Guest Post: Keeping Your Sanity
Guest Post from Laura at HeavenlyHomemakers.comI just received an email from a close friend of mine who has three little ones, ages six, three and one. All the kids had been sick for about a week. Here's part of what she wrote:
So, tell me something… do you get regular time to yourself? Like once or twice a week do you get an hour or two with no responsibility? Or even once or twice a month? If you don't, how do you manage to stay sane?
I replied with this:
Please tell me, because I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle with sanity right now. I feel like I must be super weak, because I just can't cope like I should. It's taking everything I have to not yell and scream and throw things. (It's not always this bad, I know… it's just B.A.D. right now). Please tell me what I'm doing wrong?!
You need to remember that you are not alone. Many other moms out there feel this way and I think that it feels worse when you think, "All the other moms must be handling this better than I am so what's wrong with me?"
But every mom feels this way at one time or other. None of us handle everything smoothly and calmly all of the time.
If you're home all day working hard with your kids, it's tough. And then you feel guilty for thinking it's tough because they're your kids and you shouldn't feel this way about them. The guilt is enough to make you feel insane as it is.
So you're normal. Normal. Normal. And you're also very normal, too.
Mothering is always harder when all the kids are sick and whiny. It's hard to listen to whining all day. Just relax and hold them and let everything else go by the wayside for now. They just need you to hold them for now, that's it.
As far as getting alone time, I don't usually get much. That's okay with me although getting out on my own here and there is refreshing! I just try not to focus on thinking that "getting out" will solve all of my frustration. Otherwise "getting out" is all I'd ever want to do!
I promise that it does get easier but all of your kids are itty-bitties right now and at the same time! I mean, I do still feel all of this stuff sometimes, but not nearly as often as I did when my kids were all little like yours are. Yes, that's when I did feel like I could go insane. Now that the boys are able to do more for themselves (and more for me), it's a little easier. It will not be this hard for you forever.
Just a few suggestions off the top of my head:
*Focus on eating well. Get yourself a bunch of delicious fruits and veggies and focus on eating it. You will physically feel better, you really will. And you will feel better emotionally because you'll know you're taking good care of yourself. And it is all so yummy.
*Pile up in the stroller with everyone and just go around the block a couple of times. The kids will love the outing and the fresh air will be good for them! (And I'm guessing they won't whine during the ride!) Plus, you'll be getting that fresh air, you'll be out of the house, and you'll have a nice walk.
*Last, check into getting the book, Passionate Housewives Desperate for God. I've heard great things about it and it sounds like it may help empower you with what you need right now as a wife and mom.
-Laura Coppinger has been married to Matt for 13 years and is mom of four boys ages 3-10. Visit her blog for more encouragement and practical homemaking ideas.
I'd love to hear from other older moms out there: If you received the email Laura received, how would you respond? What encouragement do you have for young moms who are feeling especially beaten down and worn out?
Graphic from AllPosters.com
Labels: Mothering
posted by Crystal Paine at 11:30 AM
12 Comments:
I second the recommendation for Passionate Housewives --great encouragement. I only have three, but what helps this introverted momma who used to believe my survival depended on near-constant solitude and quiet is remembering that God's given me a task bigger than I am so that He is sure to get the glory for whatever good He does through me. If he gave me the task, he will also provide the power and the ability to do it when I get out of the way and let Him do the work and just obey. If your "to-do" list is coming from you and not from Him, you're just going to wind up exhausted and frustrated. He who began a good work in you will be faithful to complete it IN HIM.
As always, look to the Cross! Remember that you have no condemnation in Christ. Each day God sees you as righteous in Christ! When your chores are unfinished, dinner is uncooked, and you are still unshowered, God is not angry or displeased with you. You have peace with Him through Christ! He has already been satisfied by Jesus' work on the cross--He doesn't need any of your works to make things right with you and Him. Don't presume upon His grace with your own set of laws and rules and your own standard of personal perfection (a great way to go insane fast!). Cling to Christ and accomplish things only through Him, with Him, and for Him. God has not given us the spirit of fear, but of love, power, and a SOUND MIND. :) Love to you all, dear mommies in the Lord.
Cassy
As the mother of twin boys almost 3, I don't fit into the "older mom" category, but I can definitely relate to those feelings of being overwhelmed! Some days are better than others for all of us.
I have found it helps me feel better if we're all having fun together, if I'm not constantly working to get them to cooperate. So this weekend we played Bob the Builder as we were cleaning up the boys' play spaces. "Lofty" and "Scoop" had to deliver things for "Wendy" and "Bob". We all had fun and got the job done.
Alone time is wonderful and needed, but sometimes one on one time is also refreshing. And it may be easier to make arrangements for only some of your children rather than all of them. My boys tend to be more cooperative one-on-one with my husband and me, than when they are together. Again, leaves me feeling much less stressed, even just for a trip to the grocery store.
My final thought is that moms need to be more supportive of each other. It always helps me feel better when someone reaches out with understanding and kindness during my harried moments.
The worst time to evaluate life, or any life situation, or our effectiveness as wives & mothers is after dealing with sick children.
If I had received the above email, I would instruct the young mom to remember that she's in a season. The sickness will not last forever (talking here about common childhood illnesses). The kids will recover, and so will she.
When we're in the midst of a difficult season of life, it's common to think life will always be that way. But time changes things. We agonize over how we spend our time, which in turn can cause us to not enjoy those things which are right in front of us. We compare ourselves to our friends or other moms, and come to the conclusion that we're not very good at this whole mothering thing.
What I have found very effective for myself is that when I find myself in this kind of situation, I pray and ask the Lord to help me be a woman who speaks with gentleness and kindness, who loves sacrificially (ie getting up for the umpteenth time with sick kids), and who focuses more on ministering to the souls of my family than freaking out about how far "behind" all the sickness or whatever situation has made me. This, ultimately for me, was a self control issue. Bringing those thoughts under the Lordship of Jesus is no easy task, but it's not impossible. We can always choose what we dwell upon... ourselves or things that are pure, lovely, of good report, etc.
When I realized that my thought life, especially with regard to feeling overwhelmed as a mother, was a self control issue, I had quite an epiphany. God is gracious!
When I focus on serving the Lord by serving my family, He always seems to make a way for me to do this. He helps me to see that life is as a vapor. I can see this with how quickly my children have grown up (my oldest child is now 18... the others are 16, 13, 11 & 8).
"Me time" can be a cruel taskmaster if not put in proper context. My "me time" is every night, after the kids are in bed. I snuggle with my guy, watch a little tv, and talk about our day. It is simple, it is in-house... cheap (free!) and fills up my honey's heart, too.
I'm having a hard time because I don't enjoy playing with my son. it stresses me out! I don't like playing kid games, it not bores me, but annoys me. I just can't stand it. He always wants me to play with him, but I can't stand it. I have a hard time explaining that I'm an adult I don't want to play hide and seek or some other game. And he makes up games but the rules don't make any sense. This is very hard for me. I love him so much but being a mother is hard for me.
I have two kids. My youngest for 12 months of his life wore me out and this is when my time became rountine. My one requirement for me is a bath at least once a week depending on the week. When the hubby gets home he takes the kids after dinner and I retreat upstairs with door locked. It really helps me get through the week. I read a book of inspiration. One I have gotten through and loved was "Just give me a little peace of quiet" we got from our MOPS group one year. I have been through others that are just as good. Lighting candles also help. Some days, it reminds of the saying from the commercial "Calgon take me away!"
I thank my mom because I think back to her many baths (now I know possibly why :)). I have to share with friends who are stressed, that it is ok to do this. I feel it makes me a better mom and wife to replenish my self. After kids are in bed it is curl up and chill with my hubby!
Well, I'm still feeling weird saying I'm an 'older' Mom, but since I am in my mid-thirties and have one teenager and another about to turn 11, I guess I might classify. :) But, one thing I want to say is that I don't think we need to feel guilty for wanting 'alone' time. Honestly, I'm a better wife and mom when I have some alone time. I like what Crystal said about not expecting it, or whatever, but rather being thankful when you do get time alone. But, I just want to say that we don't need to beat ourselves up for wanting time alone or away from our children for brief periods of time. It's NORMAL, not bad or wrong. Honestly, when I have brief periods 'away', it helps me recharge and be a much happier, more productive mom. Here's what's helped me over the years -- I'm just going to share practical suggestions -- a)If you can, seek out your husband's help with this. Work to give each other moments 'alone'. My dh likes time alone to study the Bible and such, or to take a long nap. So, on the weekend, he gets one afternoon alone to himself, usually. For me, I like to go workout at the gym, meet with a friend for coffee, or just go get groceries alone. So, he makes a way for me to do that. Not every week do we get this, but we try to give each other about 2 hrs. a week to just 'get away'. Nothing major, and it doesn't always work and we just deal with life then. :) b)Also, when my children were younger a friend shared with me about 'blanket time' which became 'playpen/crib time' and then 'room time'. It started with 5 minutes of teaching the child to stay on the blanket and giving them toys, and slowly over time we built up to 1 hr. in their room for roomtime. They could play, read books, etc., but they were in their rooms, playing alone. This is so helpful especially after they outgrow naps. This became my 'alone' time. I might call a friend, do some scrapbooking, take a nap, read a book -- something 'alone'. I think this is great for the children to learn to entertain themselves a bit, and for you to have a bit of time to 'recharge' so you can joyfully continue to serve your family.
Hope that helps! :)
When our children were real small I lived in a town where I knew very few other moms and the ones I knew lived 30-50 minutes away. My in-laws were 3 hrs away and my folks were 18 hrs away, so rarely any help from family unless my ma-in-law was visiting (which wasn't often). No babysitters ...no family...few friends - the one thing that helped with my sanity was putting the kids to bed early!
Bedtime was between 6:30 and 7:00 PM - and as they learned to go to sleep early on without any "props" (ie. rocking or nursing to sleep) - they slept well through the night (not always - but for a good part of the time).
With an early bedtime it gave my dh and I time alone together or time for me to go out and do whatever while he stayed home and kept an eye on the children with a minimum amount of work for him.
The kids are now almost 9 and 6. They still have an early bedtime (between 7 and 8 generally)...and we all get up around the same time in the morning.
It's always hardest when the kids are young and sick...not only do the children not sleep well - but neither does mom. Being calm and level-headed on few hours of fitful sleep isn't easy... but eventually this hard time will pass too.
God gave me a great encouragement in this area this morning from Psalm 77. I wrote more about it on my blog, but in a nutshell, the psalmist expresses freely his frustration and desperation, questioning God's involvement in his life. Instead of wallowing in self pity he stopped and remembered God's working through history and found strength in who God is instead of how the current events played out.
I didn't think there was much to add to others' comments, but read this and wanted to share. Hope it is an encouragement to some as it was to me.
At the risk of sounding selfish, I *need* alone time. Now, that's not saying I need a planned girls/me night out every week, but I definitely notice if I don't get at least an hour of kidless time every few weeks, I start getting pretty depressed and overwhelmed, my shoulders and back hurt and I usually can't figure out why I feel so down and my fuse is so terribly short. Just going grocery shopping by myself after the kids are in bed does wonders for my outlook and attitude [I enjoy shopping, though.] To just be able to relax and not be responsible for the kids for a bit is so refreshing and revitalizing for me. Every woman is different as far as needs go. When I only had one or two kids, I never felt like I needed alone time, and sadly, I looked down on woman who did. Now that I have four, I see how positively it impacts my life and my *whole* family's life. It's not healthy to constantly dwell on the next, and the next, like Laura said, but do make an effort to get out when it works for your family.
For me it has become so much more natural as our family grows. I hesitate to say easier, but it feels that way. Having four kids is way less overwhelming than one and two were. The house is never too tidy, especially when we are all feeling more high needs [like sickness or over-busy,] but you'll find a lot of love and joy here, and that will cover a multitude of ills!
One of the best things I have done is build a support system with friends in my church ward. We have a play group where we can all get together and let the kids play. Right now with the good weather we go to a park. The kids can play and moms get a chance to talk. Being around other people who face the same thing as you can definitely help. I always leave feeling uplifted. Alone time doesn't mean you actually have to be away from your children just having them focused on playing with their friends a couple hours a week can help.
Invariably, whenever I find myself absolutely worn out, frustrated, and wanting to get away, I look back and realize that it's been 2-3 months or more since I had a date night with my hubby or a fun day for me without the kids along. It always surprises me that it's been so long. In addition I must question myself about my sleep times and health.
I especially like what Cassy (anon.) had to say about no condemnation. Sometimes I use Rom. 8:1 as a meditation; ...there no condemnation....
Mx5's remarks also resonates with me.
Thanks ladies!
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