O Love that wilt not let me go
As New Year's Eve is upon us, I find myself in a state of reflection over the past year. And it seems like I have a lot to reflect on for 2007!
It has, by far, been the most traumatic and difficult year of my life. From a move, another planned move that fell through at the last minute, two job losses, three months of unemployment and every single job opportunity being snuffed out, and the possibility that I might have a life-threatening disease coupled with a number of severe pregnancy complications.
Yes, it's been a difficult year.
I wish I could tell you that my faith never wavered, that I never questioned God, that I never worried about how we were going to pay the bills. But I'll be very honest and tell you that I wasn't this stalwart brave soul in the midst of all of this.
In reality, this past year I hit bottom more times than I can count. I learned that it's relatively easy to be cheerful and happy when times are good, but when it seems like everything is being pulled out from under you - your job security, your income, your health, even perhaps your very life - that's really when the rubber meets the road.
I remember how I felt the night after I was admitted to the hospital when all of my tests were coming back very strange and doctors kept coming in and throwing around words about this or that debilitating disease. Or how I responded when we got yet another call or letter or email rejecting Jesse's employment application.
There were many times when I would fall on my face and literally plead with God that He would take the struggles away. "Haven't I had enough practice in trusting You this year?" I'd beg. "Can't we just have a little breather here?" And yet it seemed the rain kept falling and the sunshine was nowhere to be found.
Why, God? How long, O Lord?
It isn't easy being clay in the Potter's hands. I think I know best; if I were in control I'd choose much differently. But that's why I'm not God. He knows the end from the beginning. From Eternity past, He planned 2007 to be a year of chiseling away at this crystal of His.
Through all the difficulties, I've grown and matured so much. I've learned to stop finding my security and joy in temporal things. I've learned to be more compassionate towards those with health issues, towards those experiencing difficult pregnancies, towards those struggling financially, towards those without a job.
I've learned more of the Father's love for me. A love that doesn't always give me what I want, but what I need so that I may become more Christ-like. A love that doesn't stop loving me even when I am questioning, fretting, and worrying. A love that wilt not let me go.
As we enter into 2008, only God knows what is in store, but I am grateful for 2007 with all its tears and struggles. I pray that I never forget its lessons and ever cling tighter and tighter to the Lover of my soul.
And I bid farewell to 2007 with the rich words of a hymn that has become ever-so-meaningful to me this year:
It has, by far, been the most traumatic and difficult year of my life. From a move, another planned move that fell through at the last minute, two job losses, three months of unemployment and every single job opportunity being snuffed out, and the possibility that I might have a life-threatening disease coupled with a number of severe pregnancy complications.
Yes, it's been a difficult year.
I wish I could tell you that my faith never wavered, that I never questioned God, that I never worried about how we were going to pay the bills. But I'll be very honest and tell you that I wasn't this stalwart brave soul in the midst of all of this.
In reality, this past year I hit bottom more times than I can count. I learned that it's relatively easy to be cheerful and happy when times are good, but when it seems like everything is being pulled out from under you - your job security, your income, your health, even perhaps your very life - that's really when the rubber meets the road.
I remember how I felt the night after I was admitted to the hospital when all of my tests were coming back very strange and doctors kept coming in and throwing around words about this or that debilitating disease. Or how I responded when we got yet another call or letter or email rejecting Jesse's employment application.
There were many times when I would fall on my face and literally plead with God that He would take the struggles away. "Haven't I had enough practice in trusting You this year?" I'd beg. "Can't we just have a little breather here?" And yet it seemed the rain kept falling and the sunshine was nowhere to be found.
Why, God? How long, O Lord?
It isn't easy being clay in the Potter's hands. I think I know best; if I were in control I'd choose much differently. But that's why I'm not God. He knows the end from the beginning. From Eternity past, He planned 2007 to be a year of chiseling away at this crystal of His.
Through all the difficulties, I've grown and matured so much. I've learned to stop finding my security and joy in temporal things. I've learned to be more compassionate towards those with health issues, towards those experiencing difficult pregnancies, towards those struggling financially, towards those without a job.
I've learned more of the Father's love for me. A love that doesn't always give me what I want, but what I need so that I may become more Christ-like. A love that doesn't stop loving me even when I am questioning, fretting, and worrying. A love that wilt not let me go.
As we enter into 2008, only God knows what is in store, but I am grateful for 2007 with all its tears and struggles. I pray that I never forget its lessons and ever cling tighter and tighter to the Lover of my soul.
And I bid farewell to 2007 with the rich words of a hymn that has become ever-so-meaningful to me this year:
O Love that wilt not let me go,
I rest my weary soul in thee;
I give thee back the life I owe,
That in thine ocean depths its flow
May richer, fuller be.
O light that followest all my way,
I yield my flickering torch to thee;
My heart restores its borrowed ray,
That in thy sunshine's blaze its day
May brighter, fairer be.
O Joy that seekest me through pain,
I cannot close my heart to thee;
I trace the rainbow through the rain,
And feel the promise is not vain,
That morn shall tearless be.
O Cross that liftest up my head,
I dare not ask to fly from thee;
I lay in dust life's glory dead,
And from the ground there blossoms red
Life that shall endless be.
Labels: Faith
posted by Crystal Paine at 2:44 PM
21 Comments:
Crystal~You ever amaze me at how honest you are willing to be with us. I appreciate you more than you know. The Lord has tested me this year too, and I know how hard that can be. But isn't so awesome to know He is ever faithful and ever giving us the best for us(even if we don't think so at the time)?!
Your fellow sister, thinking of and praying for you! I still am so very glad to have found you in this little spot called blogland:-)
Lots of love,
Sommer
Amen, Crystal. I pray that you guys will continue to be blessed by the Father and grow in his steadfast, unfailing and abundant love in 2008. I can relate to difficulties and the growth that erupts from them, and I admire your candidness and the genuine way in which you share your true self - the woman who you are in the Lord, one that sometimes questions, one that sometimes despairs, one that always hopes. That's what being a Child of God is all about. His hope is our hope, and it can never be extinguished.
Praying for a fabulous 2008 for Biblical Womanhood's creators and all of its readers! :o)
Crystal,
Thank you for your ability to be so open with us, perfect strangers who read about your life and feel like we know you! While our 2007 wasn't as full of trials as yours was, we have had to put a lot of trust and faith in Christ w/ a new business and another baby coming that we weren't really expecting at this time. But God is so good to us! Even in the midst of trials, the pain, the uncertainty it is all to grow us closer to Him...how great is His love for us! I pray that 2008 brings you much joy!
Thank you for your honesty and transparency. My family and I have also experienced the most tramatic year of our lives....we have been tried and tested yet God has been faithful.
I trust that the Lord will give you and your family a year of peace, blessing, and joy - a year of glorious moments where the power of God and His glory is clearly seen and felt!
Blessings always, *Sara*
Thank you so much for your honesty. We too have had a very difficult year, one that peaked this month with the loss of our baby at 17 weeks. We have also had our share of blessings, as you have. I hope that next year brings a little more sunshine for you.
Valerie
One of my favorite hymns!
Happy New Year and God's blessings to you!
Your honesty blessed me, Crystal. Thank you. I've had a very similar year, and had often wondered if it's just me who has had all these struggles, hitting "rock bottom" numerous times, etc. But I continue to hope in what I cannot see, knowing that it is Him alone that will sustain and guide me in the hours, days, weeks, months and years to come. Love you, friend!
To quote the book you blessed us all with by referring us to it, "Passionate Housewives Desperate for God"...
"We must also remember that because of our sin, all any of us deserve is death and destruction...regardless of our trials, not one of us is getting less than we deserve; we're getting abundantly
more!...therefore, no matter what He asks of us, it is never too much..."
I know we've heard it all before, but it's one of those pearls of truth that really stand out in a new way when we find ourselves in really difficult trials, such as yourself Crystal.
2007 held many trials for us as well as we watched our 3 week old son get whisked down the hospital corridor for major surgery...and again with our 13 year old....and of course all of the trials in between that we face on a daily basis.
I know this for sure: God loves us and is in control over everything, all the time. He allowed us, as an orchard of fruit-bearing trees, to stand in the midst of howling wind-storms so that we would drive our roots in deeper and therefore be stronger in standing...whether in more storms or on the sunny days.
And I thank our Lord for that! Oh, how He loves us to want that for us! For all of us! Thank You Jesus for being in control and for never leaving us! We love You!
I'm looking so forward to what God's plan is for our family in 2008! Knowing no matter what it is, He has allowed it and is watching us grow closer to Him because of it. How exciting!
One of my favorite hymns ever!! (Especially the R.U.F. version)
This year has been the hardest of my life as well and I can greatly relate to your honost evaluation of your response to trials. Your honosty and openness is so refreshing as is your faith and hope we share in a sovereign God.
Thanks for all you do for your readers. We love you!!
Oh Crystal, doesn't it seem like we are always either going into a battle, in one, or coming out of one? Last night our pastor spoke about this and the theme was the battle before the breakthrough. Whenever God wants to take us closer, to see and experience a deeper understanding the battle rages before. He indicated that for each breakthrough the battle will become tougher than the last. (Sorry, I didn't want to hear that either.) He also said that as we come to this new understanding/commitment that God is wanting from us that if we resist we will die waiting on the border of our promised land, rather than enjoying life in it. I too am emerging from a pit, and knowing some of the things God has been showing me, it got my attention because I don't want to live on the border after going through that particular trial. May you draw nearer to your Maker and find the rest and renewal you need.
Just a quick thought, as I read the responses, it is obvious many of us have had horrible trials in the last year or so. It seems nearly every Christian I know says the last couple of years have been the MOST difficult for them. I know trials are part of life, but when so many Christians have had their absolute hardest times nearly simaltanously is God strengthing all of us for something that lies ahead?
Your post blessed me so much. I said to God today, "Why does our life seem so much more complicated than everybody else's?" It's easy to feel sorry for ourselves when it seems like we are in a long never ending trial. The truth is though is that we grow because of our trials. If everyday was perfect we wouldn't see our deep need for God. He really does know what's best for us and I need to remember that. Thank you for your encouragement and inspiration.
Blessings on you and yours in 2008. Your brave and true blogging inspires me to dig deeper and reach higher.
Marianne at Writer-Mommy
I had a year like this two years ago. Let's see, I broke my arm, husband fell of a 15 ft ladder and amazingly lived, son was diagnosed with rare skin disease, mom diagnosed with MS, dad in a head on collison to name a few......
It was to the point we didn't want people to ask us how we were doing anymore!
God brought us through, and showed us how amazingly He can provide for us when we truly rely on Him. I, too, was not this brave wonder woman through it all. But once we walked through it, we were all amazed at how we had grown. And to tell you the truth, I wouldn't have wanted to miss that growth opportunity!
The good news..now when trials come our way we have definitely learned to roll with the punches. Our God has it all under control!
Blessings to you and your family for a wonderful New Year!
I just wanted to thank you for your e-book special!! I bought 2 and love them so much, they are incredible and will help me with my new year's resolution!
What I beautiful post. I can agree with SOOO many things, as I have had a difficult year also. I learned so much and I trust God for a new beginning in '08.
This is my first visit to this blog, but thanks for sharing.
oh Crystal! What a beautiful heartfelt post! Your words speak my heart at various trials I have been through - health, finances, being stretched in my faith, etc. A group of friends of mine admire your wisdom and frugality at your young age. We are all more than 10-15 years older. We are so encouraged by your family's multi-generational faithfulness. I see that God is renewing your mind and what a blessed gift that is!!! God turns every thing that the enemy means for evil into good! I just ordered a bunch of your e-books on special and looking forward to getting into those.
Praying you get that much needed "breather" this new year! Love, Leinani
www.heartofwisdom.com/PUREANDSENSIBLE/
Dear Crystal,
I can relate very much to what you have written here. You know some of my story with the loss of our first child, Faith. I have since then been blessed with another daughter who has been such a blessing. But now it is my health we are having a hard time with.
One thing I try to remember is that hard times are opportunities to show that God truly is our greatest treasure.
But I too have had a hard time trusting in God, when I think I know a better way.
One book that I am reading right now that has been really helpful in my journey of learning to have a quiet trust in Him, is "A Gentle and Quiet Spirit" by Matthew Henry. I am not at home right now, so I can't double check that title, but I am almost positive that is it. :-)
Although it can be a little harder reading, since it is an older book, it has been very convicting, and helped me so much! I picked it up when I was visiting a Sovereign Grace Church (My brother's in-laws church).
Thanks for sharing from your heart. God bless you and your family this next year. :-)
Crystal,
Just a note to say how grateful I am for your blog. You and an inspiration to many people, young and old. Thank you!
Valerie
It has been a year of growth for me and my family too. But Crystal, you are such an encouragement to me. Your blog is one of the things I'm very grateful for.
:)
oops! I must have been logged in as my husband on accident! The post above that says Joel should say Kimiharris! Sorry about that!
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