Letting go of perfectionism
This was an excellent article (a big hat-tip to Ladies Against Feminism) and I'd encourage all you perfectionists, recovering perfectionists, or wanna-be perfectionists to go read it.Here's a snippet:
Under the best of circumstances, of course I would want to have my home in order with a homemade bread bowl filled with steaming dip made from artichokes I grew in my own organic garden. Who wouldn't? There is nothing wrong with trying my best and taking care of my home. However, when my idea of perfection becomes more important than people it has moved past its proper place in my list of priorities.This article speaks exactly about what I've been learning the past few months as a recovering perfectionist. I like having a clean, clutter-free and organized home and striving for order as opposed to chaos is a good thing. However, when it means that I am so stressed out about having everything as perfect as possible to the detriment of relationships, I have my priorities way out of order.
Believing I must be perfect before I reach out to others leads to misery of my own making. I've even shied away from friendships because other women seem to "have it all together" while I can’t remember to put on lipstick. It seems this sort of comparison is one of the most difficult things for women to overcome. I do it without realizing it, and in doing so, heap trouble on myself. When I compare my situation to others, I live by the extreme standards of the world and lose sight of what is most important--people. I can't take stuff with me when I leave this earth. Why then should I spend time worrying over things that are not eternal?
Read full article.
But I must admit that still struggle a great deal with this. I'm s-l-o-w-l-y learning, but I still have a long way to go. I'd love to hear from those of you who can relate to where I'm at--those who have also struggled with perfectionism and worrying about what other people think more than about how you can minister to other and glorify the Lord:
--What has helped you get over perfectionism so you can more-readily minister to others?
--What advice would you have for someone like me who struggles with perfectionism?
--How does one find a God-glorifying balance between having an orderly home and yet letting go of perfectionism?
Graphic from AllPosters.com
Labels: Homemaking
posted by Crystal Paine at 9:20 AM
34 Comments:
I still twinge when certain people who seem to have "the perfect looking home" come over to my home. With a small home housing 6 people it truly is impossible for it to be impeccable all the time.
When one of the grandmothers come over I really struggle to get everything perfectly in place. The funny thing is she keeps stressing to me to calm down and to remember that her home houses 2 adults, not 2 adults an 4 rambuncious boys.
Even knowing she doesn't expect my home to be perfect does not help keep me from running around like a chicken with a head cut off the moment I know she is on her way over.
But slowly I am getting better, age seems to help put this in order for us. Now that I have a 12 year old I know how quickly the toddler years go. I am more likely to delve into the messier projects and just get to cleaning them up when I can!
Having the daily cleaning schedule really helps. I simply clean those set rooms on those certain days. If the day is interuppted and the floor does not get scrubbed then it is pushed to the next cleaning day it is scheduled. I will sweep but not necessarily mop.
I just pray for wisdom in this matter and try remind myself of the question "Am I being a Mary or a Martha right now?"
Thanks for your honesty Crystal! And I too have struggled with this, but it seems that the Lord has helped me to overcome this in many ways.
One way that I try to put the value of people before perfectionism is scheduling times with my husband, girls and friends. I stick to these dates with them, regardless of how my house looks or what my to do list has on it.
A date night with my husband every other week. A game night with my girls weekly. And a monthly Mom Time where I invite friends over for games has been a good balance for me. Of coarse I try to spend time outside of these scheduled times with each of them, but these times are a given that I stick to.
And yes I still struggle with wanting things to be perfect at times, but with 4 little ones of my own and an in home day care I've had to learn that picking my home up is all I can do sometimes. And my friends and family don't seem to notice if all the laundry isn't put away or if there are dishes in the sink.
Praying that the Lord guides you to what works best for you in this area.
I stuggled with the same issues. I thought I had to sweep, mop, clean the toilets, etc. every day.... To my amazment, doing that all I had was the cleanest toilet in town. Everything had a place and everything in its place was my motto.
I made being kids, very hard for my two daughters (ie - take your shoes off at the door, don't brings those snails in the house, no - the baby bird needs to stay outside) Much like kitties they were bringing me gifts and just wanted me to be interested, but I was busy cleaning, straightening, putting everything in its place.
When I put a 'reasonable' schedule in place (and learned to let things slide), it made all the difference in the world. We had more dirt to sweep(at the appointed times); along with a snail now and then, but mom became 'mom' again.
Just learning to love life with my kids. I still have some difficulty with this, I am a work in progress, but slowly, God is forming me into the vessel He wants me to be.
I try not to stress over it - I know it is in His time and the word of God says that I am an Overcomer! I'm encouraged daily that I am exactly where I am suppose to be, home with my girls.
Thank you for the link Crystal! I really needed that today as I was in the midst of perfecting my home in case someone came to the door today :) Now I think I will just straighten it, perfect isn't always perfect anyway, right!
(((hugs)))
Kim
Crystal and others. I was having a rough patch here this weekend. Some people have put my job as a SAHM down persoanlly. They said that I should get a job and bring in a second income so we can have health insurance for my husband and I. The children do have insurance but my husband and I don't. We have a business and make about $500a week for income coming in. How in the world do I explain or not even explain but show people what the benifits of being a SAHM is besides the time with my children?
Also with talking about not being so perfect all the time. What does everyone think of what duties should be done with no exceptions while dh is working hard at his job?
Thanks for all your input on this.
Renee
I've said it before, but I really think that when we order our time around reaching out to neighbors and strangers, we will be less fussy about the details that are closer to home for ourselves.
I know that tutoring little ones in the local slums has cured me forever of worrying about a little dirt in my home.
The best help for me in my struggle with perfectionism is to look to the cross of my Savior Jesus Christ! That quickly reminds me that I am not perfect and indeed and can never be. I am a needy sinner! AND, because Jesus lived and died for me, I have His righteousness! There is no condemnation to me--even if my sink is filled and my laundry unfolded-- because I am in Him. I don't have my own goodness--just HIS! Apart from Him, i am nothing and can do nothing.
I can heartily clean and order my home with a thankful heart, rejoicing in my Savior! And I can strive to show love to my family each day--since i have been shown such great love.
Looking to the cross brings joy and humility--two things that greatly help to erase perfectionism!
Praise God for His glorious gospel!
Renee: I would just encourage you to focus on pleasing the Lord and pleasing your husband. There will always be other people out there who will put you down no matter what you do (sad, but true) so just keep on keeping on knowing that God sees and God knows and He is glorified in your obedience, even if others do not always understand.
I don't think we necessarily need to try and make everyone understand; we are just called to be faithful.
Secondly, since we are called to be a help meet to our *own* husbands, that will look a little different or a lot different in many circumstances because we all have different husbands and different families with different situations and different needs. Focus on seeking to be a true help to your own husband and find joy in that!
God bless you!
(I'm preaching to myself in what I said above, too, by the way! I'm learning right along with you!)
This reminded me of two lessons I have learned. About 7 years ago we became foster parents. When our social worker came over for our very first home study I had stayed up half the night trying to get the house sparkling clean. (I want it to look safe and healthy for the new little ones) When she got there and I had just finished the kitchen floor she asked if I had mopped just for her. Not knowing exactly how to respond I said, Well, it needed to be done anyway.
She then said,"Do you know what I think of homes that are spotless?" I said NO. She said, "I won't place a kid there. I know that the house means more than the children do. Don't ever clean for ME again." I've never forgotten that lesson. My children should ALWAYS come before my house. Yes I want it clean, and especially healthy, but if one of my kids needs attention, the dishes can wait!
Second, I heard a lesson in church once where the lady teaching (who I thought was PERFECT, by the way) said that we are so unwise to compare ourselves to others. None of us are PERFECT, we all have issues that we are dealing with and need the LORD to help us over come. When we judges ourselves against someone we think is great, we could be far off the mark.
"We are comparing our INSIDES to their OUTSIDES" and that's not a fair comparison. We have no idea what torments and struggles they could be dealing with in their hearts and they probably think that WE are doing much better than they are.
I'm a seminary student's wife, and at one of our recent meetings for those who are prospective pastor's wives, it was encouraged to let go of having a perfect house. The reason was thus: those who come to your home and see it perfect will put the same expectation on themselves in order to have you over to their house. Otherwise, they "fall short" and may feel inadequate. Those who visit a perfect home are more likely to feel uncomfortable while being there and wonder if the house is lived in at all and what this hostess would expect in coming to their own house. I like having the house tidy but lived in, and hopefully that gives a level of comfort to those to whom we show hospitality.
I think often the issue is not so much that our standards are too high, it is that they aren't high enough. The standard is perfection and we can't possibly attain it. This can lead to humble appreciation for the cross, our Savior who did everything perfectly, and grace that was bought for us at so high a price. I think when we find ourselves striving to be "perfect" we can subtly be lowering the standard to an attainable righteousness - albeit a hard one to attain. This leads to either pride and self righteousness in our success, or it leads to guilt and condemnation in our failure. It's such sweet relief to take my eyes from my performance, good or bad, and fix them on Jesus' perfect obedience to the Father. It brings fresh joy to serve my Savior.
Thanks for posting this! I struggle with beating myself up when my house is messy (or when I'm in my robe with uncombed hair) and someone stops by. I punish myself by immediately cleaning everything once they leave and going on a spurt of trying to always have things "company ready." However, in a very small space, with no dishwasher, and 2 little constant-mess-makers, I've realized that having a perfect or even a really clean home just isn't realistic.
The best things that have helped me:
*My home management binder. I've been on a chore schedule for over a year now and I love having my daily list to keep me on track with housework. It may not all get done every day, but most of it gets done and thus the house is thoroughly cleaned in little manageable daily chunks. People may see some paper clutter, piles on the table or a sinkful of dirty dishes, but that just means we actually eat and live here! If things look generally clean and the floors looked vacuumed and swept, then I feel like my house may have "stuff clutter" (aka toys and shoes and books scattered about) but it isn't a "dirty" home(rotten food, dust, food all over the floor, mud or garbage on the floors, stinky garbages, etc.)
*Routine (trying to straighten up things for a few minutes at night before bed, thus if someone stops by in the early morning it doesn't look too terrible). Making sure I'm dressed before breakfast. This is hard when I'm pregnant due to wanting to sleep in until the last possible minute and hunger, but taking a quick shower while my husband feeds the kids breakfast or getting dressed first thing out of bed really helps me feel more together. Even if my house looks like a disastrous area when someone comes by, at least I will look presentable and not have to hide and pretend I'm not home because I'm undressed.
*Containerizing. The more I containerize, the more likely things will stay in their rightful place since they have a place to go to. Having sewing and craft tubs and a special drawer set up for kids' educational things really helps with keeping clutter down.
*Looking at my friends. When I see my friends with perfect homes, I know that it is because they A)have dishwashers and B)have more space for storage and clutter and C)have no life! I spend a lot of time with neighbors, building friendships, cooking from scratch, doing activities with my kids and thus, my house cannot be perfect. I try to remember that I do a lot of crafts and juggle a lot more than those friends with perfect homes. Also, I have a friend who doesn't have a perfect home and it is WONDERFUL to go to her house. She tries to keep it picked up but there are always dog and kid smears all over and fingerprints on the walls and yet it is SO RELAXING to be at her house because I don't feel like my kids are going to wreck it and she is so laid back about letting them eat all over, play all over, and doesn't yell at them for tracking mud or sand in. She is such a non-comparison-type friend and is so nice to be around. I honestly feel like if my house is dirty and she stops by unexpectedly that it's no big deal because I have nothing to prove to her. She is the only person I feel this comfortable with and I really appreciate it about her and want others to feel that way about me. I want to strive for a neat and orderly home but more than that I want them to know that it's the PERSON I care about above my own house and my own pride. Our pastor asked yesterday in church, "Are you self-serving or others serving? Even in your ministries are you seeking recognition or are you really looking to serve others?" It really jolted me as I realize that so often the things I'm doing all day long are for ME. Even keeping my kids clean and taught and keeping the house clean is sometimes so that I will look good as a wife and mom and is for my own pride.
Another quote from my pastor, "A simple life has more space for the needs of others. Are you investing as much in Christ's kingdom as in your own kingdom?"
My hubby and I have come a long way in this perfectionism area due to the fatigue of having little ones. He used to freak out about our house being absolutely spotless before his parents came to supper and would spend a few hours scouring every square inch of our bathroom and making sure nothing in the house was out of place. My mother-in-law is immaculate too so when they come to visit it is always a major, stressful, cleaning ordeal for me because if my house isn't spotless, she'll immediately jump right in and start cleaning it. However, we are much more laid back now that we have kids because it's just not worth it and we just can't do it all! My hubby would rather my kids be well-taken care of than for us to have a perfect home! I would rather serve delicious meals and have time to rest each day than to have a perfectly spotless house.
My name is Cindy and I am a perfectionist! I thought it was the best way to be...perfect is best, right? But God had other plans for me.
Getting married and giving birth later in life allowed me to get set in my ways too long, but having children has been the biggest thing that God has used to help me recover from being a perfectionist.
But having just one child wasn't enough to teach me, so God gave us a special needs daughter to show me that His perfect is not my perfect. There is nothing more humbling, nor anything that requires you to stop being perfect more than caring for a special needs child.
From my experience in this, I've learned that God teaches each of us in His own way, and the way that we learn best.
My perfect is not God's perfect.
Wow, I needed to hear this. I have been struggling with this same thing lately. I have recently given birth to our 6th child and moved into a new (unfinished) house. I am driving myself crazy to organize and keep this new house clean to my standard and stressing to the point of getting sick. I want to keep up this house, but I also know that I am driving my family nuts. Yet, I can't live in a mess and feel that they need to learn order and cleanliness. It was good hearing all the responses. I do want to learn to put people before and ordered home and yet I do want to take good care of our home. I hope I can figure out the middle ground in all of this.
In regards to Renee's message (and others for that matter):
I did a Bible study with a group of women in the [not so] distant past, going through a book called "Created to be His Help Meet" by Debbie Pearl. This was an eye-opening look at what my role is as a wife and mother.
But as Crystal pointed out, and I will only reenforce; each of our husbands are unique and therefore, what works to be one man's perfect 'Help Meet' will not be the same for another.
Pray for the Lord to give you clarity into what your family needs of you.
Thanks Crystal for the great post.
Crystal,
I really am happy with your kind encouragement. I sometimes take what people say to heart, with everything else.
After reading the two books: His Needs, Her Needs, and the 5 Love Languages I see that each husband is different. I will focus on the Lord, and also my dh, and children.
I will find strength through them. And women like you create a very welcoming place to come and share our thoughts without being judged.We had christian mentors that were middle aged that helped us before we were married. It was amazing how wonderful we felt walking out of their home. Their home was modest, and very had nice little touches like a candle lit, nice comfy pillows, and just open arms to us.
My home is not perfect, but I do take pride in every action during the course of the day to make it nice for my family. I have many times had people over that I know have an almost perfect home. But my home shows off my family and what we like.
Thank You!
Renee
SAHM of four
Crystal, this post is exactly where I’m at right now. I find that I feel so jittery most of the time and have a hard time relaxing, because I always feel like there’s something else to be done, whether it’s the laundry or the dishes or the baseboards need to be dusted or whatever. From looking at my home, you would never know this, as it’s far from perfect!
One thing that has helped me is really trying to rest on the Sabbath. That is my one 24 hours a week that I CANNOT allow myself to worry about anything – including my home! It’s very interesting how although throughout the week I cannot seem to give myself a moment’s peace, on the Sabbath my spirit is so calm. From the moment the Sabbath begins by my husband and I praying together to the end of the Sabbath when we again pray for the coming week, I am at rest. Now I need to learn to take that peace with me through the rest of the week!
Thanks again for being transparent with your readers, and encouraging that even “Super Moms and Wives” deal with these kinds of issues. Shalom!
A lot of people have said really good things. I second what Alicia said in that I can see how my perfectionism drives people away, especially in Alaska where everyone stays very relaxed. "Southern hospitality" seems WAY over the top here!
Thank you for being so transparent. I struggle with perfectionism in so many parts of my life! I give up on things because I cannot do them perfectly--even sometimes giving up on time with God or a close relationship with Him because I am not "perfect." Perfectionism is a tool of Satan to destroy my marriage, ministry, relationship with God, and peace with myself. I may have to fight it for the rest of my life (feeling proud of the small measures of perfectionism I do master is addictive), but God has me awake and aware of it and I am fighting its hold on my life. Thank you (and the others who have commented) for being a good example in letting go of control and letting God lead.
-Andrea
This is an area I am all too familiar with! I read something recently that really struck a cord with me so I have to share...
Striving for perfection is motivated by "fear of rejection".
"Fear of rejection from others has its roots in self-rejection.
Self-acceptance (believing that God created me with all of my unchangeable characteristics in the way that brings HIM the most glory) plays an important role in overcoming the fear of rejection."
One of the most effective ways I know to ward off the fear of rejection (STRIVING FOR PERFECTION)is to take the offensive and become a channel of God's love and acceptance to others. (See Acts 20:35)" -quotes from Daily Success, a ministry of the Institute of Basic Life Principles
Along those lines, in regards to keeping your home spotless for company...
There's entertaining and then there's hospitality. Entertaining is all about "me", look at what a great host I am, look how clean I keep my home, etc. Hospitality is all about your guests - wanting them to feel good and accepted when they leave (vs. feeling inferior to your level of performance.)
I also recently read "The Secret of the Lord" by Dannah Gresh. It talks about the need for the church to take of its masks of perfection and really become the church as God intended it to be. I think she hit the nail on the head!
Chris
I think that houses should be tidy, neat and not dirty, but not over the top. I know some people's houses where you cannot relax, it is usually there is no papers anywhere, no toys in sight, it is model home clean. I have known people who grew up like that, it is not a happy childhood. My in-laws and some of my husband's family are like this. It is very hard to visit at their houses, they are very clean, but not happy.
I have had to realize that perfection can be having a bit of clutter, especially if that clutter is pictures of your children, drawings on the fridge, books we are reading etc.
Funny this is your topic today! Over the weekend I've struggled with being so... tired. Why?
Because of all the 'stuff' I worry about doing.
I changed my normal house keeping Monday posting today, because, best put, I'm tired. I have to realize sometimes that I can't do it all.
I have to re-prioritize what REALLY matters - 'what will matter in the future' - in the spiritual view.
I guess the Lord knew I needed a little confirmation in what He's been telling me. I couldn't believe you posted so similiar to what He's burdened me with.
I don't have to 'do' all the things everyone else does. I need to do what He's called 'me' to do - and for my main focus needs to be walking close to Him.
Thanks to you and LAF!
Candace
Heaven In Our Homes
Interesting blog. It gets us to wonder about Monday Haven blogs. What helps me is I have a flexible schedule. Thursday is my cleaning day & each room is every other week. Ex. this week it will be the kitchen/dinning/laundry rooms areas. Toys were always kept in certain areas of the house & I think the big one is just not a lot of stuff. If it is broken, out grown or no longer used out the door it goes.
If the dishes are clean in the sink I don't sweat over it. Just when they are dirty.
Teaching the kids early is a plus.
I keep in mind that God is an orderly God. He likes things clean too. But he also says something about treasures. I'm not sure on the exact words b/c I'm not perfect but isn't there something about owning things and worrying about someone stealing them?
I'm not sure if this any help but I just keep it simple. I get what I like if it fits and the function.
Crystal,
Ahhh...you've hit on one of the topics I want to post on soon. This has been a struggle of mine for years, and I, like you crave order in everyday life.
I have found that the key to keeping it all in perspective is to ask myself one question: Have I served Christ or myself today? Only we know the answer for ourselves, and even different moms under the same circumstances will have different answers. What seems doable to me with my two boys will seem different when the Lord chooses to bless us with another baby. In the meantime, I hold fast to the promise that He will renew my strength, but I am also careful that it is not my obsessiveness that is depleting my strength! :o)
Great topic!
My "ah-ha" moment came one day when a friend dropped by and my house was a mess--comfortably clean, but still a mess. I realized that she was there to see me and not my house. If she thought it was too messy to be in, she never let on!
Now I try to keep things picked up, but not sterile. The kitchen floor often looks like there's been a war, folded laundry needs to be put away (but, hey...at least it's clean and folded!), and toys are strewn all over the living room or the girls bedroom.
You know what???? We LIVE here. It's comfortable. It's real. People feel relaxed here. It's not like people haven't seen a dusty end table or a few dishes in the sink. I think people enjoy our home and we enjoy entertaining because we don't apologize for the fingerprints on the appliances, or act as if we've gone through a lot to prepare. I want people to feel as if they can drop in at any time and feel welcomed, comfortable, and relaxed.
Did all of that make sense?
Blessings--
Dana
I REALLY like what Chris said and I totally agree! :)
Hugs to you my friend -- you're awesome --- dirty kitchen, unorganized closet..or not! :)
I am a perfectionist. I need to be recovering. It's a daily battle-in every single area of my life and I don't homeschool or bake my own bread! One thing that helps me is to remember that "God expects progress not perfection." And God is the ONLY one who matters! Some days I am better at that than others but thankfully, God's mercies are new every morning!
I recently read the children's book, 100 Dresses, and the example of the 1 clean dress and the clean small little house stood out to me. It was just one dress, yet, she kept it clean. The house appears to be a mere room with a closet, yet it is kept clean. Aside from the reminder to be tidy with what you have, it reminded me that having less stuff makes it easier to be tidy with what you do have. I remind myself of this as I go to put things away that we don't have room for, and as it is easier when we have less stuff to clean up.
Hi Crystal,
I am a perfectionist also, and have had to learn to let go of a lot things. It is a constant work in progress!
What has helped you get over perfectionism so you can more-readily minister to others?
By giving it over to Him. That is the only way I could learn to relax enough and stop thinking of what I needed to perfect and let God do the perfecting! It has been an ongoing gradual process, but I am gaining ground by His grace!
What advice would you have for someone like me who struggles with perfectionism?
I had to learn that perfectionism is rooted in two things: pride and fear of man. Meditating on Scriptures that pertain to these two things and confessing it to Christ have been a big help. I also learned that trying to be perfect was trying to become better than God, which humbled me pretty quickly!
How does one find a God-glorifying balance between having an orderly home and yet letting go of perfectionism?
An orderly home does not mean a perfect home! By putting in place reasonable routines and schedules, order and cleanliness can be maintained without resorting to a perfectionism. When I begin to feel anxious over the condition of my home, I stop, pray and regain my focus. Usually I see that I have been focusing on things that mean nothing for eternity. My husband doesn't care if our home is immaculate but he does care if our children have been loved and played with and discipled because that is why I am home. On that note, I have asked my husband to help me overcome in this area. He reminds me when I am taking something too far and keeps me in check! Many times he will help me refocus my perspective.
Through lots of prayer and surrendering in this area I have learned to relax. That is not to say I don't have times that I regress, but I have certainly come a long way! I love what one reader wrote: Am I being a Mary or a Martha right now? That is a great question to ask ourselves!
I think there is a world of difference between being inspired by other people's homes, dress sense etc and beating yourself up because you feel inferior. Partly it's having the ability to control the way the thought unfolds in your head. For example:
"My friend's children are so well behaved. Maybe I can get some tips from her about dealing with tantrums."
or
"My friend's children are so well behaved. I must be a rubbish mother because my child has tantrums."
An orderly home is not an end in itself, it is merely a possible route to harmony. Surely better to have a disorderly home full of love than an orderly home with no charity?
I wrote a post about this a week or so ago at http://southernseven.blogspot.com/2008/04/entertaining.html. I used to try to keep my home perfect and had everything all lined up and color coordinated in the cabinets. I spent time each day making sure it was all vacuumed and wiped and everything put up. As I kept adding kids and started having them help I learned that to teach them how to maintain a home by letting them do things- below my expectations- was more valuable than me doing it all perfect. My house is neat, and I still will line things up, but it just doesn't last long. I have evaluated it and it is more important to enjoy our home, for it to be a place of learning, than for it to be perfect. My MIL said she dusted every day and her house is spotless. She really moves the furniture every time she vacuums. I created expectations comparing myself to her early on and felt that I did not measure up. I worried that my husband was not satisfied with me not being able to keep a home like her. She kept three of my kids for a week and she said she was constantly picking up and felt like she never left the kitchen between meals and snacks. It really opened my eyes to the fact that this is my season and I am doing a good job, that even Mrs. Supergranny struggled. She was the best in my eyes, so now I can relax and just yell occasionally about the mess:)
Ya' know, I was just thinking of something else that has really helped me -- reading the Voice of the Martyrs and when I went to Cuba a couple years ago. People in other countries 'get it'. They 'do life' together, without all the 'stuff' we have. And, I worry about whether or not my house is 'perfect' enough for someone to stop by? How silly when believers in other nations are literally fighting for their lives just for being christians. It helps me to keep those type of things in front of me so as to keep perspective of living for eternity, not for this present world. :)
It's always amazing to me how timely your posts seem to be. I just spent all day cleaning my house as my two oldest (of six) were having friends over, their mom isn't even coming :o)
That said, I have come really far in my perfectionism tendencies, I actually have overcome (by the grace of God) some strong OCD tendencies.
First of all, one of the things that helped me the most, is having a large, growing family. Having six children in eight years forced me to let go of a lot. For example, When I only had three little ones, when we would clean up their toy kitchen, all the forks went in one little cup, all the spoons, etc...you get the picture. Everything had to be stacked perfectly, facing the same direction, etc. I still tend very strongly toward this, but the Lord has really helped me. My greatest struggle now is probably not putting undue stress on my children by having unrealistic expectations of their cleaning abilities. We are training them intentionally to be able to be responsible for certain areas, and I need to remember to en-courage them, not dis-courage them!
Another thing was the realization of what a relief it was when I would go to a friend's house and everything was not perfect. It finally clicked with me that I wasn't doing anyone any favors by having my house "perfect" when having friends over. It would only serve to discourage them, not to mention it was somewhat deceitful, gave me a false sense of pride, and only would cause them to feel like "I" could do it all, but they couldn't.
The main thing that helped was the Lord basically showing me that I was in a place where a lot of my peers really look to me as I have quite a few more children than most of them :o) and I needed to be real and be approachable, not set an unattainable standard that would only serve to frustrate. If I want to glorify the Father in showing that a large family, homeschooling, etc. is a blessing, I needed to be honest.
Are we then slobs, no. Is it hard and do I struggle? You bet. I love having my house in order, but as my family grows, my family and my relationships often need to take precedence over "my" agenda, whether that be reading, blogging, cleaning, etc. Just being aware of that has helped a lot.
My husband is a pastor, and we have our mid-week Bible study service in our home. I had to let go of the perfect house, or I'd have been a nervous wreck every Thursday! I've never, ever been a great housekeeper, but I sure wanted everyone to think I was. Now, I have learned some basic ways to keep my home cleaned up (routine, get rid of clutter, etc) that help me to just do my best then open my door to the people God has given us to minister to. Incidentally, people have always said our home is very comfortable to be in - whether it's been perfect or not - and they feel like they can stretch out on the furniture and enjoy their visit with us. That is the highest compliment I can ever imagine!
I'm a new wife, and approached running my first home with unreasonable expectations, which sometimes caused me to be frustrated. What has really helped me is focusing on my husband's needs and what's important to HIM. Even if my home isn't spotless, as long as my husband feels he is happy and taken care of, I can survive! ;-)
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