Overcoming loneliness
I wondered if I could ask you a personal question. I know that you made a move when Jesse went to school and were kind of out on your own. I'm really struggling with that right now. We moved almost 2 years ago and I just can't seem to get it together. I am a little lonely for like minded families. We go to a church that is a 30 minute drive, but it isn't close to what we would like. We haven't found anyone near us like minded as well, even with homeschooling groups we have visited with. My brain tells me that I should find my fulfillment in Christ, but I'm afraid I have allowed myself to become full of self pity some days. -MelissaThe last 3 years of my life have definitely been a learning and growing experience, to say the least. When Jesse and I moved to this town, we left behind a wonderful church fellowship, lifelong friends, and dear family. I felt as if I was cut off from everything familiar and plunged into a completely unfamiliar, unfriendly environment. For years, we'd had more fellowship opportunities than we knew what to do with and since I'd never moved before, I was naively very excited about the possibility of meeting new people and developing new friendships.
However, after a few months of meeting lots of new people but developing almost zero friendships, I began to feel extremely lonely. We tried to reach out, have people over, minister to others, etc. but it seemed that most people were just too busy.
We were used to spur-of-the-moment types of fellowship ("Hey, do you all want to come over for icecream and games tonight?" or, "The thrift store is having a sale today, do you want to come with me?" etc.) with our friends back home and regular get-togethers just to fellowship.
When we would ever suggest something of this sort to the few families we had gotten to know a little bit, we received lots of odd remarks or looks. It seemed no one got together for getting together's sake. Everyone was too busy with sports or other commitments. How we missed those times of fellowship, sharing, discussion, and just plain fun!
The first year was extremely hard for us--me especially. Here we were, newly married, trying to make it through law school, barely squeaking by financially, and living with almost no support system at all. I remember many times seeing someone at the grocery store who looked friendly and just wanting to run up to them and say, "Hi, can I be your friend?"
But, in spite of the difficulties, we learned so many wonderful lessons and grew so close to each other during that time. If we had had a huge group of friends, we wouldn't have been forced to rely so much upon the Lord and each other. In addition, going through this made us much more sensitive to others' loneliness: I have such a heart to reach out to those who appear lonely that I never would have developed had I not experienced acute loneliness myself.
The Lord also used this time to open my eyes to how special good friends are. I think that up to this point, I'd always taken them for granted. I've never done so since. Anytime we are privileged to spend time with dear friends, I come away so thankful for the opportunity.
We still do not have scores of friends here, but as time has gone on, things have gotten much easier. In fact, even though for the past two years many weeks have gone by with very little times of fellowship outside of church on Sunday, I rarely feel lonely anymore.
One thing that helped me to get over my loneliness in the first place was to stop feeling sorry for myself. I stopped trying to create "something out of nothing", and started just enjoying my family. Instead of feeling sad when I wished we could have an evening of fellowship with other families and we had no one to invite, we'd have an evening of fun and fellowship as a family.
I also realized that friends could never bring the fulfillment that only Christ could. So, I needed to look to Him to fill up emptiness and loneliness in my heart first, before looking to people to do so. I also sought to make the most of every opportunity for fellowship. If someone needed help or if there was anything I could find to volunteer for, I signed up.
I think the thing which has helped me the most is learning that, "A man that hath friends must shew himself friendly."
I realized that I had a selfish view of friendships; I want friends so that I could have fellowship, find encouragement for myself. Although this is not bad, in and of itself, I realized that I had to stop looking at friendships as "What's in it for me?" and instead seek to reach out and help another person.
When I started reaching out and giving to others without a motive of personal satisfaction, I found much blessing in return. As time has gone on, the Lord has brought friends into my life who I can fellowship with and be encouraged by. And God continues to bring more and more dear friends into my life. In fact, in the last month, I'm getting to the point of having to say "no" sometimes to fellowship opportunities!
Hang in there, Melissa! God has a special plan and purpose for where He has you right now. Enjoy today and make the most of it. Pray for opportunities to minister to others, pray that the Lord would fill you up with His fullness, and be excited about what God has in store for you!
I'd love to hear from others who have gone through lonely times in their life. What has helped you overcome loneliness? Any thoughts or encouragement for Melissa?
Originally posted September 2006.
Labels: Encouragement, Service and ministry
posted by Crystal Paine at 8:00 AM
19 Comments:
Thank you very much for your post. I think you hit the nail on the head with your comment about focusing on Christ. He is our joy. By focusing on Him, all my problems with self will fail into perspective.
I do have one suggestion, along the lines of volunteering in your article. Find whatever you can do to keep you busy and be a blessing. By serving others, I keep my mind off myself as well as develop close relationships with others. Visit shut-ins, offer to babysit, find little ways to help others. When they see that you care, it will make a difference.
I could not agree more! I am a military wife and some places are just harder than others to find friends. The last duty station we were at, being overseas, had so many opportunities for friendships but the duty station we are right now and the duty station that came before the overseas duty station were both Training Bases - which means most people are 1.) right out of high school & new to the military and 2.)leave within 1-6 months. I have learned many things along the way. One thing I have learned is to find a church with many community activities. Currently we belong to a church that is attached to a Community Center. This has allowed our family to become apart of something more than Wednesday Night Dinners and Sunday Morning Church. Also, if you have free time look for volunteer opportunities and political groups. Many things you can do as a family (although my hubby is the politics fan and we come along for the 'fun' stuff when it comes to that) such as Charity Walks and Political Group Pancake Breakfasts, etc.
Lisa
Yes, I agree with what you wrote Crystal. I too have suffered immensely from loneliness due to an unequal yoke in marriage and no Christian church anywhere nearby for years.
I too have grown over the years, closer to the Lord in reliance to Him. I also recommend, "The Path of Lonliness," by Elizabeth Elliot.
i went through a similar time of loneliness when my marriage broke up. i was basically dropped from the social circle at church, which was very painful at the time. now i can look back and see that folks just felt terribly uncomfortable or even fearful- they didn't mean to be unkind. but i also came to realize how many of my relationships were in actuality very superficial... we were in leadership positions at our very large church, so i think i confused some of the busy-ness that that involved with friendship- if that makes any sense, lol.
anyway, the isolation was difficult but so productive and it built both my character and my relationship with the Lord. i came to deeply value my own family, and have realized how important it is to teach your children that their siblings are the very very best friends they will ever have. i have learned that human friends are nice and even can be needful at times, but in the final analysis we have a "friend that sticketh closer than a brother" and His friendship can meet even concrete needs. i have a deeper love for Him and dependence on Him than i ever would have had had i not experienced the loneliness.
currently, i am blessed with a large circle of friends and acquaintances and it is a wonderful, fun thing to always have folks to go berry picking or sledding or whatever with. but i also recognize that human friendships are, for the most part, fleeting things. i will likely go through periods of loneliness and isolation again before this life is o'er, but that's ok, for God will always bring ultimate good out of any pain when it is released to Him:)
Great post. I have been in my new home town one year, and tomorrow is my birthday, and although we have friendships developing, this week made me realize how far along we aren't. Instead of pity, I just took it as fact: "It takes time, we aren't there yet". We have people bending over backwards to help us and keep us here, don't get me wrong, but that's different than really close friends.I totally agree with the above comment, when I started volunteering it made a big difference, it took the focus out and away from myself. God is good, and this year (not only in a new town but with both my oldest daughter away at college) has brought incredible growth in my walk with God and my marriage.
Hi Melissa! I am facing the same situation. We are moving away from the area we've know our whole lives and away from our church and family. I am terrified. I get lonely now, so I can't imagine how much harder it's going to get. Plus, my husband uses my car to go to work and I'm usually left home without a vehicle. The only thing I keep telling myself is that the Lord has a plan and He knows what He's doing, even if I don't. My heart and prayers are with you. Know that you are not alone.
I'm going through a similar period of loneliness -- my husband and I are "small town" types living in a big city where it's easy to feel like a stranger. Our congregation has close ties with a church an hour away, where there are a couple of like-minded families -- being around them is a breath of fresh air, but that only happens a few times a year.
One of the big things this past year has taught me is that people don't have to be like-minded for us to be friends. If someone is my sister in Christ but sends her children to day-care, or expects her husband to do half of the housework -- while I want to be cautious not to compromise my own values on her account, we can still pray together or work out together or just spend time together. For some of these women, there is an opportunity to open their eyes to the life of "Biblical Womanhood" that I believe God desires us to have. For others, I have to learn to show grace and overlook differences. Really, the important thing for us to have in common is Christ.
Great post! I went from my hometown to Christian college and always had tons and tons of friends but then when my daughter was a baby we moved the 1,100 miles back to my hometown in the middle-of-nowhere WY. All of my Christian friends were gone and though my parents were around, they were plenty busy and we lived out of town. There were only 2 Christian couples in their twenties in the whole town that we knew of and one was moving away! I was a new stay-at-home mom and found life to be very, very lonely. The neat thing is that, like you, after living here a few years and getting plugged into lots of activities and eventually moving into a town rental, we now have more friends and fellowship opportunities than we have time for! And more Christian young couples have moved to town too! I also try to reach out to lonely moms and help them plug in to groups or activities for moms and kids in town. I have met sooooo many young moms at the park just because our town has a huge turn-over rate.
I suggest that if you are lonely, start something! Start a mom's prayer group and put up a flyer at the various churches in town and host it in your home. Start a weekly or bi-weekly women's brunch and invite older ladies from church. Go to the nursing home and talk with residents or bring them treats. One of the best things we did for meeting people was join library story time for babies.
I am facing a possible move, so all of this information is very helpful.
In looking at it from the perspective of someone who has lived in the same place forever and has seen new people coming to church, etc--the more you get involved with things, the more people you will meet. Get involved with a women's Bible study, MOPS, the church choir, friends of the library, whatever your bent, go for it. I love to see new ladies jump into our women's Bible study feet first, and they seem to be quickly introduced to a group of new friends.
Wonderful post, Crystal. This indeed hit me as we moved from our beloved home in one state to another state with 0 friends. I think the hardest part for me was no friends, starting over, along with heartache. Either most people were far right or left and me stuck in the middle in this town. I hated it and it did not feel like home. It took almost a year in a half to find a good, ministry church. Life was lonely but it did not have to be. I had children to teach but ole self pity usually won out. Almost two years went by, by the time I had started to settle. I was in the last 2 months of pregnancy and we were moving again to another state. This self pity depression had lasted that long. When I looked back on it, how much time wasted, things I did, and made everyone take part in, it is a crying shame it took moving to another state to make me realize I could have given that amount of time to make a difference in my children's life or maybe in someone else's if I just took a moment to look around. Bottom line....I am not so lonely anymore. We have three wonderful kids all 7 years apart. A teen daughter that loves to have time with mom alone, a middle son that is being given direction, and my littlest angel that needs to be told no because grandma says yes to MANY times. No one in my little family has any debilitating sickness or physical problems. I have learned the hard ways of self pity and what God can do to help with His gentle and guiding hand.
Thank you for allowing me to share.
Lisa Gailey
Leander,TX
Thank you so much for (re)-posting this! Three months ago my husband and 3 children moved out of the state we had both grown up in. I liked your remark about seeing someone in the store that looks friendly! There is a lady that works at our walmart here that I call my Kentucky grandma. She is always so sweet and encouraging when I see her in there. You brought up some excellent points. I appreciate you sharing this!
~Elizabeth
www.eafollman.wordpress.com
It's a great post!! Thank you Crystal!!
My husband and I (and baby 5 months old then) moved from Hungary, Europe to Boise, ID. My husband came over to a summer bible program about 5 years ago, we met, fell in love :-) and stayed at the bible school (Calvary Chapel) as missionaries for a couple of years...
Oh boy, I do know how you feel...We didn't know anybody here and the beginning was very hard...especially for me...Not just the language changed but the whole life style...everything...and I was having postpartum depression...well...no changes are easy that's for sure.
BUT.
I started going to a bible study the second week we got here and got involved with MOPS...and during this time I did get closer to the Lord!! I am thankful now that He brought us here because there are so many things I didn't have learned if we stayed in Hungary. I do have friends now and I do appriciate them :-)
The Lord is going to walk you through this hard time and you are going to look back and see that this time has changed you and just keep your eyes on Him because He is with you and cares about you!!
Thanks for re-posting this. I really needed it. Hubby and I moved out of state a few years ago from the area we both were born and raised and I am still struggling in the area of friends, loneliness and despresion. We moved from the busy Detroit area to the corn fields of Northern Indiana. We know lots of people here and have had wome wonderful opportunities for fellowship...especially through our church, but still haven't made any close friendships. Focusing on the Lord, my family and staying busy has helped.
The best thing that helped me feel connected after our move away from family was joining a MOPS(Mothers of Preschoolers) group. You can go to MOPS.org to search for one in your area. This is the time of year where they do the registrations for the coming year. I highly recommend MOPS for all moms with young children- the only requirement to join is that you have a child in kindergarten or younger! I have made so many friends through MOPS...seriously...check into it!
It is such a blessing to know that others have this same challenge! We moved from busy southern Calif. to the cornfields of South Dakota about a year ago. It took us about 8 months to find a church that we really like, and it's about 40 miles away, so it's difficult to make it there more than once a week. I've definitely grown closer to God and my husband during this time. I just keep reminding myself that the Lord has led us here, so I know that whatever he has planned for us is going to be for the best!
Wow, I LOVED this post. I remember when I first moved out to California 6 years ago-I was so lonely. I was a newlywed, pregnant with my first child, and was away from my support system. I had never moved before, so I was really nervous about being in a new town. I experienced such culture shock, going from a relatively small town in the Midwest to a large area like San Diego. It was so hard. That first year out in CA was probably the loneliest I had ever been. Thankfully, another mom reached out to me and asked me to join a local playgroup, through which I eventually found my current church. Just as you said, experiences like that can really enrich your life if you let them. I am much closer to my husband and to God now...and I have such a rich appreciation for my church family and my friends that I might not have had otherwise.
Thanks so much for sharing! :)
Would it be ok if I added you on my blog's list of favorite blogs?
~Beth
I struggle with this as a single person... and because my personality is more introverted, and I'm not usually the type of person to reach out or arrange activities!! One small piece of advice for anyone struggling in this area is don't compare yourself to others. That's been a joy-killer for me! Too often I think "So and so is always out-and-about or at a social event, she has so many friends!" Then I lament about how ~I~ am not asked to do things often enough. That relates back to the post.. the part about "what can I get out of this." I've had to learn that there are seasons in life where there may not be many close friends and/or many "activities" to be a part of, and thats OK :)
Hello,
Your post reminded me a little of when my husband and I had just had our first child and we moved to a new town (Wichita, actually) and were a part of a very small home church. We were a long way from our families and we didn't know hardly anybody.
I did have a couple of friends from church which I did enjoy doing things with so that helped a lot but she was a busy homeschooling mother of 5.
Some of the things that I did do were:
My husband and I and daughter enjoyed our time of doing things together (though he did work all day on weekdays and some Saturdays).
I enjoyed keeping our home nice a neat and beautifying it as I was able.
I was friendly with the neighbors. We didn't meet any neighbors in our age group (well one couple, but my attempts at being friendly weren't all that well met), but I had lots of good talks with an elderly widow across the fence. I invited her over for lunch and she didn't feel comfortable doing that but did enjoy visiting outside. We also enjoyed visiting with other neighbors.
The other 2 ladies from church and I started a ladies Bible study which I advertised for free in the paper. We did get some response from that and got to meet new people.
I also started a monthly cardmaking night at my house which we also advertised for free in the paper and some people came to that as well.
I also joined a food co-op and met people that way.
I also started teaching piano and violin lessons (in my home with my baby daughter with me) and was able to meet new people that way.
Going to the Library was another way to meet people.
Also using e-mail to keep in touch with friends and family and try to encourage others was a nice thing for me.
Even though I had quite a few lonely times, I look back on that time as a fun time and a time of growth in my relationship with God.
Thank you so much for the encouragement, Crystal. I have been feeling lonely lately and to self-focused. I will spend more time strengthening my family relationships. May God's grace and blessings be with you.
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