The myth of "having it all together"
I always find it rather amusing when someone will write me about how I have it "all together".
Apparently you missed my living room this morning (I can't believe I'm posting this picture, but for the sake of keeping it real, here you go.):
My heart's desire is to glorify the Lord as a wife, mom, and homemaker. I want to bless my husband, wisely raise my children, and be a skilled homemaker. And I want to do all of those things well.
However, I'm learning that I can't do it all well all of the time. None of us can, in fact. We all have struggles and difficult days. We all have days when we wish we could throw in the towel--if we could only find a clean one!
I was so blessed to get to visit with a wise mother of many recently. She encouraged me so much by sharing how their life has changed as their children have gotten older and how much easier it is for her to do so many things that she never could have done when she only had young children.
One thing which especially stuck with me was her comment, "If a mom in your season of life looks like she has it all together all the time, something is suffering drastically somewhere."
Do you know what a blessing these words were to hear? I've struggled with many feelings of inadequacy since having my second child because I just can't do it all; I've had to cut back in so many areas, and let so many other things go.
And I've struggled with guilt over this, thinking thoughts like: If I only tried harder, got up earlier, was more organized... then maybe I could "get my act together".
While I should certainly strive for organization and definitely am not condoning laziness, I'm slowly learning in this season of my life there's no way our home can always look immaculate all the time. I might as well just cheerfully accept this fact, otherwise, I'll constantly be frustrated over the spilled juice, tracked-in mud, and stained laundry.
What matters more in Eternity? That my home and life looked perfect and all my ducks were in a row, or that I overlooked some of the cookie crumbs, marks on the wall, and dirty dishes in order to love on my children, bless my husband, and have a vibrant relationship with the Lord?
So, do I have it all together? Not by a long stretch. But I'm learning it's much better to let go of perfectionism and start resting in the perfect peace Christ can give me--even when my house looks like a stuff bomb exploded!
I'd love to hear from the rest of you: How do you overcome feelings of perfectionism and inadequacies? What advice would you "older moms" have for us young moms in this area?
Related: After I wrote this post, I found my friend FishMama had written something in a similar vein today here. Good stuff.
Apparently you missed my living room this morning (I can't believe I'm posting this picture, but for the sake of keeping it real, here you go.):
My heart's desire is to glorify the Lord as a wife, mom, and homemaker. I want to bless my husband, wisely raise my children, and be a skilled homemaker. And I want to do all of those things well.However, I'm learning that I can't do it all well all of the time. None of us can, in fact. We all have struggles and difficult days. We all have days when we wish we could throw in the towel--if we could only find a clean one!
I was so blessed to get to visit with a wise mother of many recently. She encouraged me so much by sharing how their life has changed as their children have gotten older and how much easier it is for her to do so many things that she never could have done when she only had young children.
One thing which especially stuck with me was her comment, "If a mom in your season of life looks like she has it all together all the time, something is suffering drastically somewhere."
Do you know what a blessing these words were to hear? I've struggled with many feelings of inadequacy since having my second child because I just can't do it all; I've had to cut back in so many areas, and let so many other things go.
And I've struggled with guilt over this, thinking thoughts like: If I only tried harder, got up earlier, was more organized... then maybe I could "get my act together".
While I should certainly strive for organization and definitely am not condoning laziness, I'm slowly learning in this season of my life there's no way our home can always look immaculate all the time. I might as well just cheerfully accept this fact, otherwise, I'll constantly be frustrated over the spilled juice, tracked-in mud, and stained laundry.
What matters more in Eternity? That my home and life looked perfect and all my ducks were in a row, or that I overlooked some of the cookie crumbs, marks on the wall, and dirty dishes in order to love on my children, bless my husband, and have a vibrant relationship with the Lord?
So, do I have it all together? Not by a long stretch. But I'm learning it's much better to let go of perfectionism and start resting in the perfect peace Christ can give me--even when my house looks like a stuff bomb exploded!
I'd love to hear from the rest of you: How do you overcome feelings of perfectionism and inadequacies? What advice would you "older moms" have for us young moms in this area?
Related: After I wrote this post, I found my friend FishMama had written something in a similar vein today here. Good stuff.
Labels: Home Management and Organization
posted by Crystal Paine at 9:04 AM
86 Comments:
Hi Crystal,
I have found it is important to ask our husbands what they would like for us to do. I know you have mentioned this before.
The things I think are SO important tend to not be the things my husband thinks are SO important! So it really helps to ask.
Dawn in SC
Mom of 10
Give yourself a break. You are only a mom once - the house will be there years later, the kids will be grown and gone. You want them to remember you playing with them, laughing - not "My mom was always cleaning or on the computer and never had time for me." Just keep your perspective on what is REALLY important!
Take care
Suzanne
This is an area I've been learning a lot about lately. I like to have a clean house and have everything in its place, but there's just not enough time to get it all done. We've lived here a year, and my windows haven't been cleaned since me moved in...and not because they don't need it.
One thing to help me is to figure out which things make the biggest impact and get those done. It makes it easier to overlook the rest. For us, it means that I straighten my bed every morning and that we put all the toys away at night. We do our best to stay on top of everything else, but sometimes they just have to wait until there's more time. And some things, like the windows, just don't get done.
Thank you Crystal for keeping it real and Dawn for the great advice. I feel the same way after having a second. There just aren't enough hours in the day. What's going to happen when we have another one? toys all over the floor? I am trying to get tools to become better organized but I think hearing what our husband's priorities are would make the job better.
I needed this today! We are struggling with trying to "keep it all together" and while we look presentable on the outside, relationships and quality time are the first things to suffer so "stuff" can get done.
In our quest to get "stuff" done I've also begun to realize just how much we expect from our three year old. Now, she is one smart cookie, but we don't let anything slide and have basically been expecting her to think and act like an adult. Oops. She's not, and she doesn't understand the pressing need to have things clean or get all that "stuff" done.
We definitely need to work on this more, but hopefully we can get it together (as far as priorites) before the kids are grown and gone. All I can say is: Lord help me!
That picture is the worst you got? LOL You *really* need to come by my place once in a while! But, seriously, A+ for striving for excellence but don't forget the grace. Our mantra around here is "will this *really* matter in 20 years?"
Crystal,
Thanks for the encouraging post! I definitely struggle with this too and really have to re-surrender my perfectionism to God often.
You talk about having two little ones...I'm about to go from one to three all at once (I'm pregnant with twins). I have to keep reminding myself that God wouldn't give me two more children if He weren't going to give me all that I need to handle life with them for His glory! And not to say He will give me strength to keep everything perfect all the time, but maybe He is going to give me the strength to "let go" instead.
God bless!
crysal
I think that it is great that you posted this. I too, struggle in this area. I have 4 children and one on the way. We live in a 1500sq ft home and I sometimes have a hard time keeping this up the way I would like. My big issue is trying to be organized just before leaving the home. Grrrr sometimes this stresses me out when it shouldn't. I look around my home right now, I have a pile of clean towels in the rocker, unfolded blankets, and books on the floor where the kids have been reading. Thank you so much for your posting.
Overcoming perfectionism... it's a big thing to overcome for moms, isn't it!? I actually posted a section from Passionate Housewives about perfectionism on my blog yesterday that I've been finding very helpful... http://keepers-at-home.blogspot.com/2008/08/trap-of-perfectionism.html
And I've especially been trying to remember "My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me" (2 Corinthians 12:9).
It's nice to see someone else's messy living room every now and then... :)
Thank you for posting that picture! I was just telling my husband and mom a couple of days ago how there's this woman whose blog I read who is better than me in every conceivable way. I was half joking, and I'm sure you're as human as any of us, but I am glad to see that you have messes sometimes, too. This comes at a time when I can't seem to accomplish anything. My dishwasher is broken, my house is a wreck, and the whole family has caught the back-to-school crud from some kids at the park. Ironic, since we're homeschooling...
I know I'm never going to have it all together, as long as I have these little people underfoot. I'm just glad that's normal!
Hello,
I struggle too with feeling like I have to do too much. Somehow whatever I do never seems like enough. My husband is so great about making me get a glass of lemonade or a cup of coffee and sitting down for a break.
He doesn't care if the dishes aren't done the instant we finish eating, or if the laundry isn't folded or if we eat sandwiches 3 nights in a row. He always tells me life is too short to not relax and go at a slower pace.
Take Care,
Trixie
Crystal,
I pulled out my back and my husband hurt his wrist after moving from my townhome into my husband's apartment(we got married in april)and so organizing the new house was a bit challenging. There were boxes unpacked for weeks~! I was so embarrassed when my inlaws came to visit 6 weeks later..it looked as if we'd just moved in! My mom in law was so sweet, she offered a few hours of help unpacking and moving heavy things around just to get us started. That was a huge help and gradually little by little it's done. Don't be discouraged..it's encouraging to read and see what other people's houses look like when you think they have a perfect system, perfect house..plus you just got home, don't worry about it one bit!
Rosie
Crystal,
I always, ALWAYS battle with perfectionism. What is so funny about it .....Who am I to think I can be perfect. There would be no leaning on the Lord if I could get it all together. I am in the same season as you. Both of our kids are a few weeks or days apart. So, I know what you feel at times. I just don't even know what to say but that I really am trying to let it Go and LEt God. But it is hard!
Gotta keep it real sometimes! Real people don't live in magazine shoots! I wish, but the constant rearranging of my stuff would get annoying I think.
>>We all have days when we wish we could throw in the towel--if we could only find a clean one!<<
I love that.:-)
As a 48 year old grandma to a 3 year old I got custody of when he was 19 months old, that picture made my day. I am not alone :-) I was weeding out my furniture (hand-me-downs anyway) for my move to a condo-so I thought. Then came my little blessing. I now have new furniture-Little Tikes and pint-sized everything and am still in my house.
I have a plaque I got when my kids (now 27, 29 and 30) were small. It says:
Cleaning and Scrubbing can wait til tomorrow
For babies grow up I learned to my sorrow
So quiet down cobwebs and dust go to sleep,
I'm rocking my babies and babies don't keep.
I also know a woman who has one child and a perfectly spotless house. The 4 year old lives in an orderly, sterile, ruled by a daily list type environment. The world will end if she isn't in bed at 7pm every night. None of the rest of us were ever comfortable going there.
It goes by faster than it feels. I'm on round 2 and loving every precious unorganized and dishes in the sink minute. I'm going to post a photo on my blog later tonight of his room. He "cleaned" it cos he is a neat freak at age 3. But how he did it left me laughing.
I would bet all of us would rather be at your house than at that other woman's house taking off our shoes-it was a cold house in more ways than one.
Crystal,
This is just what I needed to hear today. Thank you :)
Thank you, thank you, thank you for sharing this. I have found myself (more often than not) recently wondering how all these moms I meet have it all together. They appear to be more or less perfect on the outside and their house is absolutely immaculate... not a toy anywhere other than the playroom. I guess somewhere they don't have it all together.
As a family my husband and I think that it is more important to spend time together than to have the house perfect. We try to live to the fullest each moment and do the best we can.
We will never have our daughter at this age every again... and before we know it, she will be a teenager who needs more time with frineds, etc. and I will have plenty of time to clean house then!
Thank you for keeping it real!
My MIL used to remind me that the chores will still be there waiting for me later but the kids won't be. There has to be a balance. Chaos and clutter makes people unhappy but so does perfectionism.
Smiles!
My house looks like that all the time :-) Keeping your house clean while the kids are still little is like shoveling snow while it's still snowing! I think you are a tremendous woman with Godly character. Don't worry about the house or crumbs. Just enjoy your beautiful family. Many blessings to you!
Great post! I am at times smitten with the "Martha Stewart" complex.
One vacation, my family was visiting my parents and I was helping my mom clean house (of course, bringing 4 small tornadoes with me makes for lots of house cleaning). My mom regularly dusts, vacuums, etc. However, I was wanting to remove all extras from sight--no magazines, toys, papers, etc. My mom said to me, "This is not a catalog, I LIVE in this house."
Despite my best efforts, my house will not look like a catalog--children will touch walls, walk with dirty shoes on the carpet, and forget to put shoes in the closet. When I'm overwhelmed with trying to make things look perfect I remember my mom's words--I LIVE in this house. Is my home full of Christ's love, a happy heart, and contented people, or is a "catalog" my goal?
Laurie
I have three children, ages 10, 7, and 6. Over the last year, I have learned that I can't say yes to a lot of committments outside of my home. I didn't committ to another year on the church council when my term was up. I don't go to my writer's group meetings as much as I used to. I scaled back on the extracurricular activities my children were involved with. They each get to choose one activity. I know a lot of moms who have their children signed up for numerous activities, but I feel that there is something to be said for doing one thing and doing it well. I also think there is something to be said for being at home together as a family as many nights of the week as possible.
Most of the time when I feel frazzled it's because I've gone and taken on too much. At that point, I have to step back, get my priorities in order again, and at that point, my inner peace returns.
As far as the house cleaning goes, I comfort myself with the fact that we homeschool. We are here all day, living and learning in this house. It is not going to look like the Jone's down the street where the parents are gone to work all day and the kids are off to school. We live in our house and it usually looks like it:)
I've had people accuse me of "having it all together" but I can tell you the one area I intentionally let go is the house. It is important to recognize when we are just setting our expectations to meet someone else's ideals. Sure, a spotless house I'm not embarrassed of when unexpected company comes over would be fabulous but maybe that is just isn't important at this phase of life. I always have to remind myself that I don't need to work myself to the bone to please other people. Thanks for the reminder (though there is really no way I could keep it spotless anyway, no matter how hard I tried right now).
This is a definite big one for me. We were blessed with our third child this year and it has been a HUGE adjustment for me. I had to realize that I could NOT get it all done. Previously, what I was doing was working hard to get everything done and really only getting bits of everything done, so in reality it felt like I was getting nothing done and was constantly discouraged. This lesson was a hard one to learn. Too often we, as women, feel that we have to do it all and "have it all together." But, as was pointed out, if we seem to have it all together...something somewhere else is suffering, and it might very well be the people we most want to edify; our family.--Sarah
LOL... my husband and I don't even have kids and my house looks like that often! ;-) I'm learning, but there are days when I just feel like it's a mess! Love this post!!
Carrie @ Heart of a Servant
http://www.2livinglightly.blogspot.com
I have one laundry day a week and one cleaning day a week (takes me an hour and a half while the kids nap). Other than that I keep up with dishes and do one toy pick-up a day and everything stays under control. I love having lots of time to play outside with and read to my kiddos!
For me it's just a matter of keeping outside committments to a minimum. I watch my nephews one morning a week and we host a Bible study one night per week. That's it for scheduled activities!
Thank you for being soo real. I appreciate your candidness about life and living frugally. You really do have a gift.
Thanks so much for sharing this, Crystal! Especially the picture! : ) It's so true that we need to rest in Him, and something He reminds me often is that "His yoke is easy and His burden is light"--if we are overburdened, it's not from Him!
I admire a few friends who always seem to have spotless homes. They even have small children. (I'm like, "Do you tie your children up in a closet while you clean the house?!!")But then I have to remember to run my own race and not compare myself to others. This is my house, my children, my budget and I have to do the best I can with what I've got. I agree with Sarah, God changes you by testing your contentment when things aren't all sparkly clean. I used to be a college girl who would take out the trash as soon as someone put something into the can. Now I'm a mom of 5 children-two sets of twins and a singleton. You do not want to see my house pictures!! I am called to work dilligently at the task God has given me, and what doesn't get done I must learn to still find my joy in Him. This is hard because I like it neat and clean-but I also need to serve my husband, train my children, homeschool my children, etc. Trying to find the balance. When you have small children concentrate on meals and laundry. I wrote myself a list a few months ago of priorities: 1.devotions,
2.devotions with children,
3. homeschool/read with them,
4. exercise, 5. clean kitchen,
6. laundry. (Your list might look different.) I could have a cleaner house if I skipped reading the Bible story to my children, but somehow that seems like a really stupid thing to do. So, I read the Bible to them and then clean up as best I can, knowing at the end of the day that the most important things are getting done. Sorry for the length of this. This is an ongoing issue for me. Cleaning the house and rambling! Maybe I need a blog...
Excellent post! Thank you!
That doesn't even look messy to me- it's kind of organized clutter. My house is way worse all the time!
:-)
I struggle with this all the time. I fail to get thank-you cards to people. I constantly find milk-spots on our hardwood floors. The paper piles never seem to go away.
I imagine that our lives are quite similar. I don't really have any advice, but I certainly relate. And it's so good and so refreshing to hear this from you (because you really do appear to "have it together"). I think we should all be more real with each other and constantly remind each other of grace.
Thanks for the great post!
I have a cross stitch that was given to my mom when I was born that says "Cleaning and scrubbing can wait for tomorrow,
For babies grow up, I've learned, to my sorrow.
So quiet down, cobwebs. Dust, go to sleep.
I'm rocking my baby, and babies don't keep."
I had my third little girl in March and have felt like I just can't keep up with it all since she's been born...especially keeping my house tidy. So, I remember this poem on the really hard days to remind me what matters most! This was a great post...thank you for keepin' it real for all of us moms out there!
I struggle with this as well!
I tell my hubby how I feel. I have found that my feelings of inadequacy often occur because of my particular mood and not for any actual reason. He is always uplifting and I feel much better when I talk to him about it. Another thing I do is get out of the house. Think about it - our house is where we work so sometimes we just have to leave the house to have some fun. I used to have a friend in high school whose mother never went anywhere except to do errands. One time I asked her why she didn't go to ____ and she told me she would go to ____ when all of the things she needed to do were done. It is almost impossible to get everything done! The other thing I do is to not have excess stuff. This has been really helpful in making it easier to clean.
Lisa
All I can say is "Thank you". I really, really needed this today.
When I was a little girl, my mom had a pillow with "Dust is a protective covering for furniture" printed on it. Mom didn't really live that way, but I certainly try to.
This morning, DS (3 1/2!!) asked me to play a game with him. I looked around at our messy kitchen, imagined how nice it would be to have a cleaner house, and then sat down and played. There were "better" things I could have been doing, but DS won't remember how clean the house was . . . he'll remember those games we played.
My biggest struggle with this is DH. I very much want to please him, but we have different priorities and I don't think he understands my attitude about play vs. cleaning.
Great post, Crystal, and something I really needed to hear (and see!) I don't think I have EVER been accused of having it all together, and I probably never will!
Crystal - thanks for sharing this! I had #3 last year and am challenged everyday in keeping it all tidy and perfect. The only way I cope is by trying to do what I can and know I did my best. Sure, I want a nice clean house all the time...but, I'd much rather have one with all of our messes as long as it's full of love!
Thank you Crystal; that was much needed perspective and encouragement this morning!
Thanks for being Transparent!! I am 37 and my kids are now 17, 14, & 11. I'm at a dif. statge. I remember when my daughter was 1 yr. & I was 20 working 3 days a week. I struggled with perfectionism and trying to put things in the proper perspective. I discovered that I couldn't do it my own. I needed to spend time in prayer & in God's word 1st everyday and allow HIM to change me. I remember my goal that year to put God first no matter the mess. On morning, my husband stopped home to our little apartment. You couldn't see the carpet because of all the cloths and my 1 yr old was banging on some pots in the kitchen. I was in the middle trying to block it out praying and reading scripture. His jaw dropped and I said "remember my goal - GOD 1st amidst the mess". Some days I would quickly clean the bathroom (because it was the smallest room) and have my quiet time in there.
I'm SO glad God help me that year because the years later when I had 3 kids, was working, and had husband in school. It was much busier but "God 1st" changed my heart and perspective each day.
Laura in Michgian
Here is a link to my blog post on pretty much the exact same thing http://jennlynnprin.wordpress.com/2008/08/07/transparency/. I think we all struggle with this, and I also have been posting a lot about organization. I have spoken to women's groups about organization, yet I still have my issues, too.
It is hard to "have it all together", and sometimes we need to realize that we are being too hard on ourselves.
Love it. Thank you for posting Crystal.
To share a favorite quotation of mine:
"I don't want to drive up to the pearly gates in a shiny sports car wearing fancy clothes, my hair perfectly coiffed, and with long manicured nails. I want to drive up in a station wagon that has mud on the wheels from taking kids to Scout camp. I want there to be grass stains on my shoes from mowing Sister Schenck's lawn. I want there to be a smudge of peanut butter on my shirt from making sandwiches for a sick neighbor's children. I want there to be a little dirt under my fingernails from helping to weed someone's garden. I want there to be children's sticky kisses on my cheeks and the tears of a friend on my shoulder. I want the Lord to know that I was really here and that I really lived."
--Marjorie Pay Hinckley
Nov. 23, 1911 - April 6, 2004
Crystal, there will be no doubt that you were really here and that you really lived. :-)
in 100 years, always ask yourself, will it matter 100 years from now? If your house is a mess but you are dong something worthwhile it is good. If your house is always a mess and Momma is lazy it is bad. Do what matters. Do what counts eternally. But with little ones tere will always be some sort of mess, proves there is freedom!
blessings, Penny Raine
http://www.pennyraine.com/blog
Oh, Crystal, God Bless You! I needed this today. I have 3 little ones, ages 4 (just turned), 32 months, and 2 months and there are days when I think to myself, what was I thinking? Ha, but the good definitely out ways the difficult times. The second child for me was the hardest, this recent third has been a thousand times easier. God is great and gives us just what we need each time, doesn't He.
Ok the post is up at my blog of what my 3 year old grandson did for cleaning. :-) I promise I will gladly come clean your living room if you come and dig into this for me :-) Gwamma here gives up :-) I had 3 kids under 3 by the time I was 21. He is 3 rolled into one.
Bless you for today's post.
Crystal,
Thank you so much! This is a huge struggle for me. I feel so torn all of the time between spending time on my house or with my children and end up doing neither of those things well because of it. The struggle has become worse each time we've added a child and we now have four. You have ministered to me more than you know with this post. Thank you.
Julie
YES YES YES... wanted to hear that. And wanted to see that picture. And wanted it to come from you, Crystal, because you really do so many things well from what we can all tell. I feel more relaxed now. :) Thank you.
I can tell that my house is pretty clean most of the time. The important parts anyway! ;)
My living room ,kitchen and bathroom are usually clean. And yes if you are coming over it will be clean for sure! But my precious little ones are 13 and 16 a far cry from having little ones around. Do the best you can and don't worry about the rest. Life is always changing. I've never worried to much about bedrooms. They are personal space. I don't allow food or drinks in my kids bedrooms. And I make sure they do their laundry but other than that it is their space to be as messy as they want.
This too will pass, Leticia
Girl we are all in the same boat trying to find that elusive balance. Sometimes it's hard to make the tough decisions about where to spend and concentrate our time but thankfully each day is a new day. We all only have the same 24 hours and what's important for one family may be entirely different for another. Accepting this and being confident in our decisions allows us to take the pressure off and live life knowing we are being good stewards of our time.
You wrote a great post!
I just had this discussion with a close friend of mine who felt she did not have it all together. I think that she is doing a pretty good job especially considering she has a very active toddler. I told her that her man and child, and of course, God is most important and having it all together according to other people does not matter. Thank you for the post! We all need it once in a while.
- Sigh of relief - This makes me feel so much better! My house looks the same way right now, and I only have one little one!! Thanks for sharing!
Kristen
As I read your post, my husband and I are (again) trying to lay the track on our son's train table, which is exactly what I suspect splitting the atom was like. He got it for his birthday last month and the hours we have spent trying to set it up is really too embarrassing to mention.
Thanks for the reminder about things of eternal value. (Thomas the Tank Engine will not pass from this earth with us..mercifully.)
Great post, Crystal, and it speaks directly to where I am so much of the time these days. I, too, have struggled (and am struggling) with the guilt/disappointment of not "having it all together," especially since baby #2 came along a few months ago. It is such a relief to know that I'm not alone. God Bless.
the best quote I have EVER heard, although not directly from the Bible so I dont make it the #1 but it is a great one, is this:
"You can do it all, you just can't do it all at once" I believe Maria Shriver said it...
anyways, I heard it about 13 years ago and when I get overwhelmed I remember it...
I do consider myself an "older mom" now... Age 37.5 With teenagers down to a 10 month old and counting :)
Oh yes, my dad always said to remember KISS... for lack of better words, Keep It Simple *tupid... :)
Wow - you blessed me so much! Especially that quote from the mom of many. I am constantly beating myself over the head, trying to push myself harder and just "figure my life out." I'm craving balance and order and discipline. Yet so often my life seems chaotic, messy and spontaneous. It's nice to know there are so many other people with "stuff bombs" exploding in their houses too. Tonight I made myself take an hour to clean it all up and was amazed at how quickly I made progress when I set my mind to it. Of course, I had alterior motivations - my inlaws will be visiting tomorrow.
Try having a third child and working out of the home to boot! I have been where you are more than once and I have to just keep confirming that this is the season I am in my life and God will never give you more than you can handle. Soetimes we do have to pull our own reins but God knows our strength as mothers, wives and workers!
I rely on your blogs daily to ckeck for updates and deals and I feel lost when you aren't posting... It amazes me that you can figure all of this out and the resources you seem to have to do it all is trull a blessing to more than you will ever know!
Keep Going, there is no turning back now!
I still live at home with my parents, so I'm hardly an expert in being a mother. lol. But this is my piece: I didn't realize until I was 11 that my mother was not the perfect housekeeper. Despite the fact that she sometimes didn't get the dishes done or was behind in sorting the mail, I had an absolutly enriching and fulfilling childhood. I couldn't have wished for anything more. I think that knowing that a spotless house is NOT the key to happiness will really help me when I become a mother.
I have seen much worse than what that photo shows (in my parents' house and in my apartment)! :)
Hello Crystal,
I have been a lurker for quite some time. I enjoy your site very much. I thought I would comment to this post because this is an issue I can relate to 100%. We have 9 blessings. It is amazing how when the first one comes along, things get a little rough at first. Not only do you have the house to keep, but you now have a little one demanding 120% of your time. As life goes on and more babies arrive, you find that there just aren't enough hours in the day to be the Christian, wife and mother that you want to be. Take heart...put God first, your family second and then take care of the house. Don't forget about you though. If you don't take care of yourself, you can't take care of anyone/anything else. Good luck with being one of us moms who 'don't have it all together'! At least your family is happy and you have a wonderful relationship with the Lord. When this season of life fades into the next, things will get easier. You will be able to find that floor again!
Blessings,
Mary
Thanks for being real! Believe it or not my home is absolutely, positively spotless tonight and it looks like I have it ALL together. However, that's only because I've been nesting and organizing for weeks, de-cluttering like a mad woman, and my hubby has been home helping with the new baby and has put in over 5 hours of deep cleaning in the last two days. I also haven't had to cook in about a week and have another 4 nights of ladies from church bringing hot meals over! Oh, and did I mention that my mom, hubby, and in-laws are taking care of my two toddlers most of the time too? That just goes to show you that homemaking and mothering are enough work for several people to stay busy at it in one family!
When I first started reading your blog a year ago I was a bit antagonistic as I thought you "had it all together" and "had all the answers" and thought you were perfect. But as I continued to read, and you continued to share your heart and your struggles, and your imperfections, I realized you are just like all of us and though you are gifted with encouraging women and gifted in domestic things and writing, and making money from home, your life isn't perfect. You are a kindred spirit and I have enjoyed every minute of reading your blogs daily for the last year!
(It was inspiring to read so many comments from moms of 3 since I just had #3 4 days ago! I hope I can survive when all my help leaves! I definitely don't want to be cleaning when I could be cuddling my newborn!)
When I go in the shop to help my dh I can't do it all. But b/c my kids are older they can help keep things tidy. But there are things in the house that I want to deep clean or maybe do the canning that I have to wait on till my due is done in the shop.
These last 2 days are good examples. I have been in the shop. DD2 has kept the house tidy, meals cooked & her dads lunch made for work. Ds2 came down w/something so he isn't feeling well at all. But the house is still together. I just have to let the dirty dishes set. There is a point of getting rest so you can do your job later. The dishes won't walk away. To bad. But no body is going to die either. Also the less stuff I have the easier it is to keep up. I have just enough decor to make the house look pleasant but not over done. I have to go through things every once in a while b/c we out grow them, don't need or are broken but I do it when I have time.
When I am in the house I take my time doing it. I'm not going anywhere. I make sure dh is ready for work or orders get out on time but thats business. Otherwise I am not punching a time clock. God's timing is perfect and so is yours.
It is so true that it's virtually impossible for a home to look perfect 100% of the time... and especially with kids! Though it is good to try and be organized in your day to day activities, sometimes there are not enough hours in the day or something else takes priority!
God Bless :-)
I am right with you on this one! My husband is a pastor and we frequently have drop-in visitors and overnight guests. I can't tell you how hard it is to bring someone into the house when my kids' toys are all over the place. (We make them clean up at the end of the day, but they can get quite a few toys out in the middle of a play session!)
But I've discovered that most people expect kids to play with their toys and think nothing of it. I've actually had people comment about how nice it was that I let the kids play while we had company! :)
I am having so many mixed emotions having read your post and all of the great comments! A wonderful, albeit brief, relief...and a renewed sense of empowerment!
I struggle every single day to make a good home for my children, my husband, myself...and I find at the end of the day when my husband walks in I get bitter and project my disappointment in my lack of daily "accomplishments" onto him...causing great unrest in our home. I need to breathe...and let it go.
Immediately after reading this I sat and talked with my husband as one of your readers suggested...told him this realization of mine...asked him what he felt was the most important at the end of the day...what one or two things could be done daily that would mean the most to him....and acknowledged, out loud, that I cannot do it all...and that playing with my kids and teaching them to be wonderful humans is more important to me than a clean house.
God sends us what we need when we don't even know we needed it. I needed this..thanks!!!
TO ALL YOU LOVELY LADIES:
MY MOM SPENT MORE TIME KEEPING THE HOUSE PERFECT THAN SPENDING TIME WITH ME WHEN I WAS A CHILD.
IT'S SO MUCH MORE IMPORTANT TO GIVE YOUR KIDS YOUR TIME!
TAKE HEART, YOU'RE ALL GREAT MOMS AND GOD BLESS YOU ALL!
-CHRISTAL FROM CHICAGO
You know what the first thing I noticed was? "Wow, look how orderly her bookshelf is". That's what the more permanent fixture is in the room. The floor can become like that within an hour or so and can be picked up relatively quickly. You're doing good, keep it up!
I appreciated your blog... I have been tempted to put a sign on my front door saying "Excuse the Mess, Life Under Construction". So, you are (obviously) not alone!
Crystal,
I have devoted a whole website about this. I am always asked how do I do it all? How do I keep my house in such great shape and do all that I do. But, the truth is I don't have it all together. In my attempt to keep it real I post my struggles at www.todotada.blogspot.com.
Carrie
Crystal,
Fantastic post! I'm afraid I don't have any wonderful advice to offer up but I wanted to say THANK YOU for writing that! I really needed to read that today. As a mom to four little blessings I have felt SO inadequate as I just can't seem to keep up with everything to the extent I wish. It is so nice to know I'm not alone and I think I truly need to learn that I have to sometimes let something go to take care of what is really important! Your blog is such an inspiration and support for me. Thank you for all you do!
Elizabeth
Thanks for posting this. It is very humble of you. And helpful to me. It is always nice to know I am not the only one who doesn't have it all together.
Crystal,
My oldest is 13, so I guess I'm *older*. Here goes...
I agree with the commenter who said to ask our husbands for help in setting our priorities.
I have found that it really is ok to say "no" to outside commitments if they have the potential to interfere with the ministry we're called to have in the home.
I try to make a list for every day, starting with the "have-to's" as agreed upon by my husband and I, then the "want-to's", which is everything else. I pray over that list and ask God to help me accomplish, cheerfully and to the best of my ability, what He would have me do for the day. It makes a huge difference in my attitude when I'm having a hectic day.
I've learned not to compare myself to other ladies. No two families are the same. I've learned to observe other moms and customize what works for them to my own situation. We moms can really be a blessing and source of support to each other.
Thank you so much for posting your picture. It has helped me so much.
I struggle with this every day. I once read that people who are perfectionists are more likely to procrastinate doing tasks because if they can't do it "perfectly" they keep putting off that task.
I suffer from this. I have so many ideas of how I want my home to be and look and have such are hard time and a lot of guilt when I come home from a long day and see piles of mail, school papers, etc. on the table or counter. I even developed a chore chart with age appropriate chores for both my girls, but it's hard to enforce the need to have chores done when homework come first.
Clearly, you've hit a popular point! Like many above, I felt that things were "mostly together" until the birth of #3--- my sweet son--- and at his sister's birthday party 2 weeks after his birth, I didn't manage to vacuum the upstairs before the guests arrived. Though that sounds silly, I'd always had the house cleaned completely before company my entire life. When I didn't vacuum our upper level because I ran out of time, that should have been my first sign that things were a-changin! I have a very hard time keeping up now-- and the baby is 2! I have found that I am more and more comfortable inviting people in even though things aren't perfect. It truly defines honest friendship!
By the way, that could be my living room if you added some stray laundry and perhaps a rolled-up diaper that hasn't made it to the trash! :)
Bless you for the encouragement to keep first things first.
Now your house looks more like mine! THank you for giving us a glimpse into the real you. I read Fish Mama's post and the comments. A lot of people were talking about the cracks in their bathroom, well, most werent talking about the cyclones that have become their homes. And I left their feeling like a terrible house keeper. I can always do better, but thank you for showing me I'm not alone.
That lady sure is smart! She's right--if it all looks 'pulled together', then something is wrong somewhere. Reminds me of two lines I've seen:
1. "The cemeteries are full of women who had kitchen floors so clean you could eat from them." (I'm paraphrasing--I think Erma Bombeck said this.) I guess it means, in the Big Picture, does a little spilled juice really matter?
2. "A clean desk is the sign of a sick mind." Not sure who said that, but my interpretation is that perfect people are just...weird.
Aren't you glad you're normal? What kid wants a perfect, 'weird' mom, anyway?
You don't know how much I needed to hear that today, sitting her amongst a mess that seems insurmountable. Thank you so very much. I have 6 kids ages 6 and under, and I keep having to remind myself that one day, they'll do it all and I won't have to do a thing! Being in the training phase of that, though, becomes very overwhelming, so your words have meant so much to me. Again, thank you for being so transparent.
Jamie
Mom of 6 little ones
THANK YOU! wow, a friend of mine forwarded this to me and I so needed tor ead it today! your words are so true! thank you for being honest and open.
Love
A Mother of 3 Goons
gash, I can certainly relate to this post. I just had my 3rd child and struggle so many days with this very issue. When I get all grumbly about the eternal mess, my attitude always runs over on my family. But when I just let it go and sit and enjoy the fact that my family is all at home together, then I find myself rested and blessed. Take care, Danielle
Hi crystal, I love your blog even though I'm not a wife or mother yet (hoping one day!...) but I really appreciate your desire to keep it real and I have often struggled with pressure from well-meaning christians around us to seem perfectly on top of things all the time. No matter what our current situation in life, it doesn't serve anyone to pretend to be something we're not and it's great when we can instead encourage one another to keep aiming for the best and be practical about how to do that in an imperfect world. Otherwise we will all end up in tears, thinking we're the only one who is struggling to be perfect!
I am a busy homeschooling mom with 4 kids 5 and under and my house suffers as well. People would cringe to look in my girls' closets, but I am one of those people that others think has it all together too. I tell them often that I don't! They come over and I try to pick up some, but I figure they love me enough to look past my piles. I also ask my husband what he would like done before he gets home (like dishes out of the sink--not easy for me because I hate dishes, but it takes only 10 minutes to unload and reload so I bite the bullet and do it!). I've always liked the following poem, which my mom had hanging in our house growing up and now I do:
Excuse This House
Some houses hide the fact that children live there.
Ours boasts of it quite openly, the signs are everywhere.
For smears are on the windows, tiny smudges on the doors.
I should apologize, I guess, for toys strewn on the floor.
But I sat down with the children and we played and laughed and read.
Even though the doorbell doesn't shine, their eyes will shine instead.
At times I'm forced to choose, the one job or the other.
I want to be a housewife, but first I'll be a mother.
THANKYOU for keeping it real!! This post will bless many!
Wow. You certainly spoke to my heart this evening... but my heart is that way so often.
Trying to keep an eternal perspective is a constant battle for me. I want everything to look right, feel right, be right. But all that REALLY matters is that our hearts are right... and focused on eternal treasures.
I wish it wasn't such a constant battle within me. I certainly pray about it a LOT.
I MUST pull myself out of the comparing trap and find my worth in HIM ALONE (not in how my house looks or what my kids teachers think or how 'popular' I am with the other moms, etc, etc.)
Thanks for the reminder and encouragement.
Crystal- i learn alot from your blog, even though i am in my late forties with 6 children (3 grown and out of house). I have this to say:
1. while your children are small, don't ever feel guilty about cutting back on other things.
2. I am staying home this year after 15 years of teaching in a christian school because I feel that my 3 teenagers need me to be at home and i felt that i had my priorities way out of whack after reading a woman after God's own heart.
3. I am STILL learning not to ever compare myself to others. I will never be a perfectionist b/c that's not me, but I have to decide EVERY day not to hold myself up to some unrealistic expectation that i put on myself. all that does is rob your joy. don't do it. whatever you're getting done, if your family and God are your priorities, it is enough.
Thank you so much for your transparency. It's so easy in our Christian culture to feel like we have to have it all together because everyone else does (or at least there is the appearance that they do). I know that I struggle with the same thing. I can become so consumed with looking good on the outside that I will neglect the inside or my family. Thank you for the reminder that we are not alone.
Harmony
Crystal, I have been reading your blog for several months now. I must say that this post was such an amazing encouragement to me. I struggle deeply with perfectionism in my home and in my life. It wasn't until recently that I made a conscience decision to be obedient to the Lord and begin to "let go." Oh my, the journey He has taken me on. I want to embrace each moment I have with my family. For I prefer to have a mess in my kitchen than a messy relationship with my family. Thanks for you vulnerability and honesty.
Jaime
"A More Simple Life"
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