sleeping schedule.
If I could travel right now, I'd like to go to New Zealand, Australia, India, Egypt, Israel, Jordan, Iran, and Russia. In that order!
If a cleaning person was in the budget, I'd totally go for it! My parents, both of whom work outside the home, almost always had someone in to clean once a week and it was fantastic. It didn't eliminate the need for our chores and things like dishes & laundry (there were 8 of us kids) but the floors were done, furniture polished and kitchen & bathrooms scrubbed once a week. I think my mom always got the wife of one of the local grad students or foreign surgical residents, someone who needed a bit of money. Later on, our grandma lived with us and did the cooking, but my folks still always had someone in to clean.
I have had 3 home-water-births and am looking forward to a 4th next July. First Birth both sets of parents were there for the birth and the in-laws stayed for 2 weeks and my parents an additional two weeks.....Way tooo much stress.
My MIL as lovely a person as she is can be more of a "ME" person than a helper...so that makes it a stressful time when she is here instead of a restful time.
The last two births my parents came again for a whole month, like a week before and 3 weeks after, a huge blessing to me, as my mom would just do everything, it is my only vacation really when she is visiting or I go to her house...lol... as far as my In-laws I requested that I have two weeks to bond with baby, recover, heal, get the baby feeding properly, etc. It has been meet with offense both times.....
I am sure we will have a somewhat similar situation this next time as well. The nice thing was having my mom there to cook meals and clean and then after they left then the church brought meals for two weeks every other day...that really helped me in terms of getting back on my feet and into a new routine.
Blessings, Melissa D. SC
We don't have visitors right after our babies our born, but not by our choice. My parents live 1400 miles away and my just doesn't seem to have inclination to come visit or help at that time...she'd be welcome if she did!
As for hiring a maid/help, my husband is deploying about 6 weeks after our fourth baby is born (due in Jan). We've agreed to use some of his hazardous duty pay for me to have a "Mother's Helper" one or two times a week, probably for 4-5 hours. Our other children are 15 months, 3.5 and 7 and I homeschool, so this will give me a "free" morning for running errands or scheduling appointments, or maybe even just to do a project at home with less interruption. I sometimes feel a bit guilty when I think how much debt we could pay off with that money, but quite honestly, I think this will help preserve my sanity during the 15 months he is gone.
Cathy
Your girls sleep for 12 hours at night and take 3-hour afternoon naps?! I could have a dream life if my kids did that! I would have so much free time! You are so lucky.
Valerie
Valerie: Don't worry, that's not usually what happens - like I said in my post, some days neither one of them takes a nap and then they are up multiple times per night! :) I just plan for that much sleep so that hopefully they sleep some of that allotted time. :)
Kaitlynn sleeps in 3-6 hour stretches per night usually. Kathrynne averages about 8-10 hours of sleep at night plus she usually has quiet time or naptime in the afternoon (sometimes she sleeps, sometimes she doesn't but she normally plays quietly in her room for an hour or two. If she goes to sleep, it's normally for at least and hour and a half).
I am blessed that I usually get at least a 4-5 hour stretch of sleep most nights without waking - I know a lot of moms don't. And then both girls normally go down for at least an hour or two in the afternoons.
I've never had children who were very dependable sleepers, but I am thankful for when they sleep! :)
About visitors after the birth of a baby:
I understand that people view babies as a blessing, and as such, are incredibly excited to meet said new little individual. HOWEVER.... After having my first at the end of August, never NEVER EVER will I again allow visitors at home, right away. We had tons of visitors in the hospital, and while I LOVED the attention, it did take away from nursing time and just being with Liam. As far as visitors at home?
We had a mix of incredibly considerate people, and clueless, selfish individuals who cared nothing about myself, my recovery, or the baby. My parents, my grandfather (who was tickled pink to become a great-grandad), best friend and her fiance all came over the day I came home from the hospital. They brought food, helped with laundry and house chores - so helpful, even if it was embarrassing that I had to concede defeat and control over my household (ladies - seriously. Let people help!). They all stayed about 2 hours, and left us alone to rest.
The next day, my FIL and StepMIL came to visit. They stayed far too long, expected us to entertain them ("What do you mean, you already ate lunch? We figured you'd wait until we got here to serve lunch!" Me: "Excuse me?") - I felt none too gracious, especially considering that we had asked them to wait a week as I had an incredibly hard night before nursing, first night home, etc. They showed up anyway, and my husband couldn't turn them away because he felt guilty/ my FIL told him it was 'unfair' that my parents got to be so close (they live in the same town! Yeesh.).
Next time around, I told DH that I really don't care if folks want to storm the hospital - the nurses are great bouncers! But as far as visiting at home? They play by my rules, or they don't see the baby. Period.
Hard line, yes, but because I was constantly entertaining my FIL, StepMIL and their disrespectful family, I developed scar tissue which now needs surgery, thankyouverymuch.
(Yes, I'm still annoyed about this. Normally I'm much nicer, but this is my high horse.)
relatives:
I guess the answer to the question would be, "it depends on your relatives". I find that I am much more easily upset postpartum and so that sort of aggravation from disagreeable in-laws and critical parents only made things worse. I would have WELCOMED a helpful, sweet, non-critical grandma coming over to make meals I liked and doing some laundry, even if she did rearrange the kitchen! I did not appreciate people in my home criticizing the messy house, the fact that I was breastfeeding, giving my baby a bottle against my wishes while I napped, and telling me I was lazy for not planning to return to work. A new mom does not need that sort of aggravation, and if at all possible, a husband should take time off of work to be with her and to run interference between her and "the relatives" as much as possible. My dh was unable to get time of off work. Looking back we both regret that in a big way.
Travel: I'd want to take my kids back to Austria with me where I used to live, and to Prague, Czech Republic, where I got saved 17 years ago!
My day:
get up around 8 am, workout, devotions, get dressed, then eat breakfast (kids make it), do school until around 1, then I do housework and business stuff from 1:30-3:30, and the kids can work on tv-free projects of their own when their chores are done. at 3:30 I start to work on dinner, and we do some chores for about an hour or two. Hubby home around 6, and we eat dinner. I either read or work on different projects or do some cleaning. A few nights a week I do handbell choir, art, and piano.
A maid: I did that when we were newly married, but a maid only works if you are already organized and just need someone to do the touch ups. Now I am to the point that I wouldn't want someone in my house cleaning it, and besides that I have 2 teens and 3 preteens who always are eager to get some extra paying jobs :-))
We have three children and I have had it each way, people staying with us and having a full house, relatives nearby visit at the hospital and then no one visit because there was a snow storm. I enjoyed the snow storm the best because it was my husband and I and doctor and nurses the whole time and no visitors. It is such a special time and we just love sharing it with each other.
I am very private about nursing, so having people pop in and out those first few weeks is hard. I think people know me enough so it is usually not an issue. Although we don't want to be selfish we have to be honest about what we prefer, this should be a time to rest and recuperate and bond with our new baby, not host a bunch of people and feel stressed. I prefer no one staying with us at all as having "help" stresses me out more. I enjoy having my husband take the time off and we take care of everything together. (-: I love my family coming to visit, just stay with someone else or wait until we have had time to get things semi normal.
No maid for us, although a surprise maid for a deep cleaning would be a fun gift once in a blue moon. I was an MK in the Philippines and we had "helpers" and it was sooooo nice. (-:
I loved reading about your schedule! Especially the part about what you are doing (educationally) with Kathrynne! You said you are counting to 20 with her and singing the alphabet. I wrote a song (the lyrics were easy) with the numbers 1-20 so I could sing it with my son (now 11 months). He really likes it, especially since I add the ASL signs for each number and make a game out of the last few numbers. I'm curious though... have you ever heard of a number song to 20? I'm thinking I should find some way to record it so that it can be shared and used by more than just DS and I. What do you think?
Please tell me that there are times that you don't get up between 5-6 a.m.! That is my biggest problem -- getting up on time. You really make me feel guilty!
Dovey: Don't worry, if I've been up a lot at night (which happens often), am overly-tired, or have stayed up too late, I'll sleep in. And I almost always sleep in on Saturdays and Sundays!
I've never been one who needs a ton of sleep, so don't feel guilty. We all have strengths and weaknesses!
Out of curiosity, what Pilates DVD do you use?
I would love to visit England and Scotland!
Gracie
Post a Comment
<< Home