Guest Post: Mother's Day: An opportunity to minister
Guest Post from my real-life friend and wonderful example, Jessica Fisher from Life As MOMBetween my first and second children, I miscarried three times in the course of eleven months. While it's true that I was already a mom, I desperately yearned to have more children. To become pregnant and to have it end abruptly was heartbreaking, over and over and over again.
Another sad but true fact about that time is that the very sight of pregnant women, friends or not, often had the power to prompt anger or resentment in me. I am sure I am not the only one who has felt that. There are probably women you know who struggle with that today. Perhaps you are one of them. I am thankful that God has worked that out, at least over that issue. Though it is a powerful reminder to me of the danger of envy.
There are all sorts of platitudes that we can share with a woman struggling with issues of infertility or miscarriage. Believe me, I heard a lot of them. I'm not sure that there is a universal "great-way-to-respond." But, as we approach Mother's Day, there may be a woman in your midst for whom Sunday will be very difficult.
Here are some thoughts about how to think about her situation:
Here are some thoughts about how to think about her situation:
- Ask if she wants to talk about it. I was really helped by the opportunity to share what happened to me. So if you're not squeamish, offer to listen.
- Take a surprise meal. There were days when my motivation was at an all-time low. Since I love to eat, food was a great comforter to me--as long as I didn't need to fix it. It's a great way to show someone you care, provided that it doesn't feel like a charity donation, but rather a joyful surprise.
- Invite her (and her husband and children) for a fun activity. Being stuck at home can leave us focused on our sadness of state. Distractions and looking outside ourselves can be really helpful.
- Pray for her. I'm sure there were more friends praying for me than I knew at the time. God has brought great healing since then--and five more children!
- Don't be embarassed that you have children or are pregnant when she is not. Children are a blessing! That said, try not to complain about how hard your life is. It may be really hard at times, but I would bet she'd give anything to have the trials you have. If she seems receptive, invite her to be a part of your day-to-day lives. This may be a little difficult to feel out. Everyone is different.
- Love her. Call her. Just talk to her. Be her friend.
--Jessica Fisher is a wife, mother, and home educator, making her home in Kansas City. She and Bryan have been married for fourteen years and are parents to the five FishKids: Nile, 10; Jordan, 7; Calvary, 5; Judah, 3; Cana,1. They are expecting their sixth child in late summer. While the Fisher mini-van is now bursting at the seams, this was not always the case. One of Jessica's passions is to enjoy this journey called motherhood and to help other moms do the same. Visit her at her new blog beginning Sunday, Life as MOM.Labels: Service and ministry
posted by Crystal Paine at 9:52 AM
20 Comments:
From the mother of one precious angel struggling with infertility: Thank you.
Thank you for posting this! I have struggled with infertility. I have been married 14 years and have three children. I think those that have large families often assume that those of us who don't have chosen for it to be that way. That is not always the case. I also think that many of us have been made to feel like we are less of a mother because we only have 3 or 1 or none, when others have 6,8, or 10. God gives us each different struggles and infertility is one. I have struggled with infertility for years. My three children are such a wonderful gift from God. I am so thankful for the three that I have and enjoy what God has given me not what he hasn't given me. To focus on what I have been given helps so much on dealing with this issue. I need to focus on being a wife and mother for the family God has given me. What Jessica said is so true. Prayer and support is the best thing you can do for a friend going through this.
I struggled with infertility for years before adopting our children. Mother's Day was truly the worst day of the year for me. This was a thoughtful and sensitive post - thank you!
Thank you for posting this. Mother's Day is the hardest day of the year for me. Your thoughfulness to address this issue means so much.
Thanks for this helpful post, it's a topic I haven't really had much dealing with but this is helpful if it were to come up in the future.
Mother's day is also the most difficult day of the year for me. Thank you for thinking about those of us who long for just one precious child.
Thank you for this. In our church, the absence of children in our home is conspicuous; due to various circumstances, it is unlikely (humanly speaking) that we will ever have our own children - adopted or otherwise. So, Mother's Day is so hard, and as a pastor's wife, I don't have the luxury of staying home that day. It's not that I don't want to be at church. But with all the women wishing each other happy Mother's Day, some say it automatically to me. What makes it worse is when they try to cover by insinuating that our cats or my husband (imagine!) count as "children." Or they assume that no children is by our choice, so I get comments like, "Oh, you don't care about this day at all, do you."
Anyway, not to hijack your comments, but it's such a comfort to know that there are some Christian women who understand that Mother's Day, as joyous a day as it is, is also a really difficult day for some of us.
Thank you so much for this caring post. :)
Blessings,
Michele
www.frugalgranola.blogspot.com
I agree. What a beautiful way to capture the duality of Mother's Day for so many women. I remember crying in church on Mother's Day during the years we were trying to conceive our first baby and feeling so alone and yes, sometimes even jealous, particulalrly of women who seemed to have children so easily, or worse, those that took their blessings for granted.
I would also add that Mother's Day can be so hard for women who have lost their mothers (through death or through painful relationships)and so many of Jessica's suggestions apply in that situation as well. My best friend is a "motherless doaughter" and my heart always hurts for her even as I remember my own mom.
Great post!
Thank you so much! Mother's Day has been very hard for me for years. We struggled with infertility for many years before adopting. Even now, it is hard for me to think of my children's first moms and what a hard choice they made and how much I want to give them a huge hug on this celebration of mothers.
Thanks so much for this post Crystal. It's awful to miss my three little angels everyday, but it is especially bad for Mother's Day. I know I don't get through it on my strength alone.
I've planned to limit the time spent celebrating with our mothers and spend most of the day away from the crowds. Last year, after just one miscarriage, was terrible. So I'm a bit afraid!
I look forward to the day when I've got at least one wonderful child here to celebrate with me.
Jennifer
I would also encourage sensitivity toward any birthmothers--this can be a very hard day for those who have lost children that way as well.
This was a very thoughtful post! I agree very much with Lynn above. There is much wisdom in enjoying the children you have and being careful not to make any other woman feel less of a "godly woman" for not having as many children. I have experienced this to some degree as well.
With every woman comes a story of her own fertility--sometimes a story of easy births and many blessings, but often a story of pain and difficulties. It is a subject that requires much love and grace...
Phebe (mom of 3 beautiful blessings)
We make our popcorn like this all the time - it is soooo much better. Typically I will use coconut oil - gives it a really great taste!
I can no longer have children, due to radiation-induced menopause. This is hard for me, as I am only 23. But God has blessed my husband and I with one truly fabulous little boy. Mother's Day was very bittersweet this year.
Thank you for this post. Though I'm exceedingly grateful for the daughter we've been given, the pain of "secondary infertility" is great. I always hoped to have 6-8 children and it does hurt when people assume we have just one because we don't want any more. And yes, I love my dear pregnant friends and those with multiple little ones, but the joy of being with them and their little babies is bittersweet. I'm forever seeking to rest in my Savior, but He gives grace to bear the hurt. . . not necessarily to remove the hurt.
thanks so much for being thoughtful in regards to Mother's Day! we have dealt w/ infertility the past 6 yrs. it meant so much to come out from church to our car where a beautiful planter of flowers w/ a thoughtful note from a dear girlfriend was waiting! not flowery words on the the note...just a wonderful simple note letting me know she's praying & remembering me! how perfect! :-)
~eunice
This post could not come at a better time for me. While we are blessed to have two precious little girls, I long for more children. This is such a wonderful reminder to me to delight in what we've been given, and not focus on what we don't have. Thank you!
What encouraging words of ministry! Sometimes we learn these things by having gone through them. I had 6 children w/o complication, then experienced 6 consecutive miscarriages over 3yrs. One of them even occurred Mother's Day weekend. I am now expecting again and have a new sensitivity for women going through such a difficult time.
OH my goodness! I so a appreciate this post! After 7 years of infertility, I was finally mom to our beautiful adopted son and now have a daughter as well. Mother's Day was so hard for me each year. To this day, I don't want to forget what it was like or all the women who are still where I was. I wrote about it on my blog as well last week.
Thank you and God bless!
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