Finding Time: Part 5 - Less is more
Chinamama4 left a wonderful comment on my last Finding Time post:I think that the really tricky part for Christian women is the balancing act of all the "important" things once we have eliminated the "unimportant". So many activities seem valuable and Biblical and fit into our category of "glorifying God" (Bible study groups, teaching VBS, volunteering in the food pantry...), but if they take us away from a higher priority, that is, our husband, our children, and especially the Lord, then we're missing something.I am so guilty myself of playing the "comparison game." I'll see another mom with two little children who seems to be more put together and I'll look down at my spit-up stained shirt and wonder what my problem is.
I've had to really evaluate carefully all my "extras" and have let go of many really wonderful things - teaching Sunday school, MOPS, Moms In Touch - so as to focus more fully on the Lord and on the family He has blessed me with. And it's tempting to look at other moms and think, "If she can do all that she does and still raise that great family and look lovely and keep that beautiful home, why can't I?".
I've also often found myself feeling guilty after reading various blogs that I'm not baking all my bread from scratch, sewing my girls all their Sunday dresses, decorating my home with flair, making elaborate dinners, and on and on.
Cindy's farewell post was just about the best post I've ever read and I encourage everyone to run over there right now and read it:
I'm slowly learning that while it is great to be inspired by others and it is wonderful to learn new skills, it's okay to do less.When I first hopped on the Internet express, I was alert and aware of all the potential ways that I could stumble into sin. It seemed the Internet could offer up any sin on a platter and my job was to be careful. I knew I needed to avoid evil.
In the end, it was not the evil things on the Internet, not even the arguments and negativity, but rather the good things that bogged me down. So many, many good things. Pictures of decorated houses, libraries, recipes, book suggestions (this alone has been enough to almost drown me), crafts, knitting, aprons, sewing, frugality, weather, poetry, audio files, friends, homeschooling suggestions, music and the ideas, the wonderful, wonderful ideas.
Almost all of my successes in life have come because I do less than other people not more. I realized this the other day. I am not one of those whirling women impressing the luncheon guests. If I have less of a garden and less of a house and less curricula, fewer hobbies, fewer errands, smaller expectations I accomplish more. My productivity goes up as my distractions go down.
Read full post.
Really, it's okay.
In fact, it is probably more than okay; it might be the best thing for your home and family if you learn to say "no," slow down, and savor life right now. We can't all do everything and we would do well to realize this.
Instead, we should stop comparing ourselves to others and start focusing on what God has called us to do.
This will mean different things for different people as we are all in different seasons with different husbands and different families. For some it might mean you buy your bread, never use a coupon, and don't have a blog. For others it might mean you stay home more, serve two-course dinners, and stick to the basics.
Do what God has called you to do and seek to do that well. Don't spend your life trying to do more than you can do, be more than you should be, and run yourself ragged trying to impress or outdo other people.
I'm learning that it's okay for me - in this season of my life - to keep dinner very simple, to be a minimalist in decorating, to put most crafts and sewing on hold for the time being, to downsize our business, and to say "no" more often.
Yes, I do some blogging and online entrepreneurial things. Yes, I do more reading than some people. Yes, I enjoy bargain-shopping. But there are so many things that I don't do. In fact, I have feeling that some of you who haven't met me in real life would be surprised at how simple and basic our life is.
But you know what? My husband and I really like it this way. We've cleared out a lot of excess commitments and stuff so that we can focus on what is most important--pleasing the Lord, having a strong marriage, raising up our children for the glory of God. Basic, simple, fundamental, important things. Things which will matter in Eternity.
So, be free to do less and you might find out that in paring down, you have a whole lot more time to focus on what's really important.
I'd love to hear from you all on this. How have you sought to simplify your life in order to have more time to focus on what's most important?
Labels: Finding Time
posted by Crystal Paine at 5:00 PM
24 Comments:
I have found myself getting too busy with things that are actually great things to do at home. Several months ago I was making wonderful meals (and bread) by scratch. I was also doing many other tasks that weren't much of a priority before. I got caught up in all of the blogs that I find with women doing "everything" and I thought that I had to do everything myself too. Soon after I got pretty burnt out and had to cut back. My husband prefers me more when I'm not doing too much, and I'm sure my two small boys do too. I wouldn't mind adding some more things into my schedule now, but I will do it slowly not adding too much at a time.
Crystal, I think this is a much needed post for so many of us women. Simplifying has been almost a theme of my life the last 18 months... with much prayer and my husband's direction I have let go of so many things that I once thought important (these are all “good” things, just not right for me, right now): mothers-groups, leading several Bible studies, many speaking engagements, extra hobbies, even extra church activities, and abundant volunteering with and for my husband’s military commitments, etc. It has been very hard for me to say "no", but it's getting easier every day. And, each day I feel more content with the season of my life that the Lord has blessed me to be in right now.
The Lord has been teaching me that he doesn't call me to be "successful in the world’s eyes," but to be "faithful in His eyes." At this time in my life my priorities may look different from other mothers, but we all need to examine our hearts, pray, spend time in God's Word, and talk to our husbands about what "works for each of us." I am so thankful that the Lord is never finished with us and is ready to lead and guide a willing heart.
Wow, Crystal, I needed to hear this! I am one of those moms who (all too often) falls into the pit of comparing herself with others who seem to "have it all together". The truth is, all of us are human and have our faults, limitations, gifts and weaknesses. Thanks for reminding us to glorify God and bless our family through who we are- not who we think we should be. ~Kristy
I love this post. I needed it today too.
I often struggle w/this issue, but I have found that scheduling anything during the week in the evenings, is out of the question (very seldom do I have dinner w/girlfriends, etc. and he doesn't make plans like that either...unless he has to work late or something). These things, though nice on occasion, make me frazzled and the stressfulness of it outweighs the benefit. Our weekends are still often too busy with errands and extended family outings, but we're working on that! :)
Excellent post as always, Crystal. Wanted to throw that in before I asked my OT question :-D
I'm sure you've told before, but what Bible translation do you use and why?
Thanks!
Jennifer
I have decided not to follow the trend to go back to work even though my four kids are all in school. It seems that in our society, once the kids go to school, you are expected to go back to work, as if the kids don't need me anymore! I am the only mom I know who isn't either working or homeschooling. I just know for me and my family, this is what is best right now. I am not super-mom, and I know for sure that I can't do it all. I remember my mom having four kids and working full time. What I remember most is how crabby she was. So, I have committed with the approval of my husband to continue to be at home. I have also cut back on some of my volunteering. I have realized that in order to get things done around the house, I need atleast 2-3 days where I don't go anywhere.
Thank you again for this series of posts!
This is a great and needed encouragement, I think, for many women and especially moms! I think more of us need to speak more vulnerably about all that we aren't doing and/or isn't getting done in our homes for the sake of what is being accomplished. I think we see very small glimpses into others' lives and draw conclusions about all the things that others must be accomplishing with their time, energy and talents and then sinfully beating ourselves up for what we're not doing. It's not only unproductive, it's removing God from the picture of our lives altogeher. He's the One who's assigned our boundary lines and apportioned various measures of giftedness. I must constantly remind myself of this.
I can honestly say I don't worry about this issue :-) (well, not ALL the time, LOL). I had a job before our children arrived, for 14 years! I was 36 when Boy #1 arrived. Upon his arrival, my 'other life' stopped. My focus was strictly on being a wife and a mom.
In getting a first child at an older age, I think I just don't give a hoot about 'what the jones' are doing' or 'what the neighbors think'. I don't worry about saying no to requests; I don't worry about not being at every meeting of every committee at church. In fact, I am proud to say "No thank-you; I have BABIES to raise" and if that ruffles feathers, SO BE IT.
Now, on the other hand, I worry I am not doing 'enough' around the house. I don't always make organic meals; I sometimes use Schwans. I don't always have a dust free home. Laundry is usually at least clean and folded but not always put away the same day it gets done. I worry that I'm not doing enough around home...
BUT I have good reasons for not being Martha Stewart: Sometimes my living room is a giant swimming pool and I'm being "Miss Joy" the teacher. Or, sometimes there is a huge train track set up and I'm in charge of building the stations out of Legos for the Island of Sodor. Or, sometimes, I'm the "Big Bad Pig" trying to blow down the houses of the 'Three Little Wolves". I hope you get my picture... I have BABIES TO RAISE.
Katie, who is off to read Captain Underpants to three little wolves...
Very timely post and something that I am dealing with at this stage in my life.
I do so many fewer activities outside the home than I ever have.
That can be (and is!) very misunderstood, but that's ok. I don't serve others, I serve God.
Now, about feeling guilty about what everyone else is doing...that honestly is not something I've struggled with in regard to reading blogs.
I just take what I can use and leave the rest. For example when I read about someone who grinds their own flour, I have NEVER one time thought that I must do it too.
I say, "Well bless her heart that she enjoys that." and I move on!
Maybe that's 'cause I'm getting old and I don't care so much what others think I should be doing anymore.
;)
Lizzie
Wow, Crystal! I think God is trying to tell me something. It seems every conversation, email, blog in the last 2 days, says something about this exact subject. This week has been trying. Some how or other I ended up with a playdate, get-together, or event EVERY day. With 3 littles, that is just too much. I am resolved to look at my calendar and try to have only 1-2 things besides church each week. Yes, it is the little, wonderful things that can can pile up and drown out the big, important things...
Phebe
Hello Dear Friend!!!!!!!! Love this post.....I fully agree. Less IS more.
P.S. Thank you for your prayers.....I am deeply grateful. Talk to you soon - after we get moved in......
Love, C.
We also keep our lives simple. This is hard to do when you own your business. I am guiding my daughter w/3 kids in homemaking. But it does pain me that there is a family in our church that just don't follow Gods path. What is worse is that the husband is associate pastor & wife is youth group corniator. The house is a mess and the children are always sick. They are being so selfish. They should have waited to have children. A number of good women have talked to them. They like the house a mess. They said it is their minstery to help the church in this way. What kind of example is this to the young children of our church if they live like this? I worked to hard to make sure my home is in order and train my children to have someone like them to say it is o.k. My children don't join in on the youth group activities because of this. I don't want these people for role models. There is no reason why the mother isn't home with her children and tending to her home. I feel so sorry for her. All we can do is pray for them.
This is what the Lord has been ministering to me the last few days and weeks:
This is the life He has given me. These are the kids, this is the husband, these are the friends...
I should not be seeking what others are accomplishing. I am not called to their calling.
I am thankful when the Lord confirms what He is speaking. Don't we serve a wonderful God?!
This is one of my soapboxes. When Mom A looks at Mom B ... she sees what Mom B is doing. Then she automatically assumes that Mom B is doing all that she is doing AND what Mom A is doing as well. We are only one person. And each of us will have our own spiritual gifts, families, situations, husbands .... We can't be somebody else.
I wrote an article a while back that I reprinted on my blog titled "The Back Burner". The basic thought was that we have to put some creative and intellectual pursuits on the back burner especially when our children are small, but that's where things simmer and get richer and more flavorful and are so much better when they are ready. I hope that's an encouragement to some. When my children were little I was doing well if I kept up with laundry, meals, and dishes, yet that's a time of life where we feel pressured to "do" so much and get frustrated because we just can't. But it's ok: our primary ministry is our walk with the Lord and our families.
I had started to blog again and thought & considered for a few days and then decided not to anymore after reading Cindy's very meaningful post.
If I were of normal health and perhaps even younger, it would be a better season for me. Since dealing with daily chronic health issues of pain & low-energy, I logically have less good-energy hours than someone healthy of my age group, and even less good energy-hours than those who are younger. I admit it's not always easy & I am not perfect with all of it. I have days I struggle because I want to be able to do more but cannot. God knows my heart & that's what matters.
For me, in order to exist, I've TRULY had to learn to simplify. Some days all I get done are dishes, a dinner meal, laundry and a few other basics - on really bad days, even less.
How I am simplifying:
- Decluttering slowly (less to clean & take care of)
- Simplify meals (often a main dish with 1 side, but healthy), otherwise some days are whatever healthy quick foods we can grab at home.
- Reduced the # of blogs I now read on a regular basis & reducing time on the internet in general. *Also, I will not read blogs that are not uplifting or make me feel judged in any way.
- Bargain shopping for only what I really need, less shopping in general
- Keeping appointments to a minimum & try not to be out of the house (usually once a week). Days out are really exhausting & put me out of commission for the next day or even longer sometimes.
- I would like to learn a hobby like sewing, but it's at the bottom of my list right now.
- Cleaning: things are basically clean (not spotless). I do what I am able to do and my dh helps with physically harder things. About 99% of the time my dishes are usually washed (no dishwasher). I put them away the next morning.
- Laundry is kept up somewhat.
To me, I think within a household if you have a basically clean kitchen, clean clothes & good food to eat you are taking care of your family's most important physical needs. Everything else can wait a little bit if need be. I try not to let things build up so much because it seems 10 times harder to catch up. A little at a time (ala FlyLady really does help).
Once you have the basics down, then I think you can begin to add other things (never forgetting your real priorities/your loved ones).
We simplified our lives by deciding to homeschool. All the PTA meetings, parent/teacher conferences, parties, programs,and other events took way too much time away from our family. I love knowing exactly what my children are learning, spending more one-on-one time with them and drawing closer to God together as a family.
Great post, Crystal! :) Well, I'm another non-working/non-homeschooling Mom and my life is anything, but busy, at the moment. LOL But, I do struggle with the comparison game. I heard once that comparison is the number one discourger, and I know, at least in my life, that has been so true!
Debi :)
I have recently given up a few things to spend more time educating my kids (ds' work is getting harder now that he working on second grade math and English/Lang Arts), I was cleanign my mom's house for her but since she is now semi-retired I ave given that up, I do the newsletter for our MOPS group but I am giving that up the end of the year, I ahve given up scrapbooking for now (just do not have time for it but will come back to that one!)I ahve also given up on making bread for now just running out of time with all the schoolwork to be done. My kids are at the point that they need me to do things less for them but now that has been replaced by schoolwork for all of us (planning lessons and teaching them takes lots of time esp for a 1st/2nd grader and a prek one too!)
Dh has told me to slow down adn stop comparing myself to everyone else esp those with children who are older and more responsible for their education that will come with time. I have also pretty much given up the going out with my sister and my friends because it is always an evening thing (they all work outside the home) and I prefer to be home in the evenings with dh and the kids!
I have enough thoughts swirling in my head to fill a whole blog post or two, but one I keep coming back to is a deep thankfulness for my husband.
I have learned, and continue to learn, submission on a whole new level in this area. Sometimes I fell pulled into different ministry and homeschool opportunities, but run it by my husband and he looks at me like I'm nuts (in a nice way . . .) and reminds me how full my schedule already is and where my priorities should be. And I think, "But, it's such a great cause. Think of the eternal value!" Then, I remember that God placed him in my life because He knew exactly what I needed, some sanity and focus. I am so thankful for my husband and his direction in this area.
The book Created to be His Helpmeet by Debbie Pearl especially hit me in this area. She challenged women on our tendency to over-spritualize issues. That can cause our husbands to feel less spiritual and make decisions out of false guilt under pressure from us. We need to be submitting to their guidance, not the other way around. This has been a powerful tool for my self-evaluation of decisions and even how I present things to my husband. I need to let him truly lead our home in my head and heart.
~Erin
http://delightinginhisrichness.blogspot.com/
So many wonderful comments have already been posted, but I'll add my $.02. I can really identify with Lyn, as I have chronic health issues which make this an even more important issue! Being on 34 and having about half of the "productive time" in my days because of my health...I have to really focus in! In fact, I do believe the Lord gave me this disease so that I would wake up and see what was happening with my heart.
My life was FULL of all sorts of GOOD things. But I was not doing great at the most important ones. The things that I ended up "letting slide" were the most important ones, involving my family. I ended up giving up my business of six years and the team of consultants who worked with me, so I could focus in on seeking just what the Lord wanted me to be involved in.
I've learned, though it's still not always easy, to ignore the pressure (whether real or perceived) from other Christians about what we "should" be doing. I.E. AWANA, weekly women's Bible studies, etc. I'm so thankful that the Holy Spirit has spoken to me about these things, and that I can more easily feel FREE when I say no.
Also, like Lyn, I try not to be out of the house more than once per week (aside from church on Sundays). I love the peace that comes when our schedule is not too full!
That said, I've still got a long way to go...letting go of excess possessions, streamlining our routine at home to make things even more peaceful and predictable, etc. But we're in a much better place than we used to be. God is good, and I'm humbled by His grace to enable us to be here!
I'm troubled in my spirit so much that I can't sign off here without a quick word to "barbaralee." I am thankful that the Lord has allowed you to have a simple lifestyle and that you are happy with that. Apart from God's grace, NONE of us would be successful at keeping our priorities in line with His. "God's path" is NOT the same for everyone, and only we can know what He is speaking to our own hearts and lives - not to anyone else's. God is also the one who grants the gift of children, and it is for HIM to decide when someone should have kids, not us. There may, in fact, be a very specific reason that the Lord wants this woman doing what she's doing. I believe that even Debi Pearl would encourage this woman that if she is doing what her husband is guiding her to do, then THAT is what is important, as she submits to the Lord and her husband. A clean house is not a sign of a spiritually mature heart, or vice versa.
I say all that, and I do believe in my heart that the best situation is for a woman to be at home caring for her husband and her children. (I left the "work force" before we had kids and don't ever want to go back. I have a small home based business that is low on my prioirity list.) However...I also know that the Lord has different calls on different people at different times in their lives, and it is not for me to tell HIM how He should be guiding anyone else. It is only mine to listen to what He is saying to MY heart. Pray for someone to hear God's will IF they are struggling? Sure. But I hope that we would be able to extend's God's grace to others and trust GOD to work in His way and in His timing in their lives. And trust that He may actually not want their life to look just like mine! He's the one who knows best for each individual family. Makes me think of His conversations with Job. If this woman's heart is right before God and her husband, then the messy house doesn't matter. I'd hope we can all conside the proverbial logs in our eyes...and ask God to help us be vehicles of His grace, which we SO do not deserve, rather than handing out judgement.
Crystal, thank you so much for addressing this issue. It's tough for so many of us, and the evil one really works to tear us apart over it, I think. I've only recently been led by the Lord with my husband's encouragement to pick my old business back up again, because I'm "on top of" the more important things now, they are higher on my priority list, and not being left aside. It feels so good to have a peaceful heart after seeking the Lord through this struggle, and I only hope that He will enable me to continue to keep my eyes FIXED on Him as I will, no doubt, have countless decisions to make in this area from now until I go Home to Him.
Many blessings in Christ,
Jodie
Thanks for the validation, Crystal! And the comments have been so encouraging to me...
My husband has an expression: "looking at someone's outsides with our insides". In other words, when we look at another mom's life and compare ours to hers, we are looking only at her "outside" without being able to truly see what's going on "inside" (her home, her heart...). I have actually had people say to me that they don't know how I do it all and that I have it all together and that I'm such an inspiration to them... Clearly they are only looking at my "outside"! :)
One of the problems with playing The Comparison Game is that we don't all have the exact same circumstances.
Some of us have many little ones. Some of us have older children who are tremendous helpers. Some of us are caring for sick relatives. Some of us have extra sets of hands in the form of grandparents who live nearby. Some of us have helpful husbands with a lot of flexibility in their work schedule. Some of us have husbands in Iraq right now. Some of us have uniquely high energy levels. Some of us are dealing with medical issues of our own.
Since we're not the Stepford Wives, the comparisons are fruitless.
I don't know if this fits in with this post, but I just want to THANK YOU so much for reminding me the joys of getting up early in the morning. It took me a few mornings to get used to it (plus a few nights to get used to winding down around 9 PM), but wow - the difference it makes! I have so much more time to spend with the Lord, plus I have time to exercise and prepare my house for the busy day ahead. I work full-time, but don't have children yet, and I am so happy that I have re-learned the importance of this.
Another added bonus - I don't feel sluggish throughout the day anymore! I even woke up at 5:30 AM a few days ago before my alarm clock ready to go read my Bible and pray. I love it!
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